Two steps forward, one back

[behindme]

I am overall pleased with the progress being made since my son's divorce from his uBPD ex-wife BUT…it still unnerved me when I found out she was not happy that I dropped off my grandson at day care one morning last week after he had spent the night here. She had known I was picking him up the previous day as my son had a business function to attend. So I'm not sure if she wasn't happy that GS spent the night here, that I dropped him off or both. It simply made things easier for my son - plus my husband and I do enjoy having him here. Besides, the bottom line is: I thought I was over caring about what she *thinks* or how she was going to try to manipulate us.  I guess not because this has been bothering me. I only found out b/c I offered to pick up my GS one day this past week - I work so closely to his day care facility - and my son said best he pick him up. I had a feeling my ex DIL had not been happy with the prior arrangement and made the mistake of asking if that was the case.

We also arranged to take DS and GS out of state on a nice vacation (think Mickey Mouse) early next year and even though she gave consent, as written in the divorce agreement, I find myself getting apprehensive about "what if's" that she may pull.  Just going though some anticipatory anxiety right now….I honestly thought I was over this. I feel as if she is still afraid I'm in some sort of power struggle over the child. I'm not. I love him as a grandson, plain and simple. I'm not looking to replace his mother, just give the child love and comfort when he's here with us. Maybe that's what's threatening to her and I realize that's unnerving her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, behindme... .I'm really sorry to hear of the tension and troubles you are having with your Daughter-In-Law; I know what that is like, as I, too, have a D-I-L who has BPD traits that used to actually cause me so much angst and pain that I would lie awake at night trying to figure out what I'd done "wrong" to make her so angry at me that she would insinuate that I wouldn't be able to see my grandchild... .

I have to say that things aren't like that anymore. I've read all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, and learning the TOOLS and THE LESSONS and applying them to my communications with my D-I-L has not only changed the way I understand her and talk to her, but has changed my whole relationship with her. Some of the details as to how that happened can be found in this Workshop, which I highly recommend: How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

We are still on good terms with my son (my younger one, who is not BPD) and D-I-L and see them and my grandson regularly. This is not something I could've predicted before I found this site and learned what I did to help things get better... .I know how tricky a relationship can be with a D-I-L, and one with BPD can make it even trickier; please let us know what you think about the links on this page to the right, and what you think of that Workshop... .We're here to help, behindme 

[pessim-optimist]

I don't know the details of your situation behindme, so I am just speculating here.

I think you might be over caring what she thinks, however she can still create drama and potential problems even legally (as in the situation you mention about the planned vacation). That must be unnerving. So, I think both might be true: you personally not caring about her opinion, but caring about how her opinions translate into your practical life and potential problems.

It is not easy to deal with these situations, because we do not have control over the outcomes and the uncertainty can create lots of anxiety.

Does that make sense?

I feel as if she is still afraid I'm in some sort of power struggle over the child. I'm not. I love him as a grandson, plain and simple. I'm not looking to replace his mother, just give the child love and comfort when he's here with us. Maybe that's what's threatening to her and I realize that's unnerving her.

This is a fairly typical situation. Many mothers who suffer from BPD are insecure in their relationship with their children and may become extremely jealous and perceive anyone that has a positive connection with the kids as a personal threat.

I don't know what you can practically do in your situation, but in general this kind of jealousy is best dealt with by supporting them as a mother, complimenting them etc. and making oneself less of a threat by being on the same team as much as possible - a tall order with an ex daughter-in-law... .

[behindme]

Thanks Pessim-Optim and Rapt - obviously you're both "been 'round the block" and quite experienced not only with the disorder but here with the board. I have to admit, I've concentrated so much on the postings I've overlooked the links to the right - I'll definitely check those out.  

The suggestions could be very helpful although somewhat complicated by the fact that exDIL and I (including DH) have been NC since prior to the divorce. So difficult as we had formerly had a close r/s with her. I must be struggling over this b/c I've noticed I've been having more dreams about her lately - where we're back to talking and on the terms we'd once had. I do feel compassion toward her and used to be express such support of her -- NOT that she saw it that way.  The last time she'd been here, when she expressed her dissatisfaction with us (this after what I thought was a very nice family vacation to Hawaii although one of her complaints was that I'd not wished her a happy mother's day before she'd done so to me), she said that she felt I didn't respect her enough. I really wanted to turn that around and ask if she felt that to be the case or if it was more a matter of she was lacking in respect for herself -- of course, I didn't -- that would have been insulting and much too heavy a concept for her to handle but obviously she had a great deal of projection going on which is ongoing.  She had told my son she'd seen a therapist a few times and is all better now - such is the thinking of a BPD, so sad….

Anyway, I realize this is going to be a continuous theme and I'll need to adjust my outlook, so those links will be of benefit.  What will be more challenging is applying them with her due to the N/C.  She is not aware of the remaining compassion I do feel for her, and the support I do have for her in raising my GS on her own during her portion of joint custody. The bottom line is I want what's best for the child: a strong, steady, loving foundation.

Thank you again for your support. That's why I'm here.  To have you behind me. And to try to put this situation behind me.

Behindme