Waif Mom Again...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I called her last night to tell her I was coming up tomorrow with the kids. We were going to go swimming, and she was welcome to come down and hang out with me and the kids, after which I would take them all to a buffet. She launched into yet another story that I wouldn't believe it it weren't my mom.

I've mentioned that she is a hoarder, and she exhibits this trait towards animals as well. One of her Chihuahuas , which she's had for 7 years since he was born, turned up missing. Living in the woods, replete with "critters" like racoons, foxes, bobcats, mountain lions, coyotes and even the occasional bear, she was worried that he was taken. So she got into her old 4x4 truck and decided to go driving the nearby rural roads, putting the word out to neighbors and to look for him (here I just got an image of Liam Neesom going special forces on the forest animals).

She drove back on some roads which I haven't been on in 25 years. Though the area is populated a bit, there are a lot of dead ends and unmapped roads which back up to uninhabited government land. The day began to end, and she got worried. She drove down a narrow road, which she described as more of a driveway that was about 6 ft wide. She tried to turn the truck around, and got high centered on a dirt berm, stuck. I've tried to show her how to use the four wheel drive, as it was my truck before I gave it to her, but she somehow never understood how to operate it. It's an older truck, with a separate shifter for the front axle, not a push button as on modern vehicles.

She was stuck, and started walking out. After 1.5 miles, she said, she was dead tired and came upon a house. She got a ride home from them. Calling a local towing service, she was able to get someone out late at night (small town, good people). The driver and she went looking for the truck, but she couldn't remember where it was. They drove for over an hour on abandoned and deserted dirt roads in the pitch blackness that only those who don't live in the city know.

They were about to give up, when the driver spied another road they hadn't gone down. They explored it, and about to give up for a second time, my mom said, "wait, what is that?" It was the beams of the tow truck reflecting off the chrome bumper of an otherwise all black truck, hers. The driver surveyed the situation, and getting into the truck, was able to easily pull it out by shifting it into four wheel drive. Refusing any compensation, "I didn't actually tow you," he said, she was able to return home to her collapsing cabin.

She said the, however, that she lost her wallet and had no idea where it was, and that she had been looking all day, having gone to the store to ask even. (I hope she doesn't go back down that road looking, though I doubt she could find it again.)

It's incidents like this that make me more anxious of the impending day when I will have to take care of her somehow, though she swears she will "die on the mountain." In the past 10 years, she fell and shattered her ankle, fell and fractured ribs, and fell another time and fractured a vertabrae, which pained her for two years until it healed, and still bothers her I think.

I don't know how much of this relates to her BPD traits, or how much is just she being an old, stubborn, independent "broad" as she would say. I certainly don't want her living with me (neither does she), with me having to already take care of DS4, DD2, and to an extent, D32. Taking care of DM72 may be approaching faster than I think... .

[Turkish]

I called her last night to tell her I was coming up tomorrow with the kids. We were going to go swimming, and she was welcome to come down and hang out with me and the kids, after which I would take them all to a buffet. She launched into yet another story that I wouldn't believe it it weren't my mom.

I've mentioned that she is a hoarder, and she exhibits this trait towards animals as well. One of her Chihuahuas , which she's had for 7 years since he was born, turned up missing. Living in the woods, replete with "critters" like racoons, foxes, bobcats, mountain lions, coyotes and even the occasional bear, she was worried that he was taken. So she got into her old 4x4 truck and decided to go driving the nearby rural roads, putting the word out to neighbors and to look for him (here I just got an image of Liam Neesom going special forces on the forest animals).

She drove back on some roads which I haven't been on in 25 years. Though the area is populated a bit, there are a lot of dead ends and unmapped roads which back up to uninhabited government land. The day began to end, and she got worried. She drove down a narrow road, which she described as more of a driveway that was about 6 ft wide. She tried to turn the truck around, and got high centered on a dirt berm, stuck. I've tried to show her how to use the four wheel drive, as it was my truck before I gave it to her, but she somehow never understood how to operate it. It's an older truck, with a separate shifter for the front axle, not a push button as on modern vehicles.

She was stuck, and started walking out. After 1.5 miles, she said, she was dead tired and came upon a house. She got a ride home from them. Calling a local towing service, she was able to get someone out late at night (small town, good people). The driver and she went looking for the truck, but she couldn't remember where it was. They drove for over an hour on abandoned and deserted dirt roads in the pitch blackness that only those who don't live in the city know.

They were about to give up, when the driver spied another road they hadn't gone down. They explored it, and about to give up for a second time, my mom said, "wait, what is that?" It was the beams of the tow truck reflecting off the chrome bumper of an otherwise all black truck, hers. The driver surveyed the situation, and getting into the truck, was able to easily pull it out by shifting it into four wheel drive. Refusing any compensation, "I didn't actually tow you," he said, she was able to return home to her collapsing cabin.

She said the, however, that she lost her wallet and had no idea where it was, and that she had been looking all day, having gone to the store to ask even. (I hope she doesn't go back down that road looking, though I doubt she could find it again.)

It's incidents like this that make me more anxious of the impending day when I will have to take care of her somehow, though she swears she will "die on the mountain." In the past 10 years, she fell and shattered her ankle, fell and fractured ribs, and fell another time and fractured a vertabrae, which pained her for two years until it healed, and still bothers her I think.

I don't know how much of this relates to her BPD traits, or how much is just she being an old, stubborn, independent "broad" as she would say. I certainly don't want her living with me (neither does she), with me having to already take care of DS4, DD2, and to an extent, D32. Taking care of DM72 may be approaching faster than I think... .

[Kwamina]

Hi Turkish,

I can relate to your feelings of anxiety. This waif like behavior is very annoying and often causes a lot of stress in the children of BPD parents. You can never tell for certain of course, but I'd say that being stubborn and highly inflexible can also definitely be classified as an aspect of BPD. My own BPD mother tends to make some “unwise” decisions too like not eating and not taking her medication along while she knows very well that she has certain health issues. The thing with my mother is that these health issues are directly linked to the stress she causes herself by her own BPD behavior and not taking good care of herself (not eating, not sleeping or resting enough). I'm glad that nothing happened to your mother because it does sound a bit dangerous driving and walking  around like that. When I first learned about BPD I thought the Witch mother was the worst one of them all but later on I realized just how damaging the Waif mother is. The waif always has you worried that something might happen to them and as a result everything is about them. The waif often seems vulnerable, innocent and sweet to outsiders but when you've really experienced her you know better. When I look at my own mother what's difficult sometimes is that she doesn't always act like a waif on purpose, she can't handle stress and gets anxious and scared easily. Sometimes she then decides to lash out to deal with the stress but at other times she really gets scared and doesn't know what to do. Either way, we as children get stressed out too.

[slayer]

All I can do is laugh.  My dBPD family member has similar "adventures."  I've also heard them say they won't need to be taken care of when they get older because they have their own version of "die on the mountain" that they've been relating to everyone for years and years.

In my case I have a combination waif/witch (usually in that order).  Had that same experience happened to my family member there would be one key difference.  In your story she lost her wallet.  In my family member's story that would have turned into the following:

The tow truck guy stole my wallet.

I hate that GD MFing tow truck guy.

Multiple telephone calls to friends and family members to relate the story and relate how much of a demon the tow truck guy is.

I called the tow truck guy and cussed him out.

The tow truck guy says he didn't steal my wallet but I know he did so I called back and cussed him out again.

I'm going to the tow truck guy's house and... . (empty threats).

It can be exhausting can't it?  In my case the family member is constantly getting themselves in situations like these and in most cases there's an easy solution but in their mind the problem becomes this overpowering behemoth.  At times my life feels like never ending damage control.

The waif often seems vulnerable, innocent and sweet to outsiders but when you've really experienced her you know better.

This is so much the case.  Ours will go to public places and talk to strangers to gain sympathy.  I can't tell you how many times I've silently thought "if you only knew" when I see them sympathy fishing in public.

[losthero]

Dear Turkish, I read your post and could't help but relate to your plight.   The stress and worry the waif BPD does to us is overwhelming.  I have come to believe with my own mother that much of her behavior is attention seeking.   I have come to resent how my mother makes me worry about her all the time.  She feels that she has to do things that constantly draw my attention to her. She resents that I have to give some of my attention to my family and work or friends.  When i try to tell her that she causes me stress or worry she says "well I don't mean to, I just thought you should know.  I dont have anyone else to talk to! ".  FOG!  What to do? She is your mom, and you obviously care about her, but I understand your fear of the all consuming self sacrificing thought of caring for her someday.  Waif mothers have spent their entire lives wearing you down mentally and emotionally and the very real thought of possibly having a breakdown yourself if/when faced with total care for her happens is very scary.   I tried to move my mom in with us when my dad died. She was OVERWHELMING! She acted sick, helpless, angry, sad and very resentful if my young children had needs of their own that took the attention off of her.  I personally, as long as I have minor children in the house will never move her in with us again.  I have had to make that clear to her.  Point blank told her.  (Trying to set a boundry). She is very resentful of what I told her and still tells me stories about what a very, very dangerous world she lives in and how everyday she is lucky she didnt get killed or raped that day since she lives alone. Again FOG.     .  I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in dealing with the waif BPD and share what I have tried good /or bad.

[Turkish]

When I and the kids were swimming yesterday, my mom was telling the story to my friend (like a brother I have known since we were teens, so he knows my mother well). One part she forgot to.tell me was that she failed to follow the tow truck driver out and thus got lost again. So she had to stop and knock on several (?) neighbor's doors to ask for directions back to the main road.

This prompted me to remember what she told me,.in that she first called the sherriff's department for help. They told her that they didn't have the staffing to help her go look. She went on to me complaining that we paid taxes, and what about that "protect and serve" motto they had. Kind of like what you said, slayer, though not as bad (I don't recall her using any swear words). This was always in her, but with her mind getting older, it's getting worse. At least she was ok with the kids,.only one self deprecating comment in front of them...

[lucyhoneychurch]

Turk   

Okay... . well... . you know... . we can ALL suck people into our vortex... . we *all* have issues that might manage to include every last human contact we've ever had... . then again - most of us rely on common sense, "Is it really that bad, how might I help myself, come on, get with it" approach... .

Waif mothers - I really don't know which is worse - the obvious glaring witch or the waif... . I might say... . the waif as she tugs on our heartstrings that much more... . seems to envelop others in the "but she's your MOM!" subterfuge.

I've had every reason to engulf and smother my adult children in the "but what will I do if you don't x y and z?" mentality.

Someone with a fairly keen sense of self and dignity just doesn't go there.

Living in a place with many roads that sound just like this locale... . and with some unsavory folks out there - she is lucky/fortunate that the tow driver was so accomodating and kind... .

What I'd say to you is... . let her roam... . let her get herself into pinches... . you were not born on this earth to save a 72 year-old child - because she is NOT a child.

If I got the ages of the kids right ... .

You'll have to forgive me - my youngest just did the high school grad march, long time coming, all systems go 

Sunny day both outside and in my head... . she is off to college this fall... . even fell under the spell of my alma mater's drama dept despite the "you want me to go there just because YOU did" debate about 9 months ago... . as the Bard said, "All's well that ends well."

Same for your mother's somewhat scary trek in the truck.

Parts of my state have "roads" with the middle higher than the tracks too.

Driver beware   

Waif mom... . you don't have to go there