She's finally leavin'

[Vatz]

She's getting her things together, and is serious on leaving my place. That bit's a relief. The last few months or however long it was, felt like a blur. We argued, there was recycling and so forth. But I think she finally decided it was done. Part of me is glad. I guess she had enough of me being so disconnected from her and our relationship. Can't say I blame her.

I told her off the other night. I kinda didn't hold much back. After all the instances of what *I* should have done to make the relationship work, I broke down. The last year I stopped doting on her. She noticed. After a while, I was constantly anxious around her. When I came home, or when morning came, I never knew just who I'd be talking to. There was often some reason or another to be angry at me, to yell, or generally be short and ornery. When there were "big issues," I always had to step up. Move out of my folks, do this, do that, go to couples counseling. We went. But we went to MY therapist for it. She didn't like it because she believed the focus was on me.

I was quick to offer solutions, compromises but it was never good enough. Now, I really do feel as if I'm not good enough.

Still though, it's the shock. When you're around someone for so long... .

Feeling rather depressed about the whole thing. Want to cry. Sorry, I try not to post too many threads. Gym's closed, and I can't go til morning. It's rather hard to admit this, but I feel very lonely right now.

[Red Sky]

You did your best to make it work. It sounds like it was taking a huge toll, though, and regardless of who ended it, it's likely not a bad thing. You say yourself that you've ended up feeling not good enough and it's obvious that you know that it isn't your fault.

Have a hug. Have all the warm fuzzies I can send. 

If I want to move and it's too late to go to the gym, I usually put on music and dance, by myself, as wildly and stupidly as possible.

[corraline]

Hey Vatz

im sorry that you are feeling so lonely. Its heartbreaking . You work so hard ... . you give it more than your all... . it never feels enough.

i started losing it and disconnecting in the end too.  i just couldn't keep it together and tolerate it any more.  I had to save myself but the thought of never being with him again broke my heart. I was so conflicted.

Is she leaving soon?  do you have someone to call on ?  there is nothing wrong with posting alot of threads.  it is very therapeutic to talk it out and we are here to listen and support you !

you are good enough vatz

here is a big cyberhug   

[Vatz]

Thanks a bunch, folks.

I *did* do what I could for the relationship. It's much appreciated and reassuring to be told that I did actually put in the hard work.

My T says the same thing.

But like you guys say it's conflicting. I guess it's that "being alone" bit.

@Red:

Yeah, that feeling is pretty bad. I have a theory (probably not an original one, though) that in blaming oneself, there's a feeling of control. That perhaps something more could have been done. Done by YOU (that is *me* in this case.) But... . doesn't work that way.

@Corraline:

That conflicting feeling is just the worst, isn't it? You say to yourself "it's for the best, REALLY." But it doesn't quite *feel* that way. I'm sorry you had to deal with that sort of confusion.


I wonder though. Sometimes I ask myself if my perception of events wasn't exactly real. I sort of doubt my own memories of how things went down. Was it really that bad on a daily basis? I remember the big stuff. But, the little things throughout the days... .

Now I'm remembering the nice little things. That's I think what makes it so hard.

[corraline]

vatz

I wonder though. Sometimes I ask myself if my perception of events wasn't exactly real. I sort of doubt my own memories of how things went down. Was it really that bad on a daily basis? I remember the big stuff. But, the little things throughout the days... .

Now I'm remembering the nice little things. That's I think what makes it so hard.


yup, been there done that many many times. frightened that i made a mistake by not re engaging . remembering the good times, missing them terribly, missing him terribly, wondering if it was all that bad.  thinking that i am a half empty cup kinda gal and i am only focusing on the bad stuff.  ugh.

reality is, i just couldnt manage taking care of myself and function in a healthy way when i was in the relationship. thats just how it was.  i wasn't good for him either.

i have decided to stand firm in my decision to take care of me and be on my own

there is nothing to lose in that.

(sorry, i have to figure out this quote thingy)

[Red Sky]

I think your theory is interesting... . I've not really thought of it like that. But it makes sense. For you or me, we are usually reacting to things in a fairly logical manner. I think with BPD that logic is not necessarily there, and maybe your brain can't process that what you are being told doesn't necessarily come from the logical standpoint you would take. If you said 'you have hurt me' to someone, you would have come by this emotion probably through some reasonable evaluation of their words/actions, so when someone says it to you, then your gut feeling is that you MUST have said something which could reasonably offend them?

I always had faith the pat my words and my reassurance could make a difference, too. But dealing with a mental illness isn't like just cheering someone up, or supporting them through a difficult time in their life... .

I can relate to struggling with the good things too. It's never all bad, or relationships wouldn't last long. We will be here for you to post as much as you like. I'm kind of suffering withdrawal from a lot of my usual social media things at the moment so I'll join you in ALL THE POSTS.  

[Vatz]

On another note, after all this. I'm wondering if any sort of normal relationship is in the cards. I'm gonna be 27 soon and... . I want to start a family and spend my days with someone who keeps me company. Who'd laugh with me and all that. Seems so far away. I thought I had it with her. But there was too much anxiety, too much worry.

Maybe it's my current state of mind but I'm not hopeful about the future. People my age are already getting married, having kids. I'm left out in so many ways.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Vatz, Go easy on yourself!  You've made a big step forward by deciding to part ways w/your BPD Ex.  Of course you're going to feel lonely and hurt and that's OK.  Suggest that you allow yourself to experience the feelings.  You're not left out at 27, and there is no particular timetable for marriage, children, etc.  When the time is right and the right one comes along, you will know it.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[Vatz]

Thanks, Jim.

I'm hoping you're right about the marriage/kids thing. Normal relationships scare me. Every woman wants diamonds, a tall guy, and a whole checklist of qualities and things that I don't/can't ever have. I feel left behind because I'm just literally not up to par with others.

Still, hoping your right.

[Red Sky]

In a word: YES. No reason why you shouldn't.

I may be the eternal optimist when it comes to romance. But I think that most people feel kinda like that after a breakup. Wondering if they'll find someone. You sound like you don't have a lot of happy thoughts about yourself and I'm guessing that your self esteem has taken a bashing through this relationship. I reckon that once your self esteem improves, and you gain some distance from the relationship, you'll see that there is absolutely no reason why you can't have a great relationship.

Also, I have never chosen a man based on his height or his money and I'm pretty sure there are plenty of other women who wouldn't. 

[Blimblam]

just be glad you made it here so soon! seriously though.  People that havn't been through it just don't seem to understand. It is almost as if the abuse continues as people invalidate you afterwards. people told me often but the reality is just starting to sink in of dodging a bullet! there is people that have to share custody of children with these people!

It can be extremely confusing trying to understand what was real and who you are anymore. And getting some sense of closure from the person. 

You are in a good place being here.

[Vatz]

Still hard to see myself as desirable in any way, BUT, I still appreciate the words, Red. Difficult as it may be, I kinda want to believe that I'll find someone with whom I'd have a mutual physical attraction, "mutual" being the thing I emphasize, it has to work both ways. But my standards aren't particularly strict either way-not that I'm aware. I'm short, and wasn't insecure about it until only maybe 3 years ago when I started looked at all the statistics and surveys and so forth. I always look for a rational and concrete reason for why things don't work.

Blim, to tell you the truth, I don't feel like I even need closure. If one day she just up and disappeared without a word or warning, I'd be okay. I'd wait for a little while, then move on. Being abandoned isn't all that terrifying to me. It's happened but it wasn't under the most serious of things and it... . it was fine. In terms of closure, I can only admit that I certainly had my hand in some emotional neglect, and I could blame her all I want, but I *could* have done better *at times.* That is not to say I did poorly. I gave chances after both physical and emotional infidelity (with "people make mistakes" in mind,) I often tried to talk things out when emotions started to fly. Tried to see her side, validated her feelings and thoughts. I showed kindness. But most of all, I believed her when she said "I want to change." In the end, it was never going to be good enough.

Right now I'm visiting my folks and working, but I'm afraid that when I go home, I'll want to recycle. No, I'll FEEL like recycling even though I KNOW it wouldn't work out. Still, I'm afraid that I'll try to get her back even though it'd just end in disaster. Once again, thanks everybody for taking the time.

[Johnny Alias]

Been there.  You're emotionally wiped out due to all the abuse, gaslighting, fake apologies, and half-hearted attempts at correcting her behavior... .

And they wonder why we begin to walk around like zombies... . .  We don't want to worship, make love to, or cater to their every whim.  Sometimes we still do, but the energy is gone.  This is an absolutely draining process... .

One thing you'll find is that your energy will come back, but she'll be gone.  The urge to reconcile with her and recycle AGAIN will be overwhelming.  You're in the early stages of withdrawl.  Any sense of relief will be replaced by the longing and it will be STRONG.  Prepare for it.  See a therapist.  Take any meds they recommend and ask if you should.  Find one or two friends that you can call on a regular basis because you'll need it. 

Block her in every way imaginable.  No need to tempt yourself.  Phone, fb, texts, and don't tell me it can't be done in this day and age.  It's easy.  Again, no need to tempt yourself being seeing your drug since you're an addict.  Tell mutual friends you don't want to hear about her.  Don't look at the newsfeed for a while as you'll see mutual friends post pics of her.  Don't do it. 

Steel yourself.  This is gonna be a hard road but you'll come out stronger.  Work out everyday.  Get ripped.  It will make you feel good inside and out and you'll look great for when you're ready to date again.  Post on the boards a ton. 

Dude... . relax.  You're 27.  It's gonna happen.  I'm 38.  A friend of mine who just broke up with a BPD is 48!  We have a different timetable.  Just be glad you didn't lose EVERYTHING.  Many on here have.   

[Red Sky]

I suspect the feeling that you are unattractive will diminish over time too. You're probably completely emotionally drained. I spent a long time in an abusive relationship feeling like it was a miracle anyone wanted to go out with me at all. Despite the fact that my then-partner's friends always teased him about having a girlfriend 'way out of his league'... .

It's early days yet though. Like Johnny says, you WILL bounce back. Have faith in the fact that you won't feel like this forever.

[Vatz]

So she's officially getting out the 1st of next month. Until then, I have to keep busy.

I actually just got back home today from work. I was so happy to see my dog. She came in later. Seeing her just makes me sad. But I have to keep remembering that it's just nostalgia and it was her decision to walk out on me. If she "changes her mind," I just have to remind myself of all the things that weren't right. But my heart's still racing. It stings.