This letter from her is something I think we all can relate to ... .she says everything each of us NONs communicate to our BPDs ... .except after a year of demanding an explanation, being explosively angry, accusatory (in summary, everything she did to me vocally and emotionally and mentally I threw back at her ... .I gave her a dose of her own medicine ... .not very mature, yet effective.)
Its been a year. And a couple of days, since moving out and ending the relationship.
In the past year, we recycled twice for a couple of weekends.
We have stayed in touch through skype and emails, and that has decreased.
Each of us understands the pain and confusion that happens with a BPD, and with leaving.
Yet, we also have those moments of clarity, where after trying again and again the emotional body just shifts ... .it goes from pain to acceptance.
And for me, that happens each time I have made attempts to understand and heal ; it just makes things worse. And this last email is just the peachy icing.
With all integrity, I have been a total jerk to her in emails ; I have been so angry. I say back all the things she said to me, i make all the accusations she directed at me to her, I have told her I hate her as she said to me ... .I literally have said everything to her she said to me.
And what is the result ?
What she communicates is _exactly_ what I have been saying to her, the reasons I left, what I feel I deserve in life ... .she used to get ANGRY with me for wanting to be happy.
This is what she communicates
"I do not deserve your wrath. You only want revenge. You do not care about me at all. You only care about destroying me so that you can feel empowered. Or, take back the power that you let merge with me. I deserve to be happy and not held back by your insults. I'm so susceptible to wounding from those who I'm close. I ruin myself and my body in response. I have not treat myself well in the midst of all this turmoil. At this point in my life I want only to be happy and healthy. A first! I used to think that life wasnt about being happy. Now I do. I only want to seek people who love me for who I am and are full of love and forgiveness and compassion."
... .and what is it that I, and so many of us have experienced ?
Their wrath, undeserved.
Their revenge, except against their past and others and it is taken out on us.
They do not care about us, else they'd own their stuff, be responsible, be kind.
They care about us to the extent they can destroy us, and feel empowered.
Yes, every human deserves to be happy ... .yet when I was communicating that and keeping boundaries so we could all be happy as a family, I was attacked, put down, demeaned, humiliated, and eventually called abusive, not masculine, etc etc (ya'll been there and know what I am talking about).
Each person is susceptible to wounding from people they are close too ... .yet what she makes it sound like is that I am an animal hurting her ... and she has never honored that in being close to her and her dysregulation, she wounded me deeply ... .to the core.
I ruined my body and myself in response ... .to the point that a year later I am TERRIFIED of intimacy, or being close, of trusting any woman ... .I still have PTSD responses if somebody has a sharp tone.
I have not treated myself well in the midst of it all ... .tell me about it. There was a recent thread on the board about physical and health side effects of being with a BPD.
So ... .
The irony is she finally understands.
B/c I gave back every negativity she gave to me.
When reading her message, it was eye-opening and liberating.
I did not start the screaming, the accusations, the mind-games, the ... .everything.
I did finish it.
And the guilt of that, I am free from. The shame, I am liberated from.
The anger, well ... .thats taking some time.
My best was given, and this kind of letter and understanding gives me spaciousness and the ability to move on.
