It just doesn't stop

[Take2]

So, I finally detached from my ex-uBPD-bf who is also a coworker - for anyone whose read any of my posts, you'll know that it's been a very long journey for me.  Very up and down and all around.  Without being able to truly go NC, I found myself getting suck in over and over.  And found myself trying to suck HIM back in over and over.  For so long I couldn't remember what was normal anymore... .    but the last couple months have been remarkably better.  I've done the therapy, I've done the research and reading... .   I take the antidepressants (and now that I am on the right one, it's had a huge impact on me).  So even as I find myself in a pretty strong place, I found out this week that the ride will NOT stop as long as there is ANY contact between the ex and myself... .     last week we wound up talking and even went to lunch a couple times and it was kind and nice again.  "Just like old times".   By Friday, out of the blue (seemingly), his anger returned... .   we didn't talk all weekend.  By Monday - he was back to OFF the charts Bat-___-crazy.  All day Monday.  All day Tuesday.  I was able to not be the massive crying mess at work like in the past, but the threats to destroy my home life and my work life were as scary as they've ever been.  I have been up since 2:50am last night because of the stress.  Terrible stomach pains today.   My last words to him (via text) today were Do Not Contact me ever again, do not contact my family, do not ever threaten me again, etc etc etc.

Everything I know needs to be said to protect myself in case at some point I need to get a restraining order.

And believe me, that would be a LAST resort option bc my ex would FLIPPPP the F out if I got one on him.

I am very afraid of him.  I am so exhausted from stress and lack of sleep.  It's sad and so difficult to see again that this IS truly a very disturbed man.  The threats and hate coming from him never stop blowingmy mind when he loses control like this... .     I am sharing this for anyone reading who thinks that maybe things can go back to normal or before... . maybe fleetingly they can... .   but it will never truly get better. 

Not in my experience.   

[cosmonaut]

That's concerning you are so scared, Take2.  Please look out for yourself.  If you need help, don't hesitate to call the police.  Be safe.   

I'm so sorry about the roller coaster you have been on.  No wonder you feel  exhausted.  The push/pull dance can be absolutely maddening can't it?  The quickness with which it can switch is amazing.  And heartbreaking.  Try and be extra good to yourself right now.  Nurture you.  Heal you.  You have been through a terrible experience.  I know how much it can hurt.  Hang in there.  We'll all get through this.   

[AwakenedOne]

Hi Take2,

So sorry your going through all this stressful stuff with him. Your stress level must be off the charts. Try to have some relaxing moments and do something you like to do to unwind or forget him even for a short while. Be safe.

I'm sending out some peace vibes your way,

AO

[Take2]

Thank you guys so much for responding... .   I actually slept through the night last night which is always a huge help in facing any situation.  I work from home on Wednesdays so I didn't even see him yesterday but I'll be back in the office today.  It was all quiet the rest of the day yesterday.  His immediate perceived threat is a peer of mine that comes to town once a month and because I did previously talk to that guy on a regular basis (I had to, I worked directly with the guy) - my ex continues to insist that there is an affair going on (never ever remotely).  The ex has done it with almost every man at the office but this one in particular seems to have blown up in his head as a massive enemy.  I don't work directly with the guy any more so I rarely if ever speak to him anymore.  I can't communicate with most of the men in the office for fear of what my ex will think or do.  This is all completely made up in my ex's head.  Anyway - I think the immediate threats are over.

I hope.  I'm off several days next week so that is good timing for me. 

The truly concerning thing is that where in the past when he went "off" there were precipitating events - ie, his dad had a stroke, or some other event or stressor that caused it.  Now it not only escalates in his level of rage each time, he creates stressors or delusions in his head that are not occuring at all.  Or he just relies on things that occurred a year or 2 or 3 or 4 ago to truly rage about. 

I obviously used to do the wrong thing for so long by wanting to stay in contact with him - I was FINALLY able to stop that role of mine two months ago and have truly been SO much stronger.  I truly see that even if it's him reaching about as if he's "normal" again, I can't interact on any level with him. 

Thanks again guys... .   here's hoping for a quiet day with no one whispering in my ear that they are going to destroy me (which is frankly much scarier than that being yelled).

[Narellan]

"Thanks again guys... .   here's hoping for a quiet day with no one whispering in my ear that they are going to destroy me (which is frankly much scarier than that being yelled)."

I can imagine your fear. That sends chills down my spine. I didn't ever fear my exBPD when I was with him under his spell. He never raged. But since the split he's been erratic and unpredictable, even abusing my sister via FB last week. I have a fear factor going on now too.

I'm anticipating a recycle at some stage and frankly I'm quite scared of  him now. I didn't know how scared until last week my son came home late one night unexpectedly, walked through the front door quietly in the dark and I screamed this murderous scream and froze. Every hair on my arms was standing up and I almost threw up. Extremely bad reaction to what I thought was my exBPD coming in.

It probably is not helping matters that I'm currently watching dexter series

But a few things in the back of my mind have crept back to mind, for example one day exBPD made a joke about cutting my throat to get rid of me. It was while we were laughing and mucking around, and in the context at the time it didn't phase me. But now it does. It just keeps popping in there along with " who the hell was this guy really?"

Stay safe xx please always be on guard. And don't let him near enough to be whispering anything to you. Set boundaries. Be boring. NC. Robot like reactions. Avoid him like the plague.

You are doing well detaching from this. 

[heartandwhole]

I am very afraid of him.  I am so exhausted from stress and lack of sleep.  It's sad and so difficult to see again that this IS truly a very disturbed man.  The threats and hate coming from him never stop blowingmy mind when he loses control like this... .    I am sharing this for anyone reading who thinks that maybe things can go back to normal or before... . maybe fleetingly they can... .  but it will never truly get better.  

Not in my experience.  

Hi Take2,

I'm so glad that you are taking steps to protect yourself, and putting your needs first.  Local domestic hotline/crisis centers often have valuable info. and advice for people, and checking in before anything happens can be great resources.  Have you thought about checking that out?

Also, we have a great planning tool called Safety First that many find really helpful.

It can be so hard to accept the end of the dream that some kind of relationship can be sustained.  Be kind and gentle to yourself.  You are growing by leaps and bounds.

heartandwhole

[Take2]

I'm anticipating a recycle at some stage and frankly I'm quite scared of  him now. I didn't know how scared until last week my son came home late one night unexpectedly, walked through the front door quietly in the dark and I screamed this murderous scream and froze. Every hair on my arms was standing up and I almost threw up. Extremely bad reaction to what I thought was my exBPD coming in.

It probably is not helping matters that I'm currently watching dexter series

But a few things in the back of my mind have crept back to mind, for example one day exBPD made a joke about cutting my throat to get rid of me. It was while we were laughing and mucking around, and in the context at the time it didn't phase me. But now it does. It just keeps popping in there along with " who the hell was this guy really?"

I know exactly what you mean Narellan... .   the wondering who the hell he is... .   and you know, when I told my ex that he reminded me Dexter, he said that I was the THIRD person to tell him that... .   that's so disturbing.  Not nearly as disturbing as his behavior !  but I just wonder what he thinks when he hears it.  That 3 completely different people at work who don't interact with one another compare him to a psychopathic serial killer.  Bizarrelly, when I made the comparison, I didn't know how disturbed he was.  And I guarantee the other two who made the comment have no idea how deeply disturbed he is.

You too stay safe... .  

[Take2]

Hi Take2,

I'm so glad that you are taking steps to protect yourself, and putting your needs first.  Local domestic hotline/crisis centers often have valuable info. and advice for people, and checking in before anything happens can be great resources.  Have you thought about checking that out?

It can be so hard to accept the end of the dream that some kind of relationship can be sustained.  Be kind and gentle to yourself.  You are growing by leaps and bounds.

heartandwhole

Thank you so much heartandwhole... .     your support, and everyone here, helps so much.  I did actually go to a domestic violence counselor last summer after he went totally off the deep end.  It was the first time he was ever THAT bad.  He'd been truly horrible before but it escalated to crazyland so intensely over a month or so I was freaked up worried about what might come next.  It helped a little.  I was (am) in therapy already and took a threat assessment test etc.  Read up on restraining orders.

Then it died down for a while.  This week it surpassed last summer but as stressed out and exhausted as i was this week (had to stay home from work yesterday due to severe stomach pain which I know were the result of the intense stress) - I am still much stronger than I was last summer.  I told him to never contact me again.  In no uncertain terms  I spelled it out.   I cannot go thru this another time. 

I'm so glad it's the weekend... .    

[Narellan]

That's very scary about them likening him to Dexter. Watching the series now has many lightbulb moments for me as I see it with my BPD knowledge. ( even tho dexter was a sociopath, lots still fit with my BPD ex) it's disturbed me quite a bit now. I think if he's joking about cutting my throat, what thoughts does he have that are too dark to reveal?

He told me his ex wife called him " an unknown quantity" he was proud of that description. We had a conversation about it. He told me he would never develop emotionally past a 19 yo level. ( I think he meant 3 yo )

That's where my fear comes from. I once was showing him some self defence techniques i'd learned at work, and he delighted in restraining me. None of my techniques worked on him.

My son told me I'd sleep walked last night and came in his room at 3 am turned on the light to check on him. I have no recollection of this. I used to sleepwalk when I was young. And had lots on my mind. But I haven't done it for many years. Just once I remember a few years back waking up on the neighbours doorstep, I was obviously going to complain about the barking dog !

Anyway, it's showing me my subconscious is on high alert, and I guess that will die down over time if he stays NC. I have lots of plans in place if he comes around.

Peace to you too x