new no contact counting thread

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The old thread got full.

I'm on day 7. A new record as she's never lasted past 4 before.

She's in fantasy land with her new supply,  the recovering drug addict.

My friend showed me a picture on her instagram, he's got her the puppy she's been wanting for a while now... .poor thing.

Meanwhile I'm just plodding on, hopefully she stays NC but that would be a surprise

[Infern0]

The old thread got full.

I'm on day 7. A new record as she's never lasted past 4 before.

She's in fantasy land with her new supply,  the recovering drug addict.

My friend showed me a picture on her instagram, he's got her the puppy she's been wanting for a while now... .poor thing.

Meanwhile I'm just plodding on, hopefully she stays NC but that would be a surprise

[Junknown]

Day 12 here.

She went to therapy today. Don't think it made any effect yet apart from her saying in an online chat where she now goes and where i read her undercover that she dated young boys, who werent prepared to be man. Talked about love saying she wouldnt be in love anymore. About her husband badly, saying he was a kid in a man's body because he had some dependence on her mother and about me because she was my first and she said that i, in the beginning, said i didnt know how to be in a relationship, which was true as i had no previous experience. Kept playing the victim there. I wonder what she will say to her psychologist but i guess she will be the poor girl, who was always faithful, did everything she could but was surrounded by babies she had to support... .

Screw her, im living alone now and i dont care about her. Im more adult than she ever will be on her life. Got a job, a house, all the means and i make my dinner and clean the house, dishes everything. In her case its her husband that doesnt have anything with her anymore but she uses for domestic tasks and babysitting their son. Pathetic... .

Talked to his husband today. Actually he sent me a text asking how i am and if everything is fine. Talked a bit to him and he said everything is ok on his part and that he hoped with time the psychologist could do something about her. Sincerely i doubt that now, even more... .Although i wish she could grow up and mature herself so she could have principles, not toy peoples lives around and get over all her traumas im quite sure it wont happen in the short time. I know he knows she has a problem. Dunno if he knows exactly which one but doesnt matter. He said to me i should take part on the sessions with my psychologist and use them well. Its what he has been doing all this time he was alone although he lives with her still... .

[Rifka]

6 days nc for me today. Struggling with outbursts of crying and emotions but no reason to go anywhere but forward. I'm glad he stopped so it made the guilt ( mine) of not returning texts easier. I was about to call my phone company to block his texts and number when he stopped. I did file a disturbance complaint with the police dept because he was stalking and has a current restraining order on him from his first wife. It was suggested to me to leave a legal paper trail because of his history with domestic abuse that was uncovered a few months ago. This was before he was diagnosed with BPD one week ago. I know he was quite the prize! I have to keep asking why I am cry for an imaginary relationship that was created and I believed.

[Junknown]

6 days nc for me today. Struggling with outbursts of crying and emotions but no reason to go anywhere but forward. I'm glad he stopped so it made the guilt ( mine) of not returning texts easier. I was about to call my phone company to block his texts and number when he stopped. I did file a disturbance complaint with the police dept because he was stalking and has a current restraining order on him from his first wife. It was suggested to me to leave a legal paper trail because of his history with domestic abuse that was uncovered a few months ago. This was before he was diagnosed with BPD one week ago. I know he was quite the prize! I have to keep asking why I am cry for an imaginary relationship that was created and I believed.

Keep strong rifka. Near my 1st week i went through something similar, i even got a bit drunk at day 9 NC. But it was good as i changed my relationship status on facebook which i didnt have the strenght to do yet... .

[seeking balance]

So new NC folks - rather than only counting the days (which serves a purpose) how about also looking to the right - 5 stages of detachment.

Let's take this up a level in the detachment process since the point of NC is to help you detach.

Each of the 4 posters show signs in different stages - so what stage are you in and what does that look like for you?

NC is a good tool - the goal of the tool is to detach... .

Stage 1 - Acknowledgment of your feelings

What do you feel?

[Junknown]

So new NC folks - rather than only counting the days (which serves a purpose) how about also looking to the right - 5 stages of detachment.

Let's take this up a level in the detachment process since the point of NC is to help you detach.

Each of the 4 posters show signs in different stages - so what stage are you in and what does that look like for you?

NC is a good tool - the goal of the tool is to detach... .

Stage 1 - Acknowledgment of your feelings

What do you feel?

Seems like a nice idea. Where can i find the stages?

[seeking balance]

Look to the right of this page - the article:

Attachment leads to suffering

Detachment leads to freedom

Stage 1 - https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm

[kc sunshine]

Great idea Seeking Balance, thanks for the prompt--  I feel like I'm somewhere between acknowledgement and self-inquiry, and every once in a while processing. Could that be right? Could I have little moments of each stage? A combo? Or do they come one after another. I'd say the most dominant of the stages is acknowledgement-- sometimes the feelings are so strong (missing her mostly, then some anger) that they are hard not to acknowledge. I've also noticed that when I'm stressed about other things (work, kids, etc), my feelings spike and my thoughts/ruminations get focused on my ex dBPDgf rather than the source of my stress.

[seeking balance]

Great idea Seeking Balance, thanks for the prompt--  I feel like I'm somewhere between acknowledgement and self-inquiry, and every once in a while processing. Could that be right? Could I have little moments of each stage?

Absolutely, with all the swirling going on in our heads when we find these boards, depending on how long we were in the relationship - we bounce moment to moment through the first 2 stages often.

To be honest, I don't even know if I knew how to identify what I had going on as I was stunned, lost, angry, scared, physically sick to my stomach and really didn't know if maybe I wasn't a bit crazy myself.

Looking at each of the feelings and letting myself feel them - took learning to breath deeply and I kinda took on a blind trust that the senior members here must know something, my T and I sorta faked it a while.

I've also noticed that when I'm stressed about other things (work, kids, etc), my feelings spike and my thoughts/ruminations get focused on my ex dBPDgf rather than the source of my stress.

Yes, this is common

What are you doing to help yourself manage your own thoughts and stress?

[seeking balance]

The old thread got full.

I'm on day 7. A new record as she's never lasted past 4 before.

She's in fantasy land with her new supply,  the recovering drug addict.

My friend showed me a picture on her instagram, he's got her the puppy she's been wanting for a while now... .poor thing.

Meanwhile I'm just plodding on, hopefully she stays NC but that would be a surprise

Hey Inferno,

I don't mean to hijack your thread - let me know if you want to keep this a count-down or if you want it to go deeper.  I can have staff split this, no problem.

Peace,

SB

[Pingo]

I'm on day 37 NC and I am definitely in the Self-inquiry phase with more and more moments of processing.  And still back in the acknowledgment phase on occasion although less and less as time goes on.  Yay for acceptance!

[Rifka]

Starting day 7 nc. There is no reason to for us to have anymore contact with the other. I'm sure I am now black to him, which will keep him distant along with his pride. For myself I am not feeling tempted. I'm reading and learning a lot more than I thought about the disorder, my exBPDbf and myself. It makes emotions flood and I am crying from the deep pain and loss that I feel. I feel sad at times, I dislike admitting how lonely my bed is at night. I read about how sex could play such a major role in keeping this type of r/s going way past the time it should. That was definately us! We both loved sex and making love. It was definately the glue that binded us together. We both used it to keep us feeling close to the other. We could fight and argue but then look in each other's eyes, and have clothes flying everywhere within minutes. I know this isn't normal behavior. It was quite normal for us. We were completely compatable in the bedroom, ok anywhere we made love or had sex. Sex was our no fight time. It was a time that he was peaceful and I could be relaxed. There was so much pleasure in our intimacy for both of us. We always talked very openly to each other about how we felt about our sex life and how we had sex everyday for hours on end and so many times. We would dehydrate at times. We both knew without the sex we would have nothing to really keep us connected, but accepted that fact because it made us feel great and we were both on the same page about how much we wanted to be intimate.

Reading the pages about sex addiction and signs which I have to admit one stands out very clearly to me. I have to own it and realize my part in this mess.

The sex was so intense, I let it be the focal point of us.

I let it keep me in an r/s that otherwise would have fallen apart much sooner.

I do have to accept that as my fault and figure out why I did that! Sex was definately our drug of choice to ease the pain of this turbulent relationship.

I have always had a strong libido with my r/ss. My doctor once offered me meds based on the high levels of testosterone in my body. Yes us girls have it too! I refused!

All of this reading has made me look closer and think about what I really miss. I miss the intimacy more than anything. It was such a euphoric and peaceful place. I miss the dancing, it was so personal, think dirty dancing. That boy had his moves. A fabulous dancer. We were as one on the dance floor. Always a prelude to a night of passionate sex. Clearly thinking we were always having sex, our escape from the reality of the pain of our toxic r/s.

It feels good to write this out and see it on the computer.

I will realize this in the future and remember it clearly when I feel emotionally ready to let somebody new into my life again. I need time alone to regroup myself and my thoughts and feelings. I have nothing to give anybody of myself right now. I will give whatever time needed to heal me first. I love who i am as a person and need to find the me that I pushed to the side to focus on the him! I will remember to not put sex at a level where it becomes top priority over the true health of my overall next relationship. Sex should not be the glue or bandaid that holds all of the broken pieces together.

I guess this puts me in 1, 2, and the start of 3. Mostly 1&2.

[Recooperating]

Stages? I think I go up and down and all around

Its day 11 of NC and I am starting to feel the hurt.

Normally this was the point of recycle, since going back felt easier then dealing with this tremendous amount of hurt and loss and pain. But no recycle this time... .Im gonna have to deal with it... .

I was thinking and thinking and thinking today. I went in circles and right now I am happy with my conclusion. I am always so hard on myself, when I cry I feel weak, i blame myself for everything, i always have to "get ovet it" and move on... ."Fix" things, work hard... .Etc.

Thats also what I have been doing the last couple of days... .Find out whats "wrong" with me... .I need to "fix" it!

Today I decided, I dont have to "move on". That doesnt mean I wanna go back... .Hell no! It just means that what is and what I feel is just fine for now. I dont have all the answers... .And thats ok... .Im not gandhi and I dont need to be. Im a perfect mess right now and thats ok.

Who says I cant love my dBPDex fiancee? I can love him with all my heart! Thats perfectly fine, being in a relationship with him is not what I want, but that doesnt mean I have to stop loving him. Its the future and dreams I imagined that I have to let go, not the love. The future will be different then I thought, but right now all that matters is today.

I dont know if I make sense at all... .

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

What you say makes total sense, recooperating! And Rifka, I hear you about the strong draw of the sexual part of the relationship-- that stayed really good for us too. Hard to let that go.

Day 1 again here. Dang. She called a couple of days ago to say hi and as a step in her moving on process. It was a nice conversation I guess but oh man it set me back to longing for her again. So far I've been responsive when she calls (unless she's mean) but I think I'll have to have a new strategy.

In terms of feeling my feelings, leaning into them, I've felt more anger today and yesterday, along with the sadness and the longing. I think the anger is around something like being misunderstood. If I stop my internal dialogue with her, quiet the chatter, I can feel the feeling more. That has felt interesting to try and as I'm doing it, I think "I wonder if this is what they (this board) is talking about. Anyway, learning this new skill to feel the feelings and not be afraid of them would be a good thing to come out of this ordeal. Onward!

[Aussie JJ]

Up to day 57... .

For me, its the second long LC/NC spell.  At first I did really well, acknowledgement/Processing were the main ones with very little self inquiry.  I jumped between those two predominantly and started creative action with doing things.  Very helpful. 

Then I had a, "I can fix this moment".  It was so horrid.  I tried, it all came back, it hurt, it was more painful than the first time.  So much pain. 

Now, I can say I'm at Self Inquiry and Processing and I'm tentative on creative action.  I know I am a LONG way off healing.  Anger is now replaced by frustration very quickly, frustration leads to ruminations and ruminations lead to feeling like a victim.  At the moment I dont want to be a victim any more.  Karpmin triangle is something I can see a bit in my process as well. 

Hmmm, congrats guys, it is painful, dont confuse anger for pain.  Processing is very hard. 

[Mutt]

I'm sorry your feeling frustrated. NC/LC gets better.

Triangulation - you can't control being put into a triangle when she's talking to people behind your back. If you can help it, triangulation is like a three legged stool. Take one of the legs out and the stool collapses.

Congrats on your record  Infern0. Fall down 57 times get up 58.

[Recooperating]

NC day 13 today, tomorrow I hit the two week marker! I was doing great, strong, hardheaded, determined... .But man... .Its hard... .

I now bounce from angry to sad to relief to numb.

I'm not as hard on myself anymore... .I am allowing myself to feel and just be sad when I am sad... .I am reading a lot about codependancy and I fit the bill perfectly. I see where my father and sexual abuse from 4-11 yrs by authority figure is at the origin of that. My T have my a book "the rediscovery of the true self", but I cant seem to get myself to read it yet. I start to read, but my mind is all over the place.

Against all that I said, I checked my dBPDex's FB page... .STUPID! I knew what I would find... .Big smear campaign, huge victim act, and a replacement. The woman he had an affair with, the woman who harased, stalked me and made my life hell... .2 weeks after we broke up, 2 weeks before our wedding... .He's on top of the woman I detest most! (I know its not her fault, yet another victim of his pretty stories)

It shouldnt affect me, i should be happy he found another woman, takes the heat of me... .But its hurts? I have no desire to get back together, he's a total jerk, he'll never change, the man I was in love with does not excist. It was fiction... .Nothing more... .

It will take time, i should give it time, it will take soulsearching and I have to work through the pain. I have to keep remembering myself how liberating the break up was.

Day 14 tomorrow... .Going on strong

[pieceofme]

Against all that I said, I checked my dBPDex's FB page... .STUPID! I knew what I would find... .Big smear campaign, huge victim act, and a replacement. The woman he had an affair with, the woman who harased, stalked me and made my life hell... .2 weeks after we broke up, 2 weeks before our wedding... .He's on top of the woman I detest most! (I know its not her fault, yet another victim of his pretty stories)

my ex is also with the woman who harassed and threatened me, who spent 10 months trying to break us up. it absolutely makes me sick.

i am back to day 1 of NC. i had made it 3 days, but on the 4th, my ex contact me threatening to take legal action against me (i posted this story on another thread), so i had to respond. i sure wish i hadn't.

[Visitor]

Can I just say something to you all. I had my heart broken (girl before my BPDex) and the one overwhelming feeling throughout all the stages I had was "I'm never going to feel better again" or "I'm never going to meet somebody I love again"

Well I promise you that you really do fully recover. I look back at that experience now and can't believe I got so low.

Keep the no contact going and work on yourself. Time really is a good healer and you WILL get back to normal I promise.

[Junknown]

Can I just say something to you all. I had my heart broken (girl before my BPDex) and the one overwhelming feeling throughout all the stages I had was "I'm never going to feel better again" or "I'm never going to meet somebody I love again"

Well I promise you that you really do fully recover. I look back at that experience now and can't believe I got so low.

Keep the no contact going and work on yourself. Time really is a good healer and you WILL get back to normal I promise.

True! Im at day 15 NC and im feeling great. 1 Week before i felt so low... .But with time I left the obsession of checking my exBPDgf stuff (facebook, instagram, blog). And im enjoying my moments alone and with others. Reattaching with my friends again, that i didnt invest much while with her and meeting new people :D . Keep strong and NC for the win! With time the healing starts taking effect. Invest in yourselves and the relationships you establish with others!

[Rifka]

One week and a day! I feel strong! I have definitely taken the focus off my ex and started to completely focus on me! I had a blast last night dancing with so many of my friends. I'm giving myself one month here to learn as much as I can to heal,self reflect, work on me and take this all in as a life lesson. Pain comes at random moments at this point, we are all mourning our ex r/s if we have left it, so I would say its ok. Recycling is really not something I see happening and contact has no place in my mind. I wish him peace for this horrible disorder from my heart. I can't imagine not being able to love in the greatest capacity of the heart. I am out, although sometimes I have to kick myself out the door and force myself, but it is always so much fun once I get to an event.

My exes first wife has been such a great help in all of this. I called her months ago. She went through all of this 20 years ago for 10 years and still has to have contact because of children together. She is still not healed completely and he is still trying to control her. I have heard both sides of his phone on speaker in the past. I feel bad because I get to eventually be done and cut all ties forever. She is not as lucky.

I wish for you all to have some extra strength to get through this long weekend. I'm sure holidays do not help.

Peace to you all!

[camuse]

21 days. Still ruminating. It was an absolute battering and I want to fully understand so it never ever happens again. I'm getting there bit by bit. Cried a bit this morning.

[freedom33]

13 Days - It's tough!

Ex called last night, I didn't pick up. Then she texted this morning and wants to meet to get some (yes - just some) of her staff back and have a chat. I replied ok and that I am bringing back all her stuff (and asked her to do the same) but I know that this is a very dangerous situation for me to get pulled back in. So no contact broken and also in F2F in a couple of days.

Then I found out that she contacted one of my friends' wife (that she doesnt know) and wants to talk to her about me. She has contacted friends of mine on 3 other occasions. Complete lack of boundaries.

Then she sent me a guilt inducing email after all this that I have not and wont respond to.

[Infern0]

10 days since the last hatred filled text which I ignored, nothing since.

I have a few new things going on which are helping,  but my mind still swings back to her all the time. It's like a part of me wants her to try contacting me, even though the thought of seeing or speaking to her fills me with unspeakable dread. Part of me wants to open up a verbal smackdown in which I tell her exactly how I feel. Problem is I don't know how I feel (one of her favorite lines, ironic)

Yeah,  it's not good this... but still there are positives,  I'm trying to focus on them

[pieceofme]

It's like a part of me wants her to try contacting me, even though the thought of seeing or speaking to her fills me with unspeakable dread.

i have been feeling the same! it's such an odd, mixed up feeling. i think it's part of breaking the addiction - we still want our hit, even though we're now in the state of mind to know it's not good for us.

[Vatz]

Almost two months now. Thought about her today, sentimental thoughts. Can't believe I've been with her for four years. Every night there was the comfort in knowing she'd be there tomorrow. Other times it was the pain in knowing she'd be hurting me tomorrow.

Either way, almost two months and I'm keeping busy. I hope that I never have any contact with her ever again so long as I live. I'm still in love with her, nothing good will come of contact. I wouldn't respect myself for what I surely know I'd end up doing.

Maybe in two more months, I'll be better. I hope I'll be stronger.

[Recooperating]

2 weeks today! And what a sht day it was!

My mind is going in circles! Ive done some writing (stupid amature poems  ) that helped... .I worked out for 2 hours, walked the dog twice... .But all I think about is "i want to talk to him" NO I DONT! Still NC, but he better not contact me right now... .

I feel like getting drunk, worst idea ever ha ha ha... Then I thought to go on a dating site to distract me a bit... .Second worst idea ever

Guess I just have to sit it out... .Go through detox like a drug addict, stay strong!

Thinking about redecorating the house now... .ANYTHING TO KEEP ME BUSY!

Seriously, WHY does this guy have such a hold on me! He was a total DUSCHE!

[Pingo]

2 weeks today! And what a sht day it was!

My mind is going in circles! Ive done some writing (stupid amature poems  ) that helped... .I worked out for 2 hours, walked the dog twice... .But all I think about is "i want to talk to him" NO I DONT! Still NC, but he better not contact me right now... .

I feel like getting drunk, worst idea ever ha ha ha... Then I thought to go on a dating site to distract me a bit... .Second worst idea ever

Guess I just have to sit it out... .Go through detox like a drug addict, stay strong!

Thinking about redecorating the house now... .ANYTHING TO KEEP ME BUSY!

Seriously, WHY does this guy have such a hold on me! He was a total DUSCHE!

I am sadly back to day 1 of NC as I broke last night and sent him an email (no reply Thanks God).  Ugh!  I can relate to what you are going through, I have visited the dating sites for distraction (would not attempt to date yet!).  You are right, our attachment is a drug and we really are going through withdrawal!  This morning I have been reading about the trauma bond.  Good grief, no wonder we have such a hard time staying NC!  But NC is the solution, 100%.  And time also lessens the trauma bond.  And changing our routines (like decorating the house!  Good idea!).