We broke up a month ago. Ive lost count of how many times by now i think were at 8... idk. Anyways this was the first major recycle. After 1 month of a "break" and another month of her being back and forth between being "friends" or together i went NC. I indeed gave her "space" like she wanted so she wouldnt "resent" me. This lasted two months strong. I was healing still far from recovered but doing alot better interacting with the outside world,making new/connecting with old friends,meditating,and seeing a T. Well what do you know after one of the best weeks of my year so far... she comes knocking at my door. Leaves a note "to please text her when i get the chance" and unblocks me on FB leaving the same message. So i stupidly put on my Birkenstocks and try to play personal Jesus. Texting her leads to me calling her because she sees how much better im doing than her and eventually responds "youd be better off without me." So as soon as she picks up shes breaking down crying telling me how much shes missed me and been drinking to cope with the pain. Got so drunk she deleted my number and blocked me on FB. Her Moms cancer has now spread to her breasts and now she doesnt know what to do because shes so depressed. I try to tell her that she needs to see a T, start meditating, and generally things that were helping me to stay positive. She keeps crying saying nothing will ever be ok and how she wants me to hold her... this leads to me offering for her to come over to my apartment. Shes hesitant at first but comes over after a bit of her being back and forth. So she gets over i go into her car. I immediately tell her how beautiful she looks and how much ive missed her cute smile since she smiled in reaction to my compliment... earlier she was complaining about how "ugly" she was without makeup. So we get into my place. Well she ends on cuddling and clinging to me on the couch... it felt so nice ot always does when shes actually being affectionate its truly like heaven. She starts kissing me which leads to making out but thats as far as i let it go that night. So we talk for a few hours about our lives since weve been absent. I offer for her to spend the night on the couch if shed like since its late but she declines as she has work in the morning. So she leaves after smoking a drag. Then texts me for about 30 or 40 min. Well at this point im really guarded and not sure how to feel. So she texts me in the morning saying"you dont text the same. :/" So i wait until after she gets off to text her back as im not sure how to respond. I end up just calling her. It leads to her wanting to come over again and hang after talking for 2 hours on the phone. Mind you im not used to this at all because post 2 months of hell she "didnt like to talk on the phone" and if she did itd be quick 6 or 7 min convos with her reiterating the previously stated point... So she comes over and we end up going out to get a movie. We watch on the couch and cuddle. She falls asleep early on in the movie. So i end up turning it off and carrying her to my bed. I tuck her in and i was going to sleep on the couch but she woke up a little and insists i "come cuddle". So i do. It was perfect again that feeling of total ectasy... as the cure sings "just like heaven." So we get up in the morning. We share a connection like nothing ive ever felt the whole relationship with her looking me in the eyes i can feel our souls tie and become one. Its perfect. I feeling like im losing my virginity to her all over again. Shes hungry so we go out to breakfast. We get complimented in the restaurant by the cashier that we look like a "perfect couple" it made her smile and squeeze my hand. We finished up breakfast and went back to her moms to get her charger but end up staying. Well this leads to us staying a whole week together nonstop to sum it up. After a major vounerable moment at one of my friends partys while on psychedelics she admitted to having BPD after me bring it up previously before post. And as i suffer from NPD i can relate deeply to her in alot of ways. We both seem to have these walls up that dont really let us express our emotions correctly. Thats why im an advocate of psychotherapy because the only other time she really opened up to me was when she was on MDMA. Note that she has had brief moments of clarity without psychedelics but never as long lasting. So we get into a long talk about cycles and how our parents have successfully stemmed these in us from early childhood. How we both want to break this and be healthy. She had her head on my chest as we fell asleep outside to the stars fading into the dawn of early morning. Another perfect moment. We end up getting up in the morning and taking a walk. Were actually ironically on the street i grew up on and its really nostalgic and pretty. I felt so close to her. So safe. She looked so beautiful without all the make up layered on. Her freckles are so cute and i told her all this... She smiled... I melted... But the girl i fell in love with never seems to stay and slowly gets replaced by the other side of her... as soon as we get too close. The baiting starts i try to resist the fighting and i do for a few days... telling her to be positive and just enjoy our time together. Our first fight breaks out after i finally break when she freaks out and runs out of the hotel after sharing intimacy just a few moments before... the beggining of the end... Mind you im homeless at this point because i was suppossed to move back in with my parents as i was losing my apartment but they wouldnt let me as they caught us together and know all that brings with it... So nights of her getting us hotels continues. The last night we stay in a hotel ironically an old fling shows up in the hotel room next to us. She gets all insecure. I calm her down with validation telling her she means nothing to me we never even dated, youre the one im with and love, youre so much more beautiful in my eyes compared to her, etc. Calms her down but eventually brings it up 3 or 4 more times throughout the night with me trying to be patient and repeat the same lines that seem to calm her down. She gets some alcohol and drinks a bit we cuddle and she passes out. So the next day it packing to leave it comes up but much worse. And at this point i just feel insulted and frustrated because i feel like she thinks im lying(i know this is her illness its just so hard in the heat of the moment) so we fight about it me telling her she needs to realize im with her for a reason and that i dont wanna hear anymore as this isnt fair to me. She gets silent and pouty... but it wares off after some travelling to various destinations. Well she suggests we stay at her mothers as its cheaper. We go and look at places to move in after her convincing. It started out as find a job or some income and help out as much as you can babe, then ill help you tryn find a job and as soon as you do well move in together, and eventually to her dropping me off at my parents after a week saying she loved me but needed me to figure it out for myself as shed "helped enough" which i get but i lost my job due to the enumerous amount of stress and depressive feelings she was putting on me with the games she played for two months with my heart. I couldn't work a whole shift without crying and it was in sales so it ___ed up my numbers. Well she knew this still acted like it was my fault cuz "i didnt want my job bad enough." "I needed to grow up and stop blaming her." even though i was just stating the cause without blame. Well i saw the whole process of idealization clinging and devaluation all happen in real time and i gotta say its really hurt worse this time. Shed pushed me away after spending a whole week with her trying my best to console her( i even watched the notebook with her for the first time something id never do for any other girl). She started acting sick wouldnt do anything i asked her even small things. Things just deteriorated... so quickly. And she she holds it all against me for getting angry one night and saying some things i regret... but i apologized and i was so hurt how she acted like it was all my fault after apologizing... not acknowledging any pain she put me through as if i did it all... Well after being homeless two weeks holding on to her breadcrumbs of hope those being all that kept me going after hard nights sleeping on park benches crying myself to sleep. She breakes up with me when i come over to tell her that id gotten a job. It wasnt good enough. She wasnt happy. It was my fault. She didnt know how to break it to me. Just sat there with the car running her voice barely audible with all the shame i could see in her disposition. Her dads dying too and now her moms even sicker. She needs to focus on them. Cant be a gf. She needs to get better. She doesnt wanna be with anyone. And full circle back to we can "just be friends."(I just dont know what are lies anymore it feels like most of what she says is like im even doubting her parents "dying" as her mother just posted running 7 miles on fb... ) I told her what if i cant. "Then shell hate me". Black and White. Cuts me off after this lame excuse of a breakup conversation and says " I dont know how i feel. I love you and i always will. I just hope we can be friends then maybe more... but it will be a long time. Well after talking a longer than i expected i missed the bus home. I ask her for a ride. She wont. Shes tired of mothering me.
Says "Thanks for the stress and i hate you." which turns into later "I cant handle this i need space if you ever want anything with us take a cab home." (Even though i paid for that car and the gas in it at that moment... And before going to the bus stop and realizing i missed it she tried to lie to me and tell me she wasnt home... the bus stop is 1 min from her house. Well she was there i called her out on lying. Then her car drives off. So fast forward a week and whats this i go to the doctor and find out i have and std. Well since ive had no other partners it was her. After lying about not being with anyone else while i was gone. So i dont even blame her just tell her the news. Well she tries to convince me shes fine and that i mustve gotten from someone else or hugging or touching someone dirty. Well its chlamydia and are you F*cking serious really like no her responses really show how childlike her perception of reality can be. Well she never admits to getting tested just hints at that she went to planned parenthood to get her depo shot. So whatever... i still dont freak out other than reply "ive never slept with anyone else and that if she hasnt gotten tested she should if shes just going by symptoms because women can be carriers. but its your life. goodnite." So thats the last interaction weve had its been 3 weeks. I cry everyday at least once a day. Ive sunken into a deep depression way worse than the last. And i still wonder if theres any hope for us... I love her and i see past her illness. I just dont know what to do... I keep wanting to contact her to take her to this concert we were both supposed to go to to somehow just talk about everything after we have some fun. I seriously dont want to move on. So i feel stuck in limbo. Idk if shell comeback on her own if i go nc. I think shes found a new host as she was acting completely different when we broke up,talking different,listening to music shes not normally listening to,new clothes and necklace(not wearing the one i got her yet agin like the last time). This all happened before she left last time. And i know she was with this guy from her work. I saw her with him on our "break" and my friend did as well. And she came around just when he left on vacation for the second time this time without her. Triggering abandonment fears and her prolly breaking up with him or disappearing to be with me. I mean she even told me she went to Florida with an aunt i know doesn't exist as her mom only has two siblings... her getting all defensive when id try to ask to much into the vacation and say to drop it. Would only show me one photo of it of her and her tan but quickly swipe the phone away when her gallery came up. And the final evidence being her mom posted that she was "on vacation with her bf and his parents." She just said her mom was lying... *sigh* So im at a crossroads and that why im undecided. I want us to work more than anything and i feel like everytime she does this its because she fears the intimacy we start to have and pushes and tries to set the relationship somewhere comft like a friendship. I just want to know if there's anything i can do to prevent this or is this all on her to get help? Im so lost... I just want us to be ok as i believe this girls my soul mate and even after all this id still try for both of us. Shes the first thing i think about when i wake up... the last thing thought before i go to bed. Help?
