Her birthday's coming up - to congratulate or not?

[misty_red]

There are so many threads about this topic…

Next week is her birthday. I don’t know whether to congratulate or not.

I got the final discard by the end of July („Leave me alone finally“, after I set some boundaries and hinted that we maybe should stop the friendship because we are hurting each other). Reached out two times in between six weeks of NC to have a proper closure. She didn’t respond, but bullied me covertly in practice (we used to play in the same sports team). She isn’t in the team anymore and is leaving the town for good in December. She’s somehow sticking around in our WhatsApp-group chat of the team, a bit weird I think.

I’m in NC again for one month. I’d so like to congratulate her. Write her something like „Happy birthday. I wish you well for your future in [town she’s moving to].“.

I just don’t know what to do. I guess she couldn’t care less if I congratulate her or not… First because she always said birthdays aren’t a big deal for her and second because she said to me I should leave her alone (and I don’t want to overstep her boundaries, I wanna respect that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore). On the other hand I feel like congratulating would be the right thing to do. By the time of my birthday I was getting the silent treatment (we were still a couple) but she congratulated me anyway. She told me that she needed herself to distance from me but wanted to show me that she somehow is around and still with me by congratulating me, she even excused for ruining my birthday with her behaviour. Maybe it was just an excuse to recycle/charm. I don’t know.

I guess it’s a situation where I can only lose. When I congratulate she’ll think I’ve overstepped her boundaries and when I don’t she’ll think „I was right from the beginning, she’s an evil assh*le, a cruel human being who isn’t even capable of congratulating.

This is so difficult… I don’t exactly want her in my life the way she was before. I know logically that it’s better if she’s out of my life. But I still want to be decent and polite to her, still want to treat her like a human being that matters (because she does). I want her to know that I don’t hate her but I’m not allowed to tell her because she doesn’t want me to. It’s fine if she hates me. I can live with that. But I don’t want her to think I hate her. Because I don’t.

Please help me out here… What would you do? It’s not that I still have romantic feelings for her anymore. I actually really feel for her like a little lost child…

Being in NC feels good for my recovery, but I also feel like I’m hurting her with that very much. I don’t want her to hurt.

[fred6]

There are so many threads about this topic…

Next week is her birthday. I don’t know whether to congratulate or not.

I got the final discard by the end of July („Leave me alone finally“, after I set some boundaries and hinted that we maybe should stop the friendship because we are hurting each other). Reached out two times in between six weeks of NC to have a proper closure. She didn’t respond, but bullied me covertly in practice (we used to play in the same sports team). She isn’t in the team anymore and is leaving the town for good in December. She’s somehow sticking around in our WhatsApp-group chat of the team, a bit weird I think.

I’m in NC again for one month. I’d so like to congratulate her. Write her something like „Happy birthday. I wish you well for your future in [town she’s moving to].“.

I just don’t know what to do. I guess she couldn’t care less if I congratulate her or not… First because she always said birthdays aren’t a big deal for her and second because she said to me I should leave her alone (and I don’t want to overstep her boundaries, I wanna respect that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore). On the other hand I feel like congratulating would be the right thing to do. By the time of my birthday I was getting the silent treatment (we were still a couple) but she congratulated me anyway. She told me that she needed herself to distance from me but wanted to show me that she somehow is around and still with me by congratulating me, she even excused for ruining my birthday with her behaviour. Maybe it was just an excuse to recycle/charm. I don’t know.

I guess it’s a situation where I can only lose. When I congratulate she’ll think I’ve overstepped her boundaries and when I don’t she’ll think „I was right from the beginning, she’s an evil assh*le, a cruel human being who isn’t even capable of congratulating.

This is so difficult… I don’t exactly want her in my life the way she was before. I know logically that it’s better if she’s out of my life. But I still want to be decent and polite to her, still want to treat her like a human being that matters (because she does). I want her to know that I don’t hate her but I’m not allowed to tell her because she doesn’t want me to. It’s fine if she hates me. I can live with that. But I don’t want her to think I hate her. Because I don’t.

Please help me out here… What would you do? It’s not that I still have romantic feelings for her anymore. I actually really feel for her like a little lost child…

Being in NC feels good for my recovery, but I also feel like I’m hurting her with that very much. I don’t want her to hurt.

My ex's birthday is November 1. Not sure what I'm going to do yet. But I know that I'm not going to call, text, or FB her. My only option is to send a birthday card in the mail. And since she doesn't know my address, I won't put my return address on it. Or I may just give it to her son to give to her. In the card I will only say, "Happy birthday, I hope you're happy and everything is going well for you. Take care!

Then again, I may not do anything. Not sure yet.

[misty_red]

There are so many threads about this topic…

Next week is her birthday. I don’t know whether to congratulate or not.

I got the final discard by the end of July („Leave me alone finally“, after I set some boundaries and hinted that we maybe should stop the friendship because we are hurting each other). Reached out two times in between six weeks of NC to have a proper closure. She didn’t respond, but bullied me covertly in practice (we used to play in the same sports team). She isn’t in the team anymore and is leaving the town for good in December. She’s somehow sticking around in our WhatsApp-group chat of the team, a bit weird I think.

I’m in NC again for one month. I’d so like to congratulate her. Write her something like „Happy birthday. I wish you well for your future in [town she’s moving to].“.

I just don’t know what to do. I guess she couldn’t care less if I congratulate her or not… First because she always said birthdays aren’t a big deal for her and second because she said to me I should leave her alone (and I don’t want to overstep her boundaries, I wanna respect that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore). On the other hand I feel like congratulating would be the right thing to do. By the time of my birthday I was getting the silent treatment (we were still a couple) but she congratulated me anyway. She told me that she needed herself to distance from me but wanted to show me that she somehow is around and still with me by congratulating me, she even excused for ruining my birthday with her behaviour. Maybe it was just an excuse to recycle/charm. I don’t know.

I guess it’s a situation where I can only lose. When I congratulate she’ll think I’ve overstepped her boundaries and when I don’t she’ll think „I was right from the beginning, she’s an evil assh*le, a cruel human being who isn’t even capable of congratulating.

This is so difficult… I don’t exactly want her in my life the way she was before. I know logically that it’s better if she’s out of my life. But I still want to be decent and polite to her, still want to treat her like a human being that matters (because she does). I want her to know that I don’t hate her but I’m not allowed to tell her because she doesn’t want me to. It’s fine if she hates me. I can live with that. But I don’t want her to think I hate her. Because I don’t.

Please help me out here… What would you do? It’s not that I still have romantic feelings for her anymore. I actually really feel for her like a little lost child…

Being in NC feels good for my recovery, but I also feel like I’m hurting her with that very much. I don’t want her to hurt.

My ex's birthday is November 1. Not sure what I'm going to do yet. But I know that I'm not going to call, text, or FB her. My only option is to send a birthday card in the mail. And since she doesn't know my address, I won't put my return address on it. Or I may just give it to her son to give to her. In the card I will only say, "Happy birthday, I hope you're happy and everything is going well for you. Take care!

Then again, I may not do anything. Not sure yet.

I thought about sending her a card via mail as well. But I think I'm too afraid she might accuse me of stalking - even if there'll be no adress on the card. I feel like I'm being forced to behave like a cruel human being. It hurts so much.

[neverloveagain]

Stay strong stay nc keep the doors firmly shut. They move on for right or wrong and us noms should too. Try and keep clear of the fog and stay strong.

[lm911]

Funny thing, mine has birthday in December, too. I am in no contact, but I am planning to give her a present and surprise her. Not sure why I want to this, by may be because I thnk that this will make her feel better. Although it will not.

[mrclear]

Hi,

I can understand and sympathize with those who think they are being kind, respectful, caring or simply ironing out wrinkles of the past by sending a birthday-wish. But it will not be received as such and will never beget any (even subconsciously) desired response.

NC means NC! Believe me, it's the best thing to do to set boundaries and protect yourself from whatever reaction they have in store to keep you hooked, split, devaluated or recycled.

A birthday-greeting might invoke all these things and worse. It's never about you, it's about them.

Atb, mrclear

[Deeno02]

Dont do it. Its not worth it at all. Took all the strength i had not to. Plus it would be a lie anyway, as i do not wish her any happiness at all...

[shellbent]

Thankfully my exes birthday was around when we broke up. I was away for two weeks and in the meantime I wrote her a poem. It was about her and a very inspiring poem that even included 3 of her family members names. (she later told me she thought that I downloaded the poem and didn't write it myself)

My birthday was one month later and she wrote blahblah hb on my FB wall.

It is funny though that any other person she knows has a birthday, she posts some kind of picture to their wall. So it really sucks that she gave less thought to wishing me a hb than her acquaintances.

I wrote her letters, I should not have sent those. I told her I needed no contact to heal as I was still in love. She later told me back those words as "I cannot bare to hear your voice". So anything I said was taken negatively.

I tried being nice to my ex and all I got was rejected and had excuses thrown my way. She didn't tell me to leave her alone, but I think it was implied.

If you feel like sending them a birthday wish, and a present, she will most likely take it as some sort of bribery. She probably would feel that you want or need something from her.

I think it is ok though to just wish her a happy birthday and leave it so that you don't expect a response.

Like: "I just remembered it was your Birthday today, so wanted to wish you a happy one" or whatever.

My ex doesn't contact me because she wants to prove that she doesn't need me in her life. And I think she would feel like if she did contact me (even at work) she would be giving me false hope that she wants something from me.

Then again she as really no fear of losing me, I told her and wrote he things I should have never.

I think what helps is being completely dry emotionally, if we are too emotional they just want to collapse into a heap. They need to be able to unload all the crap once they just can't keep it all in. So we needed to dry their rivers of emotion. I think they have a yearning to fill someone up with their emotions, someone who deals with them well or barely affected by them at all. That is how I felt with my ex, she didn't understand half the time what she was feeling. But at least then when I was calm, she was still trying to explain things and talked to me.

I think if you want to be there for her, it is enough if you just are. Don't expect anything to change anytime soon. If you keep contacting her, she will feel like you are a caring parent that will always be at arms reach.

I did this and my ex probably knows that I would still fall for her tricks. I am convinced though that knowing what I know now I would definitely be cautious even when talking to her.

So I am going insane because I keep hoping she'll talk to me. I just want to give up and let go. Because I care so much, but it doesn't matter to her, and even if it does, she never shows it or says anything. So if you can keep NC, that is the best thing to do. I suppose you can casually send a message every couple of months just to see if they remembered something all of the sudden.

I didn't stop and I really should have, but I was like a heroin addict. I kept sending her texts wanting to talk, so after I stopped giving her a way to reject me, I was getting hurt much less. I would just start up small conversations in the elevator or smoking outside. But I wish that I didn't have to see her all day at work. This kills me. If I could only go NC, she might even realize she will lose me.

[seeking balance]

Do you want to contact her out of a genuine "happy birthday" or out of obligation to the relationship you once had?

[tim_tom]

send her a bag of poop

[DivorcedNon]

Absolutely do not contact her for her birthday or any other occasion. Also, do not respond if she contacts you. Nothing good will come out of it. Stay NC and you will be ok.

[Mr Hollande]

I'll echo what everyone else has said. Minus the bag of poop. Postage is too expensive to waste on human waste for human waste nowadays. Stay strong - stay NC!

[camuse]

Of course you shouldn't wish her a happy birthday. I can't believe you would even consider it. I wish mine had a birthday coming up so I could deliberately ignore it.

[rickdeckard]

I'll echo what everyone else has said. Minus the bag of poop.

That made me laugh... .

I didnt send anything for her b'day. Not even a post on my FB for her to stalk to. When I closed the door I meant it.

But that is what I did/did not do. I wanted her out of my life completely. And initiating contact, for any reason, would have been opening that door.

Do as thou wilt. Just think the consequences for you out first. Acting on feelings can lead to trouble.

[Mr Hollande]

I wish mine had a birthday coming up so I could deliberately ignore it.

Hear hear!

When I closed the door I meant it.

As Travis Bickle would put it, damned straight!

Do as thou wilt... .

... .shall be the whole of the Law.

[Nicolai]

Sure! I would congratulate her. After all... She is one year closer to death! That needs to be celebrated!

[tim_tom]

Sure! I would congratulate her. After all... She is one year closer to death! That needs to be celebrated!

hahaha... that is a good one.

[fred6]

Sure! I would congratulate her. After all... She is one year closer to death! That needs to be celebrated!

I amend my birthday card. I will write.

Happy birthday, you are one year closer to your death. I hope karma is finding you wherever you are. Take care of yourself, you'll eventually need it!

Bwahahaha, that's classic.

[maric]

Don't do it. It just happened to me 3 weeks ago. It was her birthday and I sent an short email: "Happy birthday, wish you a great day full of sweets" (she loves sweets). Anyways, the answer I got was: "Thanks! Yes, indeed, I got a lot of candies for my birthday, specially the ones you don't like". She said that because she loves some kind of black candy that I find awful.

But I know that it was my replacement who gave her the candies. Shortly after our breakup there was posts on facebook of them talking about the damn black candies.

So, she just scrub it on my face. Again. I mean, how much humiliation one can take?

Don't write to her. Chances are she'll be rude to you and you will get depressed. Keep your power. Isn't this "power and control" in rs that these pwBPD like so much? DON'T GIVE IT TO HER!

[misty_red]

Thank you all for your response. Thank you for your reasons to not congratulate her. I needed that. I guess in thought I will be congratulating anyway but I won't send anything... .I know I'll feel bad about it, but I guess it's for the better.

About the power and control-thing. I know my ex thrives on that a lot. In an honest minute I asked her if she felt like needing to be in control and asked "Is it about power?" and she said "Yes, absolutely." I do understand lots of behaviour traits about her. Not entirely, but a lot, my elder sister is a BPD as well. But different. She's a BPD-queen, my ex is a hermit. But still some things are similar. Maybe that's also the reason I got in a relationship with my ex the first time. Whatever.

I feel for her in a very deep way, might be trauma bonds, I know. Still I can't negate the fact I feel for her. I WILL be fine in the end, that I know. I'm a very resilient human being.

I somehow also sense that she's waiting for me to congratulate her on her birthday. Like to prove a point or something. So I should not congratulate. But you know, for me it's not about power and control and it never was. If she thinks I still am hooked, well, whatever. I don't play these games. But whatever, I won't congratulate her. Maybe then she'll leave the group and get that I won't be around anymore.

I couldn't get into an intimate relationship with her anyhow anymore. I'd feel soo wrong. Towards the end of our relationship and then friendship I more felt like her mother or something. She at leasted treated me always like I was someone bad insulting and rebuking her. She always reacted like a sulky child. And I see that behaviour everyday, I work with little children. So yeah, but maybe that's the reason I feel so bad about not congratulating her. I hated it myself when I was young and felt like I did something bad and my parents wouldn't reach out to soothe me or say "It's fine, we don't hate you." but I was also too intimidated and fearing rejection to apologize. When you throw a temper tantrum and for the moment you hate everyone, you run away, you calm down and see your behaviour was too strong and harsh, you want to apologize but you're too afraid of doing it because you think you screwed it anyway and that they'll hate you forever now. I guess that's what some BPDs might feel sometimes. And they might be waiting for us to come and say "It's okay, you didn't screw it. We don't hate you." I wanna tell her that, but I also want to tell her that I can't have her in my life the way it was before. Ugh. Cognitive dissonance very much.

One day I'm fine, the other I'm not. First weeks of NC were great, now the urge to write her is getting stronger, like she's singing in siren song, like she's summoning me. It sounds crazy, I know. But it feels like it. Blah. :/

[Fluff]

What's the talk about birthdays? It's not a big deal. Especially not in this context. Of course you shouldn't break NC just because its her birthday, or christmas... .or a wednesday.

[Mr Hollande]

Maybe then she'll leave the group and get that I won't be around anymore.

Making clear the fact that you will not be her provider for anything anymore will hit her right between the eyes. Of that you can be certain. The power is in your hands.

[Deeno02]

Maybe then she'll leave the group and get that I won't be around anymore.

Making clear the fact that you will not be her provider for anything anymore will hit her right between the eyes. Of that you can be certain. The power is in your hands.

my exBPDgf Leaves me alone cuz shes with the new guy. Hope it stays that way... .She gets to move on, I get therapy... .yippee

[Aussie0zborn]

My ex's birthday was last week. I didn't realise it until I typed the date in a letter. I knew the date that day but it didn't click that it was her birthday until I typed the date, one letter at a time. That's how interested I am.

You're not her carer anymore and it's not your job any longer to make her feel good.  My experience and observations is that showing her any concern, care or empathy will be seen as a weakness and they hate us for it. I feel they hate the fact that we can empathise while they can't. Mine used to fake empathy so well and hated me for my natural empathy.

I don't believe any good can come of it. Stand your ground and don't hand her your power. I know it will make you feel good because you are a gentleman but this is not worth your effort.  Go and help out at the local orphanage if you want to do something good for people. At least there your efforts will be valued, respected and admired.

[goateeki]

Look, I know how strident and intolerant this is going to sound, but it's hard for me to understand why so many people want to wish a happy birthday to people who make their lives so crappy.  My wife of 19 years (recently diagnosed) had a BPD meltdown six months ago, I gave her six months to get her act together, and now I'm divorcing her.  Her birthday is November 2. I would sooner hug an ebola ridden corpse than wish her a happy birthday (graphic and gross, I know, but you get my point).

This has zero to do with anger.  It has everything to to do with the non getting bored with this garbage and remembering what self respect feels like.  When that happens, you feel nothing for the pwBPD.  It's as if you suddenly realize that the pwBPD is a giant walking pathogen, and you avoid having anything to do with it like you would avoid licking the doorknob of a public bathroom during flu season.

You're never going to get through to these people. They do not view the relationship as the non does.  They never have. It is in their makeup to wreck any kind of intimate relationship they're in. It's healthy for the non to accept that reality is the best teacher, and cut your losses, move on.

You know, there are some sane people in the world who are interested in romantic relationships.  Why do so many nons feel that they need to be in this one particular complex and deeply unsatisfying relationship? Life does not get longer.  It gets shorter. 

[Bak86]

My birthday is before her birthday. I really hope she leaves me alone and don't congratulate me.

[shellbent]

I'm sorry for those whose marriage was ruined by the disorder, but I feel like all the different opinions come from different levels of involvement. So we shouldn't generalize. I believe that my ex is a good person, with many pproblems. I think on some level she knows something lis wrong with her. But she doesn't try to manipulate or use someone if she  can help it. In fact  she refuses to ask me for help. yes pride also I know. Maybe I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, but not all of them are evil.

[RedDove]

I agree with everyone else. A birthday is about celebrating someones life and what they mean to you. We Nons never meant anything to our ex BPD partners. We were simply an amusement ride (one of many) for awhile to satisfy their needs. They aren't capable of caring about or loving anyone, not even themselves.

My ex BPDbf's birthday is coming up in a week. I plan to celebrate the fact that he is no longer part of my life anymore.   No more games, lies, deceit, hurt or pain. My life is peaceful and I'm 4 months out. I will not poke the angry demon with a stick and open myself up to more abuse.

My birthday was last month. I did not hear a peep from my ex BPDbf. I was relieved, because I feared he'd ruin my bday by breaking NC with a happy bday text. However, a week later he did break NC and sent me a message on a dating site I joined. No mention of my birthday. It was just putting out feelers with idealization and an attempt to recycle... ."Your Profile is great and your pics are absolutely gorgeous. You'll get scooped up in no time!   Clearly he's devaluing and getting ready to discard the OW. Or, perhaos was looking to triangulate us. They are selfish, self centered (me, me, me) and mentally ill.

Don't celebrate them, celebrate you and how far you've come on your journey towards healing and recovery!  

[Mr Hollande]

I know that my ex is capable of goodness. I know that she knows the difference between right and wrong. I also know that her illness plays havoc with her ability to make the choice between right and wrong. Unfortunately she chose to hurt someone - me - who loved her deeply and in a pretty sadistic and ultimately weak way. I know she's done it to others before and I also know she'll do it to those who'll love her in the future. I understand why but I won't excuse her for it. Nor will I forgive how she rewarded me for the years of love, support and loyalty I gave her. Whether she cares or not at this moment or if she ever will is immaterial to me. What's important is that I have set a new standard and the boundary of that standard will be felt should she ever try to cross it.

My ex's birthday is sometime in February. I will not be wishing her well or engage in any form of contact. Should she in the unlikely event decide to contact me regarding that I will just do what I've done since the break up. Put the phone down without a word and any online message or text will be left unopened and unanswered.

Which reminds me, when my new woman has her birthday I should give her all the more of my attention. If she's still around then I will spoil her rotten.

[DivorcedNon]

If she's still around then I will spoil her rotten.

Be careful with this! This is how trouble starts. The one woman that I will spoil rotten is my daughter. The other one will be her daughter if I am still around