Reunion with parents opened the floodgates...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Really really hard day yesterday. My parents returned home after 4 months away holidaying and I've been NC with them most of that time due to arguments over my exBPD. They were angry and abusive when they learned I was going out with my exBPD which resulted in lots of name calling from my mum directed at me and him. I defended him and myself and told her to stay away from me and my family until she could keep a civil tongue in her head.

Lately there has been a few texts exchanged, but yesterday was the big " showdown"

I thought for a few minutes they weren't going to bring it up. Kind of nice catchup for 15 minutes, but as mum was chatting away about her trip and the beautiful scenery tears just started falling from me.

Just being with them triggered such sadness. I hadnt spoken to them face to face for so many months, and never discussed my exBPD. So my dad started to ask questions and they were being kind, but it was so overwhelming I was a blubbering mess.

And my mums making comments about "why on earth do you need a man?", and of course bagging my exBPD. Again I sprang to his defense.

Why? He hurt me so much and I'm still defending him! I cried for hours. My mother said she's never seen me so broken and they're just going to have to love me so much to get their daughter back. I'm crying now as I write this. I've woken up crying again.

Might be time to get some antidepressants because this profound sadness is lingering too long. It's exhausting and I'm just literally a shell of who I used to be.

I feel like I want to avoid my parents again now. That they are a trigger for me. Mum wanted me to come for tea tonight but I declined. It's too hard to keep a mask on with my family.

And whilst sympathy was there, there was also blame and anger from my mum.

I just can't bear to think of spending time with them because it causes me too much sadness.

It was really awful to lose control like that.

It's really set me back months again.

Any thoughts people?

[Narellan]

Really really hard day yesterday. My parents returned home after 4 months away holidaying and I've been NC with them most of that time due to arguments over my exBPD. They were angry and abusive when they learned I was going out with my exBPD which resulted in lots of name calling from my mum directed at me and him. I defended him and myself and told her to stay away from me and my family until she could keep a civil tongue in her head.

Lately there has been a few texts exchanged, but yesterday was the big " showdown"

I thought for a few minutes they weren't going to bring it up. Kind of nice catchup for 15 minutes, but as mum was chatting away about her trip and the beautiful scenery tears just started falling from me.

Just being with them triggered such sadness. I hadnt spoken to them face to face for so many months, and never discussed my exBPD. So my dad started to ask questions and they were being kind, but it was so overwhelming I was a blubbering mess.

And my mums making comments about "why on earth do you need a man?", and of course bagging my exBPD. Again I sprang to his defense.

Why? He hurt me so much and I'm still defending him! I cried for hours. My mother said she's never seen me so broken and they're just going to have to love me so much to get their daughter back. I'm crying now as I write this. I've woken up crying again.

Might be time to get some antidepressants because this profound sadness is lingering too long. It's exhausting and I'm just literally a shell of who I used to be.

I feel like I want to avoid my parents again now. That they are a trigger for me. Mum wanted me to come for tea tonight but I declined. It's too hard to keep a mask on with my family.

And whilst sympathy was there, there was also blame and anger from my mum.

I just can't bear to think of spending time with them because it causes me too much sadness.

It was really awful to lose control like that.

It's really set me back months again.

Any thoughts people?

[Red Sky]

Ouch. Parents are a dodgy one for me too. They incite all kinds of weird mixed emotions. For me it's like a mixture of wanting them to be loving and maybe even approving, yet even now I can't quite let go of the very harsh things they said and did to me when they disapproved of my relationship choices.

Observations about your 'brokenness'... . That's very forthright and a lot to face up to. Confronting the truth of how you appear to someone who knows you well sounds like a very difficult thing to do. When you say 'get their daughter back', it reminds me an awful lot of my mum saying 'you're not yourself, you're not my daughter any more', and at the time she said it, I literally believed she was disowning me. I think it was a worse feeling than anything a romantic partner has actually done to me. I'm not sure why it's so hard.

Your need to defend your ex. Is there a chance that this comes from the way they behaved when you were dating him? Is it kind of that you are defending *your choice* rather than that you are defending *him*? A way of almost deflecting that blame from yourself.

It must be very difficult for a parent to see their child on a path which they consider to be self-destructive, so personally I try very hard to bear this in mind and not blame my parents too much. Mine sound a lot like yours - people who love you to bits, but in their efforts not to stand back and let you self-destruct they also tend to get wildly emotional. Her blame and anger: I have totally seen these. They may not actually be directed at you. They might feel like they are directed at you, because you are there and you can sense them, but as far as I can tell most mothers would cheerfully throttle anyone who hurt their baby.

What I will say is this: for me, this situation got easier over time. The 'blip' in your life was your ex and not your parents; it sounds like you've got a loving family which will heal. I moved back in with my parents at a point where we could barely stay in the same room without having a fight, and I not only survived but actually ended up with a very good relationship with them.

As for being a shell of who you used to be... . If what I've seen in here is a shell of a person then the whole thing must be larger than life itself. I've seen someone who's kind and helpful, who has made a difference in the life of total strangers, and I refuse to believe that you are broken. Maybe feeling a little bashed in, but bashes can be fixed.  

[Red Sky]

Second idea regarding the 'you are broken/I don't know you any more' line of thought: it could also be a way of splitting destructive or irrational behaviors which one has displayed during a relationship (including continuing the relationship) from the rest of you, so that they can get mad at the side of it that they don't like without accepting that they are actually hurting the person they love. Unfortunately splitting is a behavior in only one person's head... .

[Narellan]

Thanks so much redsky, last paragraph of first post made me cry again...

This is what I mean by broken, I can't control my tears. They come out of no where. They wake me up a few times a night. I'm pretty scared to be out in public in case I lose it. It's a bad feeling to not be able to control your emotions.

But it's not all the time. I have some good days of course.

My mum blames me for the bad decision dating him in the first place. She told me I should have known better. Really I probably should have. When my mum attacks, I defend.

Parts of the conversation were really hurtful. She said she was disgusted in me. That I was behaving a bit " off"

I don't think these things are very helpful, even if there is an element of truth to what she's saying. Lots of wounds have been reopened I feel.

I asked that we not mention exBPD ever again.

[Red Sky]

I'm not sure if some people would say that it is good to talk it out or not, but I will say that in my household there has been some kind of unspoken agreement that we never, ever mention my ex and it has worked well. It kind of gave us the room to just pretend everything was normal... . And then eventually it just WAS normal.

We still have some differences in opinion over that relationship, which mainly don't really have to do with him, more with the fact that myself and my parents have different moral standards and they didn't approve of behavior which I won't apologize for. The talking never helped because I heard 'disgusting', 'freak' and so on and very much felt blamed (for both actions I do regret and ones which I don't).

We know we have made mistakes and I think it's very hard for families to decouple their loved one's actions, the ex's actions, and where the harm was done. It makes me think of someone yelling at their child for trying to run across the road. You yell at the child because you're scared and angry that they almost did something dangerous, but at the same time how was the child to know the scenario was dangerous? Nobody told them. Maybe if they thought about it hard they SHOULD have realized it was dangerous. They get shouted at; the parent is trying to discourage them, sure, but the yelling is also a result of the parent's own fear and distress.

Maybe you should have known better. Maybe we all could have. Maybe they could have acted better. When I was a teenager, my parents threatened to disown me if I stayed with my uNPDex. It drove me to him because I felt isolated from the people I wanted love and support from. It's possible that your parents are hurting too, at the moment. They care, of course they care, and I think they're probably doing the best they can. My experience, too, was that my parents doing their best was monumentally unhelpful and actually, as you say, quite damaging. But I still kind of appreciate the fact that they TRIED, that they did their best through it all, in their own thoroughly cack-handed way. Because in the end they have been the parents that always wanted the best for me, and in the end just by being in my life and acting normal they helped me to pick up the pieces.

You'll get through it, Narellan, and I have faith that your relationship with your parents will recover too.

[Kwamina]

Hi Narellan ,

Sometimes parents have the right intentions yet still seem to do exactly the opposite of what is needed. Perhaps they viewed the whole situation with your ex as a problem that needed to be solved and felt it was their duty to solve it. While in fact what you probably needed most from them was support as you were dealing with this difficult BPD relationship.

When you feel like you're in such fragile state and get easily triggered it probably is best to keep a lil distance from your parents. The tears aren't always a bad thing I believe, maybe you just kept the hurt inside for so long and now have reached the point that it all just comes out. This can very well be a sign that you've reached a new step in your healing process. In all your perceived brokenness I must say that I've found your presence on this website very positive, you've been very supportive of others in trying to guide them through their struggles.

I know it might not feel that way right now, but these hard days can also be moments for growth and healing. Maybe it's better not to try to control your emotions but to just experience them, figure out where these emotions originate from and try to learn better ways to manage them.

[Narellan]

Thank you both so much. Kwamina   thank you x

I've just spent the last 3 hours with my parents watching my son play footy and it was good. They love me so much. We have agreed not to talk about " him" anymore. My mum has so much anger and the words " freak" " retard" and a myriad of other hateful words she spat out about him, even yesterday. A lot if it is to do with differing moral standards. A lot of it is to do with nude photos of me that I see as beautiful art, but their strong Christian view says they're disgusting. Regardless of our different views, my exBPD shouldn't have put them on FB. I can't really defend that action of his. I don't think my parents can see anything past that. Just that I made a huge mistake that damaged my reputation. I'm more upset at how/why I allowed him to damage me. But I don't need to explain my actions to my parents. I'm 48, and who I choose to be with is my own business. But yes it's like yelling at a child crossing the road. I should have been more careful and I'm paying the price now.

I agree time will help. They never want to see me re partner, they've told me that. For my kids sake. And now it's the furtherest thing from my mind so they're probably happy about that.

Thanks for listening. I don't feel so overwhelmed now.

[AwakenedOne]

Sorry your hurting Narellen. I hope your tears become less and less every day and they dry up and are replaced by 100 smiles a day.

I asked that we not mention exBPD ever again.

Did your mom agree to not talk about it again? If she did that's good. If not, just maybe nicely remind her the next time and this will nip it in the bud during the first 30 seconds or change the subject if she insists on talking about it in the future. Like change it to anything such as "Mom is that a new dress?, it looks so nice... . or "Mom will you give me your recipe for your famous cornbread muffins please? they are so delicious Mom"

Mum wanted me to come for tea tonight but I declined.

Maybe this is your moms way of saying she is sorry for what she said and to come over for a nice talk?

[Narellan]

After I declined the tea offer she replied " I just thought it would do you good to do something normal." I just replied " some other time, I'm not good company ATM"

I don't want to be triggered to tears in front of my boys. Only the 20 yo knows my situation.

Yes I think mum reacts in anger and nasty words then tries to be supportive. I took a ph call last night and my dad said to mum (while I was on the ph). "You've made your point. Just let it go now." Which made me smile a bit inside. My dad is far more stable and sensible.

[Red Sky]

Totally unacceptable of your ex to do that. Plenty of people have things like that stashed somewhere, privately, and they don't expect that their exes will display them to the world. It's a terrible violation and you have my deepest sympathy.

I think that you and I might actually have the same parents! Any chance they have a secret second family you don't know about? Mine reacted in the exact same way.

Hang in there!

[Narellan]

Haha we just might

It's not totally his fault. He's a professional photographer and has hundreds of photos on his wall, and lots of tasteful nudes. They're  head and shoulder shots of me, nothing bad. I gave him permission to post one where you couldn't even see my face, but they knew it was me. I think my sister sent them the photo cos it was friends only settings. And as I explained last night to my mum I'd be happy to see either photo in a gallery so I didn't think it was a big issue. But my mum has a problem with nudity, so it was more the fact that I posed that way.

I don't have that view at all.

But the whole thing has created such havoc in my family. I think my dad liked the photo. He didn't agree that it was disgusting. He told her to drop it.

My exBPD has a heap of photos of me though, if he gets nasty I'm nervous about what he could do with the photos, now that he's a bit disregulated. But so far so good. He's been super quiet. Apart from abusing my sister last week for having a go at me about the photos.

It will get better. I just went for a long walk, and have regrouted my shower base. And bought chocolate and wine! So ill have a good evening now... .

Thanks for your replies. X