My uBPD ex contacted me today (after 10 days of NC)... need some guidance

[JohnThorn]

Hey guys. I've been doing really well in my efforts to move on.  And all things considered I've felt pretty amazing.  My uBPD ex and I had a long drawn out breakup which took place over several months.  The very last time she and I spoke which was approximately 2 weeks ago, it was BAD... . I told her that I believe if she continued to be in my life, I may take my own life.  I was very much serious.  Her presence destroyed me. After that about 5 days later I caved and wrote a long message to her to which she did not respond.  It's been from that day that I've been counting my No Contact with her.

Today I received two calls from a blocked number.  I didn't pick up. Then I got message on an app called Viber (she is blocked from texting me)... .

Here is the brief conversation as it took place:

HER: I know what you did and what you are doing, and I'm not sure why but you need to stop w this shti. Just stop. Please.

ME: I didn't do anything. Please leave me alone.

HER: I don't wish to contact you. But I need you to stop. No more ___. I'm asking that you please stop. That's all. Thank you.

ME: There's nothing that ive done. This is a game you play. I haven't contacted you. Nor have I had anyone contact you. I appreciate it if you do not contact me ever again. Thank you

HER: I swear on the life of [her cat's name], this is NO game. And if you have nothing to do with what is going on then you can disregard my message.

ME: I will disregard then.


My question is: Is this normal BPD behavior?  I have no idea what shes talking about.  I found out later that my brother saw her today.  He told me she appeared fairly happy to see him.

Can someone hypothesize what all this is?

Is this all a BPD game?

Thanks guys!

[winston72]

Whether or not there is a misunderstanding of some issue on her part, or she has some other agenda cannot really be determined from that exchange.  In any event, it seems like you do not have to respond further and can disregard her messages.

While it is aggravating to hear from her, please remember that you are in control of how you live your life from now on and the level of engagement you want to have with her.  You do not need her consent for your detachment, neither do any efforts by her to contact you have to derail your detachment.  There is a tone of pleading and even an implicit sense of control given to her when you continually ask her not to contact you.  If your wish is to detach, you have made it clear to her... . now just keep moving forward with your own recovery.  Whether or not is a game for her, is not relevant at this point in time.

[JohnThorn]

Whether or not there is a misunderstanding of some issue on her part, or she has some other agenda cannot really be determined from that exchange.  In any event, it seems like you do not have to respond further and can disregard her messages.

While it is aggravating to hear from her, please remember that you are in control of how you live your life from now on and the level of engagement you want to have with her.  You do not need her consent for your detachment, neither do any efforts by her to contact you have to derail your detachment.  There is a tone of pleading and even an implicit sense of control given to her when you continually ask her not to contact you.  If your wish is to detach, you have made it clear to her... . now just keep moving forward with your own recovery.  Whether or not is a game for her, is not relevant at this point in time.

hmmm, do you feel my response gave her empowerment?

[AwakenedOne]

hmmm, do you feel my response gave her empowerment?

I think you handled it good man. Respectful and business-like and stood your ground. She didn't even tell you what happened. Plus she ignored your last letter. I hope you find someone healthy and a good fit for you. You have come a long way in a short time. Great turn around and attitude. There is going to be good and bad days and ups and downs but hang in there. You rock.

Keep on rocking bro,

AO

[winston72]

I do not think you empowered her, or that she felt empowered.  What I was reading in your account of the exchange was that you believe she has more control over whether or not you are in contact with her.  There is a sense of ongoing connection and vulnerability to her that does not need to continue.  You can make the choice to have contact with her or to respond to her.  No contact with her is not dependent on whether or not she complies with your request.  It is in your hands.

[JohnThorn]

hmmm, do you feel my response gave her empowerment?

I think you handled it good man. Respectful and business-like and stood your ground. She didn't even tell you what happened. Plus she ignored your last letter. I hope you find someone healthy and a good fit for you. You have come a long way in a short time. Great turn around and attitude. There is going to be good and bad days and ups and downs but hang in there. You rock.

Keep on rocking bro,

AO

Thanks! I hope I can really stick with it. Of course after her reaching out, I wondered a bit if it was because she missed me. Terrible thoughts to have when you're trying to move on.

[JohnThorn]

I do not think you empowered her, or that she felt empowered.  What I was reading in your account of the exchange was that you believe she has more control over whether or not you are in contact with her.  There is a sense of ongoing connection and vulnerability to her that does not need to continue.  You can make the choice to have contact with her or to respond to her.  No contact with her is not dependent on whether or not she complies with your request.  It is in your hands.

Ah, so you're saying that if she continues to message me, don't feel compelled to even acknowledge? That makes sense. In some ways I wish I did that.

[BacknthSaddle]

Ah, so you're saying that if she continues to message me, don't feel compelled to even acknowledge? That makes sense. In some ways I wish I did that.

Many of us who find ourselves with people with BPD are natural "people-pleasers," and so the idea of not responding to any text/voicemail/etc does not sit well.  Of course, your ex knows this about you, and if you don't respond, there will probably be a period of time where the pushing of your buttons escalates. But re-establishing our own boundaries is one of the quickest ways we can attend to our own mental health, and the more solid the boundaries, the better.  So yes, do everything you can to avoid response, particularly to this kind of provocative message.  If you must respond, do it in the way you did, dispassionately, free from emotion. 

[JohnThorn]

Since she's contacted me, I keep thinking of her (sexually) ... . I can't believe it.  

[JohnThorn]

Ah, so you're saying that if she continues to message me, don't feel compelled to even acknowledge? That makes sense. In some ways I wish I did that.

Many of us who find ourselves with people with BPD are natural "people-pleasers," and so the idea of not responding to any text/voicemail/etc does not sit well.  Of course, your ex knows this about you, and if you don't respond, there will probably be a period of time where the pushing of your buttons escalates. But re-establishing our own boundaries is one of the quickest ways we can attend to our own mental health, and the more solid the boundaries, the better.  So yes, do everything you can to avoid response, particularly to this kind of provocative message.  If you must respond, do it in the way you did, dispassionately, free from emotion. 

Thank you