If I'm such a trigger why is she voluntarily choosing to stick around?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 If I was such a trigger and according to my xBPDgf such a bad person and was the one to blame for EVERYTHING why is she still able to face me voluntarily? Why can she bear being reminded like every day of that I’m still existing?

She showed up at a match of the team we both were in but she left a month ago (she discarded the whole team when leaving). She didn’t like the team anyway. So why showing up? I wrote that in another thread before. She’s also still in our group-chat even though she’s not playing in our team anymore.

I do understand that when I’m painted black that they want us to go away – like out of sight out of mind because we are and evil trigger. And she easily could’ve just done that because I straight went to NC after the discard and never tried to remind her of my existence – I actually did quite the opposite because I didn’t want to trigger her and also because I wanted to heal. But she decided to voluntarily see me or hear from me. I don’t write daily in the group-chat but every other day or so (about things regarding practice, asbence in practice etc. – so nothing personal at all) . So she’s being reminded that I still exist. Why not just leave the chat to not being reminded again and again? I don’t understand that. If I don’t like someone I’m trying to stay away from them and I also don't want to hear from them. Especially if they’re triggering the ___ out of me and I’m able to decide on my own to stay away. So how can she bear being reminded of me still existing and being fine? Or maybe she’s so dissociated that I’m dead to her and she doesn’t mind at all? But why then staying in the group-chat? There’s some reason behind that. I don’t know. I think it’s weird. I actually want her to be out of my life but I know I can’t force her to leave the group or to not visit a match of her old team (first because I won’t break NC and second because officially she’s allowed to stay in the chat and visit matches because other former team mates do as well and it would just look weird… right, like I was the sick and crazy one to insist on her not visiting her old team…). It just pisses me off that she’s sticking around when she was the one to tell me to leave her alone. I want to be left alone as well. I also am kind of afraid that her whole purpose for sticking around is to make it impossible for me to forget about her. I don’t know if it’s really about that. I don’t want to accuse her of anything. I just want her to go away. I’m in NC and won’t break it but still it feels like it’s no real NC and I can't heal properly.

[misty_red]

 If I was such a trigger and according to my xBPDgf such a bad person and was the one to blame for EVERYTHING why is she still able to face me voluntarily? Why can she bear being reminded like every day of that I’m still existing?

She showed up at a match of the team we both were in but she left a month ago (she discarded the whole team when leaving). She didn’t like the team anyway. So why showing up? I wrote that in another thread before. She’s also still in our group-chat even though she’s not playing in our team anymore.

I do understand that when I’m painted black that they want us to go away – like out of sight out of mind because we are and evil trigger. And she easily could’ve just done that because I straight went to NC after the discard and never tried to remind her of my existence – I actually did quite the opposite because I didn’t want to trigger her and also because I wanted to heal. But she decided to voluntarily see me or hear from me. I don’t write daily in the group-chat but every other day or so (about things regarding practice, asbence in practice etc. – so nothing personal at all) . So she’s being reminded that I still exist. Why not just leave the chat to not being reminded again and again? I don’t understand that. If I don’t like someone I’m trying to stay away from them and I also don't want to hear from them. Especially if they’re triggering the ___ out of me and I’m able to decide on my own to stay away. So how can she bear being reminded of me still existing and being fine? Or maybe she’s so dissociated that I’m dead to her and she doesn’t mind at all? But why then staying in the group-chat? There’s some reason behind that. I don’t know. I think it’s weird. I actually want her to be out of my life but I know I can’t force her to leave the group or to not visit a match of her old team (first because I won’t break NC and second because officially she’s allowed to stay in the chat and visit matches because other former team mates do as well and it would just look weird… right, like I was the sick and crazy one to insist on her not visiting her old team…). It just pisses me off that she’s sticking around when she was the one to tell me to leave her alone. I want to be left alone as well. I also am kind of afraid that her whole purpose for sticking around is to make it impossible for me to forget about her. I don’t know if it’s really about that. I don’t want to accuse her of anything. I just want her to go away. I’m in NC and won’t break it but still it feels like it’s no real NC and I can't heal properly.

[Mutt]

If I don’t like someone I’m trying to stay away from them and I also don't want to hear from them.

I'm sorry to hear that this is causing you much stress misty_red and I agree it's not dissociation. It could be lack of object constancy.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Lack of object consistency

Randi Kreger said this. Though brief, thought it might help.

"Lack of Object Constancy: When we're lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This is very comforting even if these people are far away-sometimes, even if they're no longer living. This ability is known as object constancy.

Some people with BPD, however, find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. If that person is not physically present, they don't exist on an emotional level. The BP may call you frequently just to make sure you're still there and still care about them. (One non-BP told us that every time her boyfriend called her at work, he introduced himself using both his first and last name.)"

If you don't like someone you try to stay away from them. She's not you and has a completely different belief system and behaviors driven by the disorder.

Have you given thought into quitting the team for you to heal? You can't control someone else, you can only control you and how you react.

[misty_red]

Thank you, Mutt. This sounds logical. But I have been painted black in a very obvious way three month ago. Are they still able to soothe theirselves through seeing us? I thought it'd be quite the opposite and we would discompose them in our whole existence when they see us as the "bad" one. I know everyone is different still I'm confused. Or I have been painted white recently, I don't know.

I've thought about leaving the team when she was still part of it. When she left I was relieved and believed we would never hear a word from her. Her leaving was very passive aggressively done and in the end everyone knew she hates the team. That's the weird thing. She told the team she leaves by December because she's beeing transferred so I'll wait until December to see if that's really happening. I have a feeling that it won't. And if the then is still sticking around I rellay might consider leaving the team. Because if she's staying in our town I see a big chance she might be coming back to the team... .

[Mutt]

I understand misty_red with having been split black and I can relate. I'll give you a little bit of an idea from my personal experience.

My ex and I were married with children and she was having an affair for a year. This triggered feelings of shame and guilt and she split me black and projected her feelings to cope against anxiety stress.

Having said that, I'm split black and I can't do anything right and I'm all bad. She has a bf, I'm her H. She's asking me out on dates etc. She leaves me and takes the kids and the new bf moves in.

She still asks me to join her with family events and outings with her and the kids. I'm still split black for slightly over a year at this point.

It was confusing. You left the primary relationship and are in a secondary one and you still want to see me?

BPD is an attachment disorder. My point is. Split black is a defense mechanism as a means to protect the go against anxiety and stress. I'm speculating, and I think your ex is putting her feelers out.

You may be split black and "all bad". She lacks a stable sense of self and the lack of identity, the attachment is a sense of self for her. This is the disorder. A goal can be to depersonalize the behaviors.

[misty_red]

Thank you for your response, Mutt!

So you've been black the whole time and your wife still made contact?

If I understand correctly (English isn't my native language): even though I still might be black she's trying to stick around because she needs some kind of "counterpart" to project on to get a feeling of self out of that? And it's not about reconciling but actually about her trying to get a feeling of self out of that? And to stick around would be just enough to achieve some kind of self?

What exactly do you mean by she's putting her feelers out? For quite a time I recieved the ST and only when I already had been in NC for five weeks or so she showed up at the match. She's not doing it obviously/overtly. She would always have the excuse to say "I only wanted to see my old team play a match.". I think she also displays lots of NPD-traits so I don't know. For her everything always is about control and remaining the strong one, the one to not bow down. She even said that some time ago.

What do you mean by "A goal can be to depersonalize the behaviors"?

[AlmostBroken]

I totally understand what you're experiencing and please let me apologize for jumping on your post. My undiagnosed BPD fiancé is triggered be every single thing that I do and don't do, yet she is still here. She has such a distorted view of actual reality and I have been painted black every since she love-bombed me for the first 3 months of our relationship. Once I fell fully in love and committed to her 100%, she snapped and transformed into a monster.

As mentioned in my previous posts (which are full of info about my story), I pay ALL of our bills alone (and pay for our groceries) and used my savings to buy us our home. She believes that I don't do anything to support her and that I am selfish. She works full-time but refuses to help with any bills and is always broke. I have no clue where her money goes. She has very little expenses because I pay for everything.

I am to blame for all of her life problems and failures even though she was 29 when we met. She's 31 now. Because of me, she was unable to finish college and never established a career. She hasn't attended college in years and had no goals when we met.

She resents me for not converting to her Mormon religion. She was inactive for years but all of a sudden became interested in church several months ago. I wasn't drinking the Joseph Smith kook-aid. Sorry.

She resents me for being successful in my career (a career that I established 10 years before we met). She complained and complained and complained about my custom motorcycle that I built 3 years before we met. My bike was bought and paid for back in 2005 (7 years before we met). She hated that I am a motorcycle rider and love custom cars because they were a place of happiness for me. She wore me out and broke me down and I sold my beloved bike in September just to shut her up. I sold it for less than it's custom value.

She get's upset over the littlest things and breaks up with me and threatens to leave me at least twice per week. We have awkward sex once every couple of months and she tells me that she hates me and calls me a disgusting pig all the time. I am muscular and ripped and could compete in professional men's physique competitions. I am a fitness fanatic who gets non-stop attention from women. She hates that I go to the gym and I am not a disgusting pig.

I work graveyard as a cop in a large metropolitan city from 10pm - 8am Tuesday's through Friday and go to the gym after work. I chase people, get into fights, and deal with steady chaos all night long then come home to chaos in my own home. I struggle to sleep during the day because human beings aren't meant to work all night and sleep when the sun is out. She works during the day at her office job and returns home complaining about how hard her day was and how I'm lazy and lay in bed all day while she works. I pay ALL the bills and buy ALL the food. She's insane! She doesn't pay for anything. Me, lazy?

I trigger so many negative emotions in my fiancé. I am the worst person in her life, but I sacrifice and give her so much. She hates everything about me. She hates how I look (I've looked the same since I was 19), she hates my career (I was a cop for 10 years before we met). She hates my hobbies (hobbies I've had since high school). No matter what I do for this woman, it'll never be good enough. She believes that I'm selfish and lazy and that I don't support her, yet she is still with me.

[peiper]

I kinda have a question along that same line and I wish I would have asked the judge at the DV hearing. If I'm such the Devil incarnate why did she move out five times in a year and a half, yet always called me wanting to come home?  On the flip side though I have to ask myself,  why did I let her ?

[sirius]

AlmostBroken, my ex BPDgf sounds exactly like yours, she is 30yo now. B/U this year March was with her 13 years.

I gave up everything that i had for her and yet its not enough. Ironically on our 9th anniversary, i made a video for her to remember our time together and the music i put into that video was Tom Langford-Nothing ever was. Unconciously i did that. Looking back at it now it really tells me that sub conciously i am feeling that way but never knew about BPD until after the r/s is over.

I am her trigger for everything. She envied my job, constantly devalues me each time i achieved successes. Once in a while, she does comforted me when things were not too good on my side.