a question about triggers

[777Alex777]

I wish I would have found this site prior to the destruction of our marriage, and 9 months of separation. I have been reading tons and tons of stuff on here for a week or so now and it is really helping. In retrospect however, I was, as most of us are on here, insanely loyal and accommodating to her throughout the 5 year relationship, but the nonsensical blaming for things, and how she just gradually built up this anger towards me so it go to the point where every time she looked at me she could only feel anger most of the time, even though my performance was top notch and I was as loving as could be, it just blew my mind.

So my question is this, in retrospect, is there really truly anyway to get rid of being a trigger for them? Can it be undone? has it ever been undone? And I mean something that's built up for years. I am just wondering. It kinda drives me batty to think there might have been something I could have done to catch this before it burnt to pieces.

Anyone?

thanks

[Skip]

So my question is this, in retrospect, is there really truly anyway to get rid of being a trigger for them? Can it be undone? has it ever been undone? And I mean something that's built up for years. I am just wondering. It kinda drives me batty to think there might have been something I could have done to catch this before it burnt to pieces.

There might have been something you could have done to hold the relationship together.  There something she could have done, too.  A relationship with a person wit BPD traits runs pretty close to the edge in general.  It's possible to keep it from going over and it's understandable when it does.

No sure answer here.

[777Alex777]

Thank you

[seeking balance]

Skip summed it up obviously. I can totally appreciate looking inward to see if you can save a marriage - I did that too.

I wanted to add that I had to come to a very sobering realization that I am not a good match for a pwBPD - I am way too logical/analytical and it is hard for me to validate what doesn't make sense.  I have gotten a million times better, and the tools help a lot in raising kids.  

I just expect more from a partner - thus I am not a good partner to a pwBPD - humbling to admit, but very true.

Best,

SB

[neverloveagain]

They will always burn those around them eventually. Take a look at thier histories she did to me whats she has done to family friends lovers tick tock tick tock.

[CareTaker]

So my question is this, in retrospect, is there really truly anyway to get rid of being a trigger for them? Can it be undone?

In all honesty. NO. You cannot fill that emptiness they have. There will always be more demands, no matter what you have done. There always will be that verbal abuse, no matter how hard you try and avoid it. There is no consistency in their lives, and they can never be just happy with life. There always will be something missing.

And when your supply is finished, or when you decide you do not want to supply any more, they casually blame you for the failed relationship and move on to the next victim.

And the vicious circle continues... .!

[enlighten me]

What I have realised is that yes I triggered them but it is a minefield and eventually no matter how careful you are you will trigger them. Without them dealing with their own issues then something will eventually happen for you to be devalued. It is impossible to 100% keep them happy as their thoughts can contradict themselves from one moment to the nexr.

[StrongInMaryland]

I wish I would have found this site prior to the destruction of our marriage, and 9 months of separation. I have been reading tons and tons of stuff on here for a week or so now and it is really helping. In retrospect however, I was, as most of us are on here, insanely loyal and accommodating to her throughout the 5 year relationship, but the nonsensical blaming for things, and how she just gradually built up this anger towards me so it go to the point where every time she looked at me she could only feel anger most of the time, even though my performance was top notch and I was as loving as could be, it just blew my mind.

So my question is this, in retrospect, is there really truly anyway to get rid of being a trigger for them? Can it be undone? has it ever been undone? And I mean something that's built up for years. I am just wondering. It kinda drives me batty to think there might have been something I could have done to catch this before it burnt to pieces.

Anyone?

thanks

Have you taken a serious, unbiased look at her past? Have you noticed that other people she was close to before you, family, friend, anyone, was her trigger before you came along? That's how it was with me when I finally had to stop after ten years. You'll never not be a trigger once you've become one. It's part trigger, part target and not your fault and it's nothing you've personally done except get close to her.

[Caredverymuch]

Skip summed it up obviously. I can totally appreciate looking inward to see if you can save a marriage - I did that too.

I wanted to add that I had to come to a very sobering realization that I am not a good match for a pwBPD - I am way too logical/analytical and it is hard for me to validate what doesn't make sense.  I have gotten a million times better, and the tools help a lot in raising kids.  

I just expect more from a partner - thus I am not a good partner to a pwBPD - humbling to admit, but very true.

Best,

SB

I personally agree with this. I do expect more from a partner as well.

I am no expert but I can say with 100% certainty that I tried everything in loving acceptance, understanding, gentleness, patience, and without any sense of control,  and it was never enough. I lost count of how many times my essence was never enough.

I really don't know what is 'enough" in a BPD r/s.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

I really don't know what is 'enough" in a BPD r/s.

Many sleepless nights have been spent pondering this exact question... as the story unfolds and the memories playback i assemble more pieces to a puzzle ive yet to even come close to putting together. One day though... one day.