Body issues

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Deep body issues have been triggered through him. He knew

my insecurity and fed off of it to keep me. Then when he

moved on to something he found more alluring/attractive

he discarded me.

I am working on my body now... at first it was some sort of twisted revenge to him

but now I am just doing it for me. It was something I always wanted to do.

If I think about it too hard it really hurts. 

Any suggestions to work through body issues and not base my identity

on looks and how my partners percieve my physical beauty?

It runs very deep. I was always complimented for my looks starting

as a young child and there are some very deep hooks in there...

that are very complicated.

My mother lied about me being half black for many years due to shame, because

we lived in the south.

So I was told I was beautiful while being taught a huge part of me was shameful

and ugly. It brings me tears typing this... (I'm at school so I'm trying to fast about it)

I have a very nice face... but I'm curvier 10/12... . and I have always had

alot of body issues due to my pear shape.  He likes very thin girls...

and I feel like he found me attractive at first... but then when he got

bored starting picking me apart... Not to mention I am more caramel complected

with very curly hair (he prefers caucasian types)

I'm pretty sure he's a narcissist.

The funny part is he is obese! Very tall... but obese non the less! Yet

I feel destroyed by him... even though I'm way out of his league!

I'm still struggling with this. I was at the gym with a friend the other day,

and she asked me to point out what I think I look like.

She said the girl was AT LEAST 3-4 sizes larger than me.

I always knew this was a problem, but my relationship with him really

forced me to look at it.

It is very hard... there is a lot of shame about my looks for myriad of reasons.

I grew up in the south black=ugly

America/men = the thinner the better.

I don't mind making my body look better, because I have a lot of potential

there are girls who are way bigger/worse shapes than me.

But it's really hard. I hate it my parents conditioned my self

worth to be correlated to my looks. That, compounded with an

extremely shallow society ... . I have serious issues.

It seems really shallow... I know. But there's a lot of shame there

and self hate.

[arjay]

... . "America/men = the thinner the better"... .

My dear, that is simply a myth.  I for one always appreciated a plus size woman... .

[corraline]

Dear Hurt

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. 

I experience this to some degree as well.

It's painful how our ex's touch our most deepest wounds and break them wide open.

Our culture also sets us up to have an unrealistic standard of beauty almost impossible to attain.  There has been alot of change in this area but healing what has already been done is work.  Work on the inside and out.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

... . "America/men = the thinner the better"... .

My dear, that is simply a myth.  I for one always appreciated a plus size woman... .

Lol! depends on the proportions! And I dont meet

Many of you!

Dear Hurt

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with us. 

I experience this to some degree as well.

It's painful how our ex's touch our most deepest wounds and break them wide open.

Our culture also sets us up to have an unrealistic standard of beauty almost impossible to attain.  There has been alot of change in this area but healing what has already been done is work.  Work on the inside and out.

I need to keep in mind his age. Hes very young 22 im 27.

Hes not a real man yet. I know I need someone older but

Intimidated by it.

Theres so much work to do with myself its overwhelming

Im not sure I can handle it all.

So much easier to avoid

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Or takits hard to focus on myself.e care of other people!

[corraline]

I'm a big self care advocate at the moment Hurt.  So here goes again... .   Baby steps... . do little things to take care of you.

Your body is a temple, treat it as such. So is your heart and mind, do the same there. Come up with a "feel good" plan just for you  !  Have a healthy relationship with yourself. Go at your own pace.

You are beautiful, no less than the trees and the stars whether or not it is clear to you right now.

[Contradancer]

Shallow men want women who look like models (which look more like boys). I'm 5'7", weigh 160 lbs, and wear a size 14. Plus, I have black hair the looks ridiculous dyed (lots of Native American DNA), and am in my mid 50s.

I worry far more about my health than a size. Almost daily, I get men staring at me, flirting with me, or asking me out (answer is always "no" because I have a REALLY excellent man in my life).

I get the attention because I like myself. When people (usually women) pester me because I wear skirts almost every day and won't color my hair I ditch them. I LIKE who I am and feel comfortable in my skin, so why waste my time on any one who criticizes me?

BTW, that excellent man in my life likes the whole package (physical, intellectual, ethics, and humor) and wouldn't change a thing. He feels fortunate to be with me.

Don't be hard on yourself. Don't let anyone else define you.

Best wishes on continuing forward.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I'm a big self care advocate at the moment Hurt.  So here goes again... .  Baby steps... . do little things to take care of you.

Your body is a temple, treat it as such. So is your heart and mind, do the same there. Come up with a "feel good" plan just for you  !  Have a healthy relationship with yourself. Go at your own pace.

You are beautiful, no less than the trees and the stars whether or not it is clear to you right now.

Iv been trying it helps.

Shallow men want women who look like models (which look more like boys). I'm 5'7", weigh 160 lbs, and wear a size 14. Plus, I have black hair the looks ridiculous dyed (lots of Native American DNA), and am in my mid 50s.

I worry far more about my health than a size. Almost daily, I get men staring at me, flirting with me, or asking me out (answer is always "no" because I have a REALLY excellent man in my life).

I get the attention because I like myself. When people (usually women) pester me because I wear skirts almost every day and won't color my hair I ditch them. I LIKE who I am and feel comfortable in my skin, so why waste my time on any one who criticizes me?

BTW, that excellent man in my life likes the whole package (physical, intellectual, ethics, and humor) and wouldn't change a thing. He feels fortunate to be with me.

Don't be hard on yourself. Don't let anyone else define you.

Best wishes on continuing forward.

Sometimes when I go for jogs or walks ill grt several honks.

Or one time a really attractive guy yelled out "hot"! When I was walking once

I was really flattered bc he was professional looking and handsome.

But only in that moment. For some reason its my BPD ex that I

Want to find me attractive... . If he doesnt then I must not be.

Its crazy hes less attractive than some of the men I get staring at me.

I know its bc he tapped into my insecurities purposely.

The last time we were w another and I asked why he wouldnt date me

He told me what seemed to be an honest and vulnerable

Answer related to his mental illness.

But I couldnt accept it... I just kept thinking of "jokes"

He made about what he percieved as inferior traits I have.

I asked him point blank "its bc of the way I look isnt it?"

His response was "really?"

Its like... Yea! Really! What did u think I would

Feel after the caucasian women are so perfect looking

And ur not usually my type comments!

[Reforming]

Hi Hurt

I think any breakup can open old wounds.

I've had body image issues (I'm a man) from my mid teens. I still do and I'm in my forties.

Bad acne left scarring which I am very aware of though most people don't even see it.

My weight has see sawed over the last ten years.

I generally hate seeing myself ib photographs or on video

My self confidence is erratic but it's always been unhealthily influenced by my appearance

I realise that I've struggled with a feeling of defectiveness from childhood.

This had a huge influence on my choice of partner and the way I approached my relationships


You seem very bright and self aware. You mentioned that your ex tapped into your insecurities and highlighted them ?

Why do you think he did that?

Would you do that to your partner?

Do you believe that if you reconnected to him that your feelings of shame would go away?


The rational part of my mind recognises that I'm not ugly but I deep down I've never believed it.

I stayed far too long in a destructive relationship where I wasn't being loved in the way that I needed

But I also recognise that my confusion and my sense of worthlessness were not caused by my relationship or my partner.

They've been chasing me since I was a child

I'm trying to work on that now.

Perhaps it's worth asking yourself why you are so drawn to someone who used your insecurities to control and manipulate you

It's a lovely day here and the sun is shining.

Good luck

[DreamGirl]

Hi hurt, I really understand where you're coming from. 

I think like 70% of the women on the planet, we struggle with body issues. Do you think it's bad enough that you need to address it in therapy? (i.e. like an eating disorder, or obsessive thoughts about it, etc.)

I ask that because I really struggle when it comes to body image. I also know that it also stems from some manifestations that started in childhood. I have had struggled with low self worth and therefore would tend to seek outwardly what I could only be fulfilled by seeking inwardly.   

But only in that moment. For some reason its my BPD ex that I

Want to find me attractive... . If he doesnt then I must not be.

Its crazy hes less attractive than some of the men I get staring at me.

OK, hurt, I want you to think about this.

Why do you think you place your beauty in the hands of men reacting to you? I understand the validation (I too gain some level of satisfaction when getting gawked at) but when we are totally dependent on it, there might be something underlying that... .

I had some influences in my childhood that were pretty brutal when it came to my appearance and I have carried that into my adulthood. It's helped to recognize that and be honest about it.

What do you see in the mirror? The beauty or the flaws? Do you think it's a healthy level?

~DreamGirl

[Ihope2]

Oh Hurtbeyondrepair27!  What pain and shame you have been carrying around with you about a "race" issue in your FOO.

I am not of Black descent, but I was born and raised in apartheid South Africa, and now I am living here again in the Post apartheid "New" SA.

The humiliation and shame of being of the "wrong" race is a horrible legacy that still lingers here after 20 years of this being a democratic and free country.  The damage is long-felt, and carried over into new generations.  That feeling of inferiority and shame, for something that is so misconstrued and twisted.  It is nobody's fault to be born the way they are.  We are all created in our Creator's image, beautiful each and every one of us.

Institutional violence of certain races being considered more or less important in a society, has created so much suffering and shame for so many.

It is heartening and very interesting to witness how the concept of beauty has changed in South Africa over the decades now, though. In the 1970's and '80's all you saw in magazines here were Caucasian, blond, willowy, blue eyed fashion models.  Nowadays, you see the most beautiful people of all possible hues and facial features:  a melting pot of African, Caucasian, Asian,  Oriental and Indian features.  Diversity is truly starting to be recognised and celebrated.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

Why do you think he did that? I have theories that it was to keep me. I am considered out of his league in all honesty!

He has very rigid views of beauty.

Would you do that to your partner? Hell no!

Do you believe that if you reconnected to him that your feelings of shame would go away? I think my feelings of shame

are to do with me instead of him. I think I am starting to detach from caring if that is what he believes.

He is no one to judge my looks.

The rational part of my mind recognises that I'm not ugly but I deep down I've never believed it. -Me too.


Thanks Reforming... things to think about  

Hi hurt, I really understand where you're coming from. 

I think like 70% of the women on the planet, we struggle with body issues. Do you think it's bad enough that you need to address it in therapy? (i.e. like an eating disorder, or obsessive thoughts about it, etc.)

I ask that because I really struggle when it comes to body image. I also know that it also stems from some manifestations that started in childhood. I have had struggled with low self worth and therefore would tend to seek outwardly what I could only be fulfilled by seeking inwardly.   

But only in that moment. For some reason its my BPD ex that I

Want to find me attractive... . If he doesnt then I must not be.

Its crazy hes less attractive than some of the men I get staring at me.

OK, hurt, I want you to think about this.

Why do you think you place your beauty in the hands of men reacting to you? I understand the validation (I too gain some level of satisfaction when getting gawked at) but when we are totally dependent on it, there might be something underlying that... .

I had some influences in my childhood that were pretty brutal when it came to my appearance and I have carried that into my adulthood. It's helped to recognize that and be honest about it.

What do you see in the mirror? The beauty or the flaws? Do you think it's a healthy level?

~DreamGirl

I see more flaws... I don't think it is healthy and I am starting to believe I have BDD.

I think I get off on the way men react to me because of an unhealthy dynamic between

me and my step father.

Oh Hurtbeyondrepair27!  What pain and shame you have been carrying around with you about a "race" issue in your FOO.

I am not of Black descent, but I was born and raised in apartheid South Africa, and now I am living here again in the Post apartheid "New" SA.

The humiliation and shame of being of the "wrong" race is a horrible legacy that still lingers here after 20 years of this being a democratic and free country.  The damage is long-felt, and carried over into new generations.  That feeling of inferiority and shame, for something that is so misconstrued and twisted.  It is nobody's fault to be born the way they are.  We are all created in our Creator's image, beautiful each and every one of us.

Institutional violence of certain races being considered more or less important in a society, has created so much suffering and shame for so many.

It is heartening and very interesting to witness how the concept of beauty has changed in South Africa over the decades now, though. In the 1970's and '80's all you saw in magazines here were Caucasian, blond, willowy, blue eyed fashion models.  Nowadays, you see the most beautiful people of all possible hues and facial features:  a melting pot of African, Caucasian, Asian,  Oriental and Indian features.  Diversity is truly starting to be recognised and celebrated.

I'm sure it will stay with me a lifetime.

I hate living in my body sometimes.

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

This video is so beautiful I dunno if we can post youtube videos...

but I saw it for the first time yesterday, and I literally watch it smiling the whole way

It totally speaks to me.

Talk about learning to love yourself as is!

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRXc_-c_9Xc&sns=fb

[Ihope2]

Perhaps exploring that unhealthy dynamic with your stepfather and what that was all about, will help you understand yourself better?

There was a lot of inhibition and "illicit" desires in apartheid South Africa.  The country was run by staunchly "Christian" white Afrikaner men, who laid down laws about how immoral it was for people of colour to have any sort of relationship (let alone sexual liaisons) with white people.  There was even a law called the "immorality act" that made it a punishable offence to sleep with a person of a different race to you!  This ridiculous indoctrination affected people in strange ways.  A lot of white men developed a fascination for women of colour.

If something is declared "immoral" and "illicit" and even punishable by law, it suddenly becomes something to fantasize about for some people. It almost became like a sexual "paraphilia" for some males to find a woman of colour to sleep with clandestinely.  Of course, it was never talked about in the religiously fundamentalist circles in society, but it was common knowledge that some people got off on the illicitness of it all.

And then of course, the men would "split" their own "bad, illicit" side off and project it all onto the women - it is them, they have black skin, they have a weird "voodoo" culture, they are bad, they made us do it. 

This creates so much psychological damage in a society and within people.  Women are devalued even more, treated as lust objects, and treated as second class citizens because of the colour of their skin. 

I was reminded of how similar things must have been in the US Deep South in the previous centuries, when I watched "12 Years a Slave" recently.  A difficult movie to watch, but excellent and very sobering.

[Ihope2]

Sorry, I did not mean that you must engage with your stepfather in analysing the dynamic!  I read it again and it sounds wrong.

  I meant explore what that dynamic with him was all about... .