NC for 4 months with uBPD mom/grandma

[Depression = 72% of members]

The birth of my daughter made something click in me, boundary violations are no longer tolerated.  I don't want toxic or manipulative people in my life, because they would be in my daughters life by proxy.

I have been VLC with my mom for more than 4 years.  There was no grand blow-out, just numerous, systematic, constant boundary violations so I slowly disengaged.  I see my family for holidays (if my mother can manage not to make a circus out of inviting me). That works out to once a year, or less, and I have been OK with that for the past 4 years.  I did not inform family of my pregnancy because I didn't want the stress of a baby shower. Now I am 8 months post-pardum and flooded with hormones, I'm also very tired.  My kid is nearly walking and finally taking long naps, so I have a rare moment when I get to use the internet for something other than ordering diapers.  I've read about some nutty BPD grandparents here - situations where restraining orders are needed.  We hope it does not come to that, but at present are not comfortable with my mother having our address.  She is fixated on reaching me via letter or email, and we have a really long (several novels worth) of history with email and this is where it got us, I blocked her email address and she registered a new one.

She saw the baby on Christmas and we planned to visit on easter, but she "needed" to send a bunny outfit before easter - I blew up and mocked her for that.  Obviously we didn't go for easter, a few weeks later I got the new email from a new account.  She followed up with an benign call asking about the baby, she pretended the email was an "accident" (classic maneuver, she does things she knows are not allowed, then pretends it was an accident - recently this has morphed into pretending that a very simple boundary is confusing.  I'm firm on the no written contact, I'm not at a level of detachment where it would be healthy to get gifts and manipulative letters.  I also firmly feel that if I give an inch on this, she will take a mile.  If I let her send presents for her grandaughter, what is stopping her from showing up at my door?  People have mentioned PO boxes, there has been a pattern of escalation in her letters previously and a clear intent to teach me a lesson, if I don't jump through her hoops, there will be consequences.  She offered to let me have my baby pictures, but she does not want to meet me on neutral ground (and see her grandchild) she wants to mail them.  Clearly seeing her grandchild is a better situation, but she is fixated on writing me and I'm uncomfortable with that.  She tells me I need to let go of "the email thing" and I tell her the same thing back.  It comes down to control and I won't concede that, now that I'm caring for a baby I'm not interested in exposing both of us to crazy circus, I'm sure as heck not saving a box of cards and letters for her.

I've tried to focus on what does work with my mom - short, structured visits.  She is fighting for access to my facebook and address.  I don't think she will ever be happy with what I am willing to give, has anyone managed to have BPD grandparents in their kids live without it turning into a circus?

[nomom4me]

The birth of my daughter made something click in me, boundary violations are no longer tolerated.  I don't want toxic or manipulative people in my life, because they would be in my daughters life by proxy.

I have been VLC with my mom for more than 4 years.  There was no grand blow-out, just numerous, systematic, constant boundary violations so I slowly disengaged.  I see my family for holidays (if my mother can manage not to make a circus out of inviting me). That works out to once a year, or less, and I have been OK with that for the past 4 years.  I did not inform family of my pregnancy because I didn't want the stress of a baby shower. Now I am 8 months post-pardum and flooded with hormones, I'm also very tired.  My kid is nearly walking and finally taking long naps, so I have a rare moment when I get to use the internet for something other than ordering diapers.  I've read about some nutty BPD grandparents here - situations where restraining orders are needed.  We hope it does not come to that, but at present are not comfortable with my mother having our address.  She is fixated on reaching me via letter or email, and we have a really long (several novels worth) of history with email and this is where it got us, I blocked her email address and she registered a new one.

She saw the baby on Christmas and we planned to visit on easter, but she "needed" to send a bunny outfit before easter - I blew up and mocked her for that.  Obviously we didn't go for easter, a few weeks later I got the new email from a new account.  She followed up with an benign call asking about the baby, she pretended the email was an "accident" (classic maneuver, she does things she knows are not allowed, then pretends it was an accident - recently this has morphed into pretending that a very simple boundary is confusing.  I'm firm on the no written contact, I'm not at a level of detachment where it would be healthy to get gifts and manipulative letters.  I also firmly feel that if I give an inch on this, she will take a mile.  If I let her send presents for her grandaughter, what is stopping her from showing up at my door?  People have mentioned PO boxes, there has been a pattern of escalation in her letters previously and a clear intent to teach me a lesson, if I don't jump through her hoops, there will be consequences.  She offered to let me have my baby pictures, but she does not want to meet me on neutral ground (and see her grandchild) she wants to mail them.  Clearly seeing her grandchild is a better situation, but she is fixated on writing me and I'm uncomfortable with that.  She tells me I need to let go of "the email thing" and I tell her the same thing back.  It comes down to control and I won't concede that, now that I'm caring for a baby I'm not interested in exposing both of us to crazy circus, I'm sure as heck not saving a box of cards and letters for her.

I've tried to focus on what does work with my mom - short, structured visits.  She is fighting for access to my facebook and address.  I don't think she will ever be happy with what I am willing to give, has anyone managed to have BPD grandparents in their kids live without it turning into a circus?

[Ziggiddy]

Hi nomom

i understand your feelings about your mother. It seems to change the game plan when a baby is born. For me it was the beginning of truly seeing how bad my own childhood was. I heard a lot of whispering I did to myself which made me really question the shocking things me and my brother (and later my sister) were exposed to.

Having said that I have had quite a bit of success in fostering a reasonably healthy r/ship with grandmother-grandchildren.

As I have taken steps to unenmesh myself she has seen more clearly that I will withdraw them from her presence at  the first sign of shenanigans or violated boundaries. This is more of a draw than you might think. Well at least with my mother.

Babies bring out a good side of them I think but as the babies grow it might cause triggering when they 'move away' from grandma by walking talking etc. Also grandma got quite upset that she couldn't pacify baby as well as my best friend could. That caused a permanent rift between bff and uBPDm.

On the whole it may be possible with careful thought and consideration of your boundaries.

I didn't bother to outline every detail with mother. And in some cases I just out and out ignored silliness. Eg my uBPDm bought a gorgeous mask for my youngest (accompanied by a loonnnggg tale of how hard it was to get how much effort, how many people were inconvenienced etc) Well the little one left it outside despite being reminded some time before to bring it inside. (Memories here of us being strongly disciplined for forgetting things. because children are supposed to be perfect, you know) Anyhow, mother, on returning children after sleepover surreptitiously hands me the mask all wrapped up. Making a great show of hiding it she whispers conspirationally to me to hide it.  I ask if this is some kind of punishment for forgetting to bring it in? She concurs. I shake my head a little, unwrap it and give it back to child.

Point being, it may be possible if you choose your battles!

Good luck. I be curious as to what you decide to do

Ziggiddy