Any advice is welcome, just need to talk (or type) through my anxiety...

[Starless]

Hi there, everybody. I have only known my BPDh for 7 months. Yes, I married him quickly because his overwhelming outpour of love and affection is like crack to me and I'm more attracted to him than I ever have been to anybody else in my life. I have yet to see any of the emotionally abusive behavior that I've read that others are experiencing (and my heart goes out to all of you). I honestly worry more about him hurting himself than I ever worry about him lashing out at me, though I do keep in mind it is a possibility. He willingly wants to go to therapy, but I know at this point it has more to do with his bouts of psychosis (auditory hallucinations) and I can tell he is super uncomfortable addressing how his PD affects the ones he loves. I can see it is too painful for him to address. I also know his pattern in his past relationship was to cheat on his gf whenever he felt like his feelings did not matter, and as you all know it is damn near impossible to make a BPD believe that their feelings do matter. I'm not sure if he's been unfaithful to me, but I do know for about a week he was coming home from work late, and his anxiety levels were through the roof and he was binge eating like crazy. Thankfully, I've accepted that if indeed it did happen, it's not because I'm not pretty enough blah, blah, blah. I'm thankful I found this board and can make some sense of what is going on his head because he has a very hard time telling me sometimes, though I do believe he has opened up to me more than he has others in the past. I am going to therapy as well because I have struggled with depression, addiction, and anxiety for decades now and have never gotten help before. I quit doing drugs on my own but I've never addressed the underlying issues that caused me to be the person I was in the first place, and this stressful situation could very well make me relapse and I refuse to allow that to happen. I don't really have a specific question right now, I'm just welcoming any and all advice I can get. I guess some specific questions are how do I set boundaries and how to be supportive without being an enabler?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

... .and as you all know it is damn near impossible to make a BPD believe that their feelings do matter... .he has a very hard time telling me sometimes, though I do believe he has opened up to me more than he has others in the past. I am going to therapy as well because I have struggled with depression, addiction, and anxiety for decades now and have never gotten help before. I guess some specific questions are how do I set boundaries and how to be supportive without being an enabler?

Wow is this ever true that it's almost impossible to make pwBPD believe their feelings matter. I don't know how to deal with that either. My reassurances fall on deaf ears and he complains that no one likes him--not his friends, not his family, not me, not the cats, not the goats, not the sheep, not the horses. It gets so absurd that it's almost funny.

I'm glad you're both doing therapy. Just keep posting here too and some of the senior members will be able to help you with support and advice.

In the meantime, I feel for you and understand your frustration. Take good care of yourself first.   

[Starless]

Wow is this ever true that it's almost impossible to make pwBPD believe their feelings matter. I don't know how to deal with that either. My reassurances fall on deaf ears and he complains that no one likes him--not his friends, not his family, not me, not the cats, not the goats, not the sheep, not the horses. It gets so absurd that it's almost funny.

I'm glad you're both doing therapy. Just keep posting here too and some of the senior members will be able to help you with support and advice.

In the meantime, I feel for you and understand your frustration. Take good care of yourself first.    

Thank you, Cat.       It does make me feel better to come here & read through others experiences and to be able to vent a little. Sometimes it worries me, too, though. Sometimes I read others experiences and feel like the situation is hopeless. I'm confused, scared, sad, and I am desperate to start therapy and work through some issues of my own. So, thank you for lending your ear (or eyes since I'm typing). I really need it.

I forgot to mention the problems that caused him to feel his feelings weren't being considered, and they were actually valid reasons this time even though it still feels like I'm being emotionally manipulated I had no problem validating his feelings (or trying to) because he does have the right to be upset. First of all, he found out one of my exes was still on my fb friends list, so I understand why he was upset at that and deleted the ex. Then, when I became suspicious of my BPDh's behaviors, I refriended the ex, and my BPDh found out. So... .yeah... .I totally accept full responsibility for that and the behavior ties into some of my own issues that I'm getting help for. My BPDh actually managed to hold a longer lasting relationship previously than I ever have, so we both have issues regarding interpersonal relationships.

The other thing he is upset about is a lot harder for me to deal with. We got married on Halloween and for a wedding gift, my best friend got us concert tickets to go to a show with her. She lives out of state so we stayed at her & her boyfriend's apartment, which has very thin walls. Well, from the time we got there she acted disgusted with us because we were still in our honeymoon stage and kissed & hugged a lot more often than the normal couple. I also know she is not happy in her current relationship, so I sympathized and tried to tone it down a bit. Well, on our last morning there we woke up earlier than anybody else & we kinda forgot about how thin the walls are, so we woke her up having a tickling match. She should be glad we weren't doing something else . But, anyhow, she pretty much told us to get our stuff and get out. Since then I have talked to her and she has apologized to me. She has always been a difficult person to deal with so I just let her behavior roll off my back & forget about it most of the time. But, yes, I was angry with her and let her know it. Well, my BPDh hates her of course, and I understand that and let him know his feelings are valid. Well, he is angry that I'm still friends with her because again, he feels like I'm putting her feelings before his. I don't know how to handle that. I'm just beside myself & don't know what to do. I haven't talked to her about it either because she's just going to tell me to leave him and I'm not doing that.

I'm emotionally invested and committed to this relationship and I'm going to try everything possible to make it work. I refuse to just give up on him or myself or us. I realize I have some deep-rooted un-diagnosed issues that will exacerbate our situation if I do not get help and take good care of myself first and foremost. That is really the only thing I am 100% sure about right now. I'm just glad he's taking the step with me. I know it will be difficult and I expect it to get worse before it gets better, but I'm in it and I'm staying.

Edited because I used a naughty word. Sorry!

[Grey Kitty]

I refriended the ex, and my BPDh found out. So... .yeah... .I totally accept full responsibility for that and the behavior ties into some of my own issues that I'm getting help for.

Well, he is angry that I'm still friends with her because again, he feels like I'm putting her feelings before his. I don't know how to handle that.

In the case of your ex, I have to acknowledge that an ex is not just another person, so a spouse does have at least some right to demand cutting contact. (Between me and my wife, this has gone down in a variety of ways, depending on the ex, and other circumstances.)

In addition since you agreed to cut contact, then re-connected without renegotiating first, I think the reasonable thing for you to do is to just cut those ties. Perhaps with a last message or conversation with your ex, informing him of the reasons, if that kind of closure seems right for you.

Both of these situations involve a really insidious thing that your H is trying to do to you, and you have to set some firm boundaries before this pattern really goes too far.

He's isolating you from other people, especially people who might disagree with him, or call him on his crap, or support you in the face of his bad behavior. Many people here on these boards realize that they have lost all their external support network over years, and are then really really lost.

... .so what do you do?

Enforce a boundary: "I have my own friends, and I will not let control this."

Refuse to participate in discussions about why you should or should not cut contact with her.

It simply is not his business who you have as a friend. Don't let him make it his business.

Once you have told him this, (This is a boundary. You tell. You don't negotiate.) I'd recommend you be low-key about this friendship. Don't hide it--that is suspicious. Don't draw attention to it either. That is creating conflict and drama that you don't need.

[itgirl]

Take the advice Grey Kitty just gave you.  DO NOT let your husband make you choose or lose any friends.  I let my BPDgf convice me to give up my best friend of 20 years.  And once I told my friend that I had to break any contact my BPDgf decided that is not enough.  After a month of no friends she wanted me to write an ugly letter too.  Taking my friend apart.  I refused to do that and now we are broken up.

It was a huge mistake.  I should have stuck to my values and own happiness.