Detached, Healthier but sometimes feel guilt

[Swiggle]

I’ve recently started working with my T to take a closer look at my childhood and how it contributed to my failed marriage of almost 11 years and two kids. I have detached and moved on and am far healthier after years of work and looking at things through a new lens. I still need to look at my past though so I have the whole picture.

Here are the red flags that I didn’t see when I met my ex, I was 18 he was 22 and how I was justifying them.

He was engaged to his high school sweetheart. They had been together for 7 years and were just out of

college when he and I met. I’m so lucky that someone like him, who is far out of my league would want to be with me so much that he leaves his fiancé.

He told me how their entire relationship was based on lies, most were lies that he told her in an effort to not “hurt” her. What a sweetheart trying not to hurt her and be loving and caring to do so.

He moved out of their apartment in with me within 6 months of meeting me. Wow he really loves me and is so excited to be with me, that he doesn’t want to take time for himself and be without me.

He wanted me to cut all ties with most of my friends, especially guy ones. He made me feel like I should be ashamed to have friends of the opposite sex. I can’t be trusted, I’m not the kind of girl who can have friends of the opposite sex he must be right about me.

Before we were living together but seeing each other, he would follow me home from places (even if I was with girlfriends). They thought he was creepy, he said he just wanted to make sure I got home safe. Such a sweet guy who would go out of his way to escort me home, no one else has ever done these things for me he must really care.

He had massive amounts of debt, like 20k when we met…he was only 22. He likes nice things and likes to buy expensive stuff. He had fun in college, that’s what the college experience is all about. I did not go to college so I had nothing to compare it to. His parents paid for college but must have not given him any spending money.

He was cocky. He is so confident and has a really high self esteem.

Once we moved from my hometown to where his family lived (4 hours away) I was isolated and it slowly started. Everything was always my fault and he was always treating me like I was a child. I can’t manage myself or anything else, I must let him control me so I don’t do something stupid or make poor choices.

We moved in with his parents for almost 3 years and didn’t get engaged until just before we bought our first house. He really does want to get back on our feet financially since he is willing to live with mom/dad while we pay off his debt.   

he often told me that he saved me, that if it weren’t for him I would have 5 kids and live in a trailer park. He was right, I had made so many bad choices with boys as a teenager that I couldn’t be trusted without him saving me.

He became antisocial. Never wanted to go out and do things. When we were home together he was always off on his own working or doing whatever. This mostly happened after we had kids. He works so hard to provide for us that I can’t be upset that he never wants to do anything together or with the kids.

His parents moved in with us when my DD was a year old. They traveled a lot, we had the room and were very close to them. it was perferct until FIL started having an affair with a women overseas and I busted him. When I asked my ex to handle it since MIL was understandably not in a good place he did not. It is like he wanted to look the other way than address the fact that it wasn’t healthy for me, him or our DD to be around the craziness going on with his parents. Finally I blew the whistle on FIL without telling ex and a few weeks later his parents moved out. Several years later FIL left car at airport with a letter to MIL that he was leaving. We never saw him again, he died overseas with his girlfriend. I think ex blames me for all of this. But the biggest thing I learned is that he wasn’t willing to protect me and DD over his mother.

He became even more hurtful and distant after the stuff with his parents. I was so alone! I was a married, single mom 100% responsible for now 2 kids, our home, our schedules with kids, school stuff with kids and I worked full time. He worked, paid the bills, cut the grass and would show up for things when he needed to be seen. There are no excuse for my behavior but I was unfaithful, he found out confronted me and I broke it off with the person and convinced myself that it was all my fault and how dare I do that to him. We started counseling and he made a few minor changes but they were really on the surface. He continued to take no responsibility for the issues in our marriage because they were all in my head. He states he gave me everything, he made over 100k a yr, we had a nice home, nice cars and we had “stuff” how dare I be unhappy.

A year later it happened again, I was unfaithful, this time I met this person and realized, holy crap there are some major issues with me and in my marriage. I left my ex, he filed for divorce a week later. Divorce was final in Sep. 2010, he told me he was looking for my replacement the day I walked out the door he started dating his new GF, who is now engaged to, 3 months after we divorced. I walked away with a few personal items, no child support, $250 in alimony because the last year of marriage I lost my job and was staying home and gave him the house $300k and about $75k in equity. I felt guilt and just wanted to get away without as little damage to HIM as possible. I was not taking very good care of me or looking ahead for my kids.  We recycled from the divorce in 2010 to Nov. 2011. I even told his GF in June of 2011 about our ongoing relationship but she chose not to head my advice. He had told her that he had only had parental contact with me since the divorce. We had just been together as a family and intimately the Sunday before I told her these things.  When I finally got clear and told him I was willing to do the work to make our family work, but I was no longer willing to participate with him in a RS while he was also involved with the GF. I will never forget the exchange…

Me: I love you and will do whatever work it takes to make us and our family whole again but I will no longer be your other women. Are we going to do this?

Him: I will not answer that question

Me: no answer is an answer in my book.

Him: Just because I don’t say yes, doesn’t mean I mean no.

That was the last time we had any contact other than things related to my kids.  But he continued to make my life hell and used the kids whenever he could to hurt me.

A few months after our last recycle I went back to court for child support, I was barely making it on my own and he made sure to make it even more difficult every chance he got. While in court for CS he said he could no longer afford our marital home and sold it, he moved into his mom’s basement of her 2 bedroom condo and has been there since 2011. My kids don’t even have their own space. He has a summer car and a winter car but can’t afford to get an apartment so that the kids can have a room. It makes me soo angry but I’ve learned to expect this from him.

During one of our recycles he went with me to T. To this day she thinks he is NP and I’ve read and know that he will probably never change. After learning about NP and BPD I had to wonder if I was BPD, I cheated on him, I got out of control a few times while we were recycling. He once accused me of being bi-polar. I can still look at all of these things he says/does and justify it without saying “no this is wrong”. I look back at my life with him and think of the good times we did have but I get so sad knowing that it feels like it was all a lie. I feel like I didn’t really know him and I question so many instances where he told me something and now I wonder if he was being honest.  It is sad and while I don’t feel for him like I once did, it is hard knowing that there is a part of me that will always struggle with “how could I have loved someone like this”. And why do I still hope that one day for the sake of my kids he will stop acting in such hurtful, selfish, manipulative and shady ways.

I’m not sure what I hope to get out of this, but reading another thread here prompted me to put some things on paper. Writing can be very therapeutic, I see all this stuff and sometimes still find myself blaming myself for the entire situation. I feel bad for his fiancé, the situations are so similar to his first fiancé and I wonder how long until another “me” comes along and he leaves her. I think he thought he was saving her too. She had been divorced from her ex who was in jail for child porn, sex with a minor (under 15 I believe) and some other charges.   

It has been 4 years and I am so much better but it is a continuous journey. Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.