sensitive topic

[antjs]

this is so blunt and it took my some courage to decide to write about it.


for those who do not know my story. It is done, i am permanently split black, i have been in NC for more than 2 months now, really over her, rarely miss or think about her. but the problem is... .


every single time i masturbate i feel down afterwards. I try to focus during doing the thing on a porn movie but when i am about to climax i just replay one of the snapshots of sex with her. every single time it happens i keep away from masturbating for a week or two and then i try again and BOOM... . down

my question is: when shall this go away ?

[Dolly rocker]

Two months is still "fresh" in my opinion.

When we experience a very intense relationship like we do with pwBPD, it's only natural to feel this way.

I haven't felt in the mood since we broke up for good in January.

Give urself some time to really let go of her.

I honestly think we need a year to start being ourselves again.

Hugs

[antjs]

Two months is still "fresh" in my opinion.

When we experience a very intense relationship like we do with pwBPD, it's only natural to feel this way.

I haven't felt in the mood since we broke up for good in January.

Give urself some time to really let go of her.

I honestly think we need a year to start being ourselves again.

Hugs

The whole thing with her only lasted 6 weeks. I figured her out so soon.

[LettingGo14]

AJ -- i'm not a clinician, but I'd call attention to the "feeling" rather than linking the "feeling" to the "act."    Here's how I'm thinking about thoughts, acts, and feelings now:

1.  Certain thoughts -- for example, sex -- may trigger emotions, which then combine with memories of times with my ex-girlfriend, which trigger more thoughts, which trigger more emotions.

2. Thoughts, emotions, and acts can stand independently of meaning, unless we assign meaning, or unconsciously relate meaning to each.  

3.  It's good to pay attention to how we might link thoughts, emotions, and acts.

My biggest lessons are coming through the idea that we need to "feel the feeling, and lose the story."    Right now, perhaps, you are linking masturbation to feelings of down.  But, you can ask -- is that true?  What might that tell you, if anything?  Can you feel the feeling without repressing?  Can you hold the emotion for a while and work through it?

[BacknthSaddle]

3.  It's good to pay attention to how we might link thoughts, emotions, and acts.

This is crucial I think. 

Regardless of how long your relationship lasted, I would agree that 1) 2 months is still fresh and 2) this problem will resolve eventually.  Putting a timetable on it is difficult, and I suspect it will be the kind of situation where the distress gradually fades away until one day you realize that you haven't experienced it for awhile.

When I first split with my ex, I lost much of my sexual desire for a good period of time. It came back.  I still think about her at times when I masturbate, but knowing more about the nature of her personality and her relationships has allowed me to separate these thoughts from the waves of emotion they used to produce. 

I would say that separating the physical from the emotional has always been a challenge for me, and that while I would never want to swing so far as to divorce them entirely (certainly few would regard that as healthy), I probably tended to swing too far in the other direction.  I am trying to achieve balance there as well.  Just another way in which this whole mess has been a learning experience. 

[antjs]

Thanks guys

Points to clear the situation:

1- i am really over her

2- i learned to feel the feeling rather than repressing it the hard way and i let my feelings flow

3-i dont think about her that often now and when i do i dont get affected (desensitized) and no this is not repressing the feeling. Actually i indulged the depression when it kicked in during the first couple of weeks.

4- it just happens after masturbation.

[antjs]

But thats exactly my question why do i link the feeling to the action ? Are they linked as a fact ?

[Red Sky]

Actually Antony, feeling depressed after sex is something that has been medically recognised. As far as I know the usual advice is to sort whatever underlying issues are there. Even if you're desensitised to the negative feelings it doesn't necessarily mean you're 100% over the relationship, at least in my experience. So maybe just give it more time?

[antjs]

Yes of course giving it time is the way to go as every other aspect of getting over the disorder and her. But i just want to know the dynamics and the link between the feeling and the act.

I recall that it happened to me after other normal break ups (to think about exs while masturbating) but there were no negative feelings afterwards.

[jibber]

Since it's a sensitive topic... . The following is my very own, personal opinion.

I think it's very normal. I think about her sometimes, about passionate moments we shared, not every part of the relationship was bad... . Surprisingly we never had problems in the bedroom. So i see it as normal to keep those memories.

I found that most people share a lot of similarities in "our basic needs and ways".

Probably a lot of people think about past sexual acts with their ex's sometimes.

Not touching the subject of if it's positive or negative... . I'm just trying to say it's a pretty normal thing to do.