Confused, hurt, betrayed.. stay or go?

[Depression = 72% of members]

A little background: Together for 10months (mostly long distance) until this past June. Everything was great, no fights, nothing. Very comfortable relationship.

Okay so at the end of June my ex girlfriend decides to break up with me out of the blue. I think it was sparked by a simple missed call when she was at the airport heading back to work on the East Coast (we were long distance) I did manage to call her back and she seemed really apathetic towards me and a little mad. Couple days later she calls me crying saying she needs to be independent at this time in her life but when she is ready she wants to be with me. So I believe her words and give her some space, yet she still calls me almost everyday saying she misses me and still loves me. In the back of my mind I had a feeling that there might be someone else.

So just a couple weeks ago she comes to visit again. We hang out and manage to fall into our old habits of being intimate and things sort of feel like we are back together again. A few days into her stay here I find out that about a week after we break up she started to pursue this other guy, or he started to pursue her, not sure who did the pursuing. She mentioned that he has had a crush on her for some time (he is on the East Coast where she works) They have been platonic friends for awhile now. After I confronted her about the evidence I found she seemed really upset and confessed that they did kiss and nothing else, but I'm still unsure that it was just kissing. She told me that she liked the attention from him and that she had trouble controlling her impulses. She compared it to a drug addict needing drugs. She went on and said how it boosted her self-esteem and how it was hard to resist someone who found her worthwhile. It upsets me to think that the love and attention I gave her wasn't enough. She also mentioned that she doesn't see a future with this guy at all and will stop since she knows that she loves me.

It hurts that she was hiding this from me so well, I couldn't tell at all. As soon as I confronted her about it, her whole outlook on this guy changed drastically and his personality became stiff and awkward in her eyes now, and says the whole situation was really stupid. I have read in other posts about BPD and the lack of impulse control, seeking attention, and low self-esteem leads partners to cheating. Although we weren't together at the moment, it still kind of feels like she cheated on me. I have always had my suspicions that she had some mental disorder. Either it being bi-polar or BPD. Her moods were so up and down. Some days I felt so loved and appreciated, others... not so much. I have come to realize that she has never been single for more than 3-4 months at a time and she told me she likes being with someone and is still in contact with most of her ex's if not all.

We still talk and hang out while she is here and are still working through this. She seems to be remorseful about the whole situation by also seems as though it all never happend. I told her I wouldn't give her another chance if this happend again and I am not afraid of moving on although I do love her. She also seems really scared of me meeting someone else if I do move on and gets jealous at any girls showing me the slightest attention. It is weird. She leaves again in a week for the East Coast and I am afraid that she might do this again but hide it from me since she did a good job of it this time. She keeps trying to reassure me that it won't happen again and that I shouldn't worry, but I will. I love this girl and she is such a sweet person besides this whole ordeal. Not sure if this is really her or an undiagnosed disorder controlling her actions.

Would really like to know what you all think. All advice and insight are welcome.

Thanks!

[maybe2morrow]

A little background: Together for 10months (mostly long distance) until this past June. Everything was great, no fights, nothing. Very comfortable relationship.

Okay so at the end of June my ex girlfriend decides to break up with me out of the blue. I think it was sparked by a simple missed call when she was at the airport heading back to work on the East Coast (we were long distance) I did manage to call her back and she seemed really apathetic towards me and a little mad. Couple days later she calls me crying saying she needs to be independent at this time in her life but when she is ready she wants to be with me. So I believe her words and give her some space, yet she still calls me almost everyday saying she misses me and still loves me. In the back of my mind I had a feeling that there might be someone else.

So just a couple weeks ago she comes to visit again. We hang out and manage to fall into our old habits of being intimate and things sort of feel like we are back together again. A few days into her stay here I find out that about a week after we break up she started to pursue this other guy, or he started to pursue her, not sure who did the pursuing. She mentioned that he has had a crush on her for some time (he is on the East Coast where she works) They have been platonic friends for awhile now. After I confronted her about the evidence I found she seemed really upset and confessed that they did kiss and nothing else, but I'm still unsure that it was just kissing. She told me that she liked the attention from him and that she had trouble controlling her impulses. She compared it to a drug addict needing drugs. She went on and said how it boosted her self-esteem and how it was hard to resist someone who found her worthwhile. It upsets me to think that the love and attention I gave her wasn't enough. She also mentioned that she doesn't see a future with this guy at all and will stop since she knows that she loves me.

It hurts that she was hiding this from me so well, I couldn't tell at all. As soon as I confronted her about it, her whole outlook on this guy changed drastically and his personality became stiff and awkward in her eyes now, and says the whole situation was really stupid. I have read in other posts about BPD and the lack of impulse control, seeking attention, and low self-esteem leads partners to cheating. Although we weren't together at the moment, it still kind of feels like she cheated on me. I have always had my suspicions that she had some mental disorder. Either it being bi-polar or BPD. Her moods were so up and down. Some days I felt so loved and appreciated, others... not so much. I have come to realize that she has never been single for more than 3-4 months at a time and she told me she likes being with someone and is still in contact with most of her ex's if not all.

We still talk and hang out while she is here and are still working through this. She seems to be remorseful about the whole situation by also seems as though it all never happend. I told her I wouldn't give her another chance if this happend again and I am not afraid of moving on although I do love her. She also seems really scared of me meeting someone else if I do move on and gets jealous at any girls showing me the slightest attention. It is weird. She leaves again in a week for the East Coast and I am afraid that she might do this again but hide it from me since she did a good job of it this time. She keeps trying to reassure me that it won't happen again and that I shouldn't worry, but I will. I love this girl and she is such a sweet person besides this whole ordeal. Not sure if this is really her or an undiagnosed disorder controlling her actions.

Would really like to know what you all think. All advice and insight are welcome.

Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Rapt Reader]

Hello, maybe2morrow & 

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with something that feels like a betrayal; whether your Ex (or current?) girlfriend is BPD or not, it's a very painful thing to have to deal with. It sounds like she's trying to make it work with you, but your suspicions and hesitance to trust her again (which is understandable) is getting in the way of that for you. I do know how that feels, and it's very difficult to get over.

Have you had the chance to read some of the information on this site regarding BPD? We have a couple of Articles that can give you some insights into BPD if you are curious if she would be diagnosed with that or not (or maybe have some BPD traits): Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and Article 3: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective. Whether BPD applies to her or not, be sure to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page to learn about difficult relationships, or difficult situations in relationships, in order to try to make things better.

There is always the chance that your girlfriend is having a hard time with a long-distance relationship, or she is torn between you and the other guy, or she is sincerely wanting to stay with you and is sincere about not continuing with the other fellow... .It's really up to you to decide if you can come to the place in your heart to trust her again, or if this other guy will become a sticking point for you too painful to get over. Keep posting your questions, and reading all you can on this site. Hopefully with more understanding of BPD you will figure out if she is suffering from that and specific communication tools would be good for you to work this out with her. Or if she's just a normal woman struggling with her feelings right now--or not struggling but having a hard time convincing you that she is trustworthy... .

Regardless of the truth that you turn up, we are here to help you, maybe2morrow