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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: She's moving in across street with neighbor... now what?  (Read 707 times)
mywifecrazy
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« on: August 03, 2014, 06:51:38 AM »

Well intellectually I new it was coming but emotionally I was holding onto hope that it wouldn't.

My uBPDxw hasn't seen our boys for 3 weeks and the first days she sees them she drops this bomb on them. My 14yr old son called me up crying that his Mom is going to move across the street from us with our neighbor. He is hurt and confused. I have had him in counseling for the last 3 months to deal with issues about his Mom. He has told me on several occasions that if she moves in with the neighbor that he doesn't want anything to do with her. I ask him every time if these are HIS feelings. I obviously don't want to see her over there so I want to make sure he's not saying this for my benefit. He says no this is what he feels. He feels that it is a ridiculous situation she is creating and he doesn't want to be involved with our neighbor. He is right this IS ridiculous situation.

Now what:

I told my son that no matter what he decides to do I will support him. If he decides he doesn't want to have anything to do with her I will support him. If he decides to give it a shot and be with his Mom every other weekend at neighbors I will support him. If he decides he will see his Mom every other weekend but not stay at neighbors I will support him. My younger son (9) has gone back and forth with his feelings which is understandable.

I obviously think it is an absolutely pathetic situation she is creating. She abandoned us only a year ago and she only sees kids every other weekend and sometimes not even that. I am not going to make any rash decisions but am going to hope for the best but prepare for the worse. I will be using whatever free time I have to start fixing up my place to get ready to put it on the market for sale. I live with stress and anxiety already on a daily basis for her shacking up across the street I feel that will only intensify when she moves in.

I never in my life realized just how thoughtless, selfish and un empathetic my uBPDxw was. She really had me mindf¥cked for all those years. Now I'm wondering what she may be up to. Will she be trying to get kids back so she go after child support? Not that she wants them as a mother but because she's telling the kids she's running out of money and that's why she's moving in across the street. She screwed herself on settlement because her panties were on fire and she just wanted to get out to be with neighbor (and others I suspect). So the only way to get money out of me now is to get custody and seek child support money. Her Mother and Sister have already said that they will back me up in court if she tries to do this. She has abandoned her family and they only get to see my boys through me.

I'm surprised I'm not floored by this news. I am anxious but not upset. If it weren't for the kids I would love it that she's moving in across the street just so she could see me smiling everyday because the truth about her has set me free. I don't want my kids to deal with this and this it what really hurts me. THEY DONT DESERVE THIS!

I'm putting it in Gods hands as I know I can't get too worried about things out of my control. I will pray for peace and guidance as I contemplate moving or not. I just hate all this for my kids sake.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2014, 10:26:25 AM »

Sounds like you may need to buy some yard signs saying, "private property all trespassers will be shot"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) 

You will have to figure out what your boundaries will be and be prepared to enforce them. Try not to react or create drama while doing so. It sounds like a delicate balancing act.

Perhaps having security cameras in place. I know someone whose ex actually walked around his house with an audio recorder and recorded what she saw through the windows, etc. They had kids together and one of the boys found some. He was only 4 at the time and he put them in his carry bag at his moms. His dad found them when he was with him and played them. It really helped in court.

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« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2014, 11:37:55 AM »

Is it too soon to tell you that the two of them living together will probably turn out to be a good thing? I say this because the closer the relationship, the more she won't be able to hide who she is and the sooner it's likely to blow up. Rather than getting upset get ready to sit back and watch the fireworks.

As for the kids, just validate them. The better they see you taking all of this the less upset they will be. It's going to be hard to ignore how uncomfortable the situation is but over time it'll get easier as you and the kids go about your lives.
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« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2014, 05:52:39 PM »

I missed something, mwc, and forgive me for only following your story from about the middle. Where has your wife been staying? I was aware of her r/s with the neighbor.

Do you have a custody order? It sounds like with her history of abandonment, that she will probably fight a battle she can't win. The fact that she is telling your sons these details smacks of parentification. The kids don't need to know that stuff. She's FOGing them to get to you (not that I get the sense that it will work with you).
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mywifecrazy
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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2014, 06:41:07 PM »

I missed something, mwc, and forgive me for only following your story from about the middle. Where has your wife been staying? I was aware of her r/s with the neighbor.

Do you have a custody order? It sounds like with her history of abandonment, that she will probably fight a battle she can't win. The fact that she is telling your sons these details smacks of parentification. The kids don't need to know that stuff. She's FOGing them to get to you (not that I get the sense that it will work with you).

She has been living in an apartment about 20 minutes away. She started showing up across the street on Christmas   2013. She has been showing up across the street on days when my neighbors kids are not there when they are with there mother as neighbor has 50/50 custody.

Yes divorce and custody settlements are done. I have primary custody (X gets them every other weekend from Fri 5pm Till Sun 8pm. She can also get them for a weeks vacations which she has declined so far. We share legal custody.

She used to get to me but not now. I feel so good that I survived her world that I feel that I could handle anything as long as I'm not with her. I only have stress and anxiety because I hate what this does to our boys (14 & 9). I also hate seeing my kids with the neighbor as he was a friend  and stabbed me in the back. But it's his shame not mine.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2014, 04:30:45 PM »

Wow - some major-league crazy... .

I think everything you're doing and everything your friends here have suggested is right on target, especially the stuff about validating the kids and not letting their mom get under your skin.

I think taking steps to move somewhere else is a good idea, but I wouldn't tell the kids about that til it's real.  Except if they are super-upset and ask about moving you could tell them, "I'm looking for a place and maybe that will happen."

If and when you do move, you might consider filing a motion to keep her from moving closer to your new home.  You might even try that now - see if the court would understand what is going on and how much better it would be if their mom wasn't across the street.

Usually it's best to obey the court order regarding visitation, but in this extreme case I think you're right to let the kids be heard on the subject.  In time you can nudge them toward spending time with their mom but I wouldn't force it now.  If you ever find yourself in court over the issue, you can explain, "The kids were very upset about what she had done and they didn't want to see her and I decided it would be best to hear that."  Given all your ex's behavior I don't think you have any worries about losing custody.

In fact it might be a good time to file a motion now, to take the initiative and let the court know what is going on.  You could ask for visitation to be suspended and for the court to tell her it's not OK to move across the street from you - it's too confusing for the kids and just not sensible.  I don't know what the court would do, but nothing ventured nothing gained.

One more thought:  Maybe you can find a good counselor for the kids, so they have somebody to talk to about all this.  It's a marathon not a sprint - no counselor can fix a situation like this but over time she may be a good resource for them.  (That's what I did when we separated and it was helpful to my kids.)
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« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2014, 04:35:49 PM »

I'm sorry to hear the news MWC. I agree your kids don't deserve this. Your ex is dissociating thinking that it's normal which in itself isn't. Her narcissism a selfish need for her - she doesn't see the collateral damage and effect on 4 people. She's off to fantasyland right now with the neighbor and he should know better as well. She's married a huge red flag.

Having said that - the thing that bothers me with my own situation is the parallel black and white thinking that effects the kids. S14 sounds like he wants to cut her out? I agree he has a right to feel hurt, anger and pain. He's loyal to you and it likely feels like she's hurting you.

How about telling him that maybe we'll come back to this in a couple of weeks or a month about how you feel about mom? A person has good qualities and sometimes they do something that hurts us. It doesn't mean they're all bad does it? Let's see how you feel about mom a little later S14. Or how about therapy and have the T talk about black and white thinking? He is at that age granted when teens tend to think in black / white.
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« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2014, 04:46:22 PM »

How about telling him that maybe we'll come back to this in a couple of weeks or a month about how you feel about mom? A person has good qualities and sometimes they do something that hurts us. It doesn't mean they're all bad does it? Let's see how you feel about mom a little later S14. Or how about therapy and have the T talk about black and white thinking? He is at that age granted when teens tend to think in black / white.

Yes, and kids can pick up behaviors and ways of thinking from their BPD parent - doesn't mean the child has BPD or anything else - it can just be learned behavior.

My ex, in her 50s, throws fits like a six-year-old.  The only adult I've ever known who does that... .

... .except my stepson in his 20s.  He clearly learned it from her.  When I talked with him about that - told him what I saw, and that I thought it was critical that he get control of that behavior - he changed it.  If he had BPD he probably couldn't have done that, but it was learned behavior.

Same thing for my S16 - big fits but we're working on that and it's much better.  Learned behavior, I think, not BPD.

So... .it's possible your S14 has picked up black-and-white thinking and some other bad habits from his mom.  It might even be possible, at the right (quiet) time, to talk with him about that, and he may be able to see it in himself and un-learn it.  And a good counselor could help him with that too.
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« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2014, 05:01:48 PM »

So... .it's possible your S14 has picked up black-and-white thinking and some other bad habits from his mom.  It might even be possible, at the right (quiet) time, to talk with him about that, and he may be able to see it in himself and un-learn it.  And a good counselor could help him with that too.

My apologies if my post suggested S14 is BPD. I didn't suggest it.

~ teens tend to think black / white

~ I agree could pick it up from a BPD parent or even a non disordered person.

Black / white thinking is not inherent to BPD. My point is we all know the collateral damage that kind of thinking can do?
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« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2014, 05:17:47 PM »

So... .it's possible your S14 has picked up black-and-white thinking and some other bad habits from his mom.  It might even be possible, at the right (quiet) time, to talk with him about that, and he may be able to see it in himself and un-learn it.  And a good counselor could help him with that too.

My apologies if my post suggested S14 is BPD. I didn't suggest it.

~ teens tend to think black / white

~ I agree could pick it up from a BPD parent or even a non disordered person.

Black / white thinking is not inherent to BPD. My point is we all know the collateral damage that kind of thinking can do?

Yes - good point.  I have a million example of my kids thinking in black-and-white terms, and I probably did the same thing when I was their age - just immaturity or learned behavior.

(And of course psychologists don't usually diagnose BPD or anything else til the child is 18 or older - lots of "crazy" behavior is just part of being a teenager... .)
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« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2014, 05:18:37 PM »

S14 is seeing a T Has for the past couple of months. Just set up a meeting for this Thurs. He is upset because he wants nothing to do with the neighbor. He not only knows the neighbor betrayed his friendship with his Dad but he also feels betrayed and used by the neighbor. He doesn't want to be put in this position by his Mom to be around this man an have him acting like a fatherly figure even if it's only every other weekend. I always ask him of they are HIS feelings and I emphasize that he doesn't have to do anything to protect his Dad. He gets mad at me for asking him this all the time (not validating his feelings). He feels so strongly about her not being with the neighbor that he wants to tell his Mom that he doesn't want to see her if she goes through with it. He has tried before but she always cries and goes into victim mode. He is also torn because he knows he doesn't have to go but he doesn't want to leave his younger brother there by himself. Their Mom has also put the guilt trip on them that she is broke and has nowhere else to go . She blew all her settlement money in 1 year  

My lawyer said he wouldn't push taking her to court because it may backfire and she could get more custody if she wanted as a judge might think it's convenient with her loving so close. I'm wondering if she may be up to that because she could go after child support money if she can get them more than every other weekend.

My younger S9 seams like he has been brainwashed by her. Out of nowhere he's saying what a good man the neighbor is and that he knows he cares for him    S9 used to hate seeing his mother across the street but has SUDDENLY changed. He's even now saying he likes the fact that Mom and Dad would be so close. He's only 9 he doesn't understand the ramifications. He hasn't seen his Mom in a Month and then after one weekend with her he's saying these things... .it doesn't take a brain surgeon to know what happened there.

I really do want to leave it up to the kids. I want them to base their relationship with their Mom on their feelings and not mine. I have told them both I would support them on whatever they want to do. I'm not going to do anything to keep them from seeing her in whatever capacity they desire. As long as I maintain primary custody I feel that I can offset any of her negatives. But as far as me living across the street, that decision is solely mine and I'm probably going to move. To BIZARRE for me! If it weren't for the kids I would welcome her moving in with the neighbor just so I could watch her transform from Poor helpless Victim into the Black Widow Spider and see him transform from Saviour into Shell of a Man that didnt get the license plate of the BPD Truck that just flattened him.

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2014, 05:27:56 PM »

So there are several things going on here... .

One is, you're getting advice from your lawyer that sounds pretty weak to me.  I wonder if he has any experience in similar cases - "high conflict" cases where the opposing party has BPD or something else.

My suggestion would be to talk with him about that, and ask for "war stories" that show he has either had some success in cases like yours, or even that he lost but learned something.  If he has no experience with high-conflict opponents, he might not know the methods for these cases that are very different from most divorce and custody cases.

Read "Splitting" by William A. Eddy, and his web site, www.HighConflictInstitute.com.  You can see for yourself whether your lawyer knows what he's doing or not, and if not, you might need to find one with experience in cases like yours.

Second, it appears S9 might be experiencing some alienation, and if that takes root, things could get worse.  The best book I know about that is ":)ivorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  Very readable, and the advice is pretty much the opposite of what you may have been told - "If you take the high road it will all sort itself out." - um, no it won't.  (But you don't want to take the low road either.)  If S9 sees a counselor, she might be able to help with this - not take "your side" or make Mom the villain, but support S9 to help him see what is happening and learn to handle it.

Third, there's "leaving it up to the kids" - usually a bad idea, because it's too much pressure on them - you're the dad and you need to make the tough calls.  But I do think, in this situation, with Mom acting like she is, it's reasonable to not force the kids to see her more than they want to, or in a place and around someone they don't feel OK about.

But... .there is some risk that you could be accused of blocking her access to the kids, and you could be the villain.  If you file a motion to bring all this stuff before the court, it will be clear that you are looking for solutions, not just ignoring the court order and blocking Mom's visitation.
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« Reply #12 on: August 04, 2014, 06:35:17 PM »

I understand Matt. My concern would be that a child wants nothing to do with mom. I'll call it splitting black for the lack of a better term and it's not indicative that the son is BPD or implying that he is. I've know people that are non- disordered in my life that have done as such. I'll say my FIL for example and he's likely the healthiest person on ex's side. I have a friend that split me black years ago as well another person I would call non- disordered. FIL split me black 2 years now and my friend for a decade. Perceived or real slights on my part. Am I a bad guy? No. Did it hurt me? You betcha. All of the people as well in my ex's distortion campaign are going along with untruths and heresays that I'm all bad. One went and told me ex has nothing good to say about you yet she keeps her distance. In this case one person affected many - roughly 40. People that don't know any better than listening to the other side of the story. That's the most extreme example anyway.

S14 has feelings attached to the separation and the fallout with mom. What sorts of feelings does he have attached? Resentment, anger, confusion. Maybe he blames himself as well. He's old enough to know better that there's something going on across the street. MCW is his dad. Affairs are excruciatingly painful, I can attest. He doesn't understand and likely the family as to why mom abandoned ship. He could feel feelings of abandonment as well? All negative feelings and he's hurt. I never want to have anything to do with mom again. A quick silver feeling perhaps, likely it will taper off. Maybe he will attach the act to her - mom is bad.

Mom has some good qualities too? I'll use my ex as an example. When she's not dysregulated or feeling anxiety and stress she can be thoughtful towards the kids. She'll put them into groups and activities, take them out to movies and sometimes one on one time etc. You get the point - the white side.

News came in. Mom moved in. It'll take time for everyone to get used to that idea and cool their jets. It triggers feelings in everyone. It would be sad for a child to write a parent off or split them black (loose term) wouldn't  it? As I said, it's something I would curb with my kids but I'd give them a little time to calm down. Revisit how they feel then.

MCW you know your ex best. I don't know if she's a person that is detrimentally bad to the kids, alcoholism, drugs, illegal activities, physical abuse. You know her best. I hope I made made myself clear on splitting someone black from a non disordered person. I hope that makes sense.
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« Reply #13 on: August 04, 2014, 06:58:22 PM »

S14 has feelings attached to the separation and the fallout with mom. What sorts of feelings does he have attached? Resentment, anger, confusion. Maybe he blames himself as well. He's old enough to know better that there's something going on across the street. MCW is his dad. Affairs are excruciatingly painful, I can attest. He doesn't understand and likely the family as to why mom abandoned ship. He could feel feelings of abandonment as well? All negative feelings and he's hurt. I never want to have anything to do with mom again. A quick silver feeling perhaps, likely it will taper off. Maybe he will attach the act to her - mom is bad.

So there's "I don't want to see Mom right now." and there's "I never want to see Mom again."  One might be pretty valid under the circumstances, and I would be reluctant to tell a 9-year-old or 14-year-old that they have to see someone who is making bizarre choices that are hurtful to the kids;  even more so if she insists on seeing them in the house across the street, with her new boyfriend who the kids might not trust.

The other statement - "never" - is surely a black-and-white statement.

As adult we have lots of these.  I could say, "I avoid my ex." but I wouldn't say "I never want to see her again under any circumstances."  I could say "She sometimes throws fits." but I wouldn't say "She's never reasonable."

Helping the kids see the difference - encouraging them to speak up about their feelings and their very reasonable choices, but not to fall into black-and-white thinking - could be a good outcome of what's going on right now - maybe the kids will come out of this able to express their choices, their perceptions, and their feelings, and also able to see how reality tends to be shades of gray... .
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« Reply #14 on: August 04, 2014, 09:08:54 PM »

Wow - some major-league crazy... .

MWC, what a blow. I honestly cannot imagine what this would be like.

Honestly, this really is the big league. Do you have a therapist? It's great if your kids have a counselor who can help them manage their feelings, but a good T could also help you help them manage their feelings. Plus your own!

One thing I did is that I rushed S13 through some legitimately angry feelings he had toward his dad. N/BPDx did something intended to hurt me and it backfired big time. I worked with my T to help S13 (and me) work through stuff, and when S13 hit the boiling point, I got worried and quickly pointed out that I forgave his dad. My T said I moved way too fast -- that S13's anger was legitimate, and it took me years and years to get to a place of forgiveness, but then I went and expected S13 could get there in a couple of days.

That's what is so tricky about this stuff. We want to validate our kids, if they feel anger we want them to feel ok expressing it, but then we don't want them to become hateful, or resort to BPD type behaviors like black and white, and around and around we go. When our own feelings are caught up in it -- and I don't know how they couldn't be -- it's almost like we overcompensate to spare our kids. It's hard to know where the safe zone is.

Having a T help you with this at least during the transition might go a long way.
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« Reply #15 on: August 05, 2014, 12:12:00 AM »

Update:

I broke down and and suspended NC and called my UBPDXW as I thought it warranted it.

She was a little edgy at first and was raising her voice and dropped a few F-Bombs. But I calmed her down by keeping calm and keeping my voice low and pointing out that I'm not cussing and I'm not arguing with her. God it was hard but it worked. We actually talked for 2 Hrs. We were able to own up to things we both did in the marriage to hurt each other which was nice and felt healthy. But that is for another thread... .now about the kids.

She confirmed that it is inevitable that she will be moving in with the neighbor as she has no other options as she is broke. I believe her as she RIPPED through the settlement money in one year but that is HIS problem now. So I calmly told her how unhealthy that is for the boys and IF (Big If) I decide to stay what could we do to make it palatable for the kids to do the least amount of damage? What if the boys want to see her but not stay overnight? (She said yes). What if boys wanted to see her but not see him (she said yes). What if they wanted to see her but not even go to neighbors, like have her come visit at my place (she said yes... .I'm not sure I like this one but I was just feeling her out  ). I know that a BPD's WORDS are not worth much but for now it's what I have to go on.  She said their plan is to sell the house when they get some equity built into it. This is a crock as he's NEVER going to sell that place as it's a hunters paradise and that's his thing. I told her that by her doing this she's forcing me to move and in moving I'm losing some of my financial stability to put money away for kids college as she can't help at all. She told me I didn't have to move... . told her that's easy to say from her side of the street.  Smiling (click to insert in post) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

In reality I'm still feeling like moving is the best option for me but at least I was able to suck it up and try to hash out a plan to move towards a peaceful settlement for the interim. I suggested that we sit down with our sons to show them that we're both willing to work together to make things easier for them.

I'm wondering if the best thing is for me to practice RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. I mean I'm happy she's not with ME so I should be glad he took her off my hands right? I'm financially secure they are not right? I have the kids primary custody right? I'm still on the drivers seat right? Maybe I just need to lower some of my pride? Not sure but the Bottom line is that I want to make this as easy as I can for my sons. I love them more than anything! I swallowed enough $hit over the last year, what's a little more, at least until I'm ready to move. My kids HAVE to come first!

MWC... .Being cool (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #16 on: August 05, 2014, 12:14:46 AM »

PS.when we were talking I was able to ask a lot of probing questions about how she feels and some of her inner feelings. She's definitely BPD... .I have NO feelings for her other than sadness that she has to deal with herself.
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
david
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« Reply #17 on: August 05, 2014, 07:50:03 AM »

I would keep moving as an option. It may be a good idea to get things in order but wait a few months after she moved in to see how it works.

I have a 15 and 11 year old. Ex left in 2007 and she had both kids convinced I was a monster. It took about a year for the oldest (then 9) to figure things out. It took the youngest over twice that time. Ex had a grip on him but she really didn't listen to him. She doesn't know how. That was what eventually helped our youngest to figure things out. He still defends some of his moms actions but not as strongly.

If you can figure out boundaries that work then staying put may be a valid solution. Allowing her to come over is probably not a good idea. If she really has BPD she may interpret that very differently then you would.

I know I wouldn't want to live across from my ex because she would create situations to try to get reactions from me. I wouldn't bite but our kids would be exposed to it and that is not acceptable. Your ex may be different in that respect.
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Matt
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« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2014, 10:00:45 AM »

What I would suggest - for both your kids and for you - is boundaries and structure.  Both will be harder living across the street from your ex.

Structure might mean, for example, a very regular schedule, like for example if the kids are with her every weekend from noon Saturday to noon Sunday, or whatever.  So they can count on it - it's predictable - and they can find ways to make it work.  (I say they can find ways to make it work - with your help - because you can't expect their mom to make it good for them.)

Structure might also mean you work out with her that it's OK for her to call them in the evenings, between 6:00 and 8:00 (or whenever makes sense for you all), for 20 minutes max.  It might mean that when they are with her that other guy shouldn't be around.  Or whatever you and the boys decide will work for them.  It can also mean good structure around your house, even when their mom isn't around or involved.

Boundaries will mean very clear "rules" - not rules you impose on their mom but rules you impose on yourself - how you will handle specific situations.  "If she does X then I will do Y."  "If she calls after 8:00 p.m. I will tell the kids not to pick it up."  "If she tells them negative things about me I will suspend contact til I'm sure that won't happen again." etc. - whatever very clear boundaries you believe are right.

For me, one of my key boundaries is "If she calls and speaks inappropriately to me - accusations, threats, blame - I will hang up the phone and I won't answether if she calls back."  Til I got that right, and made it consistent, she was in my face way too much - a huge problem.  Once I committed to that boundary, that problem ended.  Sometimes you form boundaries based on problems you already have, but ideally you figure them out before it becomes a problem.

I think this will all be much harder with your ex living across the street, with that guy - she has already shown she has no respect for your space and no concern for what is best for the kids.  I would suggest you avoid more intimate conversations like the one you had yesterday - it may be good that you worked some things out but staying close to her like that probably won't work.  I would also suggest you not have her in your home at all - too many things that can go wrong in those situations - she can come to believe you have an interest in her, she can decide she is a part of your "family", she can get mad and violent, or accuse you of something, and the kids might be confused by it.  Keep her at arms length, in every sense.

If you move, you might want to consider asking the court to order her not to move within, say, a mile of you.  It might never happen, but she clearly can't take a hint, and it wouldn't surprise me if she suddenly found a great apartment close to your new home.  I've been at peace with my kids' mom for several years now, and one of the reasons is we live a few miles apart and rarely see each other, or even talk on the phone;  almost all our communication is by e-mail.  That helps a lot - distance in every sense - physical, emotional, etc.
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david
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« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2014, 09:36:25 PM »

I have found that email communication worked best for me. There was no longer any changes in the story since it was all in print. No misinterpretation in an email. I mean that a judge or any reasonable person would interpret what was written in the email the same way. My ex has interpreted things differently but has learned, after several trips to court, that x means x and y means y.

When she misinterprets she has found that there are consequences she doesn't like. It's the same as when a child learns that making stories up doesn't work on adults. Ex still lies in her emails but they are more transparent and easy to see in an email.
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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2014, 11:56:06 AM »

Is it too soon to tell you that the two of them living together will probably turn out to be a good thing? I say this because the closer the relationship, the more she won't be able to hide who she is and the sooner it's likely to blow up. Rather than getting upset get ready to sit back and watch the fireworks.

Yes I wholeheartedly agree with you. If it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even contemplate moving. He has sealed is own fate by playing the rescuer... .AS I DID!  The only question is how thick is the FOG he's in and how long before the chameleon reveals herself.

MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Riggins4210

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« Reply #21 on: August 12, 2014, 08:04:32 PM »



Yes I wholeheartedly agree with you. If it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even contemplate moving. He has sealed is own fate by playing the rescuer... .AS I DID!  The only question is how thick is the FOG he's in and how long before the chameleon reveals herself.

MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)[/quote]
I just want you go know that you are one strong, unbreakable individual. I am amazed at your ability to weather this storm, your focus on your two wonderful boys and your inner strength.

You are an example to us all of what it takes to handle and confront a situation like this head-on.

Riggins4210

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mywifecrazy
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Picking myself off the canvas for the last time!


« Reply #22 on: August 12, 2014, 09:13:31 PM »

Yes I wholeheartedly agree with you. If it weren't for the kids I wouldn't even contemplate moving. He has sealed is own fate by playing the rescuer... .AS I DID!  The only question is how thick is the FOG he's in and how long before the chameleon reveals herself.

MWC Being cool (click to insert in post)

I just want you go know that you are one strong, unbreakable individual. I am amazed at your ability to weather this storm, your focus on your two wonderful boys and your inner strength.

You are an example to us all of what it takes to handle and confront a situation like this head-on.

Riggins4210[/quote]
Your too kind Riggins (Is that a Redskin Runningback reference?) but thanks for the kind words. Honestly... And I don't mean to preach or offend anyone but it is my faith in God through Jesus that gives me the strength to deal with this. My support group Celebrate Recovery and the Brothers I have there have helped me weather the storm. Also my Brothers (Like You) on BPD family that are on here openly sharing their stories has kept me sane and CIVIL throughout the last 14 months. If it weren't for the education and support I received here and at Celebrate Recovery I would be in jail by now for assaulting my neighbor.

It's funny because as my situation got harder and harder with my Ex leaving, then showing up periodically across the street to now moving in there I have grown stronger and stronger. I now know that she is just a very sick person and it was NEVER about me. She will turn on the neighbor too. I just need to move for my boys emotional stability. It's bad enough to know what she's doing but to see it on a daily basis is too much to ask of a. 9 & 14 year old. I really want to get as far away from her world too... .I've had enough of the being on the BPD INSANE TRAIN... .I want off this ride NOW!

Thanks again... .MWC  Being cool (click to insert in post)
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The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. (Psalm 34:18, 19)
Riggins4210

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« Reply #23 on: August 13, 2014, 11:28:10 AM »



Your too kind Riggins (Is that a Redskin Runningback reference?) but thanks for the kind words. [/quote]
It is a Redskin reference to John Riggins - as is 4210 - the score of the '87 SuperBowl against the Broncos. I still remember my father yelling "Run you S.O.B. run" when Riggins scored that 42 yard touchdown run on 4th and 1 against the Dolphins.

I hope to one day get to that point like you have where I come to terms with what happened.

I have always been loyal to a fault - to my employers, friends, family.

I must learn to accept the duality that those with BPD live with.

All the best

Riggins
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