I need to talk about my sister

[goingtostopthis]

          She bothers me.  She sold a horse that was mine about 5 months ago with out telling me. I was more or less over the shock and hurt from her doing this until the horse shoer came last week to shoe my horse. She told me that my sister told her that I hated mares because she was the one who bought the horse and was reluctant to buy her because she knew she was my horse. She went on and on with all these lies my sister told her about me just to sell this horse.

                             I couldnt believe it!  How could I hate mares.  I have two of them which I love dearly and she knows this!  I just thought this was one of the wierdest things Ive ever heard. I mean it was bad enough that she sold the horse knowing it was mine, but now to hear that she was making up false stories to push the mare that was mine on this women to buy. My sister is a minister!  and I have to say that her behavior towards me in the last 5 months up until now is far from being Christian.  I still havent received any thank yous from her for taking care of all these animals that belong to my sick Aunt. This is a big job Ive taken off her hands and she has not shown one bit of appreciation.  I fixed this major hole in one of the barns where the siding was hanging down and needed to be pushed back up and nailed in place. It was not an easy task.  It was dangerous but I did it and I was so proud of myself. Do you think she thanked me? no, instead she went on about how the barn still leaked and reassured me that she was going to get it fixed. Im scratching my head because I know that barn now and there is only one minor place were the leak is so minimal ,it's nothing to worry about.  She made it seem like there were holes everywhere and that she is such a BIG person, only she has the power to get this done. I took it as another opportunity for her to minimize me again.   She never acknowledged to me in any way that I had fixed the worst part of the barns problem.  It never happen as far as she was concerned.

                         What makes people like this?  And this is only one example out of many. Should I confront her?  Quite frankly Im afraid to, because the last time I did all hell broke loose and she and my mom ganged up on me. I just want to understand  why she thinks she can treat me this way and  walk away with a clear conscious, if she even has one.

                        I couldnt exactly say to her: You know,  you belittle me and patronize me and I'd really appreciate it if you would stop. She would blow up and bully me by getting in my face. Is this a minister?

   And her we go again. She's in charge of my Aunts money and it's running out and yes, Ive confirmed it, she's living off it, gets no income from my Aunts church that she is running now and so she figures that my Aunts 2 accounts are hers, I can see taking a humble amount as if it were a pay check,  but Im sorry she is spending that money so un wisely and I know she paid off her own personal credit card with it. 30,000.00   ya!  that much.

                      Anyways,  there are about 15 cats here. One of them as a swollen ear. Its not an emergency. Ive started giving it manoxicillion<spelling  which I really think will clear it up in about week. I know cats.  I tell her about it thinking Im being a good dooby to show her I care about the cats,  and she interupts me and gets all excited and says: Oh Ive got to take that cat to the vet. Im doing it tomarrow!  Im thinking, Oh,  I guess my treatment plan ISNT GOOD ENOUGH! What the hell do I know! Go ahead and waist some more money and go to Walmart again while youre at and buy all your unnecasary STUFF! you dont need! Id be willing to bet,  that vet is going to put that cat on manoxicillionladillion screw my form of healin., who cares if its for free, anything to make me feel impotent.  lolololol  Ha!             Its true though,  this is what she does.   What the hell is wrong with her?

                                   Any suggestions would be great and if you have a sense of humor that would be good too because I need it.   Thanks

[losthero]

Sounds like she has narcissistic traits mixed with her NPD for sure.  She must have a very low self esteem to always view you as competition to her.   She obviously feels very inadequate inside in order for her to find every opportunity she can to out do your efforts.   I just want you realize this when you deal with her.  She must see you as superior to her and this is upsetting to her and makes her angry to feel inadequate.   I just dont want you to internalize her words and actions.  You are obviously a smart woman who does know how to budget and manage things if given the opportunity to do so.   

[Linda Maria]

Hi goingtostopthis!  Sorry to hear things no better with your BPDsis.  I can totally relate.  Especially to the mad lies to the woman who bought your horse.  Last year I nearly drove myself mad trying to work out why my uBPDsis kept telling so many lies.  It was a bit like you, she wasn't always saying bad things about me, but they were completely untrue, and actually made no sense.  They weren't lies that would impress anyone, they were just weird and a waste of time.  I'm better now at just not worrying about it.  You just waste time otherwise.  Personally I would not bother confronting her, because it will just trigger more nastiness, and you will never get an apology, or even something that comes close to an explanation.  I think this is what people mean by radical acceptance - you have to somehow accept that this is how they are, and the best thing you can do is not allow it to take up any brain space.  My uBPDsis also used to do that thing where they go on about a major problem and you say - no worries - I'll come and help you sort it out - and when you get there, it's some really minor thing, or else, when you offer a solution the problem just goes away - because it was never there to start with - it was just more attention seeking. My uBPDsis did this a lot over the years, long before I ever knew about BPD - I just thought she was attention seeking, loved playing the victim etc.  And she is of course, but now I understand why a bit better.  It is hard - sometimes you can rise above it, sometimes you can't.  I couldn't cope being in close proximity with my uBPDsis and seeing her every day - I really feel for you.  When you're feeling able to, try to plan how you are going to get yourself out of this situation - I know it will take time - but it is unlikely that anything will change, and your sis is clearly not going anywhere.  I would take some advice about your aunt's money - it needs to be controlled by someone, a solicitor, or some third party that can stop your sister frittering it all away, and she has to be accountable for any money she spends.  Does she have power of attorney?  If not- she is not legally entitled to do this.  Hope things calm down again and you get some peace and thinking time.  Best wishes.

[Deb]

Is there an elder abuse agency near you? I think they may be interested in your sister's use of your aunt's money.

But wow, selling YOUR horse and making up stupid lies. That is just ugly.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Goingtostopthis 

I don't know if this would be helpful, but I'm currently reading a book titled Controlling People by Patrecia Evans. It is very interesting and so far has been helpful to me in understanding the madness and why they don't get it but try to control everyone and everything else. I see a lot about myself in this book too. I'm only on chapter 11, so I still have more to read.

I'm so sorry for the games that she is playing and how painful and mindboggling it is for you. Keep posting and using us as an outlet. Have you met with your new T yet?

Woolspinner

[goingtostopthis]

Hi Goingtostopthis  

I don't know if this would be helpful, but I'm currently reading a book titled Controlling People by Patrecia Evans. It is very interesting and so far has been helpful to me in understanding the madness and why they don't get it but try to control everyone and everything else. I see a lot about myself in this book too. I'm only on chapter 11, so I still have more to read.

I'm so sorry for the games that she is playing and how painful and mindboggling it is for you. Keep posting and using us as an outlet. Have you met with your new T yet?

Woolspinner

Woolspinner,

              A book about controlling people is a good idea.  And everybody else you advise has been very good.

I need to learn skills that will help to just let anything my sister says roll off my back.  What I think has been happening here is that Ive been allowing the way she is to run me down and depress me. It's negative energy that just lingers around me when Im not even aware of it. I know I have it in me to rise above this. This is taking up a lot of space in my brain and it's not worth it. It depletes my energy because Ive been walking around with this low grade depression and anxiety and I think what Im feeling is coming off of them. My sister and my mother.

              On one level, Im very happy and positive about the potential of the things I can do here and very pleased with myself over all the things Ive done so far. I have issues too over not having any control. Recently my sister has been seeing an accountant and working with my dad's wife on dealing with my Aunts finances. Well,  this accountant told her she had to go through all my Aunts books and presummingly hers too to record every single expense that has been made for legal reasons before my Aunt dies.   Oh boy oh boy,  did I have any influence towards this happening?  I think so because I spent about 2 hours on the phone to my dad's wife a month ago telling her why I was upset and making it clear that I did NOT think it was right for my sister to be referring to my Aunts money as HERS. And my issue had nothing to do with the money at all,   it had to do with the fact that my sister was using this as a means to control me and tell me what I could or could not do like she owns this entire place when this was not my Aunts wishes and she knows this. This place belongs to all of us.  The weird part about this is that she has no interest in this place at all. Its been a burden to her. As for me, Im in my elemental play ground. Im buying a baby goat this spring! I cant wait.  

           Today I came into her office room with my mother while she was working on these books and I asked her how much money do we have left in my Aunts accounts and she said she didnt want to tell us. We just stood there looking at her until she came out with it.  I know she's a liar all the time because I asked her this question about 2 months ago she said, 24 thousand in one, and 20 in the other. This time she said 11,00 in my aunts and 2 thousand in hers.  Hers? again. But my thoughts are:  What?  where did that money go? well,  she wasnt telling the truth about the amount to begin with.   She says one thing one time about what's going on here and then something different another time. She's fighting for her pride and sense of being controlling and lying to keep it I guess.  This farm is paid for, it's only the property tax that needs to be paid and I can say now I have the means to pay it if need be, so she can no longer threaten me into feeling I cant do anything here with my horses or bring in a few boarders because this place hangs on a thread.It was all manipulation. She did this. Told me it was this huge amount and that she didnt know if she would have the money, then later recanted on this and told me a much,much lesser amount and oh ya  I can pay this.  Oh brother!  "I" can pay this.  She's over her head. She should have had a separate account set aside for this tax along time ago. She has to do it now with this new accountant and my dad's wife involved.  

         She's the kind of person who will go on and on about how martyred she is and then go out of her way to martyr herself.  Being a martyr gives her control and a false sense of power over people.  

        So anyways,  this post is helping me  a lot because it's reminding me that I have power too. Knowing that she cant use the property tax anymore to scare me into thinking I cant do anything to inprove this place and Im just a helpless subject is over.  That was the main thing she was trying to hold over me. Ha! Ha!   is what I say. Victory.  Thanks for listening.