I'm confused/started talking to another guy on line,am I cheating?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Im having a long distance relationship with my BPD boyfriend.  We communicate mainly through chat and skype.

                                         Earlier this year around January we had a major fall out. He split on me as the saying goes. He confused me and became very irrational over something that really didnt have to be a big deal. He was convinced that I had yelled at him ,which I never did because we were on chat and used this as a basis to end out relationship just like that. We had been getting into arguments prior to this, each time after he had become a bit verbally abusive to me and the trouble started when I said soething about it and told him to stop. He was putting me down in various ways.  He would get a bug in his computer and claim that it was from my computer,  after I told him I had just run my security search and my computer came out clean. He started becoming really mean. So I told him he was acting mean and this made him meaner, and so the cycle of argueing  began to the point where the last one , lasted about 2 weeks.  Th first one lasted a whole day and it didnt matter how sorry I was , nothing I could say to resolve our conflict would do. He didnt want it resolved. He wanted to punish me with the ending of our relationship by reminding me that I wasnt the one for him, or I wasnt the kind of women he wanted in his life. He claimed that "I" was the one who had the problem and that he wasnt going to put up with it anymore. I asked him specifically  what it was I had done and I never received a clear answer, it was all ways very vague or it was one thing, but then another time something else. Basically I got the impression that he felt I had a problem of all ways getting overly upset about things and that I was the one starting the fights every time and this was a big  problem. 

                             He continued to hurt me by giving me the silent treatment more then once. He took his facebook page down at one point so I couldnt reach him.  He shamed me , he hulmilated me and he basically made me out to be the worst person on this planet. He wanted nothing more to do with. Ok ,so he put me through a splitting night mere I will never forget.


                            Ok, so time has gone by.  Gradually we have become friends again and now we are getting closer and closer.  It's almost like things were before the split.  I say almost,... . because there is still apart of him I can not trust.  I never know if Im going to say something the wrong way and out of the blue hes going to say something crushing or cold to me.  He acts like he loves me again, but Im all ways concerned that if I out wardly say I love you to him,  its going to trigger this fear/control response in him.  I said I love you night on skype because it felt right in accordance to how he was speaking to me,  and his reply back was not I love you too, which has been so normal for us in the past.  Instead he said something funny in Spanish. I think it meant good  bye. I know it didnt mean I love you. So what Im saying is that he still has an akwardness about this which of course doesnt make me feel too good, kind of empty inside.   

                     Mean while way before I even met him I had an artist friend of line through FB who I chatted with now and then, not a whole lot but enough to have a nice friendly relationship with this guy. Basically harmless. Well, during the time my BPD boyfreind split in me, I thought it was going to be over so I started chatting with this other guy just as friends at first.,     At least it was just friends on my side of it. Well, it turns out he has wanted to talk to me more and more and started to get a bit romantic on me. And I had to be honest with myself,  hes a good looking guy and has a lot more going for him then my BPD guy does for sure.

                                                                        I didnt invite this new guy over to my side of the pond. he just started showing up ,liking my posts and making nice comments, so we started talking. On certain level I really havent felt much of a connection with him,  he's nice, but Im very concerned he has build up this goddess image of me which isnt real. Its what he wants to see, and I know for sure that I do not want to be build up again only to be smashed to the ground.  Im real live person, not a goddess from magic land and Im not sure hes truely seeing me  as I truely am, and this is making me feel uncomfortable. I still chat with though. I still share with him. We are both artists, so we share ideas and talk about our work. Its nice.

                                But then  I was thinking, geee I really like him but my heart will and for all ways go out to my BPD  boyfriend.  There are times I feel I can really talk to him,  and this other guy, nice as he is ,  there's a gap between us were I dont feel a real connection. maybe in time he will open up more,  and sure enough he has.

              All I know is that if my BPD boyfriend found out about this.,meaning Im chatting with him at the same time Im chatting with the other guy.  What do I do,  once and a while they show up at the same time.  I hate that.   Even not showing up at the same time,   I chat with them both at different times. Its all ways very serious with BPD boyfriend,  and less serious with the other guy.

          But  I wonder, what if my bPD boyfriend flips out on me again? >turning irrational, cruel and mean. Oh I know he would for sure if he found out about this.  It isnt like iM having sex with the guy, Im only chit chatting with him. But I feel kind of guilty just the same. But then I wonder why should I?  Ive all ways said after discovering my recent boyfriends problem that the odds of us ever having a real lasting relationship that worked is pretty high.  Its high because he refuses to look a himself as being a part of the problem. He wont get help because  he doesnt think there is anything wrong with him.   As much as I love him, I wonder maybe Id have a better chance of a good healthy  relationship with this other guy?  Who knows.

Can anyone else relate to this? Am I doing wrong or just doing other things , other then focusing on him all the time,  because he sure has done a good job on not focusing on me like it used to be. He was the one who told me I needed to go on with my own life. This was during the splitting time, but boy oh boy has the hurt of that statement stayed with me. To consider how close we were only to receive a shock like that!   The same trust will never be there again.  Ill all ways have to put on my kid gloves or be aware of them and ready to put them on at any sudden notice.   Id really appreciate an some answers to this.   Thanks

[goingtostopthis]

Im having a long distance relationship with my BPD boyfriend.  We communicate mainly through chat and skype.

                                         Earlier this year around January we had a major fall out. He split on me as the saying goes. He confused me and became very irrational over something that really didnt have to be a big deal. He was convinced that I had yelled at him ,which I never did because we were on chat and used this as a basis to end out relationship just like that. We had been getting into arguments prior to this, each time after he had become a bit verbally abusive to me and the trouble started when I said soething about it and told him to stop. He was putting me down in various ways.  He would get a bug in his computer and claim that it was from my computer,  after I told him I had just run my security search and my computer came out clean. He started becoming really mean. So I told him he was acting mean and this made him meaner, and so the cycle of argueing  began to the point where the last one , lasted about 2 weeks.  Th first one lasted a whole day and it didnt matter how sorry I was , nothing I could say to resolve our conflict would do. He didnt want it resolved. He wanted to punish me with the ending of our relationship by reminding me that I wasnt the one for him, or I wasnt the kind of women he wanted in his life. He claimed that "I" was the one who had the problem and that he wasnt going to put up with it anymore. I asked him specifically  what it was I had done and I never received a clear answer, it was all ways very vague or it was one thing, but then another time something else. Basically I got the impression that he felt I had a problem of all ways getting overly upset about things and that I was the one starting the fights every time and this was a big  problem. 

                             He continued to hurt me by giving me the silent treatment more then once. He took his facebook page down at one point so I couldnt reach him.  He shamed me , he hulmilated me and he basically made me out to be the worst person on this planet. He wanted nothing more to do with. Ok ,so he put me through a splitting night mere I will never forget.


                            Ok, so time has gone by.  Gradually we have become friends again and now we are getting closer and closer.  It's almost like things were before the split.  I say almost,... . because there is still apart of him I can not trust.  I never know if Im going to say something the wrong way and out of the blue hes going to say something crushing or cold to me.  He acts like he loves me again, but Im all ways concerned that if I out wardly say I love you to him,  its going to trigger this fear/control response in him.  I said I love you night on skype because it felt right in accordance to how he was speaking to me,  and his reply back was not I love you too, which has been so normal for us in the past.  Instead he said something funny in Spanish. I think it meant good  bye. I know it didnt mean I love you. So what Im saying is that he still has an akwardness about this which of course doesnt make me feel too good, kind of empty inside.   

                     Mean while way before I even met him I had an artist friend of line through FB who I chatted with now and then, not a whole lot but enough to have a nice friendly relationship with this guy. Basically harmless. Well, during the time my BPD boyfreind split in me, I thought it was going to be over so I started chatting with this other guy just as friends at first.,     At least it was just friends on my side of it. Well, it turns out he has wanted to talk to me more and more and started to get a bit romantic on me. And I had to be honest with myself,  hes a good looking guy and has a lot more going for him then my BPD guy does for sure.

                                                                        I didnt invite this new guy over to my side of the pond. he just started showing up ,liking my posts and making nice comments, so we started talking. On certain level I really havent felt much of a connection with him,  he's nice, but Im very concerned he has build up this goddess image of me which isnt real. Its what he wants to see, and I know for sure that I do not want to be build up again only to be smashed to the ground.  Im real live person, not a goddess from magic land and Im not sure hes truely seeing me  as I truely am, and this is making me feel uncomfortable. I still chat with though. I still share with him. We are both artists, so we share ideas and talk about our work. Its nice.

                                But then  I was thinking, geee I really like him but my heart will and for all ways go out to my BPD  boyfriend.  There are times I feel I can really talk to him,  and this other guy, nice as he is ,  there's a gap between us were I dont feel a real connection. maybe in time he will open up more,  and sure enough he has.

              All I know is that if my BPD boyfriend found out about this.,meaning Im chatting with him at the same time Im chatting with the other guy.  What do I do,  once and a while they show up at the same time.  I hate that.   Even not showing up at the same time,   I chat with them both at different times. Its all ways very serious with BPD boyfriend,  and less serious with the other guy.

          But  I wonder, what if my bPD boyfriend flips out on me again? >turning irrational, cruel and mean. Oh I know he would for sure if he found out about this.  It isnt like iM having sex with the guy, Im only chit chatting with him. But I feel kind of guilty just the same. But then I wonder why should I?  Ive all ways said after discovering my recent boyfriends problem that the odds of us ever having a real lasting relationship that worked is pretty high.  Its high because he refuses to look a himself as being a part of the problem. He wont get help because  he doesnt think there is anything wrong with him.   As much as I love him, I wonder maybe Id have a better chance of a good healthy  relationship with this other guy?  Who knows.

Can anyone else relate to this? Am I doing wrong or just doing other things , other then focusing on him all the time,  because he sure has done a good job on not focusing on me like it used to be. He was the one who told me I needed to go on with my own life. This was during the splitting time, but boy oh boy has the hurt of that statement stayed with me. To consider how close we were only to receive a shock like that!   The same trust will never be there again.  Ill all ways have to put on my kid gloves or be aware of them and ready to put them on at any sudden notice.   Id really appreciate an some answers to this.   Thanks

[cosmonaut]

This is a very values based question as to where you draw the line.  For me, the line is pretty conservative.  Getting overly involved with someone else, even remotely without any physical intimacy, has crossed a line.  I think the fact that you are feeling guilty about it is a red flag. 

Do you think what you are doing is fair to your bf?  Would you be ok if he was doing the same with another woman?  Do you think you and your bf have a future?

[Vindi]

i think your mind is telling you there is something wrong.

You have to decide if you want things go work with your BPD bf ... . and if you still want to be with him, even if things do not change, if he doesn't get help, etc... . And chatting with another guy, yes, its ok as long as there are no intimacy, or "feelings" involved, strictly friendship only and not crossing boundaries... . even so, you need to work on *one* relationship, b4 even thinking of getting into another one.