'You might have cancer'

[empath]

For the past several days, uBPDh has been acting odd -- clearly worried about my health and coming up with what he believes are 'possible symptoms' of 'cancer'. He had been keeping me up later and later which eventually led to my having a migraine -- so then he was 'concerned' because I 'seemed to be tired a lot' (then I mentioned that he had been preventing me from sleeping... .). He had also mentioned that he had had a 'vision' while he was praying about my having a long and serious illness. When I asked him for more specifics, he said that I was being defensive and 'not able to receive' the information. I said that I was frustrated that he was being very vague and clearly worried about something, but he wouldn't tell me what it was.

Anyway, last night, he finally described this vision to me. There wasn't anything in it about an illness -- he was on a long solitary journey that he wasn't allowed to have me with him. So... .  he assumed that meant that I was dead (because he 'needs' me to be with him... .). He also said that he had a dream about needing to have his 'loves put to death'. He works with people who are dying, so he took these things to be more like what his patients are experiencing than they seemed to be to me from his description. So, I said that it's sometimes hard to not impose our own experiences onto these kinds of things -- he agreed. Then, I described what it sounded like to me -- that there was some pretty deep 'internal work' that he needed to do that was going to be difficult and some of the ways that he has done things in the past were going to be 'put to death'. (He has been on a spiritual purging for a while, so that seemed like a safe thing to say at the time) He seemed to be okay with that general idea.

He says that he wants to be healed from the distance that he feels is between us and from the hurt that he feels. He wants to feel close to me... .(as he said that he intertwined his fingers and pressed his hands together) He wants to feel 'in love' with me again (he has said in the past that he hadn't ever felt that way with me).

This morning, I had an early morning meeting (its a weekly thing), but he decided to set the alarm later. So, I missed my meeting. He apologized, but then he said since he isn't able to go, he forgets about that meeting. He was concerned about his schedule and the things he had to take care of. He hasn't been able to get up early this week, so he didn't think about my meeting. I just listened and admitted I was angry but that there was nothing that could be done about it.   

So, I think that there is progress here: he was able to describe to me what had triggered his worry, I was able to help him see a different way of interpreting the event, and he was willing to hear that healing might involve some sadness.

The work thing is something that we need to talk about probably pretty soon.

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[KateCat]

empath,

I've read a number of your sensitive and wise posts, and I think you already "know the script." And now you may just need to "change it up" it with simple boundaries (like making sure he can't sabotage your activities). You know, not expecting him to do anything different, but making sure that you have your own alarm clock, for instance.

Could he be afraid of your various strengths and could a little part of him wish there really were something "wrong" with you (like physical illness)?

Here's what you wrote last November about his reactions to your employment. (To me they sound like an "extinction burst" as described on this forum.) Maybe you can expect the same this time, and just remain firm in accomplishing your goals, until the storm passes:

"I started remembering that he very often has issues when I am working. He has used porn while I was working; 'forgotten' huge chunks of my employment history; refused to make his own dinner while I'm working and become angry at me for not fixing it. He says that he 'supports' my working, but I'm not sure how much because his actions seem to indicate some issues.

Anyway, I've noticed the behavior beginning again after starting a new position. I said something about what I noticed before I left today. In the past 3 days, he has done different things that resulted in my being late for various responsibilities.

. . . .

He has turned off the alarm clock, too.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm curious to hear answers this one as well. My husband is always afraid of me dying or leaving him... .and to be fair he did have a girlfriend who had epilepsy, and she seized one night and smothered herself, so I'm sure that fuels it some.

"because I 'seemed to be tired a lot' (then I mentioned that he had been preventing me from sleeping... .)"

Ok... .my husband does this to me from time to time... .will keep TV on loud or music, and keep talking to me until he's ready to sleep. Any mention of me being tired or trying to sleep is open season for a fight.

For the past several days, uBPDh has been acting odd -- clearly worried about my health and coming up with what he believes are 'possible symptoms' of 'cancer'. He had been keeping me up later and later which eventually led to my having a migraine -- so then he was 'concerned' because I 'seemed to be tired a lot' (then I mentioned that he had been preventing me from sleeping... .). He had also mentioned that he had had a 'vision' while he was praying about my having a long and serious illness. When I asked him for more specifics, he said that I was being defensive and 'not able to receive' the information. I said that I was frustrated that he was being very vague and clearly worried about something, but he wouldn't tell me what it was.

Anyway, last night, he finally described this vision to me. There wasn't anything in it about an illness -- he was on a long solitary journey that he wasn't allowed to have me with him. So... .  he assumed that meant that I was dead (because he 'needs' me to be with him... .). He also said that he had a dream about needing to have his 'loves put to death'. He works with people who are dying, so he took these things to be more like what his patients are experiencing than they seemed to be to me from his description. So, I said that it's sometimes hard to not impose our own experiences onto these kinds of things -- he agreed. Then, I described what it sounded like to me -- that there was some pretty deep 'internal work' that he needed to do that was going to be difficult and some of the ways that he has done things in the past were going to be 'put to death'. (He has been on a spiritual purging for a while, so that seemed like a safe thing to say at the time) He seemed to be okay with that general idea.

He says that he wants to be healed from the distance that he feels is between us and from the hurt that he feels. He wants to feel close to me... .(as he said that he intertwined his fingers and pressed his hands together) He wants to feel 'in love' with me again (he has said in the past that he hadn't ever felt that way with me).

This morning, I had an early morning meeting (its a weekly thing), but he decided to set the alarm later. So, I missed my meeting. He apologized, but then he said since he isn't able to go, he forgets about that meeting. He was concerned about his schedule and the things he had to take care of. He hasn't been able to get up early this week, so he didn't think about my meeting. I just listened and admitted I was angry but that there was nothing that could be done about it.   

So, I think that there is progress here: he was able to describe to me what had triggered his worry, I was able to help him see a different way of interpreting the event, and he was willing to hear that healing might involve some sadness.

The work thing is something that we need to talk about probably pretty soon.

[KateCat]

Gee, ColdEthyl, your husband's previous tragedy certainly makes matters like this very sensitive in your case.

I'm kind of pondering the genius in human dreams. Wondering whether empath's husband might be truly aware of her growth and strength, and her value to others now as a mature woman of experience. If somewhere in his mind he might not be so threatened by this "growth," that his dream presents it to him as the malignant growth of a cancer. After all, it could be bad news for him, if it results in less attention to his needs.

I guess I think they are just as afraid of you "being sick" as they are afraid of you "not being sick."  

[empath]

KateCat,

In a conversation yesterday evening, he recognized his feelings of being 'left out' -- I think there is an aspect of jealousy of seeing my experiences. Some of it, I think, also relates to the idea of being satisfied with where I am which is something that he struggles with a lot. In the same conversation, he was minimizing his own contributions and strengths. It is certainly threatening to him. The good part is that he is recognizing those feelings and thinking more about his reactions to them. In some of our recent discussions, he has noticed that I have been able to do things that he has not been able to do.

As I said, the dream didn't actually indicate any health issues for either one of us; he interpreted that into the dream. Some of the people he works with have cancer, but perhaps unconsciously, he might think of these aspects of my growth as cancer. I do know that he is very fearful about health related issues as well as the idea of being alone (that is probably one of his biggest fears, although he 'feels' alone much of the time).

[KateCat]

In some of our recent discussions, he has noticed that I have been able to do things that he has not been able to do.

Are any of these strengths of yours abilities that he admits to respecting? It seems to me that might really be evidence that he is indeed struggling to make changes in himself.

And here's a "side rant," just because I cannot resist: Oh, these troubled narcissistic men! How hard it seems for them to accord even a shard of respect to a woman a healthy man would appreciate without any effort at all. Gads! He's been with you over twenty years and has just noticed that you can do a few things he can't?  

But how sad, really, that that is painful for him.

[empath]

Oh, he does 'respect' my abilities and knows that he 'should' grow in those areas. But then, it turns inward to a self-loathing thing... .  because in his world, that means that he is bad... .It is really sad for him; I wish that it wasn't like that. I think one thing that has helped me is realizing that he doesn't have respect or love for himself, so he can't give it to others really. He can make it seem like he does, but it's all an illusion.

I haven't mentioned to him that the reason why I enjoy having a life outside him is that I can just be me and be affirmed in my abilities and my contributions. It's good to have relationships with healthy people.

[KateCat]

Oh, he does 'respect' my abilities and knows that he 'should' grow in those areas.

Wow. My husband's form of mental illness actually includes something like "contempt for others" as one of its clinical descriptors. And I think it took reading that in black and white for me to fully understand that there was no changing his perceptions or attitudes.

It sounds as though you are pretty well set on your path forward. . . . Good relationships with healthy people truly are a fine reward for hard work and healthy boundaries, aren't they?

[empath]

Yeah, it can be really eye-opening when you read about mental illnesses/conditions and realize it makes sense. I remember when I decided to start telling others (in confidential settings) about what I was 'struggling with'. They would say that he was inappropriate in how he was handling things. It was good to have people whom I could talk with and give me a perspective of what 'normal' should be.

[ColdEthyl]

I'm not allowed to talk about work when I come home because when I do, it reminds him that he isn't working and makes him feel bad. He says it's like rubbing it in his face that I'm important somewhere outside of the home and all he does is sit at home all day long waiting for me to come home so he has someone to talk to. In his head, I should never complain about work because "You have other people to talk to all day"

In reality, he feel like crap for not working, but he isn't working because he can't do 9-5ers for more than a few months at a time before something happening.

Oh, he does 'respect' my abilities and knows that he 'should' grow in those areas. But then, it turns inward to a self-loathing thing... .  because in his world, that means that he is bad... .It is really sad for him; I wish that it wasn't like that. I think one thing that has helped me is realizing that he doesn't have respect or love for himself, so he can't give it to others really. He can make it seem like he does, but it's all an illusion.

I haven't mentioned to him that the reason why I enjoy having a life outside him is that I can just be me and be affirmed in my abilities and my contributions. It's good to have relationships with healthy people.