Mornings are so hard...

[just_confused]

Mornings are tough. Yesterday afternoon I was mad. I got rid of everything he gave me. I threw it out. Even stuff he gave my daughter went in the garbage. I don't want it around. It  is poison to me. How could someone treat me as of I was so disposable? As if I didn't matter? I feel so rejected, like I REALLY don't matter. I know this is all part of the grieving, but it still hurts. I try and focus on all the bad, but that doesn't always work. I know I will never have the answers, he its not capable of giving them to me. I just need to move on. I'm going to start my day and pray for comfort and healing. No contact will keep me going. I am stronger than this. I'm won't let him keep me as his victim.

[sirensong65]

JC, develop a new routine for a healthy YOU.  Go for a walk, work out, watch inspiring videos on YouTube, listen to positive music.

Mine already had my replacement lined up before we ended so he is now in a new relationship and didn't skip a beat between me and her.  I do not exist anymore in his world.

We ARE dispensable in their disordered world.  Face it, accept it and move forward.

I deleted all pictures of us.  I through out all mementos.  I went total no contact and I am sticking with it.  Do I ruminate? ALL THE TIME.  I come here for reassurance I am not alone and inspiration.  Then I go take my anger and frustration out in exercise.  I go out with friends, I work my ass off in my career.  I fill my day to keep my mind off the ass.

You can do this.

[just_confused]

I just can't believe I meant nothing to him. He told me he loved me. He told me he loved me more than anyone else. He told me he is suffering also. He never cheated. IDK. Even though I hurt so bad, I keep hoping he comes back to me and realizes how much I love him. Could it really have meant nothing? I just want him back, and I don't even know why. He was so horrible to me. Called me terrible names. Told me I was oversensitive or my feelings were unjustified. Told me that maybe someday. I just want him back and I don't even know why.

[sirensong65]

Mine told me he loved me too and we were best friends.  But if you read my story posted in other threads, there is NOTHING loving in his ACTIONS.

And it is their ACTIONS that you need to look at and not the words.  It's fluff to get you in the position they want you to be in.

I thought  I was special and the words and actions he said and showed to me were specific to "us".  But, I reached out the the ex before to find out their relationship was EXACTLY like my relationship was with him.  He fell all over himself and said the EXACT say things on their first date, it was rushed along just like our relationship, he even did and said the exact things in bed with her... no difference.

I don't know your ex.  But you are on this site for some reason.  And if he IS BPD, people are rotated through their lives frequently.  There is no FOREVER with them.  He may have meant it at the time, but doesn't anymore.  But ask yourself what kind of love is the type where you are humiliated, insulted and verbally abused.  THAT is the kind of love you are willing to settle for?  ause if you return, that is what you are doing.  And if you think he has or has show you no respect before, just wait for how you will be treated when you go crawling back in spite of his callous treatment of you.  YOU think it will show undying love for him.  All he will see is weakness.

[Mutt]

Could it really have meant nothing?

I asked myself this question so many times. I was so hurt, to think it was possible that it meant nothing. I accepted it when my perception changed. My expectations were too high. She is limited, emotional arrested development, she did what she could, with what she has. I had to look at it from her perspective, I accepted it for what it was. In that capacity, it meant something.

[coolioqq]

I'll go with a practical advice here. If you have a smartphone of any kind, try an app that can produce binaural beats and/or isochronic tones for brainwave entrainment. It's still a new area, but they did some studies and listening to binaural beats decreased the hyperfunctioning in amygdala, the part of the brain causing all these worries that you are having and, ironically, the hell that is BPD. There are many apps out there. I'm using a good isochronic one called BW studio on the iphone. Brainwave Entrainment article on Wikipedia is a good starting point. Maybe we should put the headphones on our exes' ears

[Mutt]

If you have a smartphone of any kind, try an app that can produce binaural beats and/or isochronic tones for brainwave entrainment. It's still a new area, but they did some studies and listening to binaural beats decreased the hyperfunctioning in amygdala, the part of the brain causing all these worries that you are having and, ironically, the hell that is BPD. There are many apps out there. I'm using a good isochronic one called BW studio on the iphone. Brainwave Entrainment article on Wikipedia is a good starting point. Maybe we should put the headphones on our exes' ears

I'm sorry that you are in pain and that you are hurt, but does that help with dealing with your anger coolioqq?

Respecting our anger

[JohnThorn]

JC, yes mornings are the hardest. Absolutely. It's when you awake to greet the new day with that same emptiness unfulfilled. I wake up every morning these days and have an in-my-head talk with myself. I remind myself that somehow this will pass. I remind myself how I have idealized my BPD ex because of what she symbolized to me. I remind myself that there's so much good about me. I remind myself that there's so much I want to change about myself that no one but me can change. I remind myself that her condition will keep her in a perpetual cycle until she addresses it. I remind myself of things that I am fortunate for. I remind myself that she too is human and I try to ultimately forgive. But sometimes I suffer anyway.

I hope your morning is better tomorrow.

[coolioqq]

I'm sorry that you are in pain and that you are hurt, but does that help with dealing with your anger coolioqq?

Respecting our anger

Thanks a lot, Mutt. This community is truly a great help in healing. And the article you pointed out has been of tremendous help.

I am finding lately that a little humor, even forced one, goes a long way and helps in stopping the rumination. Hence, my statement in the previous post was meant as an innocent joke. Though I can see how it comes across as insensitive and I take that back!

I am actually contemplating a longer post reflectingg primarily on how grief affected me since the breakup. How my anger patterns changed. What I learned from all of this, both about me and about her... . I feel I came a long way, and it may be useful to someone.

I guess there is some truth to the "fake it until you make it" mantra. When I go for long walks, something I love to do, I make sure that I keep my head high pointed toward the sky and force myself to smile. Soon after, I catch myself smiling naturally. The point being that happiness is a choice and we can help our brains get there by simply trying hard sometimes... . Being mindful of out anger, feeling it and letting it go is along those lines as well.

As for brainwave entrainment, I found that it does help me quite significantly - it's sort of a phenomenon that brain can tune into specific frequencies based on the external stimuli. Of course, each one's mileage may vary on this one... .

[Mutt]

Thanks a lot, Mutt. This community is truly a great help in healing. And the article you pointed out has been of tremendous help.

You are welcome coolioqq. Glad to have been some help.

I am actually contemplating a longer post reflectingg primarily on how grief affected me since the breakup. How my anger patterns changed. What I learned from all of this, both about me and about her... . I feel I came a long way, and it may be useful to someone.

I understand how deep the pain is from these r/s's coolioqq. It shakes us to the core. That's how painful it was to me. My advice is; reach deep in your reflections, look at your FOO. Don't distort or avoid those feelings. You will find answers there.

I am looking forward to reading your post on your reflections and grief  

[Ryan9181]

Mornings for me are absolutely the hardest.   I go through the day and get stronger usually, and by night time I am feeling good or just emotionally exhausted and can't think about it anymore.   Then the morning comes and the cycle repeats. I look forward to the morning where I am just clear minded and happy again, no thoughts of her.   I am afraid this may take a long time.   The time ingredient is hard for me to accept, but it just is what it is, I guess.

[enlighten me]

One of the reasons why you may feel more stressed in the mornings could be to do with your cortisol levels.

Cortisol is a hormone produced when we get scared. Its part of the fight or flight mode.

It is also the hormone that is used to wake us up and get us going in the morning. It is at its highest levels in the morning and then should taper off throughout the day. Raised cortisol levels produced by stress means we don't get a proper nights sleep.

It may be worth doing something to reduce these levels such as having a hot bath, listening to music, cutting down caffeine or changing your diet.

If your not sleeping well then a hot bath before bed and no caffeine after a certain time may help.

It may not help but theres no harm in trying it. Whats the worse that can happen apart from you've had a nice hot bath?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Mornings were very difficult for me.  Drinking the night before didn't help either.  I have cut out the alcohol completely and do some meditations before going to bed.  The edge has been taken off the  gloom.  Sobriety and the mindfulness practise were my survival tools

[camuse]

Mornings are ok for me, not easy but manageable - I have lots to do each day, so while I often wake up very sad, I'm busy enough to push it to the back of my mind.

Evenings are the problem. I feel very alone then, and am often tempted to drink until I can sleep which has to stop. I see friends most evenings, but returning to the empty house is depressing. It feels like another day has been wasted, empty of affection or love, and I go to bed alone while she sidles up next to my replacement. I feel like the loser. Even though, for all I know, she has already succumbed to the disorder, but my mind imagines her smiling and laughing at me all alone while they are happy and fulfilled.

It's nonsense of course, but I can't help how I feel.

[KrisK7]

Evenings are the problem. I feel very alone then, and am often tempted to drink until I can sleep which has to stop. I see friends most evenings, but returning to the empty house is depressing. It feels like another day has been wasted, empty of affection or love, and I go to bed alone while she sidles up next to my replacement. I feel like the loser. Even though, for all I know, she has already succumbed to the disorder, but my mind imagines her smiling and laughing at me all alone while they are happy and fulfilled.

It's nonsense of course, but I can't help how I feel.

I'm right there with you. Mornings and evenings are my hardest. Evenings always the worst. When we were together, no matter how hard that day was between us, we always would lie down in bed and I'd hold her. Every single night, which she has never admitted to and claimed that she was "asleep" through, she would kiss my forehead, squeeze me tight, and say, "my sweet, sweet girl." Then she'd fall back asleep. I always can't help but to think about how utterly happy I was in those moment. How content. How excited I always was to just come home to her, no matter what mood she was in, and see her smile. Now I'm haunted by those good memories alone in my cold bed, while I know she is "happy" with someone else, in the house we built our life together in. It tears me apart from the inside out. Every night I cry myself to sleep and pray that I'll wake up from this nightmare and just have my beautiful, loving, emotional, but so raw with who she was, fiance back.

Then I dream about her. All night. Every night. Sometimes bad dreams, symbolic and blunt about me seeing her with my replacement. Kissing her. Killing me. Or even worse, happy dreams. Of us back together, blissful. Never perfect, but always happy with eachother. Smiling. And I wake up and reality hits, and it's like my heart breaks all over again.

[Pingo]

Mornings are ok for me, not easy but manageable - I have lots to do each day, so while I often wake up very sad, I'm busy enough to push it to the back of my mind.

Evenings are the problem. I feel very alone then, and am often tempted to drink until I can sleep which has to stop. I see friends most evenings, but returning to the empty house is depressing. It feels like another day has been wasted, empty of affection or love, and I go to bed alone while she sidles up next to my replacement. I feel like the loser. Even though, for all I know, she has already succumbed to the disorder, but my mind imagines her smiling and laughing at me all alone while they are happy and fulfilled.

It's nonsense of course, but I can't help how I feel.

I can relate, bedtime has been the hardest, when I feel the saddest.  He would cuddle up to me all night long (unless I was painted black in which I got his cold back).  Now this is when I journal.  I also brought out a picture of me when I was 7 and I talk to her (my wounded child) and reassure her that I am going to take good care of her.  I was also drinking a lot in the evening, alone, then I realised maybe I was drinking to numb that sad wounded child as her voice was so painful.  I decided to nurture her instead and allow all her sadness to come to the surface.  It means a lot of crying but I am hoping that turning into the pain will bring me out to the other side with some real healing.

[Vatz]

Told me I was oversensitive or my feelings were unjustified.

Mine basically did that to me. It hurt real bad. It's even worse that we want these people back even though they do stuff like this. It's confusing and infuriating. It sucks.

I'm developing a routine, so mornings are feeling a little better these days.

I think getting rid of his things was a good move.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Yea i awake to a surge of pain shooting through my chest most mornings. It seems to be what wakes me up anymore. I look beside me at the empty spot in my bed. Had a dream about her for the past week every night. There's no escaping her even in my dreams and its been like torture lately. All the while shes probably sleeping well cuddling with my replacement.(even though logically i know this isnt the case my heart begs to differ) Makes me feel so low. I feel better as the day progresses.(though shes still on my mind) Then the evening/night consumes me with the same feelings. I'm struggling harder this second time around and it seems to hurt so much more. I feel betrayed not only by her but myself for going back when i knew better. Twin daggers.

[Ryan9181]

Told me I was oversensitive or my feelings were unjustified.

Mine basically did that to me. It hurt real bad. It's even worse that we want these people back even though they do stuff like this. It's confusing and infuriating. It sucks.

She always complained about my sensitivity and my need to "talk" about things.  It made me feel like there was something wrong with me and how I liked to communicate.

I fantasize often about having her back, and she is in my dreams more and more now.   I won't actually have her back in my life.  But the fact that part of me does want her back, is really confusing and infuriating, I agree with you.   I hope the feelings go away soon.