10 Yeas Later, I Have Decided to Leave

[ATLandon]

Hi everyone. I have been on bpdfamily for a little over a year now and originally started out on the staying board, then moved to undecided shortly after getting married to my uBPDwife. Well, now here I am on the leaving board because I have finally come to my senses after all these years and having lost almost everyone and everything in my life. I feel lucky in that I know now to get the hell out and I do have some good friends who know what is going on and are helping me through the transition.

In a nutshell, I know that my wife is cheating on me with my roommate (now former best friend). This has been going on for at least a couple weeks. I made a very long post about it on the Undecided Board, which you can read here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235862.0

While I am sad and disappointed in her behavior, I'm also very relieved that I now have a legit "get out of jail free" card in order to end this relationship. This worst part is that for a few months I have to act like everything is cool with my wife and roommate in order to get my finances in order so that I can file for divorce. I also don't want to have to deal with unnecessary drama, rages, and destruction of my property while I wait for my roommate's lease to be up this summer.

I do worry about my uBPDwife when I leave. She has threatened suicide before in the past when I attempted to end the relationship and hence why I have stayed so long (traumatic FOG). Also, she only has a couple friends, she has estranged herself from most of her immediate family and the family she is close with live in different states.

I currently only work part-time as I have had a hard time with employment since I was laid off last year and now I'm going back to school. I knew I was going to need to take out loans once I got into a university for an RN degree, but now I'm considering taking out loans sooner just to have money to put away in a private checking account if I need to get out sooner than expected/have some financial independence. Well, I've probably said enough for one post.

Anyone else been through a similar situation, where you had to put on a good face for a while until you could get your house in order?

[Aussie0zborn]

I've been in that exact same position. Yes, you do have a "get out of jail free" card - use it wisely and don't give it up. You need this to free yourself of the FOG and get this horrible weight (the responsibility of her happiness) off your shoulders.

I left her two years before the final breakup. I had numerous "get out of jail free" cards in my hand. I waited patiently for two weeks until she went overseas to remove my things and move out without drama, without my things being smashed, and to avoid the general unpleasantness of her rages. But... .

I couldn't sit there quietly and the night before she departed I told her of my intention and the reasons.  She was shocked  that I had so much evidence against her, that I had been collecting it and not saying anything etc etc. I declared my hand because I felt totally betrayed and resented her for ruining everything I thought we had built. I left her and then went back and suffered even more than the first time.

The trick now is to use your "get out of jail free" card. Hang in there, bide your time, organise yourself and don't feel sorry for her.  The guy bonking her now will look after her when you're gone, so it's all good. And if he doesn't, somebody else will as the next guy is not too far away.

You seem to have figured all this out by yourself and made the decision. You sound like a smart guy. Carry on with that happy face and do what you need to do. It may not be easy on occasion but if you persevere you will be able to get out of that jail with as little scarring as possible. 

Don't crumble. Find what it is that will take your mind off any guilt. Your happiness is depending on it. 

[ATLandon]

I've been in that exact same position. Yes, you do have a "get out of jail free" card - use it wisely and don't give it up. You need this to free yourself of the FOG and get this horrible weight (the responsibility of her happiness) off your shoulders.

I left her two years before the final breakup. I had numerous "get out of jail free" cards in my hand. I waited patiently for two weeks until she went overseas to remove my things and move out without drama, without my things being smashed, and to avoid the general unpleasantness of her rages. But... .

I couldn't sit there quietly and the night before she departed I told her of my intention and the reasons.  She was shocked  that I had so much evidence against her, that I had been collecting it and not saying anything etc etc. I declared my hand because I felt totally betrayed and resented her for ruining everything I thought we had built. I left her and then went back and suffered even more than the first time.

The trick now is to use your "get out of jail free" card. Hang in there, bide your time, organise yourself and don't feel sorry for her.  The guy bonking her now will look after her when you're gone, so it's all good. And if he doesn't, somebody else will as the next guy is not too far away.

You seem to have figured all this out by yourself and made the decision. You sound like a smart guy. Carry on with that happy face and do what you need to do. It may not be easy on occasion but if you persevere you will be able to get out of that jail with as little scarring as possible. 

Don't crumble. Find what it is that will take your mind off any guilt. Your happiness is depending on it. 

Thanks for responding and I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through the same thing. While I do worry about my wife's well-being after I leave I do know that she does have good people in place who will be willing to take care of her, but only if she is willing to reach out to them. I know that I have control over that and I'm done with rescuing. You're absolutely right that my happiness does depend on me being strong, and not giving in. I've had to do something similar with an other relationship but I had only been with that woman for a few months and had never lived together. This is a totally different beast. I'm just glad that I'm planning to move far away from our home within the next year. This should give us both some good distance, both literally and figuratively, to move on with our own lives without interference.