Hello, everyone!
For those of you who don't remember me, I was in a 2-year relationship with a man with BPD. The r/s ended on March 25 of this year. I was absolutely destroyed by him leaving me, but I found so much refuge and support here.
Unfortunately, a little over a month after the breakup, there were a couple of family tragedies -- between those, the r/s ending, and work stress, I went into a major depressive episode for several months. I've always struggled with depression, but this was by far the worst episode I've ever had. The good news is that I clawed my way out of the darkness and am feeling loads better, and am stumbling towards enlightenment once again.
So, the r/s has been over for 8 months. There has been some contact; it's always initiated by him, and usually just short text exchanges. However, he has called me twice. The contact typically comes about once every 6-8 weeks. I've always been as neutral as possible during these exchanges, and it's gotten easier the past couple of times. The last time we talked (about a month ago), he told me he loved me and that I was perfect, et cetera, all those fun things. I didn't cry, and I didn't give in.
I do feel a lot better. And I promise you that it gets easier. I've gone from my heart jumping into my throat when I hear from him, to just sighing deeply. I have no desire to rekindle anything with him, even during times when I miss him.
I've dated casually a few times, but I'm really just not that interested in pursuing any romantic, intimate relationship. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't ever want to wind up in such a scary place again, like my BPD r/s became during the last year. I feel lonely sometimes, but I'd rather have occasional loneliness than have my emotions, energy, and mental wellbeing drained.
I just wanted to drop back in and say hello and good luck to everyone here. Don't despair. I know it's painful, I know it seems impossible at times, I know it's not fair. But keep working on yourself and stick to your boundaries, and realize that you deserve health and happiness in your life. We are all works in process; we will get there one day.
