Reached out via email... why do we do it?

[sirensong65]

Well, this Friday WOULD have been 90 days NC.  It is also his birthday.  Why I couldn't stop thinking about reaching out is unclear.  I am pretty sure he is a new relationship and I am just his past now and something he is choosing to forget.  Yet, I emailed him apologizing for the nasty (yet true) things I said when I walked away this last time and to let him know he is on my mind with his birthday coming up.  I said I didn't need a response, yet I am now horribly depressed that it was not acknowledged.  Who's the train wreck now?  He is starting to look like the healthy, sane one and me, on the other hand... . not so much.

I started on St. John's Wort over the weekend.  The depression I felt months ago is back and debilitating.  I have the thoughts that life just isn't fulfilling anymore and that this is where I will sit forever.  Not feeling like committing suicide yet not interested in living if this makes sense,

Called in today for work and have just been in a stupor alternating between sleeping and mindless TV.  I think the St. Johns Wort has caused an intestinal issue which is the real reason I called off... . can't get too far from home if you get my drift.

I just can't believe I am back to this mindset.  I am disgusted with myself.

[willy45]

That's a yucky feeling. I'm sorry... . It is strange how the mind knows to not have anything to do with them yet the heart takes longer to come to terms. But, don't feel bad about sending an email. We've all been there! Just remember, you were probably feeling better after NC. Look at this as a lesson learned. I've been at this two years. My ex intermittently contacts me and if I give in and contact back it lands me right back to where you are now.

[1989]

Sirensong65, just hang in there.  It gets better.  It takes awhile to disconnect from this disorder.  A long while, but you will get there, you just have to keep pressing through it.  

Three years ago I was exactly where you are, and I admit I probably stayed there for 12 months and then just the "okay, it's not as bad as it was but I'm still not all that excited about life."  I have been very excited about life for the past 14 months now.  You will get there, too!  And you will get there by moving forward.

I ended all contact completely.  And by that I mean I made it impossible for him to reach me.  Once I did that I joined this awesome group.  It just takes time and understanding of his disorder.  I have followed your story,you have a really good grasp of what is going on with him.  This isn't about you.  This is about his response to his earlier trauma.  And unless he seeks understanding and healing of it, does the necessary work, then no amount of time will fix him.  You can't do the work for him.  But you do have to take care of yourself.  

Just keep on the course that you set for yourself.  You will get through it, but you have to keep moving forward and away from him.  He can never give you what you need or deserve; and it has nothing to do with anything lacking in you.  You need to believe that.


1989

[willy45]

What has helped me... .

1) integrating: I learned that in Order to have stayed in rs, I split my gf between good and bad. Her abuse, gaslighting, and manipulations only served to support that. So, now the hard work is to learn that the crazy was not my fault and that it was her. I didn't cause her to act the way she did. That's who she was. The good and the bad we're the same person. Write down or draw this person out on a piece of paper and look at it. Mourn the good and be angry at the bad. Most importantly, see the good and the bad as one person. You deserve better.

[willy45]

2) don't judge yourself! You are probably used to taking the blame he threw at you for his bad behavior. So now you are doing it again in your own mind. This is just a residual effect of having stayed with him. Don't judge yourself for that. It's ok to have tried to understand and make things better. The thing is is that it was not your fault. Now, your mind is just used to thinking that way and taking the blame. It's a pattern and you got out. Now you can heal.

[willy45]

3) Anger: be angry! It's so easy to turn the anger on yourself. Again, this is a direct result of being with him. Be angry at him and express it in physical ways. Hit pillows, do excersice, get the anger out of your body. It's too easy to turn it on yourself. Again, this was a coping mechanism to be with him and it is part of the abuse cycle. You are used to that so it's easy. Fight it. Tap into the anger and express it out, not in. You are strong. You can do it.

[willy45]

4) pray: the most effective prayer in these situations is: F#ck it. Just say that over and over again. Get up. Do something. Anything. And tell yourself that over and over again. The person you 'love' doesn't exist.  So, f#ck it! F#ck this mother f#cker. So what if he doesn't respond to your email. He sounds like an a##hole. So, f#ck it!

[1989]

I just wanted to add that Willy is correct.  You have every right to be angry.  It took me 23 years to get angry, but once I did the healing began.  And prayer helped a lot, too. 


Don't beat yourself up over calling him.  That happens.  I guess I just kept reminding myself of how awful I felt when I would reach out.  Far worse than before I had. 

[sirensong65]

Willy you made me laugh.  I huge feat for today.

I am just pondering why I care about hearing from someone who I know doesn't give two craps about me?  What does that say about me?

Or the fact that I have plenty of opportunities with available and interested men and when they show interest I feel sick and leave the scene?

I have a ton of friends.  I have a great job (finally!).  I am now in the best physical shape of my life ad yet I feel like crap when I look in the mirror.

I have a nice place to live, a nice car to drive, I have two kids who I love and adore at home.  And I don't want to get my ass out of bed today OR shower, OR cook dinner, OR go to work, OR clean my house, OR... . (insert here).

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why does this one person matter SO much?  Why does this one year relationship screw with me SO badly?  How can others just move on and be fine and I cant seem to pry these friggin' concrete boots off my feet?

I'm pissed today. It me, at him, at the situation.  And I'm hurt... . very hurt.

[sirensong65]

And if I wanted a response to the email, why did I say in the email I didn't need a response?  So now I am destroyed because I got exactly what I stated in the email... . no response.

What did I expect from contacting him?  What did I want?  I have no freakin idea... .

[seeking balance]

What did I expect from contacting him?  What did I want?  I have no freakin idea... .

Look - let it go... . you went to the source of your pain for your comfort - wise, nope; but heck WE ALL DID IT until we didn't any longer.

So, now what - cry and move along with rebuilding your life.  Yes it is sad and yes it is scary, but with change really will come new opportunity, it just feels crappy right now.  It doesn't stay that way forever, honestly.

What do you do for physical work out?  Run, yoga, walk, hike, kick-box... . go do it and get that anger out!

Be kind to you, if you won't be  - who will?  Forgive yourself.

Peace,

SB

[willy45]

Good! Glad to make you laugh. Sometimes I look at it and see how friggin' predictable it all is and it makes me laugh. It's funny because we all feel like our pain is so unique and our situations so different. And then you read about BPD and come on these boards and it's like... . oh. This is a thing. It's the same g*d d@mned stupid thing! The scripts are the same. The actors are different. But it's the same friggin' story! It's actually kind of hilarious.

[1989]

I originally posted to try to comfort you by letting you know that it does get better and to please just hang in there.  I was also suicidal.  I didn't attempt it but I knew how I would do it.  That's the reason I reached out to you.  I have been there before.  Twice, unfortunately, with the same person- 22 years apart.  These relationships are very damaging and that is why it takes so long to recover from them.  It has nothing to do with weakness on our part. 

As far as why you care so much about what he thinks--we all go through that.  When you and another person "love" each other and then they put all the blame for their bad feelings on you, you have a real need for them to admit that it isn't you.  I wish I understood that.  I do know that I spent my whole life up until two weeks before my mother (who it was suggested by a T probably was BPD) died trying to get her to "see" me the way everyone but her saw me.  I wanted her to see me in a good light.  Finally, I realized she probably never would and I told her that I no longer cared what she thought about me because she was the only one who seemed to have that low of an opinion of me.  She died two weeks later unexpectedly, and I think it helped me that I had reached that place with her.

It's human nature for us to want someone we love to believe that we are the person we truly are.  Who doesn't want that?  The blame game he is playing is not a reflection on you.  It's a shell game.  Where can he put the blame today so that he doesn't have to consider that maybe he's the one with the problem?  He won't always feel this way about you.  It's his way of detaching quicker from you.  It's not even what he honestly believes.  And once the pressure is off, he will remember you for the good parts, not the bad stuff that he has projected onto you.

You are amazing!  I've read your posts for a long time.  You really understand that he doesn't love himself.  I remember your "Ironman" post.  You could not have loved him better.  He's disordered.  

[myself]

It's like taking the drug you're withdrawing from so you don't feel the withdrawal symptoms. Thinking that the way out is by going back in is like living in a maze of our own making. Only by getting through getting free of the addiction cycles will we get past it. None of us like to feel rejected or abandoned. We all want to be acknowledged. We all think, at least for awhile, that there's a way to mend the reality and dream together. The best way to do this is from within. Feel the feelings while facing the facts. You have many reasons to feel bad. You have many reasons to improve that, too. It can be done. As we reach for and settle into positive changes in our lives, there is often a transitional detox growth-spurt period. 

[tango1492]

This sounds like me... . feeling so sad that I spent my days off doing nothing but watching TV. It's been NC for 4 months, and I still fear that someday I will break down and send that email. And I'm pretty sure he has a gf, etc. There is no point. I realize that. Even if he did reply, it wouldn't go well. Anytime we've had contact, it only causes me pain in the end. I have to remind my self of that over and over.

Don't beat yourself up! I literally had to change my email and phone number. As much so that I would stop checking my phone hoping to hear from him as anything else. I know it hurts your pride to break down and on top of it you feel rejected.

That's the worst and I've been there. Sometimes I start imagining his life is so great and that he's happier than I am, etc. But I have to stop myself and remember that no matter how pretty or successful his new gf is, there is simply no way that he's suddenly capable of having a deep and healthy romantic relationship. I know for certain that the relationship is either shallow and something to just get him by so he doesn't have to be alone, or that they have a strong connection in which case ALL of his wounds and fears are triggered and he's behaving in all the unhealthy ways he did with me.

In a way, I am lucky that that my ex had times when he'd be really honest and tell me he's NEVER trusted any woman he's been in love with. That ALL his relationships end the same. And that he pushes away the people he loves and needs the most. So at least I know it's not me.

I wish I had some great advice for you. Hang in there. You're certainly not alone in this.

[patientandclear]

And if I wanted a response to the email, why did I say in the email I didn't need a response?  So now I am destroyed because I got exactly what I stated in the email... . no response.

What did I expect from contacting him?  What did I want?  I have no freakin idea... .

You most likely said you didn't need a response  because you were afraid he wouldn't respond and you were trying to take control of that situation.  Our defenses do get in the way of communication, a lot ... . a small version of the big way that the defenses of pwBPD get in the way of communication, by anticipating the worst and then reacting as if it has already happened.

You have reason to fear hurt.  But I suspect that's where that impulse comes from.  It's hard acting without fear in connection with pwBPD.

[willy45]

Agreed with Patientandclear... . But with a caveat. You were probably EQUALLY scared that he would respond. Listen to that voice. That is the healthy one that knows this person is dangerous to you. Right now, you are probably of two minds. The one that says this guy is bad news and the one that thinks he's great. Listen to the wise part if yourself. That us the part that told him not to respond, the one telling you to stay away from the hot oven because YOU KNOW you will get burned. I do it too... . Nothing to be ashamed about. That's the whole problem with the rs and why they are so difficult. You really are dealing with someone who is mentally unwell. It is almost like split personality. Your job when you think he's great is to listen to the voice that knows he's not. Listen to the voice that got you out and the one that is trying to protect you. That little caveat was that voice trying to muscle in. Give it strength and amplify it. It is the real you protecting yourself from what you know is the real him.

[kba1969]

I'm new to my pain and I'm just being very aware of my stages in this F'n b.s.  What I keep telling myself and I have come to realize is that they hurt more than we do.  Their life is going nowhere!  They might pretend that they are happy but when their sitting alone wherever they know their life sucks and it's all their fault.  :)on't worry about him not answering you email, mine played that childish game too.  You see, if a two year old new you were upset at them their gonna hide in the closet.  They are afraid to talk to you because they don't want to hear the truth!  My daughter who's nine has more emotional development than my X, it's so weird!  Part of no contact is avoiding the feeling of waiting for a response or even caring how they are.  What you need to do, as I do, is prepare for when he gets bored of his girlfriend and contacts you.  I'm told it's not if... . it's when.  Mine has come back every other time and I let her back in.  Homey ain't playin that game again.  Keep yourself busy and be aware of your stages of grief.  Stop and think things through.  Your gonna win this one, I just know it

[Narellan]

There's some great advice been given here. Very insightful and ill take some of that advice and use it myself. Sirensong  :'(  I was where you are not so long ago too. Couldn't function couldn't even get out of bed lots of days. Vomiting with stress, anxiety and profound sadness.

I allowed myself to give in to this pain. I felt it and talked to myself about what and why I was feeling it. It's depression and it's normal. And it gets better with time. You have been rejected again by no reply to the email. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you're feeling... . You've just taken another hit from him. The "not wanting to live" signifies rock bottom for you, and for me this was my turning point. After a few days the agony became bearable and a few weeks later I feel much better. I'm smiling again, and laughing at times ( thanks willy 45)

You will get there too sweetie. You know what you have to do now.

My thoughts are with you