Biggest Regret?

[Tolou]

My regret:

I knew she had emotional issues from day 1. And I researched what those were ... .BUT... .I didn't keep researching how serious they were and how I should handle her issues. I went through this relationship without ANY BPD tools and guidance.

I feel bad how I treated her. How I reacted, how I screamed at her, what I said to her... .How I lost it sometimes. I threw her out of my car, my apartment. out of my life sometimes... .but here's what I never noticed... .Besides me coming back to her... .SHE always came back to me.

I acted like the biggest jerk... .And she came back. No normal person would come back after what I did and said to her.

I was so frustrated with her, and my frustration came out as anger.

She brought out a side of me I hated. Hated !

I truly wish I had learned the tools to try and make her feel better and handle what she threw at me.

Not because I'm weak... .but because I am a normal person who cared for someone and only wished them the best, not to hurt them. I am a healthy person who has the ability to learn and adapt.

Does my ex BPD GF have regrets... .Who knows.

Do I have regrets... .Yes.

And the good part about that is it proves that I am a rational person with real feel feeling and emotions.

I AM healthy.

I WILL heal.

I WILL move on.

She will continue in her life, unhealthy. This saddens me.

In pain couldnt have said it better myself X2 on this one

[Tolou]

My T taught me something thats been invaluable to me as I detach further and further and constructed healthier, non-wavering boundaries. No one gets a second chance at devaluation. Do it once, you're showing me very clearly who you are.  Boundary goes up and stays up.

Thats's deep really like that one, thank you for sharing that very insightful, made me feel good just now![/quote]

[forget-me-not]

^^^^^^

Yes, thank you for this.

It directly ties in with my biggest regret- that I allowed myself to be treated like crap, and even worse, started believing that there was something seriously wrong with me and that I'm a horrible person that needs fixing.

My defining moment , when I realized I was not going to "fix myself " any longer was this:

My adult daughter and my granddaughter were living with her bf, who was abusive to the point  of burning her with cigarettes and breaking her belongings.

I allowed them to move in with me earlier this year.

My uBPD bf told me just before his final devaluation, that I should have told her to go live in a shelter , because she needs to "be taught a lesson for making the wrong choices in her life " and that if I don't understand this simple concept then there's no help for me.

I could have continued trying harder to not push his buttons and to meet his ridiculous demands, but this comment was so against the very depth of my core values that I knew I could no longer keep trying and fighting for the relationship.

The sheer horror of that statement still sends chills up my spine.

[Penumbra66]

My T taught me something thats been invaluable to me as I detach further and further and constructed healthier, non-wavering boundaries. No one gets a second chance at devaluation. Do it once, you're showing me very clearly who you are.  Boundary goes up and stays up.

I wish I had held to this. Our relationship was flawed, but mostly good, until my replacement made an appearance. The second time she went out with him as a "friend," after violating an agreement not to see him again until we had time to discuss their "friendship," should have been the end. She knew how much their first "play" date hurt me. The second one killed me. From there it was five more weeks of lies, pain, uncertainty, and betrayal, before the final abandonment.

Someone quoted this on the boards earlier, but I repeat below. I heard this while my exUBPD gf first began a rapid series of recycles. Wish I had listened.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou

I refused to believe the person thought I knew was capable of such bad behavior, but she did, indeed, show me the first time. Lesson learned. Too late.