Pursuing my best friend of 20 years just 3 days after we split

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex BPD guy started pursuing my best friend of 20 years just 3 days after we split (5 weeks ago) I know this because I hacked his FB account. I was forced to do this because not knowing but feeling something was going on was doing my head in. So now i know. In the messages to her he said I was an alcoholic and that I was so desperate for a relationship when all along he just wanted a friendship. This after 4 months of full on texting and spending almost every day with him very passionate and intense and I was what he'd waited for his whole life and ill be forever entwined in his soul. I'm glad to just be smeared as an alcoholic. It's ridiculous and all that know me would laugh at that. That's the only thing he could come up with . The really hurtful thing in his messages with her was a photo he sent her of he and I sitting on holidays a few days before the split kissing and cuddling. He captioned it " hahahahaha" I have no idea what that means. It will forever do my head in if I think about it. Cuts me so deep, is he laughing at me cos I fell for him? I'm still worried he will discover I hacked his FB and then of course ill be the crazy stalker. I can never use that info I found so even though I'm glad I know it's really hard pulling away and cutting ties with my ex bestie. She just text again while I'm typing this. She knows I know something and is guilty of sending my ex photo of her in a flirty pose bikini clad and making dates they can hook up. I'm sick to my stomach and can't answer my phone ATM. NC with my ex BPD for weeks thank god he's moved on with her. Nearly killed me to know this but happier than being in the dark. I feel your pain. It's us such a sad illness and devastating to us who have caring loving vulnerable hearts. Hold your head high. Your actions will speak for themselves. Xx

[Narellan]

My ex BPD guy started pursuing my best friend of 20 years just 3 days after we split (5 weeks ago) I know this because I hacked his FB account. I was forced to do this because not knowing but feeling something was going on was doing my head in. So now i know. In the messages to her he said I was an alcoholic and that I was so desperate for a relationship when all along he just wanted a friendship. This after 4 months of full on texting and spending almost every day with him very passionate and intense and I was what he'd waited for his whole life and ill be forever entwined in his soul. I'm glad to just be smeared as an alcoholic. It's ridiculous and all that know me would laugh at that. That's the only thing he could come up with . The really hurtful thing in his messages with her was a photo he sent her of he and I sitting on holidays a few days before the split kissing and cuddling. He captioned it " hahahahaha" I have no idea what that means. It will forever do my head in if I think about it. Cuts me so deep, is he laughing at me cos I fell for him? I'm still worried he will discover I hacked his FB and then of course ill be the crazy stalker. I can never use that info I found so even though I'm glad I know it's really hard pulling away and cutting ties with my ex bestie. She just text again while I'm typing this. She knows I know something and is guilty of sending my ex photo of her in a flirty pose bikini clad and making dates they can hook up. I'm sick to my stomach and can't answer my phone ATM. NC with my ex BPD for weeks thank god he's moved on with her. Nearly killed me to know this but happier than being in the dark. I feel your pain. It's us such a sad illness and devastating to us who have caring loving vulnerable hearts. Hold your head high. Your actions will speak for themselves. Xx

[woodsposse]

My ex BPD guy started pursuing my best friend of 20 years just 3 days after we split (5 weeks ago) I know this because I hacked his FB account. I was forced to do this because not knowing but feeling something was going on was doing my head in. So now i know. In the messages to her he said I was an alcoholic and that I was so desperate for a relationship when all along he just wanted a friendship. This after 4 months of full on texting and spending almost every day with him very passionate and intense and I was what he'd waited for his whole life and ill be forever entwined in his soul. I'm glad to just be smeared as an alcoholic. It's ridiculous and all that know me would laugh at that. That's the only thing he could come up with . The really hurtful thing in his messages with her was a photo he sent her of he and I sitting on holidays a few days before the split kissing and cuddling. He captioned it " hahahahaha" I have no idea what that means. It will forever do my head in if I think about it. Cuts me so deep, is he laughing at me cos I fell for him? I'm still worried he will discover I hacked his FB and then of course ill be the crazy stalker. I can never use that info I found so even though I'm glad I know it's really hard pulling away and cutting ties with my ex bestie. She just text again while I'm typing this. She knows I know something and is guilty of sending my ex photo of her in a flirty pose bikini clad and making dates they can hook up. I'm sick to my stomach and can't answer my phone ATM. NC with my ex BPD for weeks thank god he's moved on with her. Nearly killed me to know this but happier than being in the dark. I feel your pain. It's us such a sad illness and devastating to us who have caring loving vulnerable hearts. Hold your head high. Your actions will speak for themselves. Xx

So... . you hacked his Facebook?

[Narellan]

Yes. Technically not hacked cos he'd used my phone to use FB . I just logged in as him. I feel some guilt about this. But the lies from both of them were really doing my head in. I still was shocked tho to see my gut feel was right but the knowledge if them bagging me behind my back and making plans to meet up sent me spiralling to a place I never ever want to go again.

Just an hour ago I sent her a text to end our friendship. I said I need to eliminate all the stress in my life and being around her caused me stress. ( re her affair with a mutual married friend of ours) did not mention my ex BPD at all. Never will. I told her I want friendships that are open and honest and I didn't feel we had that. I've had a barrage now of calls I've ignored and text messages. Apparently last night she ended it after an argument with the married guy. Now she is distraught she's lost her " bestie" too. I replied and said I'm sorry for her pain, it's excruciating I've been there.

Last week in fact when I saw in the FB messages she sent a near naked flirty photo to my ex BPD who I was still overwhelmed with grief over. She's on her own now. It's karma at its best.

[letmeout]

It sounds like your so-called ex best friend is BPD too. You know you are doing the right thing to get rid of the BPDs in your life.

[HappyNihilist]

I said I need to eliminate all the stress in my life and being around her caused me stress. ( re her affair with a mutual married friend of ours) did not mention my ex BPD at all. Never will. I told her I want friendships that are open and honest and I didn't feel we had that.

Good for you, Narellan! You handled a horrible, painful situation with grace, and you are eliminating toxic people from your life.

[blissful_camper]

Did you ever discuss any complaints you had about your best friend to your ex? 

[1KitKat]

Narellan, right on.  If that's what you needed to move forward with closure, then so be it.  I know lots of people would freak at having their FB acct 'hacked' (and you did not really hack it ), but if that's what you need, that's what you need.  Don't feel guilty, and know you have that extra bit of knowledge when you are haunted about whether or not you did the wrong or right thing!

[Octoberfest]

This is an interesting topic.

I feel your pain.  While my BPDex did not jump into a relationship with my best friend, while we were involved she had sex with a close friend of mine and made out with my best friend, as well as fooling around some with a few other people I knew.  This was on top of cheating with people I had never met... . but the betrayal of those you hold closest stings.  A lot.  The one upside to it happening is you get to find out who your real friends really are.  It sucks that you are losing a friend of 20 years... . but given the circumstances, I think you are right in distancing yourself and cutting them off.  In my book at least, no friends are better than deceitful, backstabbing friends.

To the "hacking" facebook point:

When I was with my BPDex I had to push and push her to list us as "in a relationship" on Facebook, and when I did it was a MAJOR process to get it done.  Somehow clicking that little drop down menu was awfully difficult.  I didn't push so hard because I wanted to shout loud and proud that we were together, I wanted it done because I thought it might serve as a deterrence to future infidelity if people saw that she was in a relationship.  One time she went to shower while I was over at her place and I opened up her Facebook and went to the page where it shows the relationship options. Sure enough, we were listed as in a relationship, visible to everyone; except for her family members, and her "ex" boyfriend (who she was still involved with, and had been secretly for the past 6 months, seeing him when she went back to her hometown.).  She got back from the shower as I was packing up all my things to leave.  She begged me to stay, cried, called her mom and had her block the "ex's" number, swore up and down she loved me, etc. etc. etc.  Of course after the final breakup, I was "controlling, abusive, etc.".  Was it an invasion of privacy to look at her facebook (and later to ask to see texts, why did she have a password on her phone?)? Yeah.  Was it unprovoked, because I just wanted to control every facet of her life?  No.  I snooped, and I asked for transparency because I had reasons to believe there was shady stuff going on.  And I was right.  I don't feel bad that I snooped, and I don't feel bad that I demanded she show me those things.  But I have also decided that I will never again be involved with a woman with whom there are any of those shady things going on in the first place.

Your Ex is sick.  Your "friend" is a sh!tty friend.  Neither are good people to have in your life.  It is hard, it is painful, it is lonely, but moving on is probably the healthiest option.

[Emelie Emelie]

Oh Dear Narellan - I cannot imagine how painful that discovery must have been.  I hope you can continue to keep your distance from both of them.  I don't think I would have been able to not confront her.

[bruised]

My prediction:

Your exBPD will ruin your ex-friend's life, as he did yours. Then she will come crawling back to you for a shoulder to cry on.

[Narellan]

Oh yesterday was a horrible day. I cried on and off again. I was strong and assertive in my texts to her, but she emotionally wrung me out. Soo many calls I didn't answer and I only answered the texts I needed to. The ones where she claimed to be broken hearted and I was the very best friend she's ever had blah blah. I even replied and said sorry for her pain. I know how excruciating it is I've been there. I said this because she text me about the ___ty timing of my first text as shed just broken up with married guy the night before and had cried all night. Karma at its finest. I'm do glad I have the knowledge what she's done, or I would have caved yesterday if it was just a feeling I had. She's more concerned with what people are going to think and say. Im so relieved its all done now. I'm tipping she now won't have anything to do with my ex BPD because I'm no longer interested. She always competed with me when we went out and met people. And my first proper date with Ex BPD she bumped into us and outright flirted with him. Big kiss hello and goodbye and hugs all in the space of 5 mins. After that date he pulled away from me for a couple if weeks. Prob was talking to her then too.

I didn't discuss any of her secrets with my ex BPD. Thank god. And I prob only shared info in a general way that involved me, like stuff wed been doing etc. but I shared with her I thought he had BPD and discussed with her to try to make sense of things he'd said to me whenever there was a split or I was confused. I'm a bit worried shell drop me in it by telling him those conversations, but I could drop her in more hot water with what I know about her so it'll probably be ok. I think I've been through the worst now. All uphill from here on. Thanks guys for your support. I have no doubt in my mind I've done the right thing and handled it the right way with the least negative impact on me. If I ever sway with my decision I've got that bikini photo firmly implanted in my head.

[blissful_camper]

Oh yesterday was a horrible day. I cried on and off again. I was strong and assertive in my texts to her, but she emotionally wrung me out. Soo many calls I didn't answer and I only answered the texts I needed to. The ones where she claimed to be broken hearted and I was the very best friend she's ever had blah blah. I even replied and said sorry for her pain. I know how excruciating it is I've been there. I said this because she text me about thety timing of my first text as shed just broken up with married guy the night before and had cried all night. Karma at its finest. I'm do glad I have the knowledge what she's done, or I would have caved yesterday if it was just a feeling I had. She's more concerned with what people are going to think and say. Im so relieved its all done now. I'm tipping she now won't have anything to do with my ex BPD because I'm no longer interested. She always competed with me when we went out and met people. And my first proper date with Ex BPD she bumped into us and outright flirted with him. Big kiss hello and goodbye and hugs all in the space of 5 mins. After that date he pulled away from me for a couple if weeks. Prob was talking to her then too.

I didn't discuss any of her secrets with my ex BPD. Thank god. And I prob only shared info in a general way that involved me, like stuff wed been doing etc. but I shared with her I thought he had BPD and discussed with her to try to make sense of things he'd said to me whenever there was a split or I was confused. I'm a bit worried shell drop me in it by telling him those conversations, but I could drop her in more hot water with what I know about her so it'll probably be ok. I think I've been through the worst now. All uphill from here on. Thanks guys for your support. I have no doubt in my mind I've done the right thing and handled it the right way with the least negative impact on me. If I ever sway with my decision I've got that bikini photo firmly implanted in my head.

Good for you, that's the right attitude.     You're handling this beautifully.