Went to Marriage Counseling -NEED ADVICE

[nightmoves]

So... .my BPDw had been completely falling apart over the past month and half.

IT was over so many things that SHE was wresting with. It was all things inside of HER. WE were not having any arguments or issues with US.

I - thanks to this site - was MUCH better about NOT getting caught or too enmeshed in it all. I WAS very supportive. But I now SEE much more. She was TRYING desperately to lure me in ... .so she could rage at me. Then the chaos she could not deal with ... .had a place to target... .ME. Paint me black.

And the more I was careful to not place myself in the cross-hairs. The HARDER she tried. It got almost ridiculous how much a stretch and implausible the attempts were. I stayed calm. I stayed clear.

So they anger, seething, and rage... .became a 24/7 thing. Over ANY little thing. For over a MONTH. Would not abate.

Then one day ... .out of the blue... .without any discussion at all... .she informs me she set up a counseling session for us.

I was surprised. ALL other times we had gone to various people... .she ended it after ONE session.

SO we went. AND it was as though all that happened was he validated her for anything and everything she said. The entire session became about the things SHE wants to change in this marriage... .and thus all the things I do that she wants changed. She literally just stated what she wanted in this marriage ... .to make her happy. In fact... .she voiced all the things SHE is wrestling with in her life.

And I sat there. I barely was able to say anything.

I am VERY worried that he may be "buying" all this?

I am not sure at all he even knows about BPD.

I have a penchant to not easily criticize or malign my wife. She easily does that to me.

So my worry is... .after all this time of me suffering through this disorder with her... .is this counseling just goign to make it horribly worse. She gets "justified"... .for her thoughts... even thought they are not reality?

Anyone had this happen?

Please help.

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[frizz]

I had the exact same thing happen to me. She basically revised history to make me sound exactly like the person she believes me to be during her dysregulation, and any objection to her narrative was used as an example of my "extreme defensiveness". It was heartbreaking. I felt so helpless. The counselor bought it,  hook, line, and sinker. For six months, my SO used the counseling to corroborate her delusions. It was an extremely damaging experience, and I came away from it questioning my sanity.

Toward the end, our counselor started to see what was going on, but it was too late,  and we quit going shortly after starting to focus on my SO.

We are seeing a new counselor now who specializes in BPD. I will not allow this to happen again.

[maxsterling]

We've been seeing a counselor for a year now.  We started when we had only been together about 10 months!  originally, I went along with it because she had no insurance, and no way of seeing a counselor on her own.  That said, I was okay with the prospect of the sessions being mostly her trying to work though her issues, because at that point I knew the issues between us really had nothing to do with me or anything I could solve. 

We first went about 4-5 sessions with one counselor.  She did not feel comfortable with this counselor, and a few times the counselor put it upon her to work on her own issues in order to make the r/s healthy.  SO declared the counselor had a crush on me, and we must find another.

The second counselor we have been seeing for almost a year now.  The sessions are mostly as you describe above - 75% with her talking with the counselor about her issues that have nothing to do with me, or just complaining about me.  The counselor obviously recognizes the mental health issues with my SO, and I think wants to steer the sessions to be more about her.

And you know what?  Fine with me.  My feeling is that any "couples" issues we have really can't be solved unless her issues are dealt with first.  So if she wants to uses the session to talk about how crappy her life is or complain about me, so be it.  She gets whatever it is out of her system in a relatively safe environment, and then things are usually better for a few days.  And I pay a 15 dollar copay. 

My advice to you:  Don't worry about whether the counselor is "buying" her side at this point.  It's the counselors job to remain neutral and build the trust of the patients.  It may take a while for your wife to trust the counselor, and at that point is when you should pay attention to how the counselor is dealing with her and you.  Let her vent all she wants, and listen, and don't JADE.  It's the counselor's job to sort that all out.  BPD means your wife is going to try and make it all about her and her hurt anyway, whether in MC or at home.  Any MC is not going to get very fat until he/she builds the trust of your wife first and gets a read on your relationship dynamics.   Try to be happy for now that she is at least going, and try to keep your expectations low right now and just try to work with things as they happen.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm with max on this one... .wait and see a bit.

Some counselors will catch on immediately to your wife's stuff and call her on it.

Some counselors will catch on immediately to your wife's stuff and strategically not call her on it.

Some counselors will be snowed by your wife.

Some counselors do almost nothing.

You don't know which kind this is yet. In the first case, your wife is likely to bail almost immediately. In the second case, progress is likely. In the third, you will have to get out of there. In the fourth, it is just a waste of time and money.

If this counselor is vaguely competent, he noticed that you hardly said a word, and won't let that happen for many sessions.

[blueeyes567]

our counselor did the same thing to a point and then actually called me later and explained that he had to to be able to get her to trust him. She has to feel comfortable with him before she will open up and be honest. I think that that might be the same thing. He is just trying to build that repore so that things that they tir idea or they can go into rage and closed off that the P W BPD has to think that any serious discussion starts to be their idea or they can go into rage and closed off mode

[michel71]

3 therapists. 3 snow jobs. It was a waste of time and money. Yet the last therapist got visibly frustrated and kinda shut down believe it or not. Went out of town and didn't call us to reschedule. Interesting.

[maxsterling]

3 therapists. 3 snow jobs. It was a waste of time and money. Yet the last therapist got visibly frustrated and kinda shut down believe it or not. Went out of town and didn't call us to reschedule. Interesting.

I have a bunch of friends in the mental health industry, and all of them claim that they would do anything they could to avoid dealing with a pwBPD because they zap all your time and energy.  .  Sad.  But maybe this is what was going on here.  T saw the BPD traits, and ran.

[michel71]

3 therapists. 3 snow jobs. It was a waste of time and money. Yet the last therapist got visibly frustrated and kinda shut down believe it or not. Went out of town and didn't call us to reschedule. Interesting.

I have a bunch of friends in the mental health industry, and all of them claim that they would do anything they could to avoid dealing with a pwBPD because they zap all your time and energy.  .  Sad.  But maybe this is what was going on here.  T saw the BPD traits, and ran.

FUNNY! My therapist said the same thing... .that the BPDs are "THERAPIST KILLERS".