Still not over it...

[Vatz]

So I'm approaching 4 months NC, after 4 years.

I'm working, engaging in hobbies, trying to socialize more, still though... .

I don't know why I want her back, she did a lot of hurtful things, and I was becoming someone I didn't like when I was with her. Maybe I just miss having someone around when I come home. It's just addiction, and I'm going through withdrawals. I had a dream where I flat out told her "Come back, I want to do everything to make this work. Just please come home." After asking and getting a typical response mentioning that there are things I'd have to do, or learn to get comfortable with. So ominous. I felt so anxious. The weirdest part was it was all through text, just waiting for hear her "demands" was nerve wracking. I remember times when I felt that way around her. It was horrible. But here I am, talking about her.

Not sure how long it's going to take.

I want to know how long it took some of you, and what was your process? What sort of thoughts and feelings did you experience. What did you do? For those that came out on top of it, and found someone new, was it easy? Is there hope, really? For those who "recovered," or even those who are in the process, I want to read your stories with as much detail as you care to include. Don't worry about walls of text, I want to know.

[fromheeltoheal]

OK Vatz, no problem.  My ex liked texting a lot too, and said she 'loved' her iPhone more than once; I now know that it was attractive because she could stay attached but keep people at arm's length so she wouldn't get triggered, and keep several attachments going at the same time, a borderline's dream come true.

Anyway, I was with my ex for about a year, and it took about a year to get over it.  i left her because I thought I was literally going insane, didn't know which way was up, just that I had to get the hell away.  I was in a daze for several weeks, then started a misinformed recreational self-medicating drinking binge that lasted through the holidays.  I then sobered up and decided to get my sht together, and started to get very, very angry at her, which snowballed into the rest of my life; if the wrong person had said the wrong thing to me during that time I would have gone to jail for sure.  Then the anger gave way to depression, just a funk I couldn't get out of, didn't give a sht about anything, and got physically sick for a couple of months.  I got fed up with that eventually, and got a spark of motivation to really do something about my life, take my power back all the way, and started eating better, working out, reading a lot of helpful books instead of vegging in front of the TV, and after several months of that things started looking up, I started to notice progress and feel better.  BTW, after the anger phase was done I really didn't think about her much at all, it became all about me and how the fck did I end up in such a place, only part of which I could blame her for.

So now, almost a year later, I hardly ever think about her, even when I'm posting here, and when I do, I honestly hope she's doing well and I've found compassion for her, mostly because it feels better in my heart.  She walks a tough road though, and my guess is some other guy or guys are currently going crazy trying to navigate in her orbit, and I don't envy them, although I know they're about to get great life lessons.  

So life is good today.  I've developed a lot of new friendships, many of them women, I'm showing up as who I am all the way, and I have very little tolerance for bullsht; I've removed quite a few people from my life because it just wasn't working, they weren't positive additions, and life's too short to spend it presenting false selves to keep the peace or try to be someone I'm not to make a relationship work.  Fck it.  I am who I am, I'm pretty fcking awesome, and if you want to show up in my life supportive and caring, great, otherwise you really need to go away.

That's me, thanks for the spew opportunity, and go Giants!

[Pingo]

Wow fromheeltoheal ^^ that is really inspiring.  I can relate to all of those stages you went through.  I am still going through.  I am also 4 mths out of my r/s Vatz, I am far from 'recovered' but I do feel I'm on the road there.  Like fromheeltoheal, I left him when I though I'd go insane otherwise.  I knew that my life depended on it.  I went through numbness in the beginning few weeks then BAMM the overwhelming grief.  "What have I done?"  I tried to numb some of the pain with alcohol for a while but I was able to see that this was a defense mechanism and got a grip on it. Fortunately through this time I was reading like a fiend (many of the books reviewed on this site) and seeing a T so this helped me from running back to the toxicity.   I've been sick for a couple of weeks and it sucks but has allowed me to slow down and focus on myself for a change. Through these last few months I also started to really focus on each day, each moment, trying not to get too far ahead of myself.  I'd ask myself "What do I need to do today to nurture myself?".  Often it was going to the Oceanside and just listening to the waves crashing.  I'd do this for hours.  I started to go for walks.  And I continued to read.  You are going through the withdrawal from an addiction as you stated. And it will take time.  We are so focused on the loss we experienced it's hard to realise that with this ending is also a beginning.  An opportunity for healing and growth, a new way of being.  And not just the healing of this loss we experienced but all the times we were abandoned, hurt, rejected, devalued, abused, etc.  I think that's why it hurts like hell.  It has exposed wounds I didn't even know were there!

[KeepOnGoing]

Thanks from heeltoheal and Pingo. This is great stuff. Just what I needed to hear myself. My question is this: how do you keep from constantly fantasizing about your pwBPD? Or how do you read or stare at the crashing waves of the ocean without constantly thinking about that person? Seems when I do have downtime to work on myself, I spent a lot of time on this message board or thinking about her or reverting back to looking at her social media to see what she's up to you…

[Hawk Ridge]

I do the same as keepongoing so I will follow this thread to get inspired.  Thank you

[fromheeltoheal]

how do you keep from constantly fantasizing about your pwBPD?

By separating the fantasy relationship in my head from the reality of what the relationship was and who she was.  Borderlines, with their ability to attach to people, borne out of an absolute necessity to do so based on how they're wired, awaken things in us that were maybe dormant for a long time, feelings that echo the feelings we got in infancy from connecting with our mother and/or whomever.  In a sense life is about trying to get back there.  And when a borderline comes at us with that attachment skill we get those feelings triggered all over again, and it feels great, our brain and heart take off with it, and the fantasy we create diverges from the reality.  And of course the way a borderline is wired it was a fantasy to begin with, a tool used to attach.

So as you shift your focus from the borderline and the relationship to you and your future, you can separate the two, and once you start digging into that fantasy you may just learn a lot of things about yourself, the gift of the relationship.  And also, as you do that, she will fade into the past, and you will begin to see her more objectively as well, and may end up developing compassion for her, once you realize what her reality is like, since it isn't pretty.  Take care of you!

[Pingo]

how do you keep from constantly fantasizing about your pwBPD?

By separating the fantasy relationship in my head from the reality of what the relationship was and who she was.  Borderlines, with their ability to attach to people, borne out of an absolute necessity to do so based on how they're wired, awaken things in us that were maybe dormant for a long time, feelings that echo the feelings we got in infancy from connecting with our mother and/or whomever.  In a sense life is about trying to get back there.  And when a borderline comes at us with that attachment skill we get those feelings triggered all over again, and it feels great, our brain and heart take off with it, and the fantasy we create diverges from the reality.  And of course the way a borderline is wired it was a fantasy to begin with, a tool used to attach.

So as you shift your focus from the borderline and the relationship to you and your future, you can separate the two, and once you start digging into that fantasy you may just learn a lot of things about yourself, the gift of the relationship.  And also, as you do that, she will fade into the past, and you will begin to see her more objectively as well, and may end up developing compassion for her, once you realize what her reality is like, since it isn't pretty.  Take care of you!

That is beautifully put fromheeltoheal.  When I am in those quiet moments when he consumes my thoughts or the sadness catches me by surprise I ask myself what is it that I am missing?  Is it him as a person?  The fantasy of who I thought he was or who I wished he was?  Maybe it's about something bigger than him?  Is the sadness really about times when I was a young child and felt abandoned or not cared for, rejected?  Am I crying for the loss of him or maybe the loss of me?  When in my past did I feel this way?  What did I do with those feelings?  I think it's important to feel the loss and sadness but it helps to take that moment and find the meaning in it.  So much of the intense pain we are experiencing is about much more than the loss of just our exes.  I've found it very helpful to do inner child work.  It's taken the focus off my ex and puts it on me.

[going places]

So I'm approaching 4 months NC, after 4 years.

I have been little contact (email only) for 2 months (and I LOVE IT)

This is after 25 YEARS.

I'm working, engaging in hobbies, trying to socialize more, still though... .

I don't know why I want her back, she did a lot of hurtful things, and I was becoming someone I didn't like when I was with her. Maybe I just miss having someone around when I come home. It's just addiction, and I'm going through withdrawals.

It's a habit.

Just like smoking.

Change your routine.

Rearrange your house, change the route you drive home, change where you hang your coat. Change your WHOLE routine when you get home.

Change the time you go home.

Instead of going straight home, stop and volunteer somewhere for an hour.

Then you will have someone to 'look forward' to seeing each night.

I had a dream where I flat out told her "Come back, I want to do everything to make this work. Just please come home." After asking and getting a typical response mentioning that there are things I'd have to do, or learn to get comfortable with. So ominous. I felt so anxious.

In real life, I said "come back and I will be anything and anyone you want me to be" and I did that for MONTHS... .until I became so depressed I wanted to blow my head off.

That "anxious" is your "gut" telling you this is a BAD DECISION don't do it.

Follow your gut.

The weirdest part was it was all through text, just waiting for hear her "demands" was nerve wracking. I remember times when I felt that way around her. It was horrible. But here I am, talking about her.

I loathe texting. It is not conversation and it is not effective communication beyond "please bring home milk" or "what time will you be home".

Not sure how long it's going to take.

I want to know how long it took some of you, and what was your process?

What sort of thoughts and feelings did you experience.

What did you do? For those that came out on top of it, and found someone new, was it easy?

Is there hope, really? For those who "recovered," or even those who are in the process, I want to read your stories with as much detail as you care to include. Don't worry about walls of text, I want to know.

How long and process?

Aug 14, 2011-July 8 2014

WHY did it take so long?

Because I was brainwashed, deeply depressed, diagnosed w/ PTSD, and thought 'if I just try harder, he will see I love him".

I WASTED 3 years of my life.

March 2014 I finally just had a come to Jesus with myself and said "LOOK he is a monster, and you are miserable, the kids are miserable, and you are not yourself. KNOCK IT OFF AND GET ON WITH IT".

I filed for divorce in April, it was final in June, I threw him out in July.

He wanted the divorce so bad... .he can live like divorced people... .somewhere else.

At first, I continued to text him (because he's a child and has ZERO communication skills, and he's a 'big man' texting)

Then I said no more.

Blocked him from my phone.

He can only email me.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I do not have to THINK about him / email him / text him / talk to him / see him... .EVERY SINGLE DAY I get stronger, I discover WHO I am (and it's good) I plan MY future, MY goals, MY DREAMS! It's amazing. Simply amazing.

Why I waited so longer is insane. What a waste of 3 years.

I educated myself as to WHY I picked him in the first place.

Then I quit focusing on HIM and his sickness / evil.

I started focusing on ME and my good, what I can do, what I will do... .

THE LESS I think about him, talk about him, think or talk about the past... .the more I can focus on the future!

NO there is no one else.

I have my adult kids and my job.

The thought of someone touching me right now makes me want to puke.

I need to heal ME, find ME, love ME... .before I want to be around anyone else.

I pray, a lot. My relationship with Jesus Christ is the only reason I am typing today. That, and my kids.

And I am so thankful for my Savior, and my kids.

I have so much life to live... .and I plan on living it.

[KeepOnGoing]

Bravo, GoingPlaces, and it sounds like you are!