Help me understand

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

So I've been reading a ton about this since my therapist told me ex sounded BPD. One thing I've seen a few times is that the BPD seeks out your vulnerability and preys on it. I am a fairly successful person. I think that is what made her pursue me intially like I was the golden goose.

I was in a 7 year marriage with a bad person (who is also likely BPD, albeit low functioning, and also pursued me). She spent much of the marriage drunk, on drugs and running around with other guys. Ignored our children for the most part. This has always been a source of guilt for me, how I made such a bad mistake and my kids suffered for it. It was an oops pregnancy that i tried to do the right thing with by marrying her, and staying, to make sure my kids didn't end up with her. The effect on the kids, and staying so long, putting my life and career on hold are a tremendous source of regret for me

And that is exactly what my exBPDgf obsessed about. "How could you be with a person like this, what is wrong with you, she's white trash, what does it say about you, she is going to be in my life forever, you think she's prettier then me, you are talking to her" Nearly ever major fight/breakup (including the last) was centered around this one issue.

I always thought, up till now, that she just wasn't able to handle the concept of me having an ex wife and children. Which ok, that is understandable and fair for her to not want that baggage. (although why get involved to begin with, but I digress)

But now I am wondering if it was something more sinister at works, at least partly. Like she found the path into breaking me down and exploited it. The concerns she'd obsess about where over the top, as me and my ex wife rarely spoke and she never met her. "Me and my family are going to have to see her at a party someday"  Like when? at my 10 years olds wedding in 20 years? This is what you are worried about today?

Anyway, is this part of the BPD process I read about? I know with her ex boyfriend the issue she latched onto was his mother, so it's possible. Or is this just something she couldn't handle for normal healthy reasons and I am reading to much into it? Either way, it played a big hand in destroying her relationship with me and with my children (she was insulted if my kids talked about thier mother around her, her obsession being that they loved their mother more then her and it hurt her.) Didn't seem healthy or normal at all.

[tim_tom]

So I've been reading a ton about this since my therapist told me ex sounded BPD. One thing I've seen a few times is that the BPD seeks out your vulnerability and preys on it. I am a fairly successful person. I think that is what made her pursue me intially like I was the golden goose.

I was in a 7 year marriage with a bad person (who is also likely BPD, albeit low functioning, and also pursued me). She spent much of the marriage drunk, on drugs and running around with other guys. Ignored our children for the most part. This has always been a source of guilt for me, how I made such a bad mistake and my kids suffered for it. It was an oops pregnancy that i tried to do the right thing with by marrying her, and staying, to make sure my kids didn't end up with her. The effect on the kids, and staying so long, putting my life and career on hold are a tremendous source of regret for me

And that is exactly what my exBPDgf obsessed about. "How could you be with a person like this, what is wrong with you, she's white trash, what does it say about you, she is going to be in my life forever, you think she's prettier then me, you are talking to her" Nearly ever major fight/breakup (including the last) was centered around this one issue.

I always thought, up till now, that she just wasn't able to handle the concept of me having an ex wife and children. Which ok, that is understandable and fair for her to not want that baggage. (although why get involved to begin with, but I digress)

But now I am wondering if it was something more sinister at works, at least partly. Like she found the path into breaking me down and exploited it. The concerns she'd obsess about where over the top, as me and my ex wife rarely spoke and she never met her. "Me and my family are going to have to see her at a party someday"  Like when? at my 10 years olds wedding in 20 years? This is what you are worried about today?

Anyway, is this part of the BPD process I read about? I know with her ex boyfriend the issue she latched onto was his mother, so it's possible. Or is this just something she couldn't handle for normal healthy reasons and I am reading to much into it? Either way, it played a big hand in destroying her relationship with me and with my children (she was insulted if my kids talked about thier mother around her, her obsession being that they loved their mother more then her and it hurt her.) Didn't seem healthy or normal at all.

[Confused?]

Bpd know how to get to you. I had no exes that I was in relationships with but I told her about some girls I hooked up with years before I ever met her. She used these hook ups to get to me. Every argument sounded like this.

":)id you see everyone look at you when they said so and sos name"

Or

"You just want to drink with your friends so you could get drunk and cheat on me"

Or

":)o you think so and so is prettier than me"

Or

"Who is insert name here"

No matter what it wound up an argument. No right answer. It was all part of manipulation. It would get so bad that she would actually make peoples names up and say that they said I hooked up with them. Who does that. It used to piss me off so bad. I was literally defending myself on a daily basis and she was with me almost all the time besides while I was working. I even brought up her exes to show her how it feels. That only made things worse because they "abused" her and I knew that and I'm sick for saying it. I'm just so happy to be out now. Every single topic that comes up on here I remember how horrible the entire relationship really was

[tim_tom]

No matter what it wound up an argument. No right answer. It was all part of manipulation. It would get so bad that she would actually make peoples names up and say that they said I hooked up with them. Who does that. It used to piss me off so bad. I was literally defending myself on a daily basis and she was with me almost all the time besides while I was working. I even brought up her exes to show her how it feels. That only made things worse because they "abused" her and I knew that and I'm sick for saying it. I'm just so happy to be out now. Every single topic that comes up on here I remember how horrible the entire relationship really was

Oh yea, what's good for the goose stuff. Happened constantly, but it was always different if it applied to her. In any situation. I leave a towel on the floor or something, I am a slob and she's tired of picking up after me. She leaves something out, and gets angry if I say anything and hits me on 5 unrelated topics as to how I am no good. She was allowed to get annoyed/angry with me for everything, but if I got annoyed about anything, there was hell to pay

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Oh yep, one set of rules for them, and one for you and everyone else

Everyone else is lazy

Everyone else is greedy

Everyone else is taking speed/meth/drugs/drinking

Everyone else is money hungry, ego tripping posers and wasting money on cars to impress everyone

Everyone else is violent and dangerous

Everyone else is stealing

Everyone else is cheating

Called himself 'one of the best guys I would ever meet'/This would change when he was rarely remorseful to how he 'didn't want to be the Monster in my life anymore'

Everyone else is on a power/ego trip

He is alone with no friends or company/split to he has plenty of friends and talks to plenty of people every day

Everyone else is lying

Everyone else is manipulative

One of the first negative things I remember him saying to me, (after we had made love I thought) was 'You will never get in here' (-insert my name and pointing to his head), 'I will never let you in'.  This was coldly chilling so early in the union, and I never forgot it.

He often referred to himself as the devil in the early days too, and even joked about it.

This was usually said in the aftermath of yet another instigated conflict by him, sparked off by his Spanish Inquisition and extreme Verbal Abuse towards me. (I would 9/10 refuse to defend/justify myself to his accusations) after trying to initially placate him and be loving and kind about his doubts.

Ironically, he would turn it into I wasn't being loving enough and he was 'in pain and hurting', yet all I ever saw was extreme anger.

Trying to reassure him/cuddle him/soothe his doubts with proof/validate his feelings never got me anywhere.

I pretty quickly learnt as soon as he became like this, that I would need to escape, because his attacks would be relentless.

If I tried to leave, he would hurt me, or trap me so I couldn't, stealing my keys, hiding my wallet, blocking my way, chasing me in his car or whatever he felt like doing, keeping me awake all night was his favourite form of torture, then he would follow me to work and begin another attack.

I would also ask him to leave peacefully, and return when he could behave or had cooled off. He would NEVER do this. Or if he did occasionally, he would be back 5 seconds later to begin another attack on me.

After several hours of this, I would be forced to tell him to return to his parents or leave in general. When he got violent or more aggressive, I would try to use what the Police call 'reasonable force' to lead him out of my house, at these times he would become more dangerous, and I would tell him that I would be calling the Police if he wouldn't leave me alone.

Sometimes he got more dangerous, but more often than not, if the Police were on their way before he could stop me, he would make threats and scoff at me.

I was often at my wits end, nothing worked, and quite honestly I refused to be kept awake every night or having to hide in another room in my home.

If my family were there at the time, He would be sneakier about his abusiveness, but on occasion would lose in in front of them too, and try to embroil them in a physical fight if confronted by them and told to leave he would play the same game.

By the end of 2 years of this crap, (with endless public and workplace humiliations) plus the ever present violence, not to mention supporting him financially too, I told him that since he had had plenty of opportunities to work on our relationship and change his ways, (put in the same effort to save the relationship as I was) then he didn't deserve to live in my house.

I told him that it was my desire, (along with my children) that we live in a peaceful, non-anxiety ridden home, if he didn't want to be a part of that then he wasn't welcome as a resident any longer.

This was the last beginning of the long drawn out end.