Utterly Alone Living With BPD/NPD Mom + NPD Stepdad

[jmanvo2015]

Morning everyone 

Well, here I am in my mid-forties living with my NPD/BPD mother and NPD stepfather.  Why?  Honestly, I thought it would be easier than living alone because being alone I was starting to suffer from debilitating depression.  Guess what?  It's pretty much exactly the same.

You see, I'm an only child without very much family.  When I was growing up my BPD/NPD mom + NPD dad always made me feel left out, criticized, shamed and bad about myself.  I remember that around 11 years old, I began a lifelong habit of binge eating.  The food filled a craving for love, intimacy and protection that I never got from my self-absorbed, angry, manipulative parents.

Honestly, what was I thinking living with them again? I'm in the exact same situation.  Last night, I ate a pound cake.     This morning, my NPD stepfather came into the kitchen and he didn't even say good morning.  He just got his coffee and ignored me.  Yes, that's how it is with him - except when he has something to criticize me about    Wow.  He was acting that way towards me when I was 8 years old.  How can somebody be that mean to a little kid?  What an a$$*&le, right?

On any given day, my mother displays a roller coaster of moods and emotions.  Is she happy?  Is she angry?  Is she in good-mommy mode?  Is she in queen-bee mode?  Who will she be today? How many things will she criticize me for today?  Will it be 5 or more, 10 or more?  Should I be writing these things down?    :'(

Why am I here?  We had terrible problems at the condo I was living in (which my parents had sort of "given" to me, but it was an Indian-giver gift and too complicated and boring to explain).  It got bad and I really felt scared and lonely there.  The development was tanking and I was starting to worry even about being robbed.  Where my parents live is really nice - very pretty country club setting.  There are beautiful walking trails, the neighbors are friendly, etc.    It's so much nicer here.  I guess, I figure since I'm 45 and single without much family, if I stay here eventually they'll need me to care for them (there have already been illnesses) and then I'll inherit this place. I know I'll be much happier here in my old age as a single spinster than I would've been if I stayed.

So, that's the trade off for me.  Put up with my miserable, abusive parents, but try to keep my eye on the bigger prize: this will position me to be in a better place when they pass away.

So, this post is for me to ask all of you: do you have any advice for new ways to cope?  How about advice on making friends after 40?  I do have "friends" but not close ones because until recently I attracted abusive, manipulative people like my parents.  Now, I think I'm healthier and spot losers quicker, so I'm ready to go out there again and try to create a support network for myself.

[trees]

do you have any advice for new ways to cope?  How about advice on making friends after 40?

Do you have any hobbies? Things that you would like to learn? Any passions?

All of the friends I've met as an adult that I didn't meet at work I've met through activities-- volunteering with a dog rescue group, taking art classes at the local community center, playing in a rec league... .Aside from the bonus of getting you out of the house & away from your mom & stepdad, I find it really therapeutic to do things that I love.

[trees]

(Sorry, don't know how to edit posts): I also wanted to add-- when I moved to a new town as an adult, it took me a really long time to make new friends, and that was with a job. I was really hard on myself, and got depressed about it. It can take time (took me about a yr).

I also tried went to a lot of big social events that I didn't really want to do, just to try to meet people. I think it didn't work for me b/c I'm introverted & I felt stressed out & uncomfortable. It was so much easier for me to make friends in smaller settings where I was pursuing a hobby or interest. I also think it helped that the people I met in those situations had at least one thing in common with me.

But that's just me. If you're more extroverted, then maybe going to large social events would be a good idea too (music festivals, art fairs, singles gatherings, speeding dating, dances... .)

[jmanvo2015]

Trees - thanks for the good advice.  I was thinking along those lines.  I love art, too.  I also have signed up for a golf clinic and a few over 40 singles groups on Meetup.com  I'm sure everything will start coming together as I make more of an effort to make friends and become active.  Thank you!   

[trees]

Yay! Golf sounds like a great idea, esp. in Florida. The singles groups too! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll meet some awesome people.   And if nothing else, it's time away from the parents, right?

I can't recommend art classes enough. I tried a bunch of diff. classes until I found what type of art I liked. I've never been able to meditate (can't sit still) but found art to be really therapeutic & almost meditative-- I'd get into a zone/happy place and the class would just whizz by. (It's also through my art classes that I met my friend who instantly figured out my mom.)

[Harri]

Jman, I feel for you in your situation.  I was thinking about you earlier and remembering back to when I lived with my parents.  My finding out about BPD is what prompted me to move out and here you were doing the opposite.  It made me really pause and try to imagine having to set boundaries and use SET and JADE and all that jazz and I am not sure I would have been able to manage.  Even later when I did move back with just my father, it was a struggle.  Anyway, I am very glad to read that you are actively looking for activities to get involved with and that will get you out of the house.   

I read almost all of the different boards here and I was wondering if you have read any posts over on the Staying board?  You might find some of the posts there helpful so I figured I would mention it if you had not already ventured over there.

Take good care.

[jmanvo2015]

Hi Harri, thank you for reaching out to me again.  I appreciate your thoughtfulness.  This is not an easy situation, but it's a great opportunity to really pinpoint the behaviors of my NPD/BPD mother + NPD stepfather that have caused the most difficulty for me in establishing my own healthy and rewarding relationships.  For example, at dinner tonight, I really observed how critical and demeaning my NPD stepfather is towards me.  He is teeming with resentment - so much so that it's palpable.  I was thinking about this and realized that he's been so cruel and emotionally unavailable to me and the irony of the situation is that God took away his youngest son.  He died on his 21st birthday when I was only 20.  My stepfather's other son hasn't spoken to him since 2002 with no explanation whatsoever.  I was thinking about karma in relation to all of this.  I don't think that my stepfather puts it all together, but I believe in my heart that the more mean and hurtful he is towards me, the more karma has broken relationships that are important to him.  So, I try to just look at him and feel the irony and have pity.  I am also now forcing myself after everyone of these critical interactions to go and read the "love" letter I wrote to myself that reminds me that I'm good and kind and deserve to be loved.  Because, frankly, after every negative reaction with him I feel full of shame and inadequacy.  I actually feel physically repulsive after spending time with him - like I'm inherently flawed and unlovable.  I can really see now how my binge eating began when he entered my life.  I just have to keep fighting those impressions and reminding myself that they aren't real - that I don't need to absorb his hatred towards me.

I didn't even know there was a "staying" board.  I am not sure how to find that, but will try.  If there is a link to it would you be kind enough to send it to me?

Thanks and big hug   

[Harri]

here is a link to the Staying: Improving your relationship with a borderline partner https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

It is really for people married to or who are SO of BPDs, but many of them have daily contact and or live with a pwBPD and like I said you may find it helpful to see how they manage to use SET and all that stuff.

[jmanvo2015]

Oh boy Harri.  Last night everything hit the fan.  :'(

I just can't do it anymore.  To have these two domineering, arrogant people just constantly criticizing me and yelling. I totally lost my cool.  Please see my other post.  I think that NC is going to be the only option for me until my stepfather dies.  He was horrible when I was a kid, but now he's even worse - mean, old and miserly and he baited me last night and I took the bait. Even though I'm with my uncle now he's an alcholic who grew up with my mom, so he also had an abusive upbringing.  I can't lean too heavily on him - he just lost his wife of 18 years.  But he is being great.  He knows my mom.  He's already lending me money.  It's just that none of this is good. I'm afraid that because my uncle has a similar mindset to my mom, he will eventually end up feeling that I'm not grateful enough and he will resent my being here.  There is not one person in my family that I can turn to.  My biological father is a compulsive gambler and alcoholic, so I can't turn to him.  Everyone else is mired in their own problems.  I've never felt so disenfranchised and alone.  I have looked up the meeting schedules for Al-Anon, ACOA and Codependents Anonymous and I'm going to start going to as many meetings as I can in the hopes of making some friends that I can share this pain with.  Because I really can't share these tragic stories with people in the "real" world.  And speaking of that - the comment your "Friend" put on your FB about the witch being dead was horrible and invalidating and it's for that reason that I never share my family horror stories with people outside of therapy support groups.  People judge and then that makes us feel worse.  But, trust me, that was a really lousy comment!  I have reached out to a friend that I know is hiring and my uncle gave me the card to use the gym where I'm staying.

So, tomorrow, I'll just get up and start all over again... .again... . :'( (cue the self-pity violins, but only for a few minutes because then I have to pick myself up and move on... .)

I used to have faith, but I'm so angry at God right now.  I told him that last night, but the good news is that I prayed.  I mean right now - what else can I do?