where to begin

[missmoose]

hi

I am new to this site and how stuff works. I am trying to find out how to help my family begin dealing better with a spouse/parent who we believe has BPD.

I am writing on behalf of my mom who has yet to join this site as she doesn't want her husband to know she thinks there is something wrong with him- though most of the family can see there is something wrong. basically we believe he might have always had BPD but never showed signs till about 6 years ago. after looking at this site my mom can trace back glimpses of BPD tendancies since marrying him but would have never really known he had any problems till a move several years ago that seemed to trigger it. now she is trying to figure out how to cope with him.

She loves him no question and has no problem staying with him and trying to work things out (she has had a wonderful 25+ years with him being "normal" ) however what complicates it is she still has several kids at home. she constantly has to referee stuff between them. but things seem a little better once we talked to the kids and explained that maybe their dad has BPD and it isn't because he hates them and it is a mental disorder. so they are able to distance their emotions better.

(he has not been diagnosed and he has no idea that we think he has this. if he did he would never believe us, would try and turn us against our mom and first think we hate him, are ganging up on him, and be crushed all at the same time and who knows what would happen then)

so my mom is trying to find the balance between helping spouse without him knowing, helping the kids understand and trying to function when spouse becomes severely controlling. one of the ways is financially - he is slowly digging them into a hole and my mom has no control over it. so how or what can she do when no one knows he has a problem but us? she can't just take control of the accounts he won't let her. so what is she to do?

She doesn't want to leave him cause it would split the family apart and she would rather try and live with him being controlling and aweful but still catch glimpses of the old him rather than leave, splitting the family and potentially never seeing him again with no hope of him getting better?

Not sure what to do and feel its a hopeless situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Welcome missmoose

Is your mum reading this along with you?

The things that need to be dealt with will go quite deep and involve a lot of self reflection and facing some hard truths about herself, and this will be difficult to achieve via 3rd person. Hopefully she will join herself as the level of personal bonding here can feel like a lifesaver.

Most of what you describe is very common and not in the least unique.

One of the things that your mum will need to learn is to get away from "fixing him" to "fixing herself'. Then fixing him starts to evolve, if at all, as a flow on from regaining your own self first. Recovery, or at least coping, starts with us.

How old are the kids, as this has a great influence on the complexity involved.

There are likely a lot of codependency issues to be confronted also.

I am sure there are a lot of folks here who can kick start you off in the right direction one small step at a time

Waverider

[formflier]

 

Missmoose,

Welcome to the site. 

I'll join waverider in encouraging you to get your mom to read this and to get her own log in.

Can you describe the situation about how you mom doesn't think she can have her own account because it will be found out?  Maybe we can help.  Is she computer savy?  Does she have a laptop.