Got off one roller coaster and got on another

[WhoMe51]

I feel like I got off of one roller coaster only to get on another one.  I broke up with my dBPDgf because of the push/pull roller coaster.  I feel like I'm on another one called the grief cycle.  I keep bouncing all over the place on this one.  I keep waiting for the day when it levels out.  I woke up this morning missing her.  I started thinking that I could do some things differently.(bargaining).  Last night I was angry with her and myself.  So I am bouncing all over the place. I know I can admit this here because I won't be judged.  I just thought I would post here to keep myself from breaking nc.   

[Jmanster]

My friend I did the SAME thing... .I also broke up with my BPDex for the same reason and it is still on my mind... .But do you know what gives me power to overcome her BS? Just remember all the times she hurt you, all the time she made you angry... .People have the tendency to think the past was better than it actually was and that the present is worse than it actually is. Think about what made you leave... .? Do you still trust her? I doubt it... .You are infatuated with the idea of her. Keep the No Contact rule and you will be better off... .good luck

[downwhim]

Same thing, I woke up at 3:30 am missing him. BUT, how were you treated? I also agree, it would be hard to trust him again. Let's say you go back to her and are constantly on edge with that anxious feeling because there is no trust. N/C is hard but think of what happened while you were with her... .this is not your fault there is nothing you can do to change her.

[Rise]

Grief would be a lot simpler if it were a linear progression. Unfortunately it's not. What you're going through is completely normal. It's normal to go back and forth, or even go through several stages at once. Stay strong, and don't beat yourself up. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling.

[icom]

What helps alleviate the buffeting in the grieving stage is in applying the Reasonable Person standard to your ex partner when performing a relationship post mortem. 

The Reasonable Person standard is a composite of a community’s assessment as to how a member of the community should behave is social situations.  The standard also holds that, “…each person owes a duty to behave as a reasonable person would under the same or similar circumstances.”

In all social interactions, there is an obligation placed on individuals requiring them to adhere to a standard of reasonable care, and directing them to not perform acts that would cause harm to others. 

In a BPD-afflicted individual, none of this applies; there is no reasonable person behind the wheel maintaining any form of reasonable care.  Extending the metaphor further, hoping that your interests will be protected in a BPD relationship is as realistic as entrusting the care of your vehicle to an under aged drunk driver.   

The duty to care is prescriptive in all relationships, and I assume that you-as a reasonable person-adhered to the standard diligently, protecting and preserving the interests of your partner and maintaining the integrity of the union. 

However, your partner was unable to reciprocate.   Not through willful negligence, but due to an impairment: an exclusive reliance on pathological ego defences.  These set of defences allowed your partner to rearrange experiences in order to eliminate the need to cope with reality.  Due to this lack of reciprocity-and inability to integrate-on the part of your partner, there truly was no “relationship” in the classical definition of the word.  There was no core individual with which you could bond. 

Applying the standard:

-A reasonable person will want to attain an optimal level of stability in an intimate relationship by following the customary progression: Initiation, Intensification, Experimentation, Integration, Bonding.  It is unreasonable to act in a manner that would disrupt this progression if the individuals involved have expressed a great deal of interest in pursuing an intimate relationship.   

The challenge in deescalating the significance of your partner is in correcting a fundamental flaw in reasoning, or miscalibrating feelings as facts.  An idealization is formed as a consequence of your partner’s ability to provide you with emotional nurturance and validation.  Doubt emerges when this flow of emotional nurturance is disrupted or ended (Perhaps if I conducted myself differently, I could have achieved a better outcome in the relationship?).  There is then a tendency to rationalize returning to the dysfunctional individual to renegotiate terms in order to tap into the intoxicating emotional nurturance once again.   

This is where an impairment could appear in the reasonable person.   Normalizing and rationalizing unreasonable behaviour as a means of sustaining a deceit: that there ever was a legitimate pair bond.   

The process of relational de-escalation is always experienced as prohibitively difficult even when departing from the healthiest of unions.  However, idealizing an impaired and unreasonable individual automatically leads to an emotional miscalibration that will disrupt your ability to initiate and maintain a healthy pair bond in the future.

It is painfully cliché, but the fact remains nevertheless:

Time will close this wound, and you will move on from this experience to another person more worthy of your loyalty and devotion.