"your best just isn't good enough for me... "

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

As my relationship with my dBPDexgf deteriorated, I noticed that her demands became incessant, the bar was constantly raised and I was in a no win zone.

One particular day, while walking in the street, my ex was on a rant... . complaining about things, criticising & insulting me, her face was twisted and she was generally spewing bad vibes all over the place. At this point, I was caught up, trying to please her, stretching myself while desperately trying to hold on to the relationship and be a "good man". I stopped her and told her what I was bringing to the relationship... . I was covering all costs- rent, food, fixed & variable costs, I was cooking for us, doing the shopping, caring for her, planning a holiday together etc... . I said that I was doing my very best, giving my all (and more) and was completely devoted to our relationship.

Her reply was astounding " I know you are, I see what you are doing but your best just isn't good enough for me... " I was stunned.

I still hung around for a few more weeks of bending myself way out of shape to please her until I had no other option than to bail.

If there is one moment that summed up the futility of being in that relationship, it was this.

[Lion Fire]

As my relationship with my dBPDexgf deteriorated, I noticed that her demands became incessant, the bar was constantly raised and I was in a no win zone.

One particular day, while walking in the street, my ex was on a rant... . complaining about things, criticising & insulting me, her face was twisted and she was generally spewing bad vibes all over the place. At this point, I was caught up, trying to please her, stretching myself while desperately trying to hold on to the relationship and be a "good man". I stopped her and told her what I was bringing to the relationship... . I was covering all costs- rent, food, fixed & variable costs, I was cooking for us, doing the shopping, caring for her, planning a holiday together etc... . I said that I was doing my very best, giving my all (and more) and was completely devoted to our relationship.

Her reply was astounding " I know you are, I see what you are doing but your best just isn't good enough for me... " I was stunned.

I still hung around for a few more weeks of bending myself way out of shape to please her until I had no other option than to bail.

If there is one moment that summed up the futility of being in that relationship, it was this.

[BorisAcusio]

I can relate to your story. At the devaluation stage, I've heard things that normal person wouldn't even say to their worst enemy. According to Kernberg:

often an unconscious conviction that they are special, and to have privileges. if object can’t provide more gratification or protection it is dropped and dismissed, because there was no real capacity for love of this object anyway. tendency to devaluate objects influenced by other things…1) revengeful destruction of object that frustrated the patient’s needs (esp. oral), 2) defensive devaluation of objects so that they can be seen as “persecutors.”

[AlwaysForgiving]

Oh, yeah. I was told straight-up that I couldn't afford her... . she was used to a certain lifestyle that I couldn't provide. She complained about everything... . my couch, my bed, the overhead lights, the fact I don't have a TV in the bedroom, my coffee... . it goes on and on.

[Tincup]

Yeah I was pretty much told the same things.  At one point she said "I will find someone who will put me on a pedestal like I deserve, and you will find someone who will take the back seat for you".  Some things that came out of her mouth completely amazed me.

[Mutt]

I can relate to your story. At the devaluation stage, I've heard things that normal person wouldn't even say to their worst enemy. According to Kernberg:

often an unconscious conviction that they are special, and to have privileges. if object can’t provide more gratification or protection it is dropped and dismissed, because there was no real capacity for love of this object anyway. tendency to devaluate objects influenced by other things…1) revengeful destruction of object that frustrated the patient’s needs (esp. oral), 2) defensive devaluation of objects so that they can be seen as “persecutors.”

Entitlement and emotional immaturity. The devaluation phase is something else.  You wouldn't of been able to satisfy someone that doesn't feel good about themselves and is not in therapy. You did your best and then some. Validate yourself.

[BorisAcusio]

Entitlement and emotional immaturity. The devaluation phase is something else.  You wouldn't of been able to satisfy someone that doesn't feel good about themselves and is not in therapy. You did your best and then some. Validate yourself.

We were devalued because we haven't met their needs. These kind of cruel belittling statements, as the OP experienced, were not present until the end of relationship. At least it made me realize that my well nortured self-esteem was mostly a facade on  old FOO wounds otherwise it wouldn't have been destroyed by someone who can barely function. 

About entitetlement:

Underneath the feelings of insecurity, self-criticism, and inferiority that patients with borderline personality organization present, one can frequently find grandiose and omnipotent trends. These very often take the form of a strong unconscious conviction that they have the right to expect gratification and homage from others, to be treated as privileged, special persons.

[willbegood]

Oh, yeah. I was told straight-up that I couldn't afford her... . she was used to a certain lifestyle that I couldn't provide. She complained about everything... . my couch, my bed, the overhead lights, the fact I don't have a TV in the bedroom, my coffee... . it goes on and on.

LOL, reminds me of mine. She always told me about how nice the house she used to own was and how mine needs a bulldozer. I stopped by a friends one night and she told me my ex's house was right behind her's. It was just a random older development house.

[Caredverymuch]

As my relationship with my dBPDexgf deteriorated, I noticed that her demands became incessant, the bar was constantly raised and I was in a no win zone.

One particular day, while walking in the street, my ex was on a rant... . complaining about things, criticising & insulting me, her face was twisted and she was generally spewing bad vibes all over the place. At this point, I was caught up, trying to please her, stretching myself while desperately trying to hold on to the relationship and be a "good man". I stopped her and told her what I was bringing to the relationship... . I was covering all costs- rent, food, fixed & variable costs, I was cooking for us, doing the shopping, caring for her, planning a holiday together etc... . I said that I was doing my very best, giving my all (and more) and was completely devoted to our relationship.

Her reply was astounding " I know you are, I see what you are doing but your best just isn't good enough for me... " I was stunned.

I still hung around for a few more weeks of bending myself way out of shape to please her until I had no other option than to bail.

If there is one moment that summed up the futility of being in that relationship, it was this.

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They constantly " up the ante" during this stage. Until you can no longer conceivable please them. You are doing everything known to mankind, and the bottomless one sided well of need remains drain wide open.  Omnipotent statements and the grandiosity are unbelievable.  Once they push you away, due to their well earned doing, they will then recall and possibly recant the end of the r/s  as " you left them."  Its an incredibly mind blowing disorder.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lion Fire, One phrase I use to describe my BPDxW is "Never enough . . . . "

I ran myself ragged chasing something that was always just out of reach, because no matter what I did it was "never enough."  It sounds like you had a similar experience!  LuckyJim