daughter-in-law with BPD not allowing us to see our grandson

[kmack]

I have been very encouraged and surprised reading this board.  I never knew there were so many others dealing with the same issues my husband and I have been going through.  We raised two sons, one of whom has psychological problems that we still are working with.  The other son married a beautiful, charming, super smart young woman last year and they had a baby in January.  Almost from the very beginning of their relationship she has found every opportunity to think ill of me even when I had done nothing to provoke it.  I know my weaknesses and the things that I have done wrong but there was never any malevolent intent on my part.  I encouraged them to get married, tried to help her make plans for their wedding, gave them a gorgeous wedding ring set with my own diamonds.  We actually thought this woman was a wonderful match for our son and would be a big help to him.  Every time she has been offended by something I've said or done, I have asked forgiveness and bent over backward to assure her of my love and support.  My son has a child (5 yr. old son) from a previous relationship and a son with his wife.  Because I have spent time with my first grandson (whom she calls a ass and second rate) I have been attacked and maligned.  When I try to text her or phone her or facebook her I have been cut off so there is no recourse at this point.  She has made sure my husband and I have not seen our new grandson for 3 months.  My son is being patient with her and trying to work with her.  He has even told her he is going to counseling and would like her to join him.  She's not very keen on this idea so I don't know when we will get to see our grandson again.  He is 5 months old and we've seen him twice.  

I have recently sought counsel from a professional Christian counselor and she said it sounded like my daughter-in-law had Borderline Personality Disorder.  She gave me some great advice and tools for working on our relationship.  I am practicing patience right now and I do feel compassion for her because if this is BPD then it is a hardwiring issue with the brain.  I understand this because of what weve gone through with my older son.  

Our relationship with the son who is married to BPD is in great shape.  We talk frequently and he has assured us that he is holding nothing against us and knows it is a problem with his wife.  He believes it is just immaturity and jealousy over the first child.  I hope he will wake up soon to what is really going on as it will aid him in dealing with her.

Our daughter-in-law has told me that when she puts her foot down, my son will do whatever she wants.  She has also stated that her son is better in every way than our first grandson.  She has also told my son (who is adopted) that we aren't his real parents, his birthmother (whom he never knew) is his real parent.  In her opinion, mothers-in-law never have a good relationship with their son's wife.  At first, I was puzzled as to where the animosity was coming from and tried to calm it down but just when things would seemingly be going well, she would find something else to attack me about.  At this point, she is not communicating with me at all even though I have tried to get through to her.

As I said, our first son had issues which we, even now, have to live with.  Maybe that's why this came out of the blue.  I so identify with one of your other posters that at the age of 61 I am going through this.  Thought that part of my life was done and I could drift through into old age.  Now I'm finding that my brain needs to be taught how to live with this.  Hope this old dog can learn new tricks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, knack & 

Wow... . you certainly came to the right place! There are many of us on this site who are dealing with pretty much the same things that you are... . In fact, except for the severity of your Daughter-In-Law's symptoms and behaviors, I've been dealing with lots of similar situations. My own older (non-married) son is the reason I found this site; he was diagnosed with BPD a year ago, at the age of 36. He's doing very well right now with the proper Therapies and medications, and the tools and techniques I learned here that helped me help him get the treatments he needed. Funny thing was, once I learned all about BPD here, and learned how to understand and relate to him better in order to improve our relationship, I applied that knowledge to my own understanding and dealings with my Daughter-In-Law (whom I now believe to be possibly undiagnosed BPD herself).

You say that your Therapist suggested some tools and advice to help you deal with your son's wife. I'd be so curious to know what they were... . On this site I've learned about Validation - Encouraging Peace in a BPD Family (52 minute video), the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth and Radical Acceptance for family members. These are the things I've put into practice which helped me within minutes (!) in "fixing" my relationship with my BPD son, and then over time have helped me attain a very friendly, peaceful relationship with my Daughter-In-Law. I tell a lot about that journey with her in this Workshop: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?.

Like you, my D-I-L not only threatened to not let my husband (both of my sons' father) and me see our only grandchild (while she was pregnant!), and did limit our visitations with the baby to very few once born--similar to your situation right now. After learning more about BPD, and how her mind worked, and all the communication tools and techniques I linked to above, after almost one year we've been able to now visit with them and see our grandchild regularly and happily. It was a long road to this point (they've been married almost 10 years, and the troubles started right after they got married), with me not understanding what had hit us when her rages and No Contact began so many years ago. In fact, we'd been in a state of turmoil with her, and by extension our son who was trying to navigate her feelings and moods, until just last summer when I was able to defuse the situation with what I learned here.

I feel for you; I've gone through all of the frustration, anger, sadness, pain and feelings of wanting to just give it up to get it all over with. I'm so very happy that I've been able to learn how to not to push her buttons anymore, and how to Radically Accept that this was not the relationship I'd ever expected from a D-I-L, or dreamed of, and that it's still OK. It is what it is, and though (as the mother of only sons) I'd thought that this beautiful, charismatic, charming woman (who we'd also thought was the best thing to ever happen to our son) was going to be the daughter I'd never had, this is not to be. It makes me sad, but I've given it to the Universe and I love her now for who she is.

It's so wonderful that your relationship with that son is good, and I wish you well with your troubles with your other son. I spend my time on the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD Board, and I'd bet that the parents who post on that Board could commiserate with you and give you the insights you are looking for. We discuss our disordered children (and lots of us have adult children over there), our other children and their spouses (and lots of us have BPD daughters- and sons-in-law). You have a great attitude, and a good heart, and I know you will find comfort and advice here, kmack 

[cosmonaut]

Hi kmack.     I join Rapt Reader in welcoming you to bpdfamily   

I am really sorry to hear about your daughter-in-law.  It is so painful when we make every effort to love and support our BPD loved ones only to be attacked and hurt for it.  This is, sadly, a rather common experience with people with BPD.  Please know that you are not at all alone - everyone here can understand.  We have all been there and know how challenging and even heartbreaking these relationships can be. 

Rapt Reader has provided some great information to get you started.  Since our loved ones with BPD often have difficulty in being able to change their behavior, often the best way to improve the relationship is to begin to learn the toolset for better communicating with our loved one.  These are specialized tools that are not intuitive and need to be learned and practiced.  These tools will enable you to better communicate with your daughter-in-law and to help to defuse her when she is triggered.  Rapt Reader already introduced you to validation, and that is one of the most powerful tools we have.  I can't stress enough how important validation is.  People with BPD are unusually sensitive to invalidation.  Validation often has a very soothing effect on people with BPD.  Give it a shot with your daughter-in-law.  I expect it will help.  I would also recommend that you take a look at S.E.T. which is a method of more effectively communicating with our BPD loved one.

I'm glad you are here, kmack.  This forum has been a tremendous support for me during my own BPD relationship, and I have learned a great deal here too.  I hope you will post in our [L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board.  The members there are all dealing with situations similar to yours and would be delighted to support you.  You are not alone.  We're here for you.   

[kmack]

Thanks so much for your encouraging words.  I did learn about SET from the counselor and also validation.  The trick apparently is to accept that the BPD has a right to their feelings, even if you don't agree.  You can mirror their own words back to them.  I'm still a little shaky on how to reach out to her right now as every door has been closed.  So not sure how to put into practice these tools when there is no communication at all.  Any thoughts on specific things to do and also maybe you could share some practical applications in your own situations.  Thanks!

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, kmack 

That's great that you've learned about S.E.T. and Validation, and you are right about accepting that though you may not agree with them, our BPD loved one does have a right to their feelings; mirroring their words back to them is a good way to #1. Ascertain that you are "getting it" right about how they feel and what they think, and #2. Show them the Validation and Empathy that they need and can de-escalate the situation.

Since you are having to deal with her imposition of No Contact for now, does that include email or snail mail? I ask this, because several of us on this site--including me--have benefitted from using this "letter" from Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" book. It's found on page 331, and she calls it an "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration":

I never knew how much pain you were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

I've actually sent this exact letter in an email, with my Daughter-In-Law's name here and there, with some specific S.E.T. mentions of a few of her grievances before the statement. I didn't go into all of them, but pinpointed the ones that I knew were at the crux of her angst. Then I acknowledged how she felt about each matter, told her that if I looked at it the way she did--or if I thought someone was doing that to me--I would feel the same way that she did. And then I mentioned the truth of the situation, not using the words "but" or "however" (which can be tricky; I had to be inventive   ).

The first time I sent this type of email with this statement above (in bold here), it was to both my son and my D-I-L because he was supporting her No Contact and threats of not letting us see their child once he was born. After that 1st email, my son came around and began communicating with us again, in a very good way. A few months later, I sent the above statement (exactly as written, with her name here and there to personalize it), with S.E.T. for her grievances. At that time, she softened and even became warm with us, and things have been very good ever since. That story and what I was dealing with is in that Workshop about Empathy that I linked to in my first post to you, above. I think it could help you to read that, kmack. Can you let us know more about how things are going, and what you were thinking of doing about it? We'd love to help you 

[kmack]

Thank you for the suggestion of an email but she doesn't have an email address; at least one that I know of and my son, who is on good terms with us, has asked me specifically not to communicate with her.  He knows she is having some "issues" but doesn't believe they are BPD because she seems to be a high functioning BPD.  I've been reading Stop Walking On Eggshells and have learned a lot from it.  I appreciate all the acronyms for things that might help the situation but this old dog isn't learning too many new tricks anymore or just can't remember them, especially in the middle of some of the meltdowns.

Someone close to our family saw I was reading the book and decided to tell my DIL so now she's doubly angry with me because she thinks I think she is crazy.  My son has helped her see they need some counseling so they are going to their pastor about the situation.  I'm hoping calmer heads than mine will prevail.  In the meantime, I am praying and remember to think of her with compassion and mercy.  I know I have done some things that set her off but they were unwittingly done and I did try to make amends.  Every time the relationship seemed to be getting back on track she would find something else that I had done and blow up at me.  I, stupidly, tried to confront her about her anger and yelling at me because I don't believe she should be showing that level of disrespect.  That went over like a lead balloon as you can expect.  Of course, this was all before I started thinking of her as BPD. 

I totally believe God is in control of all things and when the time is right, I will have a chance to talk to her again.  Until then, patience is a virtue.