How different are you from the person you were before BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Today was the first day (after a brutal winter) that I could go out on my motorcycle and enjoy the ride.

It was a day that reminded me of what I truly enjoyed before meeting my uBpdex.

When we met, she made an excellent case. She had two teenaged sons. Having a motorcycle will introduce them to something they have never before been exposed to. I chose to let her fears trump the 35 years I have had riding and teaching others to be "responsible riders." I put my bike in storage and haven't ridden it in three years. After all, if anything happened to the boys (whom I love dearly) because they got into motorcycles, that would be on me. Yet, I have been riding for 35 years. I have taught countless people how to ride responsibly. Still, I gave up my motorcycle.

I also gave up my dog. A "T" I had before he changed jobs warned "If any woman claimed to accept me without my dog, I would be suspicious." I did not heed his warning. My ex hated my dog (her boys loved him). Ely now lives with my nephew 10 hours away. He helped me through the most darkest times of my life. I miss him so much. But, he is very happy now as well.

Music has also been a central part of my life. Lost that while being with her.

My T called me out on this. She recounted a story I told her.

At the request of a Nobel Laureate,  I conned my way into a West Bank prison to find information. I took great personal risk for the greater good.

Now I have a hard time getting out of bed afraid of the personal risk of meeting the day ahead.   

My T asked, "what happened to that man?"

I don't know.

So I ask this question, "how different are you from the person you were before you met your partner with BPD (or even traits)?

[Pecator]

Today was the first day (after a brutal winter) that I could go out on my motorcycle and enjoy the ride.

It was a day that reminded me of what I truly enjoyed before meeting my uBpdex.

When we met, she made an excellent case. She had two teenaged sons. Having a motorcycle will introduce them to something they have never before been exposed to. I chose to let her fears trump the 35 years I have had riding and teaching others to be "responsible riders." I put my bike in storage and haven't ridden it in three years. After all, if anything happened to the boys (whom I love dearly) because they got into motorcycles, that would be on me. Yet, I have been riding for 35 years. I have taught countless people how to ride responsibly. Still, I gave up my motorcycle.

I also gave up my dog. A "T" I had before he changed jobs warned "If any woman claimed to accept me without my dog, I would be suspicious." I did not heed his warning. My ex hated my dog (her boys loved him). Ely now lives with my nephew 10 hours away. He helped me through the most darkest times of my life. I miss him so much. But, he is very happy now as well.

Music has also been a central part of my life. Lost that while being with her.

My T called me out on this. She recounted a story I told her.

At the request of a Nobel Laureate,  I conned my way into a West Bank prison to find information. I took great personal risk for the greater good.

Now I have a hard time getting out of bed afraid of the personal risk of meeting the day ahead.   

My T asked, "what happened to that man?"

I don't know.

So I ask this question, "how different are you from the person you were before you met your partner with BPD (or even traits)?

[Aussie JJ]

I question myself, previously I would go and do the correct  thing without questioning it.  I would say no to something without any fear as I had work on or some thing.  Now I question everything. 

Now I constantly ask myself, particularly with dealing with her if I am doing the correct thing.  Am I being respectful etc. Etc. 

Its funny everything that attracted her to me she undermined.  I am re learning how to value myself and my opinion.  It sounds crazy, but I stopped caring for myself.  I bought a house near the beach and then I stopped walking on the beach.  

Like you with the bike I'm spending that time on myself again doing things that used to give me enjoyment but while in the r/s caused conflict.  

I honestly want to spend more time with my son and that causes me huge pain still.  Its what she has to control me now and she uses our son to do that. 

[suffering_parent]

Ugh my ex made me get rid of my dog too.   I fought her for 2 years until I finally gave in.   She held it against me the next 10 years.   She would then repeatedly get animals then get rid of them after a month or two.   Just long enough for the kids and I to get attached.

I am different as her bad traits rubbed off on me.   You are who your friends are.   I don't think I was angry a day in my life before her.   I lost some of that patience and self control.   I also gave up most of my interests for her.   What a dumb thing to do.   I sold a business that was taking off doing one of my favorite hobbies.   She despised it and the money it generated to allow me to pursue my interests.    I had to sign a non-compete to not re-enter that market when I sold it.   So there is no going back.

I am now working hard to improve myself back to better state.   All you can do when you get knocked down is learn from it and get back up stronger then before.

[Narellan]

Before I met my ex BPD I was vulnerable and suffering from the effects of a failed 23 year marriage with my bipolar husband. I already had self esteem issues and felt like I'd failed in my marriage. I'd been separated 18 months and a bit depressed and lonely. My exBPD built me up to a point where I believed I'd never been so happy and I was living life again. So the end of that hit me in such a devastating way. But I am so grateful he came into my life. Now that I am starting to feel detachment I feel happier than I have in many years. And I don't believe I ever have felt this strong and determined. The things about me that have changed are I am not as trusting of people now. He taught me that . People do lie and cheat and betray and it's not always a beautiful world. I was way too trusting and caring. I feel a bit more hardened now from my BPD experience. I question things a lot more and I research things so I'm not taken by surprise anymore. I've learned to trust my gut feeling. I've learned that people can only walk all over me if I let them. I've learned it's ok to be angry and to express it, I've always been afraid to do that. I've learned that when I can't see any way out and I'd rather not be alive, that those feelings pass. I've learned from him that I can survive anything.

[blissful_camper]

I was in an decent but vulnerable place when my ex and I became involved.  My career was going well, (that's the decent part), but I was vulnerable because I was coming out of a 5-year relationship. 

My self esteem at that time wasn't as high as it usually is, but I was feeling reasonably strong and was moving forward in positive ways. 

My work reinforces and boosts my self-esteem, and instills me with great joy. When I met him exciting things were happening, and I had worked hard for them.  Some of these accomplishments were personal goals I'd had for 20+ years, and were a big deal to me the kind of accomplishments that make you weep with joy when they happen. 

My passion for life, positive attitude, and the love I have for my work drew him to me at first.  Then he grew jealous.  Then he tried to undermine my career goals, and plans I had for the future.  Then he started wearing and tearing me down, inch by inch, day by day. 

As the relationship progressed, I felt my self esteem crumbling.  Being around him wasn't a loving, uplifting, or inspiring experience.  His abusiveness wore me down, his issues took a lot of my focus away from my work.  When it ended, I felt so damaged I was worried that I wouldn't get myself back. 

I'm coming back.  This last month I've noticed a lot of changes in me.  My positive attitude is returning. My self esteem has increased to a healthier level, though I still have work to do there. I'm feeling stronger emotionally, and happier.  My appetite has improved. I'm feeling more like my old self again. 

What's different is I'm wiser than I was before the relationship. I feel as though I have a better understanding of myself, and I have more self-respect.  I'm not as trusting as I was before the r/s, but I feel that balancing out.  I'm determined to never have another unhealthy relationship.  I'd rather be alone.  I'm not in an r/s at this time and I'm enjoying that.  I'm enjoying taking care of me and my dog, and focusing on work.   

[Narellan]

  Blissful camper. And big hugs. You have helped me a lot. 

[blissful_camper]

 Blissful camper. And big hugs. You have helped me a lot. 

Big hugs back Narellan.  You have helped me too!     We're gonna get through this with flying colors!   

[Narellan]

Yes we are " I'm on my way from misery to happiness"

Singing that as I type. I'm doing so much better now. Most days anyway, so that's good progress x

[Samsara121]

Thank you Pecator for this question.

Before my r/s my dream would outweigh the reality, my coping mechanisms were still "on" from my FOO.

Now I've learned to listen well to the red flags that were literally thrown at my face and respect my guts.

Now I've learned that I don't want any quick r/s but a a deep, stable and sustainable one.

Now I know my triggers and understood that I still need to heal my heart from my early broken ties with my parents.

Now I'm not afraid how to go deeper in myself, I learn what a healthy r/s should be.

I've learned that my healing process with therapy actually takes a long time and I'm happy that I stick to it.

Thanks to this r/s I have been able to get in touch with her deep compassion and also deep expressed anger. I needed to be in touch with so strong feelings to understand mine and my limits.

Now I know why I like intense feelings yet not to that extent.

Now I'm learning about real love, it is a decision only based about my myself and not the other person. I've learned that even though I'm craving to love and be loved, I need to be very cautious and open my heart carefully.

[babyducks]

I got a couple of gifts from my r/s.

I gained a greater insight and awareness into my own feelings and thoughts than I ever thought I could have.

I developed the abilities to stand tall in a tempest, hold on to what I believe, and work for my own good.

In the last year I have probably put more effort into the care and happiness of babyducks than I did in my entire life prior.

I learned how to say No.

This r/s rejuvenated  me in some ways and while it has been a horrible battle, its a battle I am winning.

[LongGoneEx]

I feel a bit more hardened now from my BPD experience. I question things a lot more and I research things so I'm not taken by surprise anymore. I've learned to trust my gut feeling. I've learned that people can only walk all over me if I let them.

This.