Keep falling for fantasy...

[willy45]

Why do I do this? I keep falling for the fantasy that she isn't psycho. Why?

[Blimblam]

wily,

I suggest rereading the 10 beliefs.

for me it was the belief that love prevails. Validating the worth of my love through another person. Remembering how I felt what I believed she saw in me.

[myself]

She isn't all bad, and you've seen enough of it to keep you hooked.

It's like you're hungry, and you have a chance to eat a crap sandwich, thinking it must be kind of good for you since there are some vegetables in it, too. Your taste buds, in reality, will know the truth.

Plus, hanging on seems easier in many ways than letting go?   

[elessar]

She isn't all bad, and you've seen enough of it to keep you hooked.

Because you crave, like most of us, the idealization phase because nothing in our life has felt as good as when they idealize us and we become their knights and saviors. It feels good to be needed.

We have to learn what is a healthy relationship. The ice-cream of a BPD might feel amazing, but it is killing us. The brocolli of a healthy woman might not be alluring, but it is good for us. Too many of us men complain why do so many women go for the bad boys. We must stop going after these alluring, seductive, attractive girls and give the good girls a chance. That is healthy for us.

[trappedinlove]

She isn't all bad, and you've seen enough of it to keep you hooked.

Because you crave, like most of us, the idealization phase because nothing in our life has felt as good as when they idealize us and we become their knights and saviors. It feels good to be needed.

We have to learn what is a healthy relationship. The ice-cream of a BPD might feel amazing, but it is killing us. The brocolli of a healthy woman might not be alluring, but it is good for us. Too many of us men complain why do so many women go for the bad boys. We must stop going after these alluring, seductive, attractive girls and give the good girls a chance. That is healthy for us.

I'm in a relationship now with a healthy woman and it feels great indeed.

But I still miss and crave and ruminate and obsess about my uBPDxso.

Nothing still compares to the the level of intensity and depth of the connection I felt with her.

I miss her a lot and still sad to have lost her in my life.  It's an essential part of grieving I guess.

[Tibbles]

I know what that feels like. For me I so desperately wanted to stay with my husband - the normal man is such a lovely, gently caring person who is my best friend and who I wanted to be married to forever. I clung to that fantasy that he wasn't that bad for so long because I couldn't say good-bye to him. But eventually I accepted the reality - that man has all but disappeared and all that is left is a crazy man.  So hard to give up the fantasy of the life I wanted with him. So scary too.

[LettingGo14]

Why do I do this? I keep falling for the fantasy that she isn't psycho. Why?

Willy -- I write again as a friend who has been with you on this journey.

Why must you tell yourself that you "keep falling" for anything.

Now, my friend, is the time to stop.   You have agency here.   You can accept your attraction to her.   You can stop ruminating on it.   You can stop beating yourself up.

Now is the time to heal, Willy.  You will not heal as long as you indulge the "falling" metaphor.  Turn your attention inward.   Find it within yourself to accept and allow.  To heal.

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks man. I really appreciate it.

I guess what I mean by 'falling for it', is falling into this imagination world that is my own. It has nothing to do with her. I own that. I get that. No matter how much data I have, no matter how much information I have, I keep falling down that wormhole. It is of my own doing.

I was doing really great before I talked to her. Really was. Relationship was going well. Work was going well. Was in good spirits. Now I am back in the pits. I know I sound like a broken letter.

It is like every time I am about to make it out the other side, she amps up the contact. Every single friggin' time. And I keep falling for it. I hate it.

[elessar]

Willy,

she will do it till she has someone else. we know that. the moment she does, you will be left alone. the moment the new person stops being perfect, you will hear from her.

the common message on these boards or any where else on the internet is that them talking to u after leaving u has never ended well. yet so many of us allow ourselves to reply to them. we must ask ourselves why.

Trappedinlove,

what scares me the most is that i might not be able to get over her, and as such not experience a healthy relationship with someone else. i am happy you are with a healthy person. i don't think i can be with someone else if my ex is still in my head. with her being in my head for half my existence on this planet, it scares the hell out of me if she will ever get out of it.

[trappedinlove]

Trappedinlove,

what scares me the most is that i might not be able to get over her, and as such not experience a healthy relationship with someone else. i am happy you are with a healthy person. i don't think i can be with someone else if my ex is still in my head. with her being in my head for half my existence on this planet, it scares the hell out of me if she will ever get out of it.

Without hijacking willie's thread, it took me a loot of time and work to be able to form a healthy relationship. I would either feel emotionally numb or, unbelievably, betraying her, guilty, anxious, etc. Yet I tried to learn from every failed attempt and apply my lessons next time. Eventually, what really helped this time, on top of the good match, common interests, attraction and so on, was the great level of honesty and trust between us that allowed me to share the complexity of where I am at, emotionally, and to get my gf's full support and understanding.

[willy45]

Oof. Feel free to take over the thread! We are all in this together!

I just had a good cry and feel much more clear. I guess I just need to do that over and over again. I can see clearly again. Will probably just need to do that again and again.

[seeking balance]

It is like every time I am about to make it out the other side, she amps up the contact. Every single friggin' time. And I keep falling for it. I hate it.

Maybe you should start where you are Willy.  Accept you are weak and protect yourself. 

I think Mutt was pretty clear in his advice and BlimBlam gave you a tool to use... .10 False Beliefs.

Simply, you have not been done and until you are done, you will continue doing your part of the dance... .that is on you, not her.  Discipline is like a muscle, it must be worked out to get stronger... .practice discipline.

[elessar]

Willy, are you afraid that if you finally draw a boundary that she cannot break... .that she will finally leave you forever? and the tiny hope you have that she will come back all changed will be extinguished?

here is what i told my ex for years - "you have an emotionally abusive and controlling family. you spent years of your life complaining about it. but you do not take any steps to change it. you do not stand for yourself. you still live with them. you follow everything they say. so when they have all the control over you, why will they ever change?"

this is the same advice I am giving myself, an advice I didn't follow. Maybe this advice will be applicable to you too. if you "fall" for it (like I do), there is no reason why she wouldn't keep trying to do it again and again. she thinks "hopefully someday my parents will change". I think "hopefully someday she will change". we spend too much time hoping how others are going to be. no one should tell anyone whom they should talk to and when. but if you want to stop falling, try not talking till you are at a stage where you know talking to her will not affect you. right now it is on her terms. convert it so that it is going to be on yours terms. in January 2011 I told myself "this time around it will be on my terms". Obviously I failed in my efforts. But tell yourself that that you are in charge. Your will power is in charge.

[trappedinlove]

Oof. Feel free to take over the thread! We are all in this together!

I just had a good cry and feel much more clear. I guess I just need to do that over and over again. I can see clearly again. Will probably just need to do that again and again.

Thanks for letting me in Willy.

What helps me when I find myself "back in the game" is letting go of guilt and shame on my part.

I try not to judge myself and not beat myself up for not being able to detach and get over the past.

I let myself ruminate and fantasize knowing it's part of the healing process. It's ok that it's not linear. Ups and downs and cycles and setbacks are part of that process.

There's nothing wrong with me for having a crisis. Or maybe a little  but I'm proud of it!

Well it isn't wrong, maybe a bit atypical... .we can feel strongly and that comes with a price which I'm willing to pay... .

Anyhow, mindfully watching this wave taking control momentarily over my psyche and then passing through, over and around me, I know the wave will pass and the sooner I let go of it and accept it for what it is, the sooner and easier it would pass.

[willy45]

Yeah. It's true.

I think what I have to let go of is:

1) the idea that we can be together and live happily ever after;

2) the idea that we can get back to a place where we feel safe and happy and loved (it never existed);

3) the idea that she is well, emotionally and mentally, and that she has the capacity to care about me (she doesn't... .I don't need any more data about this);

4) the idea that I will be able to convince her that she contributed to the demise of our relationship and that she has the capacity to get help (she won't).

5) the idea that if I explain to her well enough why her constant contact keeps hurting me, that she will stop (she won't).

6) the idea that we can be 'best friends' (I can't... .have no idea how she can but we all know this is a disordered person so who knows).

I don't really want this person in my life at all. I really don't. The greatest peace I've had over the past 2 years are the moments when I think to myself (It's OVER! She has stopped contacting me!). And honestly, those moments have felt great.

I clearly do not have the capacity to sit there and watch my phone explode with phone calls day in and day out and not be affected by it. That doesn't mean I haven't 'detached'. It means that it wears me down. All my defences become undone. All my work and effort, gone. I guess that is why stalking is illegal. It does cause mental anguish and pain and is very destructive.

So, my only way forward is to change my phone number. Move forward. I have to mourn and grieve again to get to that place again. Sucks. I've done this over and over and over again.

[LettingGo14]

So, my only way forward is to change my phone number.

Just for reference, there are alternative ways to move forward:

1. Remove all power you give to her.  She's a human being. 

2. Desensitize yourself to the past by widening your lens.  You have a good job and friends and have had new relationships.  What is now is now, what is past is past.

3. Give yourself some credit for the work you've done.   I have plenty of people in my past who I have let go of, and I am sure you do too.  You can add her to the list.

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks man. I've tried that approach and it doesn't work for me. I fold every time as per my history. If I'm going to break it off again and for good, I need to destroy every mechanism she has to contact me. That is within my power. I need time to heal and I need to feel like the crack dealer isn't going to be knocking at my door in 2 or 3 months time.

[elessar]

I need to feel like the crack dealer isn't going to be knocking at my door in 2 or 3 months time.

If the crack dealer knocks at your door in 2-3 months and you do not open it, or if you just say that you are not interested and close the door, you would have won.

[willy45]

Yeah. But I have done that. I have answered no, I don't want anything thank you. Crack dealer still knocks on the door. It isn't the crack that I'm worried about. It's the knock. I can't live in peace knowing it is always going to happen.

I know myself. Removing the actual temptation is the only thing that is going to work for me. All this other stuff doesn't. I don't want to start feeling bad about myself just because this is a problem for me. It's been 2 YEARS of this. Over 2 years now. Trust me. I've tried what you are all advocating. And it hasn't worked. I set firm boundaries. And she doesn't care. And she pushes and pushes and pushes until I crack. I obviously need to do something different. I have let go. I have mourned. I have grieved. I have gone to therapy. I have done everything. Might have worked for some of you. I have ignored her for months on end. Still, she keeps knocking and knocking and knocking. I can't live like this for another 2 years. It is just part of the pattern of abuse. And it wears me down. Just sitting and meditating on letting go and not responding is in and of itself not letting go. If I don't have the constant trigger, I will not have to be constantly triggered. I don't have to constantly fear that my life is going to fall apart if I mistakenly pick up the phone. Doing nothing about this in a concrete way is not working for me.

[Blimblam]

Yeah. But I have done that. I have answered no, I don't want anything thank you. Crack dealer still knocks on the door. It isn't the crack that I'm worried about. It's the knock. I can't live in peace knowing it is always going to happen.

I know myself. Removing the actual temptation is the only thing that is going to work for me. All this other stuff doesn't. I don't want to start feeling bad about myself just because this is a problem for me. It's been 2 YEARS of this. Over 2 years now. Trust me. I've tried what you are all advocating. And it hasn't worked. I set firm boundaries. And she doesn't care. And she pushes and pushes and pushes until I crack. I obviously need to do something different. I have let go. I have mourned. I have grieved. I have gone to therapy. I have done everything. Might have worked for some of you. I have ignored her for months on end. Still, she keeps knocking and knocking and knocking. I can't live like this for another 2 years. It is just part of the pattern of abuse. And it wears me down. Just sitting and meditating on letting go and not responding is in and of itself not letting go. If I don't have the constant trigger, I will not have to be constantly triggered. I don't have to constantly fear that my life is going to fall apart if I mistakenly pick up the phone. Doing nothing about this in a concrete way is not working for me.

ok good then you know what you need to do to create the space for you to heal

[elessar]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I have been trying for 3 years and 1 day since she accused me of abandoning her. I have been trying for 8 years 3 months since she first left me. So you can see it hasn't worked for me emotionally. Even those 4 years when she was gone, I never dated or went out with a girl. I made the mistake of letting her in. Heck, she contacted me with a different profile. You can't prevent them from contacting you if they know your email or social network accounts. I guess strength is knowing what will happen when they contact us. After coming to these boards 18 months back, I was quite strong. And she finally cracked me last month. So don't be hard on yourself. Some of us are in the same boat as you. It really sucks that you have to live in fear that she will contact. Over last 4 years every time she painted me black, I thought this is it, never hearing from her again. This time around is the first time I am thinking I will hear from her again, and who knows... .maybe I never will.

If you live in stress about hearing from her, that stress might not go. Us telling you to "try" doesn't help you. We all try. No one wants to be miserable. But I am hoping you reach that point where you can withstand that knock on the door and not get affected. You are not ready, and that is okay. But I hope you reach that destination where the knock doesn't bother you.

[seeking balance]

So, my only way forward is to change my phone number. Move forward. I have to mourn and grieve again to get to that place again. Sucks. I've done this over and over and over again.

You have not changed your number over and over again - have you?

[willy45]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the support. I changed my number once put my new number on my website which she got. So, no. I haven't changed my number over and over again. That's a great point. I am obviously still hanging on. Don't understand why... .I find myself making excuses for not changing my number but at the end of the day, I need to take responsibility for my mental health.