I know this forum is BPD focused but I'm having a really tough time right now and have been since my ex left me in 2013.
If you want to read my story/experiences you can view them here -
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=225448.0TLDR version:
Myself and my ex are nons. We broke up in 2013, during the aftermath of break up a mutual female friend of ours with BPD got into our business. She used and manipulated me to gain information about my ex and played the faux role of go between ('oh I'll ask him and see if you guys can't sort this whole thing out' in order to begin dating my ex. She then quickly painted me black, telling everyone I was crazy, gaslit me, continued to lie to me, insult me and even sent me death threats. Despite my ex having known her longer than I, he is clearly unaware of how messed up she is. I'm very confident she does not love him and is using him as an excuse to continue being close and stalking her ex husband (who is also a mutual friend). I cut off all contact around Halloween, my ex and her have now been together nearly 9 months which worries me greatly.
It's been about 8 months since I have spoken to my ex and almost a year since we split up.
When we stopped talking I really wanted to make an effort to move on with my life. I felt it was time to live for me and improve my own person.
Unfortunately bad things seem to come in groups. Just before Christmas I was made redundant from my job, I liked my job even though it was not quite my desired career path. I did have some problems with the journey to work though, could be quite pricey and in the end I rented a small flat for myself but it didn't really change the expense; the money was just going somewhere else. So since January I have been jobless. At the time it was not a massive ordeal as I saw it as more of an opportunity to try new things and I did, I was happy for quite some time. But money has begun to run out and I am not hearing ANYTHING back from any jobs; it is so disheartening.
I am a skilled worker with a vast knowledge of software and technology, I am very creative and work really well on my own and in a group, I have a good degree and a decent amount of experience, there is really no reason I can not find a good job in the domains of preference. But I haven't heard anything, I've applied for around 60 jobs this month alone and not even an email! I am talking absolute radio silence from jobs, no interview, messages, phone calls; zip. I've had to check several times my contact details are correct on my CV I'm that stunned (thinking emails are just getting stuck in the abyss or something). I've even had agencies call me with suggested roles they feel I'm a 'perfect candidate' and 'shoe in' for and still heard nothing.
I had to move back home to my mum's house a couple of months back as, understandably, I couldn't afford rent. I have her breathing down my neck to find a job, any job, and although I totally understand where she is coming from, with all that's happened lately and the depression it's really important for me to find a job I like and gives me a sense of purpose. I'm not opposed to retail or waitress etc at all but for me that is the last ditch attempt; because I know how unhappy it would make me. With now nearly 4 whole months of no work, and no contact in regards to potential work... . it's desperate. Today I had to walk into town and start applying for sales assistant jobs and I'm just crushed, it feels like I'm back at square one; a few have already called me for interviews which could be considered great but I was nearly in tears picking up some of the phone calls, it's like 'is this seriously all I'm good at?', I don't want to sound snobby but I just thought I was capable of much more. I would much rather go on the dole if I'm honest, and teach myself more relevant software, build a portfolio and volunteer in my spare time until I can get a better job offer; but with my mum I'd never hear the end of it. (She is not a pwBPD btw but is a particularly critical individual, I sometimes feel she thinks I'm not capable of looking after myself).
This isn't it either, my health has got bad again. I have a bleed behind one of my eyes and an ongoing problem with my chest/windpipe that doctors are currently bemused by; it almost feels like asthma but they have done all the tests and told me that's not it. I love going outside and swimming etc but I still have coughing fits and feel nauseous a lot.
About a month ago I went on two amazing dates with a new guy. He was absolutely lovely, funny, seemed really into me; I thought I'd finally hit some luck. No dice , after the second date he went quiet and then told me he feels he is too busy with work at the moment to date (he has an amazing job in the industry I'd love to get into). He was really apologetic about it and not at all malicious but it obviously did feel like a kick in the gut. We still talk occasionally so perhaps there is hope for us to see each other again in the future but ya know if he liked me that much he'd make the time.
Right now I feel like I'm worthless... . exactly what the pwBPD said I was. I have no job, no relationship, no money, no home of my own... . everything I had started to crumble since the day my ex and I split up. I just feel like it's such injustice. We break up, she comes in and causes drama, says horrible things to and about me (including telling me to die) and starts a relationship with my ex. They now sit there together, a relationship (which at this point I can assume they are 'happy' in), decent jobs, their own flats (well they at least don't live with parents), good career options, income.
I just feel like I'm cursed.
I'm losing my confidence quickly, I pretty much expect not to hear back from jobs now (my cover letters are getting shorter and shorter because I almost don't see the point in putting the effort in any longer), I don't see why anyone would want to date such a failure like me, I have no money to go do things I enjoy or do social activities so I feel alone. I don't wish to sound childish but how on Earth is this fair? To suffer the abuse and try so hard to pull through and move on when I feel everything is just trying to kick me down again. All the time that witch sits on her thrown and enjoys the fruit of her toxic and poisonous work. Ever since she invaded my life I'm slowly seeing the world as a much darker place, and believing more in phrases such as, 'nice guys finish last'. I'm terrified my depression will come back.
What am I doing wrong?
