Why can't they see their criticizms as what they are?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Here is my example.  If I just answer a question with mmm-hmmm, I'm asked to re-answer, if I say YES, then I'm sarcastic.  If I say yeah (which I rarely say) then it depends on how irritated he is with me and if he's chastising me for something if that answer is good enough.  God forbid I say "I suppose" or "I guess" or "sure" instead of what he desires.  I'm being "directed" and recently I told him I'm tired of it and he, of course, raged.  I seriously can't be directed every step of every day and everything that comes out of my mouth.  I quit talking but that makes him mad, too.  I get to the point where my sarcasm comes out and I say "YES, SIR" after he's corrected me a couple of times.  He hates that, too.  I know I shouldn't do that, but at a certain point, I can't continue to lose myself.  He denies he's correcting me and even will deny he did it.  I caught him in a gaslight and was able to prove it the other night because he messed up and wasn't as careful.  You should have seen how flustered he got and how he all of sudden started almost begging me to listen to him instead of demanding me to "look at him" and "dont' look at him that way" and "why aren't you smiling" and "you should be grateful because I'm a good man"... .  Sigh... .I hate my life.

[wishfulthinking]

Here is my example.  If I just answer a question with mmm-hmmm, I'm asked to re-answer, if I say YES, then I'm sarcastic.  If I say yeah (which I rarely say) then it depends on how irritated he is with me and if he's chastising me for something if that answer is good enough.  God forbid I say "I suppose" or "I guess" or "sure" instead of what he desires.  I'm being "directed" and recently I told him I'm tired of it and he, of course, raged.  I seriously can't be directed every step of every day and everything that comes out of my mouth.  I quit talking but that makes him mad, too.  I get to the point where my sarcasm comes out and I say "YES, SIR" after he's corrected me a couple of times.  He hates that, too.  I know I shouldn't do that, but at a certain point, I can't continue to lose myself.  He denies he's correcting me and even will deny he did it.  I caught him in a gaslight and was able to prove it the other night because he messed up and wasn't as careful.  You should have seen how flustered he got and how he all of sudden started almost begging me to listen to him instead of demanding me to "look at him" and "dont' look at him that way" and "why aren't you smiling" and "you should be grateful because I'm a good man"... .  Sigh... .I hate my life.

[thereishope]

I hear you.  Sometimes it is exasperating when I strive to validate/acknowledge what uBPDh is saying (by saying, "Yes", or any affirmative answer... .) and he turns away (shaking his head - which he does all the time as if he can't believe how utterly stupid I really am), flabbergasted, as if I opposed him in some way... .My response to this is, "I am giving you what you want and you are getting upset with me... ."  Amazing.

This happens frequently, and I have to point out that I am agreeing with him in order for him to realize it.

[woofhound]

some lyrics came to mind

"when the answer that you want,

is in the question that you state,

come what may,

come what may,

what did I do to deserve?

what did I do to deserve this?"

From "Blood Red Summer" by Coheed and Cambria

[wishfulthinking]

Both answers are perfect.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm seriously just too sensitive or if it is actual nitpicking or criticizing.  I think I might just be too strong willed for him.  I refuse to even have my words and feelings told I'm wrong just because he doesn't like what I say.  He will tell me I'm verbally abusive because I tell him I'm at the end of my rope and can't take it anymore and maybe we should look at separating.  I said just because YOU DON"T LIKE IT or IT HURTS YOUR FEELINGS doesn't make it verbal abuse.  I'm not calling names, I'm not making threats, I'm only being true to my own feelings and sometimes, since we are different people, we have different feelings, plus, I don't get offended over EVERYTHING that happens or is and isn't said or doesn't happen or just EVERYTHING.  GRRRRR

[plumlee]

I have to keep in mind we aren't dealing with an adult and shouldn't expect logic to work. We are dealing with a child.

[wishfulthinking]

What's funny about the dealing with a child thing... .My daughter NEVER acted like this.  I was raised in a dysfunctional and mostly violent childhood and I don't treat people like this and didn't as a child.  My friend's kids don't act like this.  I know it's a mental illness, but that doesn't excuse 100% of their behavior.  We all know they work us and manipulate to get what they want, too.  That's not dealing with a child.  If they can not rage in front of Joe from work or in front of the room full of people and be all charismatic and charming, they KNOW what they are doing.  They have more control than they WANT to have when it's you and them alone.  It's BS.  They are trying to control and break us to get what they want.  They KNOW what they are doing more than a lot of people on here want to admit.  Admitting it makes us take the responsibility for tolerating this behavior instead of saying oh it's a mental illness and they can't help it, so I'll allow them to treat me like sh!t. 

[thereishope]

What's funny about the dealing with a child thing... .My daughter NEVER acted like this.  I was raised in a dysfunctional and mostly violent childhood and I don't treat people like this and didn't as a child.  My friend's kids don't act like this.  I know it's a mental illness, but that doesn't excuse 100% of their behavior.  We all know they work us and manipulate to get what they want, too.  That's not dealing with a child.  If they can not rage in front of Joe from work or in front of the room full of people and be all charismatic and charming, they KNOW what they are doing.  They have more control than they WANT to have when it's you and them alone.  It's BS.  They are trying to control and break us to get what they want.  They KNOW what they are doing more than a lot of people on here want to admit.  Admitting it makes us take the responsibility for tolerating this behavior instead of saying oh it's a mental illness and they can't help it, so I'll allow them to treat me like sh!t. 

I'm interested in more of your thoughts along this line of thinking... .   

[wishfulthinking]

Thereishope, how do you mean?  I want to elaborate where you want me to because I unleashed a lot during that paragraph.

One example is my BFF lives across the street.  She came over in the middle of one of his rages once, just walked in because that's what we do, been BFF's almost 20 years.  He stopped raging.  LIKE THAT.  Like he'd never been freaking out.  She heard enough to ask what was going on and he relayed his side of the issue, I relayed mine and she gave a middle ground answer.  All seemed well and then as SOON as she stepped out of the house, he freaked out on me again.  I was like WHAT?  If he could control himself and have a normal adult conversation with someone around he wanted to be fake to, then why can't he do it with me? 

Is that kind of what you mean or did I miss the boat entirely?

[thereishope]

Thereishope, how do you mean?  I want to elaborate where you want me to because I unleashed a lot during that paragraph.

One example is my BFF lives across the street.  She came over in the middle of one of his rages once, just walked in because that's what we do, been BFF's almost 20 years.  He stopped raging.  LIKE THAT.  Like he'd never been freaking out.  She heard enough to ask what was going on and he relayed his side of the issue, I relayed mine and she gave a middle ground answer.  All seemed well and then as SOON as she stepped out of the house, he freaked out on me again.  I was like WHAT?  If he could control himself and have a normal adult conversation with someone around he wanted to be fake to, then why can't he do it with me? 

Is that kind of what you mean or did I miss the boat entirely?

Yes, that is what I mean... .I am having a hard time "convincing myself" that the BPD stuff is as bad as it is... .When I'm going through it, it totally sucks and hurts and it makes me cry... .(I'm allowing myself to feel the hurt because I'm trying not to stuff the feelings... .)... .But on the other hand, when uBPDh is splitting me white, he is VERY ATTENTIVE, GIVING, SERVING, cooks for me, gives gifts, etc... .so I undersand pretty fully that I'm a puppet on a string and I want to break free... .My feelings still are corresponding with the abuse (sadness, hopelessness, depression, etc... dying inside slowly, feel like an empty shell... .), but on the outside I'm still "playing the game" ("MAKING SURE HE'S OK", ETC... .) as if I still believe it is real... .Does this make ANY sense?

I think it would help if I could understand he really does know what he is doing to a certain extent... .

[wishfulthinking]

I totally understand.  To be 100% honest, I'm not sure why I'm still with him and every time he shows his BPD/NPD I get closer and closer to being so numb I won't care to stay or leave... .If I'm 100% honest, if it wasn't my house he moved into, I would leave and never look back, but getting him out is a chore and sometimes my fear gets the better of me.  NOW, on to what I was saying before.  They have some control.  They know what to do and what not to do, even little children know right from wrong and eventually, they learn what will and won't be tolerated and how to act to get the response they want with people.  Watch yours closely sometime with how they interact with others.  Is it someone that can help them in some way or will give them something they need?  My example here is mine still has a semi-relationship with his ex.  He gets money from her and pills.  She allows and always did allow him to treat her like crap and cheat on her and be mean and she put up with it.  He still treats her like crap UNTIL HE WANTS SOMETHING FROM HER.  She has sent me the text messages and he kisses her butt just right and plays her like a fiddle on things like his health and pain and she falls for it every time.  I used to get mad, but now I just don't care.  If he can't hold a job, he can find his own money for cigarettes, booze, etc.  It's not coming from me.  It just pushes me further away.  HE KNOWS HOW TO WORK HER.  He works his mom, too.  I've seen it.  He works his kids.  He works his friends and the people he wants to do construction for and then gets all pissy when anyone sees through it or calls him out on something that he promised but didn't turn out the way he promised, but IT"S NEVER HIS FAULT, you know.  He used to work me, then I realized and won't be worked any more.  It makes him so mad, but he doesn't even try now.  If he whines about something hurting, I blow it off... .go see the dr, I tell him.  He can't.  NO job, NO insurance, NO dr. Sucks to be him.  I hold a job.  I have health issues.  I take care of myself just fine.

I kicked mine out beginning of July.  When I let him come back (stupid stupid stupid!) he has acted more like he did when he was winning me over to marry him.  Except this last weekend was full of rages because I'm sick with pneumonia and holy crap, have someone take attention from him!  WOW, you'd think I was whining and stuff.  I only wanted dinner cooked for the kids and left alone.  But, he's feeling guilty over money and not working like he should and the fact that I'm not going to tolerate for much longer and I think deep down he knows it and it's freaking him out because he projected all sorts of stuff on me this time and I just stood there silent besides my yes, no, I don't knows that he directed.  One time I faltered and he said I look at him like I don't like him and I said I DON"T LIKE YOU.  That flipped him out.  Nothing is the same and won't ever be.  He used to do all the sweet loving things after a rage, but I think he's knows I see through it now and respond less to it and so that has slowed BECAUSE HE"S NOT GETTING WHAT HE WANTS FROM ME. If you'd like a little more privacy and want to talk, you are welcome to message me.  I'm an open book and will hide nothing from you.  We all need someone.  I can't log on at home, though.  He checks my phone.  I pray for him to just find someone else and leave.  I have so many more examples.  Ultimately though, it's my own fault I'm still here putting up with this.