Dread Visiting Family

[pupsnpigs]

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to travel to see my family for the day. I went to my partner's family for Christmas, so this is my chance to give them their gifts and spend some time with them. In addition, my mother had me pick up a bike for my father as gift for his military retirement, so I have to deliver that as well.

At first, I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so down. And then, it hit me. I'm dreading this visit because every single visit turns out badly, with my mother apologizing to me and my partner about how things went. My older sister, who is diagnosed with BPD, has lived with them for over a year now after being evicted from her last apartment. She has a 6 year old son that lives there as well.

My older sister has BPD. Despite being diagnosed by a mental health professional, and being in and out of therapy for years, she denies having any sort of mental illness and refuses to seek appropriate treatment or to comply with treatment. She's currently not in therapy.

When I visit, she gets upset that my parents spend time and pay attention to me. So, she'll usually start a fight or accuse us of being mean to her son. Usually, us being "mean" is setting boundaries, like you can't hang off my partner's neck and choke him. Or, you can't jump on top of my partner when he's just sitting there. Her son has been diagnosed with ADHD and they think he's on the autism spectrum. I speculate that a lot of his behavior problems stem from being raised by my BPD sister, who is neglectful and abusive. It also gets tiring hearing how this or that is "Just Tristyn" It's like they've given up completely on managing or working with his behavior. He's 6 now, but they can't use it as an excuse forever. Of course, my sister would rather just argue with him. Yes, she argues with her 6 year old all the time.

I used to get excited about going to visit them, because though I live only an hour away, I rarely see them. But, each time it would end with me trying to hold back tears and wishing I was home. I'm only going to go for a few hours, but I've braced myself for the inevitable. My sister can ruin anything.

On top of that, my partner and I want to sit down with my parents and actually be able to talk to them. My grandparents purchased a house which they have been renovating, and the original plan was for my sister to move in there. She's stopped helping, and has repeatedly ignored boundaries they have set (she keeps acquiring more animals, which she keeps there). My grandparents are considering selling the house, at least in part because my sister no long helps, my mother can't help due to a fractured pelvis, and my father works full time. My brother suggested, since the house has an attached 1 bedroom apartment, that my partner and I move into the house and he rents the apartment. I intend to set a boundary, because my mother keeps bringing up this as a possibility, but in reality I know the chance is slim. Even with my sister already ignoring the rules that have been set, and having no job, she will likely move in there. And, I don't appreciate being led on. I don't like being reminded of all the things that are handed to my sister. Though this would be a great opportunity, I know that even if things did work out in our favo, the fall out from this is not worth it. So, I intend to tell them that it isn't worth it, and when it all falls apart, like it inevitably will, I want to be left out of it.

But, the actual chance of my partner and I being able to have a 1 on 1 conversation with my mother is slim to none. My sister follows my mother around like a lost puppy, and when my mother doesn't take her along, my sister calls repeatedly over the dumbest things. If she's particularly desperate for attention, she'll make up some story or have some sort of crisis that would require my mother to come back home.

I know I'm not the only person who feels this way when going home, and having to interact with a BPD family member. I plan on setting boundaries, and I hope that with my partner there, it will be easier.

Any else deal with this with their BPD sibling? How do you handle it?

[Edgewood]

Hi pupsandpigs,

I haven’t dealt with this exact scenario, but I have an uBPD sister who has been assisted by a lot of family members (including me, in the past).  This results in her never experiencing the consequences of her decisions, because someone always rescues her.  It sounds like your sister is accustomed to being rescued, too. 

What’s more, there are some indications that your family will continue to rescue her: she lives with parents, grandparents bought a place for her to live, etc.  I think that if you want to retain a certain distance between you and your sis, you’ll have to keep a distance from those enablers, too.  I don’t mean that you shouldn’t see them, but I’d sure be hesitant to have any business dealings with them, as enmeshed as they seem to be with your sister.

Any housing arrangement you agree to can be altered by your grandparents, because they are the owners of the home.  And, they specifically bought the place for your sister to live in, right?  You may think you are living next to your brother, but that could change at a moment’s notice.  I think keeping your housing and financial business separate from all of them will create a more peaceful lifestyle for you.

Is it necessary to explain this to your parents? 

[pupsnpigs]

Well, I think the decision to buy the house was definitely influenced a great deal by the fact that my sister had long over stayed her welcome at my parents, and this was a way to get her moved out so that her son could have a more "normal" life. However, my grandfather bought the house because he saw it as an investment and as a way to make money. Which is precisely why he's considering selling it, because he's not making money and there is a good chance that he won't make money on it when my sister is there. He's also frustrated because he's around 80, and is doing the majority of the renovations himself because my sister only likes to do certain types of work, and otherwise will just spend time outside with the dozen rabbits she has.

And you're exactly right, she is used to be enabled and has never faced the consequences of her actions. When she couldn't pay her rent, my grandfather would give her money. When she couldn't pay one bill or another, she'd borrow from my parents. She's never paid any of it back of course, and there was never an intention to. She'll use her son as a bargaining chip, which is inevitably what will happen when everything falls apart with the house.

When I talk to my family, I try very hard to talk about my sister as little as possible. It's hard, of course, because my parents are super stressed with her there, and I always have the bad timing of calling during a meltdown.

Honestly, I'm not counting on this at all, and I'd rather not be put in a position where I lose the ability to see my nephew. He needs at least some rational, non-enablers in his life. Besides, I enjoy my distance because it means that I don't get dragged into every single fight and meltdown or crisis.

I'm going to set some clear boundaries about what our relationship is like. I don't want to hear about her problems, how she doesn't help, etc. I don't even the remember the last time they asked me how my partner and I are doing, what our plans are, etc. Most phone calls are cut short because my sister is listening in, my nephew is bouncing off the walls but my sister can't be bothered to parent him, or my sister is starting a fight.

So, I guess my goal is to set clear boundaries, because the way it has been has hurt. And, I'm afraid that my relationship with my family is negatively affecting my relationship because I haven't set these clear boundaries.

My brother and I are well over enabling her. If she threatens to hurt herself, I call the police. My brother intends to call the police if she physically assaults him ever again. Everyone else seems to think that enabling and giving into her demands is going to solve things. Until she gets real help, our relationship will only ever be superficial.

[Edgewood]

That’s a GREAT idea to state that you don’t want to hear about sis’s problems anymore!  While you’re at it, consider telling the enablers that you don’t want to hear about THEIR problems resulting from their decisions regarding her, either.

Would you buy the house from your grandparents?  So, you would be your brother’s landlord?