Anyone successful at getting your (u)BPDp to seek help for BPD?

[Jenk]

Has anyone here succeeded in conveying the condition of BPD to your (u)BPDp just enough that s/he sought psychological help for it? Or did you explain the nature/symptoms of it until you were blue in the face, and s/he deflected, ignored or denigrated the information presented?


Thank you,

Jenk

[sisterofbpd]

I did try to encourage DBPDsis to go to a psychiatrist before she was diagnosed.  She ended up projecting on me, saying me, my parents, my bother, aunts and uncles and anyone else who thought she should go to the doctor were the ones who needed help.

She eventually got her self in a bad state mentally because her already existing mental condition and drug use made it worse and added to it.  The Psychiatrist told her in front of my parents that she has a Personality Disorder.  After screaming at the doctor, BPDsis stormed out. 

I tried talking her into going to another doctor because I was concerned and she cut our entire family off for like a year.  She ended up getting mental health arrested a couple times after that, but as I said, her drug use made BPD all the worse. 

Everyone is different though, but if your PBPD is defensive about things, you can expect that and much more if you try to talk to them about this. IMO

[gentlestguardian]

I've suggested to my BPDm that she see a therapist on numerous occasions throughout the years. Each suggestion was met with hostility, incredulity, and projection. She would say I was the one who needed therapy and that I had the mental issue. After her psychotic breakdown a few years ago, she finally determined she needed some psyche meds, so she put herself in therapy. It was the the healthiest I'd ever seen her, mentally speaking. But as soon as she got the meds she stopped going to the therapist and went downhill pretty rapidly. At no point however did she admit to any particular diagnosis, or that she had any condition that needed diagnosing. She said the therapist told her she had an eye condition that made her see blue projections of light in her brain.   She maintained she only went to the therapist for the meds, and that she only took the meds so that she could be "like every other American." I ramble, but the short answer is no, suggesting that she get help for her BPD never worked for me.

[Harri]

I never even tried.  There was no way my mother would have heard me.  I never even told my father and brother about BPD (though my father is dead now). 

Having said that, after my mother died, I was sorting through her stuff and came across some stuff she wrote (she wrote tons of stuff) and one page was about her needing to let go of things and stop trying to control everyone.  It was heartbreaking really and the significance of it did not hit me until about 6 months after her death.  I am convinced now that she had known her cancer was terminal but she told no one and perhaps she was trying to get closer.  The last several months of her life she had changed a bit.  She would try to get me to go shopping with her or other places.  I had no desire on top of being ill myself.  It was too little too late.   :'(

Sorry, I did not mean to hijack. 

[Takehiko]

Hi Jenk! I guess my answer to your question is both yes and no. For full(ish) details it's in this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=232151.0

But although she agreed in theory to see a therapist, she still hasn't. Partly that's down to me since I decided it was more important to get some therapy for myself so that I can figure out how best to deal with uBPDm. Hopefully T will give me some tools on the right way to get her into therapy and what kind of therapy. I've only seen T once and he said it sounded like M needed "professional help". I have been seeing M once every two/three weeks. Last time no one mentioned anything at all about therapy, BPD, the situation. I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I get the feeling she thinks that I'll soon forget about this silliness and everything will go back to normal. Spoiler: it won't. I can keep you posted on it, I'm hopeful she WILL get to therapy of some kind. The problem being that she has told me that she can act normal in front of psychiatrists, this was the first thing she said to me when I suggested she got help, and she is very self deluded with her victim complex so I have no idea if it's going to work. It has to be something she needs to do for herself and not because she is doing it to pacify me.

One more thing. After I told her about BPD and said I thought she had it, I later asked her what she thought about this. She gave me the "obviously I was really upset and traumatised and I had to call [helplines]" etc etc but went off on this tangent and didn't tell me whether she had actually researched BPD and what she thought and whether she thought it applied to her, just exercised her victim complex at me. Obviously I felt guilty and it was only after I left the situation that I realised she hadn't told me anything. So hard to keep thoughts in order around someone like that.

Good luck with getting your pwBPD to a therapist! I hope it works out for you. Let us know what happens.

[Jenk]

I have been seeing M once every two/three weeks. Last time no one mentioned anything at all about therapy, BPD, the situation. I couldn't bring myself to do it, and I get the feeling she thinks that I'll soon forget about this silliness and everything will go back to normal. Spoiler: it won't.

I know it's considered unwise to discuss BPD with someone thought to have it. I was, in a very large sense, venting about my abusive childhood while attempting to get my uBPDm to acknowledge the symptoms of her disorder. (I'm 110% certain she has BPD, despite her ability--as a high-functioning disordered person--to keep it from the T's she has seen over the years.)

I think what you describe is exactly what will happen with my mother: she'll hope that I'll forget about our discussion and everything will go back to normal. (She say's that she's "not like that [rage-filled] anymore" due to being on two anti-anxiety meds. But I couldn't get her to name the meds., though that could be because her brain wouldn't stay screwed on straight during our discussion of BPD.)

I can keep you posted on it, I'm hopeful she WILL get to therapy of some kind. The problem being that she has told me that she can act normal in front of psychiatrists, this was the first thing she said to me when I suggested she got help, and she is very self deluded with her victim complex so I have no idea if it's going to work. It has to be something she needs to do for herself and not because she is doing it to pacify me.

My mother has never verbalized the idea/fact that she can "act normal" in front of T's, but I know that she can/does. (Years ago, before I knew about BPD, I'd asked her how/why it is that her unstable behavior--i.e., illogical rage--continued in spite of all the therapy she'd received off/on throughout the years. With regard to her rage, she said, "Somehow, the topic just never came up." Uh-huh... .Convenient, that.)

If I had to take a guess, neither of our uBPDm's will attend therapy for BPD. *sigh*

One more thing. After I told her about BPD and said I thought she had it, I later asked her what she thought about this. She gave me the "obviously I was really upset and traumatised and I had to call [helplines]" etc etc but went off on this tangent and didn't tell me whether she had actually researched BPD and what she thought and whether she thought it applied to her, just exercised her victim complex at me. Obviously I felt guilty and it was only after I left the situation that I realised she hadn't told me anything. So hard to keep thoughts in order around someone like that.

My mother took notes during our discussion and promised to "research" the disorder and look into T's who treat it. I didn't buy that statement in the moment and still don't. I fully believe that she said/did those things, thinking that they'd placate me until I forget that our conversation ever happened. (Conveniently enough, she will forget that it happened; I will not.)

Jenk

[Trollvaaken]

Just to add my two cents. I tried getting my uBPDmum to see the psychologist last year, by sort of using the tactic that I was going because of anxiety and I thought she should too since she also has anxiety. She never followed through on that.

So, I mentioned it again recently after another one of her martyr-rants, by saying: "you're always thinking about other people's problems, but you always ignore your own." Hoping that by appealing to her "victim" side, she'll go get help. She just wrote back about how she feels like she is about to explode from stress, is having dark thoughts, but that she has met so many bad psychologists so she doesn't see it as worthwhile.

I am sure there are many bad psychologists, but a part of me thinks that she is just uncomfortable shedding her victim identity.

Either way, as a few of you mentioned, once they do see a therapist, you're not out of the woods yet.

[MyLifeNow]

I tried. And tried, and tried. I mentioned that I was in therapy for depression and that it was ok to see a therapist, but instead of seeking help dad gave me suggestions of things I could talk to my therapist about during the next visit, as though the problems in our relationship were with me. Of course by this time I had actually completed therapy, which was why I knew in the first place that he needed help.

Now I can't be 100% sure he's following through because I'm NC now, but it seems that what finally kicked him in the ass hard enough to finally make him admit that he needs help was me moving halfway across the country without telling him anything about it beforehand. Until then I guess he always thought that my not talking to him was like all the times before when his abusive behavior was just a little too over the top, and that I'd eventually forget all about it and come back into his life.

[Jenk]

I tried. And tried, and tried. I mentioned that I was in therapy for depression and that it was ok to see a therapist, but instead of seeking help dad gave me suggestions of things I could talk to my therapist about during the next visit, as though the problems in our relationship were with me.

Isn't that always the way?  Even while supposedly taking notes on what I was telling my mother about BPD, she asked at least once if I was planning on returning to therapy. (Earlier in the convo., I'd told her that I do plan to return to therapy once mental-health coverage kicks in again, supposedly sometime in 2015.) My theory is that, as with your dad, she was subtly insinuating that I'm the one who needs help. Well, it *is* true that I need help--no thanks to *her* form of abusive parenting.

Now I can't be 100% sure he's following through because I'm NC now, but it seems that what finally kicked him in the ass hard enough to finally make him admit that he needs help was me moving halfway across the country without telling him anything about it beforehand. Until then I guess he always thought that my not talking to him was like all the times before when his abusive behavior was just a little too over the top, and that I'd eventually forget all about it and come back into his life.

That certainly is the pattern with them, isn't it? They can lie low whenever they or the adult child initiate NC. But the second you let them back in, they seem to jump right back to where things had left off just prior to the nastiness that led to NC. It's as if they conveniently forget--or stuff down--the truth. And if we give them an inch by opening the door to contact, they often feel entitled to take a mile. At least that's how my uBPDm is. Once I begin contacting her, she starts upping her amount of contact toward me. Even my husband can see the pattern clear as day. Ugh.

I hope that NC brings you the peace that you need and deserve. And while I hope that your BPDd seeks genuine therapy for BPD, you know better than to hang all your hopes on that possibility. But who knows? Maybe your dad will prove to be one of the rare ones who actually does seek/receive help for his condition. *fingers crossed*


Jenk

[spemat]

My family members had the more abusive type of BPD and their view wasn't conducive to changing.  My mom called it "life experience depression" and my brother learned from her and since they are the nastier breed, I avoid them.  Some aren't able to change or are so stuck in the denial that they can't see it.  When their main emotional extremes are paranoia and anger they feel so vindicated that it is never them.  The nasty types make up a small percentage though.

I grew up with ADHD and bipolar I disorder so I learned early to be emotionless and it was annoying to me.  Any argument was talked over with the phrase, "You are cycling and manic and need to take your meds" so I just avoided them.  My grandmother had early childhood summer manias too so her and I related well.  Thing is, when I was manic, it was the one time that the roles reversed and they avoided me to get steamrolled for hours, often times screaming until 1 am and when they threatened to have me locked up I would threaten to burn them when they were sleeping.  I am not proud of it and until I got away from them, I never lived down a moment of it.

Most BPD's have a mix of that and the total opposite and some are the total opposite and they suck you dry in a different way because you try to support them and either fail at it or get pushed away when you do what they need and want.  Pity and concern are the   The opposite is quiet and their abuse is 100% at themselves.  My mom was dramatic and collapsed like she was having a heart attack or to put on the tears and do the "horrible mother" thing so my brother would run to her and she went into Linda Blair and called me a monster.  and she had drunken occasions and diets and her identity shifts but her self mutilating behavior was more from drugs for "fibromyalgia and rls" and in her case, I think it was a result of her obesity from bingeing.  We went from strict catholics to pink triangles and radical feminism after a weekend away after her divorce.

Many improve though.  If it isn't all abuse, anger or paranoia with suicidal or happy emotions being rare but recurring and it is a mix of both.  A great prognosis is possible.  Some recover completely.  If they are like type my mom was, it is pointless.  I also think that awareness of the variety should be part of this too because most with anger and trauma from people with this issue were dealing with the nasty type that didn't change at all.  My mom died borderline and sadly I was relieved.  No more finding out my number and getting 15 voicemails that end before the rage fit and the few moments of crying and wanting to die before raging again.  My brother does it in a worse way, he gets a restraining order and harasses me after so I can't reply.  They all use the crazy excuse whenever there is any mediating.  I have no issue unless I am chasing the mental high and rush but that lasts for up to a year. 

[Jenk]

My mom died borderline and sadly I was relieved.  No more finding out my number and getting 15 voicemails that end before the rage fit and the few moments of crying and wanting to die before raging again.

I think I can understand why it is that you felt relief about your mother's (mother's) death. It's sad that any of us should be made to feel that way, but how else is one to feel toward a parent who puts you through a form of hell on earth?  

My brother does it in a worse way, he gets a restraining order and harasses me after so I can't reply.

I don't say this to be mean and/or to pick on you, but a restraining order usually isn't given without a valid reason; so I'm curious what happened between you and your brother that he was granted one against you. Also, if he breaks the restraining order by contacting you, I'm fairly certain that you could use that against him in court. (My thought is if he's found to have broken it, then it would be dissolved.)

All the best,

Jenk

[amliving4me2]

I wasn't successful, so I sent her a book on the subject.  As far as I know, her husband devoured the book, but she has yet to touch it.  Whenever I suggest she go to therapy, or mention that I believe she suffers from BPD, she retorts, "you're the one that needs a therapist!".  And, the truth is, she is correct.  Thanks to her, I do need therapy. Lol

[Jenk]

Whenever I suggest she go to therapy, or mention that I believe she suffers from BPD, she retorts, "you're the one that needs a therapist!".  And, the truth is, she is correct.  Thanks to her, I do need therapy. Lol

I know exactly what you mean in terms of both issues: the BPD "you-need-therapy" deflection tactic and the genuine need for therapy due to a heinously chaotic/abusive upbringing.