Trying to avoid engulfment

[krazyblue]

My wife has been being really nice to me since I tried to leave her a little over a week ago. Her behavior had gotten steadily worse since she became unable to work due to worsening arthritis.  I suffer from complex trauma due to growing up with a BPD mom and she was triggering the ___ out of me.

I became lost amongst her unrealistic fantasies and emotional instability.  Sudden attacks increased. Finally, I had began seriously fearing for my own sanity.  She had been bad before but I just had to get off the roller coaster this time. I happened upon this site and began learning about the disorder.  Taking a stand was excrutiating.  She spun out into whirlwind of brutal attacks. I started asking myself if I could really stand to weather the storms anymore even with the tools. 

I ended up telling her that I was done.  She really let loose an incredible meltdown but over time was able to listen to my need to not continue to live with certain behavior. She said she would consider going back into therapy.  I not going to hold my breath on that one but I can only hope.

At this point I've been sleeping in a separate rooms and spending most evenings at AA meetings (I'm 14yrs sober).  I'm trying to focus on developing a life outside the relationship and taking care of myself. It's hard now that she is being really nice. I'm trying not to get sucked back in because I don't want to enable her and I no longer want to give in to putting up with abuse.  I have to keep a solid sense of myself so that I can recognize the behavior when it happens and use the tools.  I get anxious when she is too nice.  There has to be another emotional trip sooner or later. 

I'm hanging in there but it's tough to changes the enabling instincts I've had since childhood.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Theo41]

Wow Crazyblue, you and I have similar backgrounds and experience. My dad had BPD behaviors. I believe that experience set me up to tolerate the sometimes intolerable behavior of my uBPDw. I have lasted for decades in this relationship by compartmentalizing and creating for myself a terrific life in most other areas: AA(30+) , Alanon (5) , great career job, sports, art,and more . Additionally my wife is a great companion 40-60% of the time and we have fun going to dinner,movies and visiting with friends. So, while we (me and my wife) are living with this horrible problem, I still love life and give my life an 8+ out of 10. It's bearable today.

The compartmentalization has been a blessing and a negative too. It has allowed me to get by but without addressing the problem.

From this site and in Alanon I have learned How to use boundries(very important) and how to validate her feelings which helps significantly to reduce the intensity and duration of her dysfunctional episodes.

One other thing I've learned: they are shockingly fearful of abandonment. My wife has tried everything to stop me from leaving: switching gears and being nice for awhile like ur wife, standing in the doorway, hiding keys, threatening suicide, threatening "the worst divorce imaginable", laying down on the hood of the car.

There's a book titled Splitting which you and I need to read if we move into the leaving category. Hope some of this helps. Keep posting. Theo

[krazyblue]

Thanks for your response Theo.  I'm still working on expanding my life outside of the relationship.  I got really isolated for a while.  I've trying to really get involved with the AA community in my area.  I working on getting to regular Al-Anon meetings.  I have a well established relationship with my therapist.  I enjoy my work and get along great with my co-workers.  In fact, I was happy the other night when I got home.  She came out of her room in total emotional upheaval. She had a poor interaction with a hand therapist that was supposed to continue being friendly and working to find solutions for her limitations. It  was late and I needed to get up for work in the morning.  I've been reading "Love Somone with Borderline  Personality Disorder".  I tried to use the skills in that book and also what I've learned on this site plus other books as well.  I think it definitely think it helped but I still need to practice.  Progress not Perfection I guess.

[Theo41]

Yes. Just keep learning and trying to put things into practice gradual. I have had episodes of regression under difficult circumstances but try to take them in stride knowing that it's 2 steps forward one step back. Good luck to u , u are in the right place.Theo

[formflier]

 

Theo and Krazy,

I identify with lots of what both of you guys said.

Compartmentalization was big for me as an aviator... . I was probably good at it growing up... . that way I could focus on all the good things... . and ignore glaring things in family life that should cause concern.

I wish both of you well as your take the two steps forward... and hopefully none back. 

I certainly have that feeling in my life... . the tools work... . they are not easy to implement ... . but they do work.

I have hope.