expwBPD and Money

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My exBPDgf was a compulsive spender and seemed to "love" me more when I had more money. I remember at one of my old jobs I was raking in a good amount of money and I had to cash in a good amount of it to the bank. I took her with me because we were going to go somewhere and the bank was just on the way. The whole ride there she was playing with the money, telling me how sexy all the money was and taking pictures of it. She was all over me for the next couple of hours…... seems that the attention goes where the money flows.

When she had money of her own she would spend it almost instantly on a large variety of things. My mom is BPD also and I don't think I have seen someone as bad with money as she is. Impulsivly bought a very expensive car, and Impulsivly bought a very expensive gun... .

So I am wondering how everyones person with BPD acted when it came to money.

[antonio1213]

My exBPDgf was a compulsive spender and seemed to "love" me more when I had more money. I remember at one of my old jobs I was raking in a good amount of money and I had to cash in a good amount of it to the bank. I took her with me because we were going to go somewhere and the bank was just on the way. The whole ride there she was playing with the money, telling me how sexy all the money was and taking pictures of it. She was all over me for the next couple of hours…... seems that the attention goes where the money flows.

When she had money of her own she would spend it almost instantly on a large variety of things. My mom is BPD also and I don't think I have seen someone as bad with money as she is. Impulsivly bought a very expensive car, and Impulsivly bought a very expensive gun... .

So I am wondering how everyones person with BPD acted when it came to money.

[guy4caligirl]

of course she did !

[Infern0]

Yeah mine honestly didn't seem to understand the concept of money too well.

Her parents payed most of her bills for her and also still sent her kind of an allowance,  and she spent her money on clothes and jewelry all the time.

She loved gifts,  if you bought her something she would be happy with you for a while but it was only days or in some cases hours then she'd be miserable again.

Funny enough she used to say "I want to marry someone rich" she really meant that looking back,  she'd be ideal as a trophy wife for some millionaire who could just endlessly buy her affection.

Hugh Hefner would be a good choice.

[bunnyrabit]

It's probably a coincidence but whenever she's gone my wallet is filled, I'm dresses nicely and the future looks briiight 

[antonio1213]

Yeah mine honestly didn't seem to understand the concept of money too well.

Her parents payed most of her bills for her and also still sent her kind of an allowance,  and she spent her money on clothes and jewelry all the time.

She loved gifts,  if you bought her something she would be happy with you for a while but it was only days or in some cases hours then she'd be miserable again.

Funny enough she used to say "I want to marry someone rich" she really meant that looking back,  she'd be ideal as a trophy wife for some millionaire who could just endlessly buy her affection.

Hugh Hefner would be a good choice.

Do you think a BPD and a millionaire would last in the long run?

[Infern0]

Yeah mine honestly didn't seem to understand the concept of money too well.

Her parents payed most of her bills for her and also still sent her kind of an allowance,  and she spent her money on clothes and jewelry all the time.

She loved gifts,  if you bought her something she would be happy with you for a while but it was only days or in some cases hours then she'd be miserable again.

Funny enough she used to say "I want to marry someone rich" she really meant that looking back,  she'd be ideal as a trophy wife for some millionaire who could just endlessly buy her affection.

Hugh Hefner would be a good choice.

Do you think a BPD and a millionaire would last in the long run?

I think they would have a better chance,  borderlines are not completely stupid and they are somewhat devious. More than likely she would keep the millionaire as her "main" and then cheat on the side.

Some are different from others though,  if it was a total split/bridge burner type then no it probably wouldn't last,  but if you look at people on this site who have been in relationships for years and years with BPD's they must have been providing something "worth hanging around for" and once idealisation ends that's all it is.

[Infern0]

Also in the case of mine it was likely a product of bad parenting.

She was an inconvenience as a child and had emotionally detached parents who passed her round relatives and stuff like that,  however they did have quite a bit of money so they would buy her a lot of stuff.

Creates a person who doesn't understand what love is and is conditioned to respond positively to gifts and money. 

Not her fault and quite sad really

[HappyNihilist]

My ex isn't great with money. He's responsible about bills and his credit, but he's a compulsive spender. He blows every bit of disposable income almost as soon as he earns it, and he can't seem to resist spoiling himself.

But he's not a user. I made more money than he did, but he didn't seem to care about my financial status. He usually paid for things, and he would never accept or ask for a loan or financial help from anyone, not even family. He appreciated gifts, like most people, but his favorites were always small, thoughtful, especially handmade gifts.

Now, as far as gifts he bought for others... .he very much liked to win people over and/or control them by buying them things. When we first started dating, it drove him crazy that he couldn't win my affection by buying me stuff. (He actually said this once, almost verbatim.)

The money, the point of view about it... .it all plays into this idea of attachment to "things"... .trying to fill an emptiness. Just another sad piece of the painful puzzle.

[Faith1520]

Wow, Antonio, sounds like she really did love the money.

Mine seemed pretty good with his money when he and I were together. However, he was digging his way out of a LOT of debt. He had a motorcycle and a boat that he was trying to sell.

It is actually one of the symptoms:

"Harmful, impulsive behaviors. These may include things like substance abuse, binge eating, out-of-control spending, risky sexual behavior, and reckless driving"

I also know that prior to our relationship, he was very promiscuous. I also have a feeling he used alcohol to self medicate. From what I understand these things temporarily make them feel better about themselves and its a way to turn their attention away from their true feelings (fear, guilt, shame) and focus on something else. Then, of course, they go back to feeling miserable.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi antonio1213, thanks for the great topic, couldn't resist adding my 2 cents worth.

My exBP was always rabbiting on about how great with money he was, yet at the time I had met him, he had been unemployed for 2 years, and had a 10K credit card debt plus he owed money elsewhere too.

He spoke of having owned properties when he was younger, even selling his last one around 2007-08, he was also working in his industry at that time and earning big money. When his last job ended, he says he went 'travelling' and spent all his money doing that, yet he only travelled in his own country and for a short time, all whilst collecting the unemployment and cashing in his Super too. What he says happened just doesn't add up when you look at the time frame and numbers.

I was a struggling Supervisor/Commercial Cleaner when he met me, yet it didn't stop him living off me for free most of the time, (paid no rent or utilities, and his 'helping me at work' was inconsistent and reliant on his rages being absent). After nearly 10 months of staying at mine, he sold a car he had over East, and gave me an influx of cash, (around $500). My rent at that stage was $325 per week, but he had paid not a cent in board, telephone, or electricity. To the day we ended, he raved on about giving me that money, the only money he gave me in 4 years of living off me!

And soon after giving it to me, he was broke again anyway, and reliant on his unemployment money!

He tells anyone who would listen, that he brought groceries every week and filled up my pantry, but that like everything else was a lie and exaggeration also. It was me that brought the food, me that paid the rent, the bills, and took responsibility for everything around the house consistently.

His contributions were never consistent, never much and dependent on how he was feeling at any given moment. If he hated me, he would give nothing, yet continue to take off me whilst he abused me, dumped me, or stole off me or others.

Meanwhile, his parents would lecture me and tell me not to give him money, or keep buying him food, whilst every time a fine came in for him, or his car registration arrived, his darling Mother would pay it for him. Up until this year some time, she was still paying it when it came in the post!

BP was taking it for granted that she would! AND THEN SHE STOPPED!

Recently, I ran into his Sister in law, and she told me that BP's parents haven't heard from him in months, and that all these parking tickets keep arriving, along with a drivers license suspension for not paying his tickets, and his Mother can't contact him to let him know as his mobile number is disconnected yet again. I said I had hoped that he would be working by now, since he always blamed me for his long term unemployment and crappy life plus he was telling people that it was now me that made him homeless.

When I met him, he was blaming his brother and parents for his homelessness, and months ago, he had the audacity to tell me he only became homeless after he met me! I nearly choked.

But hey, we all know I would never get good closure from him nor do any of us.

Thanks for letting me share

Roller

[Splitblack4good]

It's probably a coincidence but whenever she's gone my wallet is filled, I'm dresses nicely and the future looks briiight 

trust me no coincidence my bank acount is healthy again now she wasn't to bad in comparison to others I've heard about but she did have a way of spending it wisely but excessive .

[NYMike]

My EXBPD is very bad with money.She lost her home in forclousure.She lost her car and her Harley.

And of course it was the EX-BOYFRIENDS fault for this... .Go Figure.Now I am the new blame in her endless blame game and blaming others.

Her life was in shambles when care taker rescuer NYMIKE decided to take this on.I offered her the chance of a lifetime and she blamed me in the end.Now she is on a rampage BLAMIMG NYMIKE.She stated that ''I ruined her life'' and ''it was part of my plan'' to destroy her... .WOW WOW WOW... .It was quite the opposite.I gave this woman more than I ever gave any woman in my life... Her thinking is distorted.

It is so tough to be painted black.I can truly tell you I am the only man that truly cared and loved her.I wanted to help and make her life better.In the end she pissed all over me and did not seem to appreciate anything.

Now she is living with her friend and her friends boyfriend(just found out) in poverty crappy conditions.The friend she stays with does drugs and it is not that healthy of a place.She is now complaining about this craphole she is staying at.I am sure she will blame them next and be off running again.

I can't believe she would not miss a man like myself who gave her structure,money,fun times,a beautiful cozy home and a lot of care.

Makes no sence.

[hope2727]

Mine blew through $102 000 in less than a year and had nothing to show for it. He always spent even when he had nothing to spend. He was NEVER satisfied. He once couldn't afford a coat he wanted and he threw a major pout about it in the store. He lived with me in my house and contributed inconsistently. Then he would try to throw money at problems. He broke up by text message the first time and left his stuff including furniture here 7 months. Then offered me $700 for storage fees. I was a broke student at the end of my degree so I took it but it was offensive. He also told me rather than take his stuff he would charge me $2000 and I could keep it all. Bahahahaha. I at least had the right response for that one. "I wouldn't give you $200 for this pile of 3nd hand crap". And that was the truth. I gave away thousands of dollars of high end furnishing collected over a life time, so he could keep his crappy 2nd hand Ikea crap and then he wants me to pay for it? I think not. They are an odd bunch of ducks.

[Pingo]

Mine hoarded his money while allowing me to pay for everything.

[LeftSidePain]

While living with me she had every opportunity in the world to make as much money as she'd like. Instead she would work sporadically and never look for another job or extra paying work. 

She had a credit rating of around 520 and thought paying bills was an option. It took me years of exasperation to make it clear paying bills were not optional, but a necessity for living. It only hit home when she went to purchase a used car and was denied.

Never purchased any new clothes or bought anything, but it was due to being broke all the time from not working. I closed the purse strings years ago when I seen her buying things on a shared credit card and not telling me. When I got the bill she still denied it. I paid it off and never shared money accounts with her again. The only thing we had together was our mortgage which I had paid her for when she left. I had kept most of the utilities in my name.

I watched her go through roughly 2K in four months on food from restaurants. Bills always came due with late charges or notices.

She left with very little money in the bank and the money I gave her she blows on nothing of importance. She is close to broke now and has nothing to show for it. In debt with student loans, car, credit card bills, and her bills are about 3 times what they were when she lived with me.

Overall she has very poor money management skills.

The odd behavior you spoke about though I had seen anytime I purchased something new. When I bought a new car she was bouncing all over the seats rubbing the dash and arm rests and kept smiling and saying mmhhmmm, mmhhmm, yes, yes... .I always thought it was due to anxiety. I had to tell her on a couple of occasions to calm down.

[billypilgrim]

trust me no coincidence my bank acount is healthy again now

This is similar to my experience.  I never though she was all that bad regarding her spending.  Then as the fog continued to lift I remembered paying off her car, paying off her credit card 3 times in 6 years (big chunks each time), putting big dents in her student loans.  Then there were the other expenses like buying her a new car earlier this year, buying a house (we were in the early stages of building the next NEW house because we NEEDED something bigger for the children we were about to have  ) - at least she wasn't into jewelry. 

Then I realized that I was the only reason we had money in our savings account.  Or stock.  Or anything for the future.  It was as if she made it a goal to use her paycheck each month - if she had money, she needed to spend it.  There is no setting aside or not doing something one night just save a little extra.

[sirius]

Mine hoarded his money while allowing me to pay for everything.

Exactly like mine