Just realized I've been replaced.

[billypilgrim]

Well.  It took a month.  Or at least a month for me to realize.  I knew this would happen.  And part of me is surprised it didn't happen sooner, though it definitely could have, I just could have been unaware.  I found out via a friend that she had gone back with someone from her past.  Again, not all that shocked but it's miserable how badly it still affects me knowing this. 

A 6 year marriage boils down to a 1 month rebound for her.  I'm staring at months/year(s) of recovery and she's back to doing what she does best, herself.  It amazes me how completely wrong I could be about someone.  It's like she didn't even have or need a grieving process.  She doesn't even need to mourn the loss of the relationship.  All those feelings of guilt and inadequacy that I felt when she initially left came rushing back when I found out. 

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Sorry to hear this.  It does seem to be the typical thing for them.  Due to FOO issues I have dated many ladies who would qualify for BPD status IMHO.  Without exception all of them had a new partner within a month of b/u or even before b/u.  I doubt it is that they do not need a grieving process - perhaps more the point is they are not strong enough to face true grief.  At some point in the future your replacement too will experience this rejection.  No matter how long your ex and your replacement are together - it will happen that he is split black and another man will be on the scene.  My mother is a classic BPD.  She is now having an affair with a man she does not sexually fancy.  She continues because he is looking after her.  Giving her money.  Caring for her.  Love doesn't come into it.    Her husband (not my father - they divorced years ago) is going to be in for a downfall when he finds out.  It is a very sad and destructive disorder.

[FrenchConnection]

I had a 7 month relationship with a BPD woman.  The night we broke up she was on the computer joining a dating website and she spent the entire night on it.  

I felt so disgusted with her that she could do such a thing.  It made me feel so worthless and that everything we had built together could be so easily forgotten and discarded by her like that.

She could not even grieve our relationship.  She just wanted to be with another man.  That pain is really hard to bear.  But then after i discovered she had BPD i understood her behavior.  My leaving the relationship was something she could not deal with.  Because it triggered the abandonment of her parents when she was a child.  So what i saw as erratic and destructive behavior was in reality the only way she knew how to deal with the situation.

Of course no matter who she meets or goes with the relationship will fail.  Because she can not deal correctly with emotions.  And she brings into any new relationship all the emotional baggage that was not dealt with from previous relationships.  With me, i had to deal with the abandonment of her parents (where it all started).  Then i had to deal with the individual men in her life that she had relations with and who mistreated her or abused her.  She projected all of those problems onto me in our relationship because she never knew how to deal with those problems in the past.

BPD people do not think the way normal people think.  So they look for any attachment to make them feel secure.  When my ex saw our relationship was over she panicked from fear of abandonment.  She reached out to find a life line.  It's destructive behavior but it's all they know to do.

It's not about you.  It has everything to do with them and their inability to handle the emotions in their life.  I pray you can find strength and support to help you through this hard time.  I struggle too.

[willtimeheal]

Sorry Billy... .I was replaced a month before the break up. If she could have had it her way she would still be stringing me along while sleeping with him. It's an ugly disorder and it hurts. She seems so happy and I cycle between emotions daily. I am three months out and a little over two months NC. I can say it is getting easier but you are correct... .It is a long haul. I know I am happier and better off without her but that doesn't stop me from missing her or wanting her. And at times I do hope she gets what she deserves (even thou many on here say she lives in a constant hell and suffers daily)... .right now I am in the mood that hopes she rots in hell and gets a huge fine and jail time for her latest brush with the law and her new guy dumps her on her face. But that's just my mood right now

[Loveofhislife]

BillyPilgrim: I'm very sorry for how this must feel, and I'm bracing myself for learning the same. I learned months later after abandonment that exbfBPD was on dating sites before "the body of the r/s had cooled." Perhaps he was on those sites before he disappeared.  Anyway, I know it's going to suck if/when I learn about a replacement.

One thing I thought about after reading yours and other's posts today is how they seem always to go back to former interests or r/s's. This may explain exbfBPD's INTENSE jealousy and vitriole about my ex husband and former bf's. He was absolutely determined that I would go back to them. This was so odd to me that he fixated on this, when I gave absolutely no reason for him to think this.  And it was a CONSTANT source of arguments. They definitely like to keep their "ladies in waiting," so he must have been projecting that onto me.

After the kind of abuse I endured for a year, I cannot fathom any one going back to him. But we know, most of them can't be alone, so after 4 months, I think it's highly likely he has a replacement. God help her.

[peiper]

BillyPilgrim: I'm very sorry for how this must feel, and I'm bracing myself for learning the same. I learned months later after abandonment that exbfBPD was on dating sites before "the body of the r/s had cooled." Perhaps he was on those sites before he disappeared.  Anyway, I know it's going to suck if/when I learn about a replacement.

One thing I thought about after reading yours and other's posts today is how they seem always to go back to former interests or r/s's. This may explain exbfBPD's INTENSE jealousy and vitriole about my ex husband and former bf's. He was absolutely determined that I would go back to them. This was so odd to me that he fixated on this, when I gave absolutely no reason for him to think this.  And it was a CONSTANT source of arguments. They definitely like to keep their "ladies in waiting," so he must have been projecting that onto me.

After the kind of abuse I endured for a year, I cannot fathom any one going back to him. But we know, most of them can't be alone, so after 4 months, I think it's highly likely he has a replacement. God help her.

Good chance he had one before the BU, mine did. It seems they most times have a spare lined up. The idea of being alone scares them to death. Kinda like us going on a long trip without a spare tire.

[willtimeheal]

BillyPilgrim: I'm very sorry for how this must feel, and I'm bracing myself for learning the same. I learned months later after abandonment that exbfBPD was on dating sites before "the body of the r/s had cooled." Perhaps he was on those sites before he disappeared.  Anyway, I know it's going to suck if/when I learn about a replacement.

One thing I thought about after reading yours and other's posts today is how they seem always to go back to former interests or r/s's. This may explain exbfBPD's INTENSE jealousy and vitriole about my ex husband and former bf's. He was absolutely determined that I would go back to them. This was so odd to me that he fixated on this, when I gave absolutely no reason for him to think this.  And it was a CONSTANT source of arguments. They definitely like to keep their "ladies in waiting," so he must have been projecting that onto me.

After the kind of abuse I endured for a year, I cannot fathom any one going back to him. But we know, most of them can't be alone, so after 4 months, I think it's highly likely he has a replacement. God help her.

Good chance he had one before the BU, mine did. It seems they most times have a spare lined up. The idea of being alone scares them to death. Kinda like us going on a long trip without a spare tire.

I know she had a replacement all lined up before the break up. Her brother didn't approve of me. He couldn't stand that we were both girls. Actually I think he couldn't stand that I was educated and not afraid to put him in his place.  He couldn't stand that I could give her and her kids a good and decent life away from drinking and abuse. So he started in on her. One thing she will never do is disappoint her brother. It is a weird sick relationship between the two.  The replacement is one of his friends... .he likes to drink and be around her brother so her brother approves o  Her new relationship. Now that her brother is happy she is "happy."

[Rise]

It's like she didn't even have or need a grieving process.  She doesn't even need to mourn the loss of the relationship.

Sorry you're going through this Billy. I know how rough it is dealing with this. My ex jumps from one relationship to another within a matter of weeks. But if your ex is anything like mine, it's not that she doesn't need to mourn. It's that she can't deal with mourning. She becomes completely overwhelmed by her emotions, so as a defense mechanism she does everything she can to ignore them. She is compelled to move on as quickly as possible so she isn't stuck alone with her emotions. It may feel like she isn't upset by the end of your relationship, but it has much more to do with the fact she can't handle the overwhelming emotions that are attached to you and your breakup, and needs someone else to make her feel better about herself.