Shocked by Sadness... 7 months later

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Found out this weekend that my exBPDh (married for 22 years) is dating, and I am floored by the swell of hurt I'm dealing with.  :'(  It was me that filed for divorce, and me that struggled with that decision for 2 years before moving forward.  I knew he would not be able to be alone, and that he would be dating at some point, but I guess am surprised that it is actually happening only 7 months after our divorce.   

All weekend I second-guessed myself, questioned whether it was actually me that was the problem all along. Went back through journals to remember the reasons for the break up... . the drinking, gambling, self-absorbed thinking, crazy mood changes, lack of help with the kids, etc.  And yet, this new reality also forced me to acknowledge the good times that we had.  And in 22 years, we of course did have quite a few. 

I do not feel in any way ready to date, and never even considered it for myself before or during the divorce. I just wanted out of the situation. So maybe it just makes me feel easily replaced.  Definitely vulnerable. Was hoping that by this point things would be getting easier, and sometimes they do, but little painful pieces of the journey keep emerging.  Not sure when I'm going to feel that I've really moved on in my own life.   

[thinkingthinking]

Found out this weekend that my exBPDh (married for 22 years) is dating, and I am floored by the swell of hurt I'm dealing with.  :'(  It was me that filed for divorce, and me that struggled with that decision for 2 years before moving forward.  I knew he would not be able to be alone, and that he would be dating at some point, but I guess am surprised that it is actually happening only 7 months after our divorce.   

All weekend I second-guessed myself, questioned whether it was actually me that was the problem all along. Went back through journals to remember the reasons for the break up... . the drinking, gambling, self-absorbed thinking, crazy mood changes, lack of help with the kids, etc.  And yet, this new reality also forced me to acknowledge the good times that we had.  And in 22 years, we of course did have quite a few. 

I do not feel in any way ready to date, and never even considered it for myself before or during the divorce. I just wanted out of the situation. So maybe it just makes me feel easily replaced.  Definitely vulnerable. Was hoping that by this point things would be getting easier, and sometimes they do, but little painful pieces of the journey keep emerging.  Not sure when I'm going to feel that I've really moved on in my own life.   

[coolioqq]

Hey, you are doing great. Try to be gentle on yourself and keep your expectations reasonable: I'd be surprised if you overcame a 20+ year marriage in 7 months. It means you cared and loved. What he does is his thing to do. Was he diagnosed? I came to the conclusion that pwBPD cannot make choices - they HAVE to do things to survive. I can't even blame them for that - no matter how high-functioning, they operate on a lower level of consciousness than other people. They succumb to impulses, and have no intrinsic ability or desire to change (you can't change the nothingness inside them so easily). But they are human beings too, and we should try to understand why they do what they do. Not so much for them, but so that wr can be fair to ourselves as well.

Have you been NC? If yes, then remind yourself that NC means you need to focus on yourself and detachment by trying not to even find out what he is up to. Don't blame yourself - you read the journals, and you know that, PD or not, those behaviors were dysfunctional.

You now have freedom. That means that you can start dating whenever you feel ready. Dating 7 months after a 20+ marriage sounds not like freedom to me, but either an escape or a survival need. So, there is nothing you should feel bad about. Focus on yourself now and try to finalize the detachment. It's hard, it hurts, but you can do it!

[thinkingthinking]

He was diagnosed a couple of years ago after many years of me just adapting to his wide-ranging moods and behaviors.  Hospitalized twice, attempted suicide a month after I filed for divorce.  I actually have to write that down to remember how crazy it was because he somehow still can turn it around and make it seem like it was me!   

Would like to be NC but we have 3 kids.  The two older ones are over 18, so are making decisions for themselves about contact. Our 12 yo is supposed to see him 2 evenings per week and every other weekend.  Unfortunately he picked up an OWI in December so I'm having to make most of the arrangements for transportation.  I end up just "hearing" things from the kids and have to filter it.

It is true that his dating is likely reactive. I'm frustrated because his responsibility for the kids continues to be minimal while I shoulder the bigger burdens.  (Our older kids are in college so still have financial needs, etc.)  When I asked him to at least be available the Tues/Thursday evenings for D12, I get a passive aggressive response, and a "this is what your divorce did to our family".  Why do I still internalize this?  There is obviously some part of me that doubts my decision or is just insecure.   

[blue_skies_ahead]

Hi, ThinkingThinking. 

First of all ... .   .  Secondly, I'm where you are, except mine started dating a month after our separation and got married just 7 months after our divorce (all within a year total). 

Here are some of my insights coming from my situation.  Dunno if they'll help, but they kind of make sense to me:

I was with my dysfunctional UexBPDH for 22 years.  To a certain extent, I became extremely dysfunctional, too, in the relationship.  While he handled things by simply detaching from me and reattaching immediately to another woman, I honestly would have preferred if he had stayed single and the break up period was longer.  I tell myself it would have given me time to sort out the oh-so-complicated feelings and reassure me that I wasn't just a disposable placeholder; but in my heart I know that if things had happened that way, it probably would not have been in my best interest because I could have been charmed back in.  I think, somewhere in my heart, I will always mourn the death of the beautiful parts of our relationship and what I want to believe was true ... . but one of the most shocking things I discovered was when I realized that I was actually in a relationship with someone who was basically wearing a "suit" that was drawing it's identity from me.  Once I went away, that suit no longer bore a likeness, so a new one had to be found immediately or he would cease to exist.  I think that because they have an unstable sense of identity, they literally *must* seek someone out to replace you because without another identity to model their own from, they are like ghosts.   

Why do you internalize it?  Probably for the same reason I took it so badly that my ex had moved onto his next victim within a few weeks of our separation... . you loved him once, and probably believed that your love could heal him.  I did everything I could, but in the end, it was like a fire that grows out of control and I was in the middle of a burning house with a garden hose.  I wonder if you know that feeling?  I just had to get out of the house that was burning around me ... . but I never wished it to have burned in the first place.  So our BPD partners set the house on fire, then turn around and say ... . SEE WHAT YOU DID TO OUR HOUSE?  It's so sad that they can NEVER take ownership or responsibility for all the hurt they inflict ... . both on others and ultimately upon themselves. 

Allow yourself time and space and try, as much as possible, to keep the chatting very minimal.  I have a young child with my ex, so I know it's hard, but I've been reading the book Emotional Vampires.  It says the best tactic is to not give a response AT ALL to inflammatory comments.  Try that and do something nice for yourself today.   

[thinkingthinking]

  back at you blue_skies_ahead!

... . but one of the most shocking things I discovered was when I realized that I was actually in a relationship with someone who was basically wearing a "suit" that was drawing it's identity from me.  Once I went away, that suit no longer bore a likeness, so a new one had to be found immediately or he would cease to exist.  I think that because they have an unstable sense of identity, they literally *must* seek someone out to replace you because without another identity to model their own from, they are like ghosts.   

This was so helpful as it really helped me "get" two things.  First, it was so hard to understand how he is such a wreck one week, then all of a sudden is great with everything a day after he started to see this person. But makes sense in terms of he now has that "suit" that makes him feel like someone.  Second, it reminds me of how exhausted I was in the relationship because he was drawing his identity from it.  I could never be everything he needed me to be and maintain any sense of myself. 

In the middle of the divorce, it was almost easier to focus on just getting out/moving forward because there was going to be an "end" to it.  As you said, I was finally ready to "run away from the fire"!  Now is the beginning of a new life, and it's a time of really trying to get my bearings and figure out what I need for a change. And I do have to sit with the loss and knowledge that I did love him. I probably have never even written that on the boards because it was so easy to channel why I wanted out, and painful to remember a life I hoped would work out that obviously could not be. A lot of effort (whether conscious/unconscious, healthy/unhealthy) goes into staying with a pwBPD for 22-years, and those patterns are hard to break.     

A roller coaster of complicated feelings is exactly what this is, and the fact that I hate the thought of being "replaceable" sends me back to my books on codependency.   Thankful for all of the support here!

[willy45]

That's really hard. I'm sorry about that. I know the feeling. It sucks. It feels like getting kicked in the gut when you are already down. Trust me. I know.

But, this will pass too. You made the right decision. Hold onto this: the drinking, gambling, self-absorbed thinking, crazy mood changes. You don't have to live with that.

And the fact that you can be on your own for 7 months is a GREAT thing. You should be proud! 22 years of marriage is a long time. And you need to honor yourself here and the future great person you are going to be with, not this self-absorbed, gambling, alcoholic, mood swinger. You can take as long as you need. And that is the important part. You are doing great.

[thinkingthinking]

But, this will pass too. You made the right decision. Hold onto this: the drinking, gambling, self-absorbed thinking, crazy mood changes. You don't have to live with that.

I have "This too shall pass" written on a whiteboard in my office to try to remind myself that with time I will push through.

My life is just very different than a year ago, and actually calm right now.  After years of drama, I don't even know what to do with calm.  So being in this place and hearing that he is with someone else actually has me missing him, and maybe the chaos?  For the first time since the divorce, I am actually tempted to reach out and talk to him.  After all of the struggle to separate and detach, it blows me away that this is the case.  He knows me better than anyone, and I miss that. 

[toomanytears]

But, this will pass too. You made the right decision. Hold onto this: the drinking, gambling, self-absorbed thinking, crazy mood changes. You don't have to live with that.

I have "This too shall pass" written on a whiteboard in my office to try to remind myself that with time I will push through.

My life is just very different than a year ago, and actually calm right now.  After years of drama, I don't even know what to do with calm.  So being in this place and hearing that he is with someone else actually has me missing him, and maybe the chaos?  For the first time since the divorce, I am actually tempted to reach out and talk to him.  After all of the struggle to separate and detach, it blows me away that this is the case.  He knows me better than anyone, and I miss that.  

Hi thinkingthinking

Your name resonates. I find myself thinking thinking so so hard about my BPDh that I am not giving time to reflection on all the great things I've done since he left. I wish I could stop.

On your final comment, I'm not sure that my BPD knows me better than anyone. That's what my heart says when I miss him terribly. But one thing that came up at the counselling session we went to a while back, the counsellor asked him what attracted him to me - all those years ago - and his answer was 'she liked me'. I don't think he had any sense of what I was like as a person at all, only how I related to him. For instance, I am an artist and used to do detailed botanical drawings to illustrate his articles and books (he is a botanist). Did he ever once in our 30 years together take one of those drawings and cherish it, have it framed and put it on his study wall? They were good drawings. I used to do beautiful flower paintings too but I can't remember him ever paying me a compliment about them. Thinking about it now, I find it astonishing... . I thought he knew me - but honestly, I don't think he had any idea at all who I was... .

[thinkingthinking]

Thinking about it now, I find it astonishing... . I thought he knew me - but honestly, I don't think he had any idea at all who I was... . [/quote]
This is probably more accurate for me as well, and it is probably when I feel just that little touch of loneliness that I want to believe he knew me. How else could I have possibly spent 22 years with him?   Like you, there have been many accomplishments and things in my life that he did not even acknowledge. (I wish I could say painting was one of them! ) On my 40th birthday, he took me out to a casino even though HIS gambling had been a major point of contention in our marriage.  What would I have rather done?  A play, a musical, a museum, a quiet dinner, lots of other things. 

So maybe it is really not that "he knew me" that I miss, but the comfort of knowing what to expect.   

And yes, the thinking can be a curse.  I think it is what makes us overly empathetic as well!

If we stayed in a marriage this long, and had to think about leaving this hard, we should somehow feel confident in our decision.  Just figuring out that grieving may be a process that takes a few years, not just a few months.

[toomanytears]

Thinking about it now, I find it astonishing... . I thought he knew me - but honestly, I don't think he had any idea at all who I was... .

On my 40th birthday, he took me out to a casino even though HIS gambling had been a major point of contention in our marriage.  What would I have rather done?  A play, a musical, a museum, a quiet dinner, lots of other things.  

So maybe it is really not that "he knew me" that I miss, but the comfort of knowing what to expect.   [/quote]
That sounds familiar.  I was always being brought in to validate his habits: eg taken along to chose expensive wine, pressurised to help him to select a new frame for one of the depressing artworks he'd bought... .

The familiarity and comfort from what you get from it is what I miss, but comfort is not a good thing  if it's in a bad place... .

We have to work through this. It's painful but necessary... . :'(

[blue_skies_ahead]

Wow.  Just wow.  I am truly among kindred spirits here.  Singing, painting, volunteer work, fighting and conquering illness - caring for our family and a career I balanced ... . nothing I ever did was cherished and he was never the type to give me credit or brag on me, like normal husbands would.  TIME to lift ourselves up, me thinks.  I'm examining meditation as a way to help myself heal.  Although I am not Buddhist, I am Christian, I've found some of the teachings helpful in our situation.  Love and healing to all here!

[toomanytears]

one of the most shocking things I discovered was when I realized that I was actually in a relationship with someone who was basically wearing a "suit" that was drawing it's identity from me.  Once I went away, that suit no longer bore a likeness, so a new one had to be found immediately or he would cease to exist.  I think that because they have an unstable sense of identity, they literally *must* seek someone out to replace you because without another identity to model their own from, they are like ghosts.   

Why do you internalize it?  Probably for the same reason I took it so badly that my ex had moved onto his next victim within a few weeks of our separation... . you loved him once, and probably believed that your love could heal him.  I did everything I could, but in the end, it was like a fire that grows out of control and I was in the middle of a burning house with a garden hose.  I wonder if you know that feeling?  I just had to get out of the house that was burning around me ... . but I never wished it to have burned in the first place.  So our BPD partners set the house on fire, then turn around and say ... . SEE WHAT YOU DID TO OUR HOUSE?  It's so sad that they can NEVER take ownership or responsibility for all the hurt they inflict ... . both on others and ultimately upon themselves. 

Hi blue_skies_ahead

Your description first of the 'suit' and then of the house on fire is so apt. It's exactly what our relationship went through. Nothing you do can put that fire out... .

[thinkingthinking]

TIME to lift ourselves up, me thinks.  I'm examining meditation as a way to help myself heal.  Although I am not Buddhist, I am Christian, I've found some of the teachings helpful in our situation.  Love and healing to all here!

Agree!   I actually just finished a "mindfulness meditation" class over the weekend and found it very helpful. A lot of practice on being present right now in this moment, not the past, not the future.  Crazy how hard that is.  They recommended the book "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn, which I purchased and am going to start reading.  I too am Christian (Catholic) but find that the meditation practices really just  add to my faith.

For those that have been in these very long-term relationships, I think we have to figure that getting out was just the first very difficult step.  Learning to love care for ourselves as much as we love and care for others is the new long-term goal!