How did you get your animal and/possessions back?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

First, I am undecided as to whether I will stay or leave this relationship. I am posting on the "leaving" board because I'm hoping someone has experience with this particular problem.

Separated from 4 year relationship with undiagnosed BPD boyfriend. All of our many, many splits have been at his demand. In the past six months he has kicked me out three times. This is the third. The previous two only lasted days, but in those days he was making definite plans to return my belongings to me.

This time we've been apart for two months. He will not respond to any of my communications, nor will he initiate contact with me. It has been a month since we've had ANY form of communication... .other than me asking when I can have my bird back, and pick up my belongings. He changed the locks immediately after kicking me out.

What do I do? Why is he holding my pet and my belongings hostage?

I am not worried for the safety of my bird; he would never ever harm an animal, but I miss her and want her back. When I left, it was very quick, and done to defuse the situation. I thought he would calm down in a day or two. I only took the bare essentials and my dog. Everything else is still at his house.

Also, there would never be a question as to who 'owns' the bird. It is clear-cut.

Any advice?

[hark]

First, I am undecided as to whether I will stay or leave this relationship. I am posting on the "leaving" board because I'm hoping someone has experience with this particular problem.

Separated from 4 year relationship with undiagnosed BPD boyfriend. All of our many, many splits have been at his demand. In the past six months he has kicked me out three times. This is the third. The previous two only lasted days, but in those days he was making definite plans to return my belongings to me.

This time we've been apart for two months. He will not respond to any of my communications, nor will he initiate contact with me. It has been a month since we've had ANY form of communication... .other than me asking when I can have my bird back, and pick up my belongings. He changed the locks immediately after kicking me out.

What do I do? Why is he holding my pet and my belongings hostage?

I am not worried for the safety of my bird; he would never ever harm an animal, but I miss her and want her back. When I left, it was very quick, and done to defuse the situation. I thought he would calm down in a day or two. I only took the bare essentials and my dog. Everything else is still at his house.

Also, there would never be a question as to who 'owns' the bird. It is clear-cut.

Any advice?

[Lolster]

Have you tried the obvious, i.e. Knocking on the door when you know he'll be in and telling him you're there to collect? If you have and he wont play ball, or you wont for fear of what may happen then call the police and say you need assistance to avoid a breach of the peace. I dont know where you are but the UK police will definitely do this. If you are in another country and unsure of the police procedures then find a domestic violence helpline in your country and call them to ask. It is a controlling behaviour and he's hanging on to that control by keeping your stuff. You need to take that control back and get some support with that.

You may not want to take such a hard line due to being unsure whether you want to carry on with the relationship in the future. If you do then there has to be boundaries in place. He'll either accept that your boundaries include giving you access to your belongings when he has his meltdowns or he'll move on, mortally wounded. Either way it's not working out very well for you right now.