Why must they make you suffer?

[screwedfriend]

If a BPD has split you and and has a new supply. Why do they rub it in  your face, seemingly letting you know it is going on but then denying and lying about it or splitting when confronted, and cycling back to engage with you and then withdraw and cheat when you start to get close again. The cheating then leaving you lonely and heartbroken each time like a broken record. I guess the main question is why? They want you to feel the abandonment they felt as a child or for everyone to feel that way because they were hurt? Like a revenge tactic that never ends? If you explain to them that you cant love someone when they are messing with someone else, that just doesn't work? I mean they don't get that. You are bad therefore you should suffer endless torture. Right? And then they cannot understand why you would want to end such a nightmare? I kind of want to get behind the motivation to so cruely and sadistically punish someone who has done nothing to hurt them and that they still claim to care about but act totally the opposite. I dont know I guess I will probably go crazy if I keep trying to figure the motivation behind this because there really is no logic to it.

[NorthLight]

When they were kids, the people closest to their heart (parents) abandoned them / let them down / was mean to them... That can create a BPD person, and they now see all humans as black or white. And nobody can stay white forever in their head, so sooner or later you are painted black, the closer you are with them, the more black you get painted if that makes sense.

And when you are first painted black, all those bad childhoodissues-emotions is directed towards YOU! In her head you are the problem! When you are out of her life she is "free"! She let you into her heart, what a big mistake... Because when she realized you are pure evil (White -> Black thinking), you are just as bad as her parents and she wants nothing to do with you - Or in many cases, like yours, she is even trying to hurt you. I hope that makes sense, so you can accept why she is behaving like this, and that it has nothing to do with you as a person!

Its a disorder, its not logical thinking - So don't take it personal, hang in there   

[Overbeck]

The first instinct for Borderlines is survival. They must protect themselves from pain and abandonment.

If we suffer, we are hurting and at a disadvantage---thus, they have control and power over us.

[Caredverymuch]

If a BPD has split you and and has a new supply. Why do they rub it in  your face, seemingly letting you know it is going on but then denying and lying about it or splitting when confronted, and cycling back to engage with you and then withdraw and cheat when you start to get close again. The cheating then leaving you lonely and heartbroken each time like a broken record. I guess the main question is why? They want you to feel the abandonment they felt as a child or for everyone to feel that way because they were hurt? Like a revenge tactic that never ends? If you explain to them that you cant love someone when they are messing with someone else, that just doesn't work? I mean they don't get that. You are bad therefore you should suffer endless torture. Right? And then they cannot understand why you would want to end such a nightmare? I kind of want to get behind the motivation to so cruely and sadistically punish someone who has done nothing to hurt them and that they still claim to care about but act totally the opposite. I dont know I guess I will probably go crazy if I keep trying to figure the motivation behind this because there really is no logic to it.

This is a very good question and something we all have struggled with too.  Not only do they immensely hurt us with the devaluations undeserved, they add more on top of that when they split us black for no reason at all.  They pour on SL, coldness, abandonment, and often add a smear campaign.  Then the begin with a replacement and have zero concern for how THIS is now added right on top of ALL of that undeserved hurt you are struggling so hard with.  In many cases struggling just to surviving each day. 

These are the reasons we are here.  These are the reasons we end up on therapy. On medication sometimes. And why it takes so long to fully recover.

I wish I knew why they take so much effort to do these things. TO US. WHO

have only loved.

But they do.

And I am so sorry for anyone still dealing with these deeply hurtful inflictions.  Its like they take all the mean things one person could muster and dump it right on us.  The innocent bystander.

I can only guess this is a portion of the trauma they lived.  Though they surely dont act like it.

[Vexed]

Because they hate you for abandoning them like everyone else.  You were supposed to b e different and save them, take away the pain, but you didnt.  You fooled her and she feels stupid for ever believing her lies. 

Pretty much direct quote from my exBPDgf who broke up with me.  It's one big projection. They hate themself.

[patientandclear]

We suffer, but that doesn't mean our suffering is their goal.  I think we and our emotional state are almost completely irrelevant to their actions.  There may be some guilt, some shame, that gets papered over by projected blaming of us that allow them to feel better about their actions.  But for the most part, our emotional landscape is irrelevant to what they are trying to accomplish.

I feel my share of resentment and anger toward my ex.  But most days, I can get that he involuntarily and spasmodically needs to achieve freedom and self-protection.  He "knows" I like all the other women (starting with him mom) will hurt him.  In a variety of ways, some of which I have veered close to in my own confusion, some of which are pure projection.  He fears I will capture him, he fears my patronizing ideas about how life should be lived will eradicate his individuality.  He needs to get away.  He is afraid if he lets me matter to him I will devastate him.  He fears I will not accept him as he is (at this point, he has some evidence for this).

Those fears are intense, deep and involuntary. Their reactions are instinctive and compulsive.

If we felt what they felt, we wouldn't act so great, either.  This is sad, awful, and at some point, hard to make allowances for if they keep doing it without recognizing a pattern and making some sort of effort to figure it out. But even with that effort, which my ex like many of yours has started a few times, it's super hard to change this stuff.  Their feelings don't change, they just learn skills to deal with the terror that are less destructive.

I think it's helpful for us to recall that hurting us (and others) is a byproduct of instinctive fear-based responses.  It is not the goal of most of our (ex)partners.

[BacknthSaddle]

We suffer, but that doesn't mean our suffering is their goal.  I think we and our emotional state are almost completely irrelevant to their actions. 

I think it is crucial to remember this, and for some it can be harder to accept than the notion that they were actually trying to hurt you because they cared about how you felt.  They may have some sort of negative emotions with regard to what they are doing to you, but this is related to their own internal shame/low self-worth and has very little to do with you per se. 

[Caredverymuch]

We suffer, but that doesn't mean our suffering is their goal.  I think we and our emotional state are almost completely irrelevant to their actions. 

I think it is crucial to remember this, and for some it can be harder to accept than the notion that they were actually trying to hurt you because they cared about how you felt.  They may have some sort of negative emotions with regard to what they are doing to you, but this is related to their own internal shame/low self-worth and has very little to do with you per se. 

Seeking, I get what you are suggesting and can follow it in relation to the d/o dissociation etc but how do you explain someone with the emotional sensitivity of a third degree burn it is said, to have absolutely none for those left as are.  Who were very present in their lives?

[BacknthSaddle]

We suffer, but that doesn't mean our suffering is their goal.  I think we and our emotional state are almost completely irrelevant to their actions. 

I think it is crucial to remember this, and for some it can be harder to accept than the notion that they were actually trying to hurt you because they cared about how you felt.  They may have some sort of negative emotions with regard to what they are doing to you, but this is related to their own internal shame/low self-worth and has very little to do with you per se. 

Seeking, I get what you are suggesting and can follow it in relation to the d/o dissociation etc but how do you explain someone with the emotional sensitivity of a third degree burn it is said, to have absolutely none for those left as are.  Who were very present in their lives?

In general they have very little to no capacity for empathy.  The fact that they feel emotions in an intense fashion doesn't mean that they realize that you do, or that they would be concerned about it if they did. 

[BacknthSaddle]

Remember that when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.  There are only two states we can be in: meeting the needs (white) or not meeting the needs (black).  All attachments are capable of flipping between these two extremes, so no need to discard the black ones; they might be useful one day! 

The point is that while they certainly have intense "emotional sensitivity" the emotions they are describing, with the same words you or I would use (love, hate, guilt, etc), are not the same emotions we feel.  That stuff that we feel... .they don't really get that, and they don't really see a need to try to get it. 

[myself]

Perhaps they feel so lonely in their pain they bring others into it?

Then can't stand the extra suffering so run away, causing more shame.

Smash mirror. Leave mess with scapegoat. Repeat patterns elsewhere.

[Caredverymuch]

Remember that when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.  There are only two states we can be in: meeting the needs (white) or not meeting the needs (black).  All attachments are capable of flipping between these two extremes, so no need to discard the black ones; they might be useful one day! 

The point is that while they certainly have intense "emotional sensitivity" the emotions they are describing, with the same words you or I would use (love, hate, guilt, etc), are not the same emotions we feel.  That stuff that we feel... .they don't really get that, and they don't really see a need to try to get it. 

.

Thank you fir your insightful feedback backin. Yes it is all need based. The entire patterns are all based on need. One sided need only though.  I can recall several times i had a need. As in just merely to talk about something that was occurring in my own life that was concerning.  My ex pBPD would appear " present" while listening but more in a staring off to the distance type way. He would respond with a very concise statement such as " thats too bad" and immediately bring the attention back to him.

[BacknthSaddle]

Remember that when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.  There are only two states we can be in: meeting the needs (white) or not meeting the needs (black).  All attachments are capable of flipping between these two extremes, so no need to discard the black ones; they might be useful one day! 

The point is that while they certainly have intense "emotional sensitivity" the emotions they are describing, with the same words you or I would use (love, hate, guilt, etc), are not the same emotions we feel.  That stuff that we feel... .they don't really get that, and they don't really see a need to try to get it. 

.

Thank you fir your insightful feedback backin. Yes it is all need based. The entire patterns are all based on need. One sided need only though.  I can recall several times i had a need. As in just merely to talk about something that was occurring in my own life that was concerning.  My ex pBPD would appear " present" while listening but more in a staring off to the distance type way. He would respond with a very concise statement such as " thats too bad" and immediately bring the attention back to him.

Oh most definitely.  This was the story of my whole r/s!  Never available to provide any emotional support.  And yet, for some reason, I thought that would change. 

[AlonelyOne]

when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.

So true... .if you're useful/meeting needs. Than you're great.  If not, than you're horrible. There is NO NORMAL.

Also, I am not sure I'd even say it's about abandonment. But rather control. They are so fearful to not be in control. 

[BacknthSaddle]

when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.

So true... .if you're useful/meeting needs. Than you're great.  If not, than you're horrible. There is NO NORMAL.

Also, I am not sure I'd even say it's about abandonment. But rather control. They are so fearful to not be in control. 

I think they are linked right?  They try to control you to prevent the abandonment.  Of course, if they do to well and you get to close, you might engulf them, in which case they would lose ALL control, so they split you black and push you away.  But, they still don't let you go entirely. 

I mentioned this on another thread yesterday, but I think the best way to think of it is in terms of the fragility of their attachments.  To pwBPD, ALL attachments are capable of breaking at any time.  In theory, literally all of the pwBPD's attachments could go at any time in his/her mind.  So, as a result, ALL attachments have to be controlled to the greatest degree possible, and all attachments have to be preserved to some degree, or at least checked on to make sure they haven't broken.  There are no "bad attachments," no people you genuinely want out of your life, because what if everyone who was good in your life simultaneously abandoned you forever?  It could happen! (in their minds).  This is why no contact is so valuable: receiving contact from you, whether positive, negative, or indifferent, is just proof that they've still got the attachment there, that things are under control. The only way to communicate clearly that the attachment is not viable is, ironically, to communicate nothing at all.

[Caredverymuch]

when they say "I love you," they mean "you are currently meeting my needs." Love to them is need-based, and we are all need-meeting objects.

So true... .if you're useful/meeting needs. Than you're great.  If not, than you're horrible. There is NO NORMAL.

Also, I am not sure I'd even say it's about abandonment. But rather control. They are so fearful to not be in control. 

I think they are linked right?  They try to control you to prevent the abandonment.  Of course, if they do to well and you get to close, you might engulf them, in which case they would lose ALL control, so they split you black and push you away.  But, they still don't let you go entirely. 

I mentioned this on another thread yesterday, but I think the best way to think of it is in terms of the fragility of their attachments.  To pwBPD, ALL attachments are capable of breaking at any time.  In theory, literally all of the pwBPD's attachments could go at any time in his/her mind.  So, as a result, ALL attachments have to be controlled to the greatest degree possible, and all attachments have to be preserved to some degree, or at least checked on to make sure they haven't broken.  There are no "bad attachments," no people you genuinely want out of your life, because what if everyone who was good in your life simultaneously abandoned you forever?  It could happen! (in their minds).  This is why no contact is so valuable: receiving contact from you, whether positive, negative, or indifferent, is just proof that they've still got the attachment there, that things are under control. The only way to communicate clearly that the attachment is not viable is, ironically, to communicate nothing at all.

.

Yes they keep control to assure you wont abandon them.  You are still in the white during this time even though they devalue you daily by now.  You know things like asking you to meet them then being an hour late when they know you are sitting there waiting with no text saying " hey im runnjng late" like a normal person would do. 

They have you as an emotional hostage by now too bc you are so unsure of yourself and them bc of the push/ pull.  So you wait for them like a jerk and they show up an hour late with that smirk like " what?"   These same ppl that blow up your phone 24/7 texting you during the clinging now are devaluing you and testing you.  Purposely. 

You are still white but headed toward grey if you challenge their behavior during these stupid control laden disrespectful  tests.  Which are all about securing more and more and more control, you know... .Bc they love you and don't want to lose you!

[Mr Hollande]

Relating to what a few of you have posted here. Did anyone else experience that throwing back the rage and insults was like water off a ducks back while the most sincere declaration of love would be taken as the gravest of betrayals?

[BacknthSaddle]

Relating to what a few of you have posted here. Did anyone else experience that throwing back the rage and insults was like water off a ducks back while the most sincere declaration of love would be taken as the gravest of betrayals?

I'm not sure about betrayal, but definitely by the end sincerity resulted in devaluation. Sincerity implies intimacy, which is triggering for pwBPD and must be avoided or annihilated. As for the part about rage: most definitely.

[Caredverymuch]

Relating to what a few of you have posted here. Did anyone else experience that throwing back the rage and insults was like water off a ducks back while the most sincere declaration of love would be taken as the gravest of betrayals?

Yes, any reaction back that implied rage was met with projections, lies and perhaps a few tears.  Any reaction of sincerity was met with devaluation, projection and a push away.

[screwedfriend]

I haven't been on for a few days but I totally agree with all of what you all have said. They don't feel empathy at all I think. Love, caring ,concern they mean nothing to them and they will turn on you in a heartbeat. As hard as it is to accept there is no one in her world except her enablers, her next victim and to some extent her young son who I think she tires of sometimes and of course herself first and foremost. I don't intend to be in the picture as there is only hurt heartache and abandonment in store if I do. The girl just doesn't mean me well period. Run is the best option when you recognize what is in store for you in this type of relationship.