UPDATE I failed miserably NC w my ex BPDbf

[Mermaid lover]

I had posted last week about my ex BPDbf consistently reaching out to me to "talk".

He reached me through on WhatsApp to meet up to get "closure"- even though he broke up with ME after a four year relationship living together, planning on wedding, moving into our home and have a child.

After I sent him to hell and blocked him... .

He had called me at 1 am repeatedly from a payphone.

Then sent me an email.

Then reached out to our mutual friend to talk to me.

Finally he showed up to my job this fri that passed!

After nc and not seeing him for about 2 months, I just stood there shocked and in disbelief because I didn't think he would be that persistent all of a sudden and show up at my job. And I hadn't seen him in so long... .

I failed.

I let him take me home but we actually went to his place. Talked. it was like 'old times'. He was how I remember him, very sweet and loving. We had dinner together... .he said how much he missed me and my sparkling eyes, and my laughter. He missed how we laughed together and were silly and he missed holding me etch etc.

We were intimate  :'(

The next morning, he said he was still "unsure" about us and how if I wanted to not speak to him anymore he would understand.

UNDERSTAND//?

Long story short, I've been home crying all day. Still sick and still crying as I type this.

I don't know If he will contact me again. I just don't know what else to do if he does. I blocked him. Not responded to his emails, don't pick up his calls and now he shows up to my job... .

I'm at my wits end.

Any advice orfeedback or story relating would be of great help.

So incredibly heartbroken all over again.

[myself]

You didn't fail. You have love for this person.

You've put so much into it, it's hard to let go.

When I went back, I was still looking for answers.

Still seeing the good in her eyes. Still dreaming.

I was thinking earlier today, I wish I'd never gone back.

I dragged it out, and added pain. But I also learned my lesson.

I got the proof I needed about who she is, and who I am.

I've still had to face the consequences of all of that.

Finding it much easier to pick myself up when I was already getting there.

[patientandclear]

What do you want, do you know?  If you want a partner who is "sure" about you and the relationship, this is probably not that person.

So he said he is unsure.  If you wait that out without judgment and without pressure, it's perfectly possible he will stabilize and warm to the relationship again.  You are loading a whole lot of significance onto him saying he is "unsure" that would make sense if he did not have rapidly shifting feelings etc etc., but if he has BPD, he does.  Those feelings tend to shift back after dysregulation.  Sometimes it takes a while.  If you're patient and willing to wait, it may not be a big threat to the r/s -- unless you make it one by making that comment mean more than it does.

In my case, I could wait that kind of thing out, except in the immediate aftermath of the initial breakup when I was still so raw and felt so whipsawed and rejected.  I needed him to reassure me and he just couldn't.  He wasn't sure.  Later I got much more comfortable with this.  However he had other behaviors beyond just stated uncertainty that ended up not being cool with me.  We each have to figure out where we draw that line.  For you, if you need your partner to reassure and be certain, this is probably going to disappoint you.  But if you don't, he might not be going as far away as you fear, if you can just stay calm and listen and validate and not make it seems like these feelings of his are unacceptable.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Looks to me like a bait and dump job - his way of punishing you for NC.  Kick him to the curb and move on.  Don't waste anymore tears on him.

[kc sunshine]

Oh ouch, ML, that sounds so so so painful. I broke NC to try to be friends a couple of weeks ago, and, like the good people on the board warned me, it turned awful fast--so I can only imagine how painful it would have been if we had slept together  :'( :'( :'( .

And to add insult to injury, my ex blames me for the friend attempt-- even though she asked for my support, and kept wanting to engage. Why can't we both just say "we tried, and it didn't work"? 

Great that you got back on the board. Write here-- we are with you.   

[Mermaid lover]

thank you everyone.

Yes I was incredibly heart broken and devastated.  And get this, he called me just a couple hours ago to talk about this again. I finally said to get couples therapy because I'm at my wits end. Ive tried it all and he still does whatever it is possible to see me then throw me away. Sick sick ass.

Ive had it and don't know what else to do.

I need more help here so I'm about to search for a therapist that is trained with BPDs.

Lord help me.

[kc sunshine]

"Bait and dump"-- what a great phrase, it feels more fitting than push/pull.

Mermaid, that sounds like a great idea about finding a therapist. Keep us updated-- we're rooting for you (and will you share what insights come your way?)