Child ordered to spy by BPD on my security, where now...

[Unleashed]

My BPD separated wife has been getting my S11 on the phone, and requesting that he collect security information, then email it to her.  We are talking about over 15 emails, petty stuff, like "dad putting box in concrete in grass, might be a sensor... . "  His young mind is almost entertaining to read, and is not realistic to the truth.

This was a pattern I detected and am monitoring 2 week period so far. I am not telling him I know, or to stop, but it is disgusting, placing child in a position to anger one parent or violate trust of the other... .   Thankfully all violations have been meaningless data and bluffs ( I have a very complex security scheme in all aspects of life now. )

So I will not hold it against him, and will share this with the GAL, but any ideas on this, anyone been thru this?  The kid must feel torn having to spy on the dad he loves.

[Deep Impact]

My BPD separated wife has been getting my S11 on the phone, and requesting that he collect security information, then email it to her.  We are talking about over 15 emails, petty stuff, like "dad putting box in concrete in grass, might be a sensor... . "  His young mind is almost entertaining to read, and is not realistic to the truth.

This was a pattern I detected and am monitoring 2 week period so far. I am not telling him I know, or to stop, but it is disgusting, placing child in a position to anger one parent or violate trust of the other... .   Thankfully all violations have been meaningless data and bluffs ( I have a very complex security scheme in all aspects of life now. )

So I will not hold it against him, and will share this with the GAL, but any ideas on this, anyone been thru this?  The kid must feel torn having to spy on the dad he loves.

Yeah, get the pro's involved, you need to put a stop to this, it doesn't sound very healthy for the kid.

[livednlearned]

There is a chapter on this in the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.

[whirlpoollife]

Yes I can relate to the kids spying.  I heard from friends that xtbh would tell them that d or s tell him who I am talking to.  At a fundraiser, h was not there,  my d had asked a friend what were the names of the people I was talking to. That friend pointed it out to me .   Every time I spoke with a neighbor my s would come out and hang out by us. The neighbors told me that they felt he was spying.   In the beginning,  and still now some, the phone calls from h to kids, the kids were saying, "yes" "no" , "I don't know" , "I tell you later" to him.

No business calls when kids are present. I don't tell kids my work schedule.

I keep the important papers in a room and I have a lock on the door. The kids do not have a key to my house. H fought hard to get a court order for me to give the kids a key so they could come and go as they pleased. I lock the windows that get unlocked.  H spied on me while we were living together and he liked spying on others so I know his capabilities.

Sadly I adapted to the spying and being careful.

And the thought of what is h going to do with the information that gets relayed to him? Eventually he might realize that there is nothing from nothing.

[marbleloser]

Keep those emails! She's actively recruited the child to spy on the opposing parent. This is a form of alienation.Dad bad/mom good and kid must protect mom. Most US courts won't condone this behavior and the child may need therapy from such alienation tactics.In my state,"best interest of the child" is what determines custody.Not,"prove the other parent unfit".You need to prove that this kind of thing isn't in the childs best interest.A therapist will agree,and you'll have a 3rd party witness to this behavior.Plus,with the child going through the seperation,therapy gives them an outlet away from mom and dad,so they don't feel the guilt that they're choosing sides.

[Unleashed]

Thanks.

the kids were saying, "yes" "no" , "I don't know" , "I tell you later" to him.

How true, I suspect a lot of his telephone calls, as they include this binary code rubbish "yes" "no"... .

If it was an employee, adult, etc, I'd be mad, but my kid, I am not so. As an adult I have the backbone to level with anyone at any rank, but is a kid expected to handle this? I speculate it would be rare.

This is a form of alienation.Dad bad/mom good and kid must protect mom.

  I agree, I have a very thorough file of photos, audio, and emails with many diverse symptoms of alienation. This too shall pass.

I will meet my guardien ad litem within a week, that will be interesting.

[ForeverDad]

I had a close relative who many years ago was the first in the family to experience a divorce. That impacted him hard.  A few years later he remarried, but it was a step out into uncharted waters due to it not being confirmed the ex had been in subsequent relationships.  Concluded by various sources but not admitted.  He was very concerned to not be the one who was unfaithful.  Well, after they got married, I browsed the county records as the family genealogist.  Lo and behold.  The same day he got his marriage license, so did his ex and she had to list that she has been married and annulled since her divorce and so this was ex's 3rd marriage.  But she waited to marry again until he married first. Now his concern on spiritual ethics was not an issue any more.  But when his children found out he knew then it was clear they already knew but had been protecting their mother's secret.

My child rarely divulges information about his life with his mother.  Yes, I've heard about Er, Do and Ri over the years, I know she's had relationships since our separation and divorce, but it's not by interrogation or me keeping similar secrets, they just pop up in conversations.  Recently ex moved back into the county, she notified the court but didn't instruct them to notify me and so they didn't.  Son knew too, also knew when she got a job in the area.  I didn't find out about the move until afterward and didn't know about the job until I walked in one day and saw her there.

I'm trying to wrap my head around this, that he can keep secrets while also probably being both slickly and bluntly quizzed by ex.  I guess it's the only life he's known.  I get a feeling he's not telling all he could to his mother but still.

[Unleashed]

I hear your story F.D. 

I must say the activity stopped. S11 has more often taken a "no" stance to her orders.  He is really being a good politician, and logician, i.e. doing what is right and standing his ground. Recent investigation at my end reveals that he's not doing this anymore. I reported the conduct to the GAL/attorneys, but I never had to consider stopping itself, extinguished.